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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has passed away, effing Xmas

162 replies

Nowstrong · 20/12/2021 12:42

So, I really need a rant, perhaps a kick or two.

My ex passed away very suddenly. I have been helping my adult children in every way possible (1 has a commerce), both have children. I'm helping with the administration and organizing the practical side of things. Very actively. Upon their request.

My ex in laws (1 very elderly person, 3 adults and 2 toddlers) wanted to invite themselves for Xmas day. I very calmly explained to my son, who would be hosting, that I thought that this was a bit too much for him and his wife (funeral on 23rd). Emotions and eventually wine, plus utter exhaustion, are a risky combination IMHO. So, I said that I would prefer not to come on Xmas day if that went through (I have experience of their hysterical outbursts, mind you, we all do). We then ALL talked about it and decided, that, effectively, it would be better if they came on boxing day.

My "lovely" ex-in-laws have decided that what they want is law. My son has no backbone at the moment. He is understandably very upset.
So I'm on my own for Xmas day and I must admit that now I am upset.

I've got to work for him tomorrow and the day after from 09:00 to 21:00. I don't mind helping, but this will be a shattering 2 days. And then I'll be on my own on Christmas day with a couple of eggs if I don't have time to go shopping. I do have plenty of wine.
I know that I won't die from being alone on Xmas day, but all my children and grandchildren will be together and we've had a really shitty time since his death. I'm really upset. Can't even type out a coherent message...
Am I being very unreasonable? Give me a shake.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 20/12/2021 12:44

Your in laws have lost their son.

Original poster
Nowstrong · 20/12/2021 12:49

Sorry I was didn't explain better. My sister-in-law, her daughter, her husband, their children and an elderly distant relative. The thing is, my ex husband and his sister hadn't spoken for years.
You are right though. He still was her brother. I needed a head shake.

OP posts:
ditalini · 20/12/2021 12:50

Well a tiny shake.

Your dcs are adults yes? Do they completely need you to do all this for them to the point where you're suggesting that you'd be sitting in on your own on Christmas day with a boiled egg? Not really eh?

You are invited for Christmas Day but are choosing not to go. You can change your mind if you like. You can go for part of the day and then leave when you think it's going to get "messy" (if it gets messy).

Your dcs will be under a lot of stress right now, don't give them more to deal with by worrying about you being on your own for Christmas. A wee bit off to say your ds hasn't got a backbone because he's not laying down the law with his bereaved relatives.

But your'e not being unreasonable for sounding off - have a blow out here and then think about what you can take on your shoulders and what you can't and take a half step back.

MizzFizz · 20/12/2021 12:52

It's a hard time for everyone. You made your position clear but it didn't work for everyone else. Your kids lost their dad, your in-laws lost their son/brother. I'd you don't feel like going, don't go, that's your right. But don't make yourself the victim of this situation.

dapsnotplimsolls · 20/12/2021 12:52

Could you just go for the meal and then leave? Your dcs could probably do with your support. Otherwise, go shopping today!

MizzFizz · 20/12/2021 12:52

If** you don't feel like going...

Chewbunn · 20/12/2021 12:53

Your son is an adult and can make his own decisions, you were invited and chose not to go which is understandable, but the choice means you will be alone christmas day. What would you like to happen now?

musicalfrog · 20/12/2021 12:57

He might be your ex but he's not their ex.

They are probably grieving more than you because of this. So maybe try to accept it might not be ideal for you this Christmas but it's a lot less ideal for them.

ParkheadParadise · 20/12/2021 12:57

So, I said that I would prefer not to come on Xmas day if that went through
You decided to be on your own with a couple of eggs on Christmas Day. Christmas Day is Saturday I'm sure you can get to a supermarket before then to get an loaf to go with your eggs 🤔

CommanderBurnham · 20/12/2021 12:58

I'd go to support your son, but tell him the hint of trouble you're going home.

Crazycrazylady · 20/12/2021 13:00

I'd suck it up to support my son if it was me. Particularly if they are difficult

It feels like you are trying to make them feel guilty on top of everything else this year.

VodselForDinner · 20/12/2021 13:00

I think you’re being unreasonable, not in not wanting to go, but in making this all about you.

MMmomDD · 20/12/2021 13:01

I agree you need a shake. Don’t punish your kids and play a victim.
They lost a father, sister lost her brother. If they get emotional at Xmas - would it be so hard to understand?
It’s hard time for everyone. Don’t make it harder.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/12/2021 13:01

I think it was quite shitty to essentially make your son choose between his dad’s family and you by saying you wouldn’t come if they did - which is essentially what “talking about it and agreeing it would be best they came another day” amounts to. I don’t blame him for finding it very difficult and I don’t blame him for choosing them: he doesn’t want to be the man who told his grieving relatives that they were second priority in the days after his dad / their brother or son’s death.

Understandably you’re sad, that’s usual, and normal, but somebody had to be sad about the choice offered didn’t they. You’d have just preferred it was other people.

TangledUp789 · 20/12/2021 13:03

Your son has lost his dad very suddenly and now you’re causing him a lot of additional stress by refusing to come over on Christmas Day, instead martyring yourself by sitting at home eating eggs. I think you do need a kick or two, yes.

If your son is happy enough for his in-laws to attend, is it really that difficult to go over for a few hours on Christmas Day and put a fake smile on, for your son’s sake? Or alternatively make a nice Christmas dinner for yourself and resolve to have an enjoyable day alone, without guilt tripping your son.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 20/12/2021 13:06

I think they want to be together to remember their father, brother, son and to support each other during their first Christmas after his very recent death. I think you can and should gracefully allow them that.

emsmar · 20/12/2021 13:06

You honestly sound like you just want what's best for your son. Try have a chilled day and enjoy yourself. Sounds stressful! X

User2638483 · 20/12/2021 13:07

A little shake… because as far as I understand it you are invited and are welcome but are (fairly sensibly IMO) declining to go.
Are you close enough that you could pop in to see the kids at some point but not stay long?

It’s annoying for things to change at quite short notice but don’t think it’s the same as being alone and having no option to go anywhere.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 20/12/2021 13:07

I don’t think gracefully is the word I meant Confused more switched on people will know the appropriate word.

spotcheck · 20/12/2021 13:07

Bloody hell.

This isn't about you!.
I'm presuming that if you are not comfortable enough to be with your ex in law's at Christmas, then things were not amicable with your ex?

Your kids ( who are adults) have lost their dad. They may just want to be with people who are also grieving.
How truly awful for them to lose someone so close to Christmas.

Arrange to see your kids Boxing day, or Christmas Eve.

Get to the shops and buy yourself some nice food.

Yes, OP, give your head a shake.

GoGoGretaDoll · 20/12/2021 13:08

I lost my mum this year. My DH is very Covid cautious and has complied, maybe even over-complied, with every restriction and everything that has been asked of him.

I turned round to him last week and said 'I don't care what they announce over the next couple of weeks, I'm seeing my brother on Christmas Day and I don't actually care if I'm breaking the law.'

And he said 'of course you are. Don't even let it cross your mind that you won't see him, we'll sort it out whatever happens.'

Don't back yourself into a corner because your ex-in-laws are unpleasant people. Your son is in the grip of very strong emotions that he won't actually understand. Either go to support him, or stay home, but be nice about it.

Motherchicken · 20/12/2021 13:10

Could you not go and visit early in the day. And leave before the wine and emotions start flowing?

aoeu · 20/12/2021 13:12

I very calmly explained to my son, who would be hosting, that ...

I had to read this three times to be sure. The host chooses who is invited, not you. "Calmly explaining" does not mean telling an adult who to invite to their house, it means you're acting like a twat.

endofthelinefinally · 20/12/2021 13:13

I have lost my adult son. There are no words to describe the pain. Cut them some slack.

Hen2018 · 20/12/2021 13:15

The eggs comment is daft. Ask someone to pop to the supermarket to get you something nice to eat, or pop in. There are still 4 days left!