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Original poster

Ex has passed away, effing Xmas

162 replies

Nowstrong · 20/12/2021 12:42

So, I really need a rant, perhaps a kick or two.

My ex passed away very suddenly. I have been helping my adult children in every way possible (1 has a commerce), both have children. I'm helping with the administration and organizing the practical side of things. Very actively. Upon their request.

My ex in laws (1 very elderly person, 3 adults and 2 toddlers) wanted to invite themselves for Xmas day. I very calmly explained to my son, who would be hosting, that I thought that this was a bit too much for him and his wife (funeral on 23rd). Emotions and eventually wine, plus utter exhaustion, are a risky combination IMHO. So, I said that I would prefer not to come on Xmas day if that went through (I have experience of their hysterical outbursts, mind you, we all do). We then ALL talked about it and decided, that, effectively, it would be better if they came on boxing day.

My "lovely" ex-in-laws have decided that what they want is law. My son has no backbone at the moment. He is understandably very upset.
So I'm on my own for Xmas day and I must admit that now I am upset.

I've got to work for him tomorrow and the day after from 09:00 to 21:00. I don't mind helping, but this will be a shattering 2 days. And then I'll be on my own on Christmas day with a couple of eggs if I don't have time to go shopping. I do have plenty of wine.
I know that I won't die from being alone on Xmas day, but all my children and grandchildren will be together and we've had a really shitty time since his death. I'm really upset. Can't even type out a coherent message...
Am I being very unreasonable? Give me a shake.

OP posts:
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 20/12/2021 13:44

@SpanielsAreMyLife

I'd be wading in and dealing with the in laws direct on your son's behalf.

He has just lost his Dad. The thought of having to prep a house and entertain any relatives is horrific. Their grief doesn't trump his here.

Jesus! Don’t do this at all OP!
toomuchturmericinwatermelon · 20/12/2021 13:44

Bloody hell OP

justasking111 · 20/12/2021 13:44

Don't be that drama llama be the bigger person, smile, nod support the kids eat and depart

AD80 · 20/12/2021 13:45

What a difficult position op. It is a bit odd as you've mentioned your ex and his sister didn't speak for a long time. I can see both sides.

Could you not just pop your head in for an hour? By no means stay for long, see your grandkids and exchange gifts so you are not entirely alone but don't have to spend the whole day with Ex sister in law. Are they staying all day? If they aren't, maybe see them at a time Ex in laws won't be there? Or go early before the wine starts flowing !

purplecorkheart · 20/12/2021 13:45

I feel so sorry for you son. He has lost his Dad suddenly and then his mom is throwing a strop about Christmas and who he hosts.
It is not up to you to suggest that it would be a bit much for them having your son's relatives for Christmas dinner and it would be better if they came for Boxing Day. You don't like your exs family and do not want to spend the day with them.
Please do not say the egg thing to your son. I find it hard to believe you cannot pop into a supermarket/shop and pick up some bits.

Please do not change your mind and go to the meal. I think you would cause more stress

CatJumperTwat · 20/12/2021 13:46

My "lovely" ex-in-laws have decided that what they want is law

As did you. Your son didn't bow down to you "calmly explaining" that he should reject his in-laws, so now you're sulking and refusing to go unless you get your own way.

hivemindneeded · 20/12/2021 13:47

People attacking OP need to bear in mind that even if she was no longer with her ex when he died, she is still bereaved and she is shouldering the extremely stressful responsibility of organising his funeral. Ime tempers get veyr frayed at times like this because the pressure is immense. On top of this, Christmas and Omicron. She' s having a shit time. She may not instantly make the most saintly sacrifices with a Stepford smile!

Momijin · 20/12/2021 13:48

I would go, even if it's just a few hours otherwise your son is going to feel awful knowing that you're on your own. He does have backbone, but doesn't want to hurt anyone. Plus he'll be really hurting now.

Tal45 · 20/12/2021 13:52

You sound very controlling OP, you need to let your grown up children live their own lives, you can't continue to do everything for them and then play the victim/martyr when they don't do what you want.

Suggesting you are too busy helping your children to be able to go out and buy some food at any point this week is ludicrous. Do less, tell them they need to do some of it, you'll be doing them a huge favour because they're going to have to do all of this, all alone, when you die. You are not helping them by doing everything for them, they are adults as much as you are and it great that you can help out and support them but it will be really useful for them to know and understand the process - and I say that as my husband has been through it three times with both parents and a sibling.

GiltEdges · 20/12/2021 13:53

Well, what a spoilt brat you sound. For all your feelings about your ex-ILs (who, FWIW, are still your DS's blood relatives), you tried to make your DS, who has just lost his father, choose you over them on Christmas Day. I mean, how dare you? Infact you were so confident that he'll put your wants first that you're now very put out that he hasn't and at the prospect of spending the day alone. Perhaps you deserve to.

madisonbridges · 20/12/2021 13:53

Sorry if I have misunderstood but are you saying that you thought you should spend Xmas day with your son and his family but that he shouldn't let his blood relatives go as well? And then you put down an ultimatum that if they went, you wouldn't? So basically you wanted to decide who went to his house for Christmas and who didn't.
Hmm, I'm sorry but it does sound a bit controlling?

LakieLady · 20/12/2021 13:54

When you've lost someone, it's really important to spend time with other people who lost them and loved them, too. I think maybe what you want needs to take a back seat this year.

My DP died last November. I spent Christmas with his sister and her family, and his mother. It was so beneficial for all of us, I can't begin to tell you.

Tal45 · 20/12/2021 13:55

(and his dad did everything when his mum died so he then had no idea when his dad died)

madisonbridges · 20/12/2021 13:55

@CatJumperTwat

My "lovely" ex-in-laws have decided that what they want is law

As did you. Your son didn't bow down to you "calmly explaining" that he should reject his in-laws, so now you're sulking and refusing to go unless you get your own way.

👍 Exactly. Sorry.
JinglingHellsBells · 20/12/2021 13:56

I don't understand some of your posts.

what's the 'one has a commerce' in the first post?

what do you mean by your PIL want 'law'?

FangsForTheMemory · 20/12/2021 13:56

That still gives you Thursday and Friday to plan and buy yourself a nice lunch and some treats. I would do that, make it something that isn't a faff to cook, and on the day put your feet up and revel in being able to suit yourself.

Blossomtoes · 20/12/2021 13:56

@SoupDragon

Your in laws have lost their son.
This. Someone’s had an empathy bypass. It’s all about you - not your bereaved son or an elderly bereaved parent. Shame on you.
Opus17 · 20/12/2021 14:00

Op, yabvu. Your son has lost his dad and is getting pressure from you who and who not to invite over for Christmas. I'd go and support my son even if I hated every second of being around my ex-inlaws. If you don't want to go over then fine, your choice but you're feeling sorry for yourself after you've decided to turn down an invite.

Sun91 · 20/12/2021 14:00

I think you just need to swallow your pride and support your son. He’s lost his dad, he’s now having to host Xmas and your refusing to go? Even if you hate ex in-laws be the bigger person and go, even if it’s just for a few hours in the morning to see your grandchildren and exchange presents. Also - most supermarkets are open till late in the run up to Xmas I’m sure you can get in more than a few eggs.

LittleMysSister · 20/12/2021 14:03

Tbh OP, I do think you're being a little self-centred when your kids have recently lost their dad but I also completely understand.

I get why you don't want to attend - I wouldn't either. The last thing you need as an ex is the recently deceased's sister getting hysterical about how you broke his heart, mistreated him, caused him stress, took his kids away....or whatever she may say in her grief. (Not saying you have done any of this btw).

Why is your ex-SIL and family wanting to spend Christmas with her brothers kids if she didn't even speak to him before he dies? Doesn't she have any other family of her own? I do think it's rude that they have intruded on already-made Christmas plans this way. Presumably they weren't planning on spending the day with your ex even if he was alive??

Personally I'd duck out for this year, since the death is recent and must be hard on your kids, but get some plans in for Boxing Day with them all instead. I know it's late notice but it can be done.

LittleMysSister · 20/12/2021 14:07

@JinglingHellsBells

I don't understand some of your posts.

what's the 'one has a commerce' in the first post?

what do you mean by your PIL want 'law'?

One of her kids has a business she's been helping out with, the PIL act like their word is law and what they say goes.
LadyR2D · 20/12/2021 14:08

You are being quite selfish OP.

happychristmasbum · 20/12/2021 14:09

Oh dear, I can understand how you feel OP, but you will have to suck it up.

I would tell DS that as you will now be at home Christmas Day, you will need to take some time off work to do some food shopping.

AstroBunny · 20/12/2021 14:09

Your poor son.

You are not covering yourself in glory here; surely when you really think about it, you can see that. I hope anyway

Kirst26 · 20/12/2021 14:11

I would definitely go just to support your DS, his father has just passed, is it not likely he will want his mother there on Christmas Day?

You will, unfortunately, probably have to stomach the reminiscing etc about your ex that will inevitably happen over the course of the day. I understand that you wont want to be part of that but its an important part of the grieving process for your son.

Good luck x

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