Ex has passed away, effing Xmas

[Nowstrong]

So, I really need a rant, perhaps a kick or two.

My ex passed away very suddenly. I have been helping my adult children in every way possible (1 has a commerce), both have children. I'm helping with the administration and organizing the practical side of things. Very actively. Upon their request.

My ex in laws (1 very elderly person, 3 adults and 2 toddlers) wanted to invite themselves for Xmas day. I very calmly explained to my son, who would be hosting, that I thought that this was a bit too much for him and his wife (funeral on 23rd). Emotions and eventually wine, plus utter exhaustion, are a risky combination IMHO. So, I said that I would prefer not to come on Xmas day if that went through (I have experience of their hysterical outbursts, mind you, we all do). We then ALL talked about it and decided, that, effectively, it would be better if they came on boxing day.

My "lovely" ex-in-laws have decided that what they want is law. My son has no backbone at the moment. He is understandably very upset.
So I'm on my own for Xmas day and I must admit that now I am upset.

I've got to work for him tomorrow and the day after from 09:00 to 21:00. I don't mind helping, but this will be a shattering 2 days. And then I'll be on my own on Christmas day with a couple of eggs if I don't have time to go shopping. I do have plenty of wine.
I know that I won't die from being alone on Xmas day, but all my children and grandchildren will be together and we've had a really shitty time since his death. I'm really upset. Can't even type out a coherent message...
Am I being very unreasonable? Give me a shake.

wow. guilt tripping your son after his dad has died!!!

do you have any friends who you could join?

I am sorry about your stress.
But they just lost their dad and son.
You gave them an ultimatum and it backfired.
So either change your mind or maybe you might enjoy the change to recooperate and you see your family boxing day?

I think some of these comments are pretty harsh. We don't know the personal history between OP and her ex in-laws - many are not on good terms in these circumstances.

Why are these in-laws wanting to spend Christmas Day with the children of a man they didn't even speak to for years before his death?

I am guessing there is some history there in terms of not getting on with OP and starting rows (she mentions outbursts) so that's why she doesn't want to attend, particularly at such an emotionally heightened time.

@Nowstrong What is your relationship with these in-laws like prior to this??

That massively influences the whole thing for me really.

If you get on OK and you'd just rather not spend the day with them, then I do think you're being unreasonable, sorry.

But if you have history of not getting along, you don't like each other and everybody knows this, then I don't think you're being unreasonable to not attend or to be upset that your son would allow them to attend rather than see them the next day.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I think it was quite shitty to essentially make your son choose between his dad’s family and you by saying you wouldn’t come if they did - which is essentially what “talking about it and agreeing it would be best they came another day” amounts to. I don’t blame him for finding it very difficult and I don’t blame him for choosing them: he doesn’t want to be the man who told his grieving relatives that they were second priority in the days after his dad / their brother or son’s death.

Understandably you’re sad, that’s usual, and normal, but somebody had to be sad about the choice offered didn’t they. You’d have just preferred it was other people.

Agree. It doesn't really get more shitty than giving your bereaved son an ultimatum about who he's allowed to invite for Christmas, and then flouncing because he chooses his bereaved grandparent. Of course they want to be together.

If you were my mum, I'd take less help with the admin in return for less emotional manipulation.

@LittleMysSister. You're right, we don't know the history and the op probably has genuine reasons why she doesn't want to attend. But ultimately it's not her house. It's her sons house,and surely he has the final say on whom he wants to invite for Christmas.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow
"It doesn't really get more shitty than giving your bereaved son an ultimatum about who he's allowed to invite for Christmas, and then flouncing because he chooses his bereaved grandparent. Of course they want to be together."

I agree with your sentiments but I have to point out it's not his grandparents, it's his father's sister, her two children with their children, and an elderly relative(?).

By the way, are you as good a housekeeper as Miss M says?

Is that you Mum?

She's the worst biggest emotional terrorist and martyr. Happiest day of my life was when I learnt to ignore it.

Hopefully that's the Christmas present your son will give himself this year.

Enjoy the eggs!

[quote madisonbridges]@LittleMysSister. You're right, we don't know the history and the op probably has genuine reasons why she doesn't want to attend. But ultimately it's not her house. It's her sons house,and surely he has the final say on whom he wants to invite for Christmas.[/quote]
I do agree it's his say absolutely. Just think people are being a bit harsh on OP for not wanting to go and being upset that her son would host them knowing that (seemingly) these relatives don't get along with her.

It's not her son's grandparent's, it's his dad's sister who his dad hadn't even spoken to for years and a distant relative. They were unlikely to be spending Christmas with his dad given they didn't speak so not like their plans had been thrown up in the air. I am wondering whether OP's son has an existing relationship with them outside of his dad, or whether the sister-in-law is trying to latch on out of guilt for not speaking to her brother for so long before his death?

Ultimately I know it's immaterial as it is up for OP's son, his house, his rules for sure. But I just do understand why OP is upset and uncomfortable.

*grandparents

Sorry I just dont understand your post at all. Who invited who and to who's house.

@MMmomDD

I agree you need a shake. Don’t punish your kids and play a victim. They lost a father, sister lost her brother. If they get emotional at Xmas - would it be so hard to understand? It’s hard time for everyone. Don’t make it harder.

Yes it would be hard to understand, given they had no real relationship with him!

People have lost a son, brother and father and its understandable they would want to be together. In your position I would be wanting to ease my children's burden as much as possible by facilitating whatever they thought best. I don't think it was at all fair of you to offer what amounted to a me or them ultimatum (if it had been a genuine offer to stay away you wouldn't be upset now) and unfortunately for you, it's not worked in your favour.
You now have a choice of changing your mind and tolerating it or staying home. If you choose to stay home you shouldn't make your son feel guilty for doing the right thing by his father's family.

It appears that the son has been asked to host his aunt, cousin + partner and their kids and a random great uncle or what have you.
Aunt was lc/nc with the dead brother.

The last part is the kicker. If you are lv/nc with someone, you don't get to grieve with their own kids. That is hypocritical and wrong on all kinds of levels.

[quote madisonbridges]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow
"It doesn't really get more shitty than giving your bereaved son an ultimatum about who he's allowed to invite for Christmas, and then flouncing because he chooses his bereaved grandparent. Of course they want to be together."

I agree with your sentiments but I have to point out it's not his grandparents, it's his father's sister, her two children with their children, and an elderly relative(?).

By the way, are you as good a housekeeper as Miss M says?[/quote]
I do charge the Earth, but people are happy to pay (according to Miss M) 😉

Still working on the double First from Cambridge though..

lc (limited contact)
My own dd would kick her estranged aunt to the kerb in the same circumstances. So unless your son has stayed in touch with his aunt and cousins, OP, then it's probably not what his father would have wanted tbh

But you decided not to go. You can decide to go. You haven't been uninvited, nobody is leaving you out, and if you choose to sit home alone with a couple of eggs for lunch, that is not somebody else's fault.

@StucklnAMuumuuCantGetOutOflt

lc (limited contact) My own dd would kick her estranged aunt to the kerb in the same circumstances. So unless your son has stayed in touch with his aunt and cousins, OP, then it's probably not what his father would have wanted tbh

You don't actually know that until your dd is in the same position. You think you know, but you don't really. You think she would.

Op my mum passed away recently with a funeral between Christmas and New year. I am not that close to her sisters but have felt a need to be with them. And my dad.

Don't be that person that makes this harder for your son, who has lost a parent.

Agree with pps. Just go for lunch and to give your GC their gifts. Don't drink too much. That's the best way to support your DS. Go home to a couple of good films and a bottle of wine. Allow yourself some space to grieve for your ex and the hopes you once had.

You're helping him with his business the next two days? Well tell him you'll need to take an extended lunch break on one of them to go out and buy your Christmas dinner. This will be because of his choices. Don't be a martyr.

There's no reason at all for you to be alone at home with eggs and wine. You're choosing not to spend it with your DCs and your ex's family.
And, tbh, you're choosing not to order in food. In the time it took you type the posts on this thread, you could have completed an online shop for a three-course Christmas dinner.
It sounds as though you tried to manipulate your DS (and if you didn't realise that's what you were doing then you owe him an apology. Even if you were doing it deliberately you still owe him an apology.).
This is your DS' time to grieve and you're not sharing in that grief because your feelings about your ex are obviously complicated. But your ILs are sharing that grief. You can go and be supportive of your DS and your ex ILs. Or you can stay home alone but don't dare add to your DC's upset by acting as a martyr. This is one Christmas that absolutely isn't about you.

Jesus wept.

I am sorry for your loss kbish and glad you have found some consolation in being with relatives.
I assume there was no family estrangement though. That is a different context entirely - stately homes thread is always busy at this time of year.