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Original poster

Ex has passed away, effing Xmas

162 replies

Nowstrong · 20/12/2021 12:42

So, I really need a rant, perhaps a kick or two.

My ex passed away very suddenly. I have been helping my adult children in every way possible (1 has a commerce), both have children. I'm helping with the administration and organizing the practical side of things. Very actively. Upon their request.

My ex in laws (1 very elderly person, 3 adults and 2 toddlers) wanted to invite themselves for Xmas day. I very calmly explained to my son, who would be hosting, that I thought that this was a bit too much for him and his wife (funeral on 23rd). Emotions and eventually wine, plus utter exhaustion, are a risky combination IMHO. So, I said that I would prefer not to come on Xmas day if that went through (I have experience of their hysterical outbursts, mind you, we all do). We then ALL talked about it and decided, that, effectively, it would be better if they came on boxing day.

My "lovely" ex-in-laws have decided that what they want is law. My son has no backbone at the moment. He is understandably very upset.
So I'm on my own for Xmas day and I must admit that now I am upset.

I've got to work for him tomorrow and the day after from 09:00 to 21:00. I don't mind helping, but this will be a shattering 2 days. And then I'll be on my own on Christmas day with a couple of eggs if I don't have time to go shopping. I do have plenty of wine.
I know that I won't die from being alone on Xmas day, but all my children and grandchildren will be together and we've had a really shitty time since his death. I'm really upset. Can't even type out a coherent message...
Am I being very unreasonable? Give me a shake.

OP posts:
SoSickOfItNow · 20/12/2021 14:57

@GatoradeMeBitch

You're helping him with his business the next two days? Well tell him you'll need to take an extended lunch break on one of them to go out and buy your Christmas dinner. This will be because of his choices. Don't be a martyr.
She had the choice to have Christmas dinner with her DS. She’s chosen not to. She wasn’t uninvited. I said that I would prefer not to come on Xmas day if that went through
TyrannosaurusRegina · 20/12/2021 14:58

Even if you are alone on Christmas day, why would you sit there with just a couple of eggs? You have the 23rd and 24th to pop to Tesco or even a convenience store. If you can't be bothered, there will be takeaways open on Christmas Day. I can't stand people that play the poor me routine.

PleasantBirthday · 20/12/2021 15:04

Why are these in-laws wanting to spend Christmas Day with the children of a man they didn't even speak to for years before his death?

People tend to regret these things when someone dies. My Dad didn't get on with his sister particularly well during her life (not close to as bad as the OP suggests of her ex-inlaws, but they were not close or all that friendly) but he was still very upset when she died. There's a difference between not getting on in life with your sibling and feeling nothing on their death. She probably has a lot of regrets about her relationship with her brother and siblings usually have a bond, even if they can't tolerate each other.

5128gap · 20/12/2021 15:17

@StucklnAMuumuuCantGetOutOflt

It appears that the son has been asked to host his aunt, cousin + partner and their kids and a random great uncle or what have you. Aunt was lc/nc with the dead brother.

The last part is the kicker. If you are lv/nc with someone, you don't get to grieve with their own kids. That is hypocritical and wrong on all kinds of levels.

Who says you don't? Who makes up these rules? Surely only the kids concerned get a say, and OPs son has invited his aunt to do just that. Its a long life and a relationship is more than the most recent years. A sister can greive for the brother she grew up without hypocrisy, regardless of what came to pass in their adulthood.
SerenTarot · 20/12/2021 15:22

If it's going to be as bad as you've made it out to be, then I would have thought a quiet Christmas Day at home on your own with 'a couple of eggs' Hmm and plenty of wine would have been a welcome respite.

I'm certain also that you could fine five minutes to nip into a Tesco express or similar and pick up some cheese, biscuits, grapes, olives choccies or whatever ..... so your entire Christmas Day diet isn't just 'a couple of eggs'.

It doesn't require a big shop to get some nice bits for one. Just stop off at a corner shop or whatever on your way back and forth in the next couple of days.

A Christmas Day alone, with some nice nibbles and lots of wine, no cooking, no running around after anyone, no 'hysterical outbursts' as you put it ... sounds like bliss.

Fraida · 20/12/2021 15:25

I have 'challenging' in laws so I to some extent understand how much extra energy it takes to manage them at this time of year but I agree with the other posters in that your childrens' father has died suddenly (and your grandchildren have lost a grandfather) - they need you and they need you to be there willingly and without complaint. If it turns out to be a less than ideal Christmas, it doesn't matter there will be more, however this could impact on your own relationship with your family if you are not accomodating and supportive.

LittleMysSister · 20/12/2021 15:25

@PleasantBirthday

Why are these in-laws wanting to spend Christmas Day with the children of a man they didn't even speak to for years before his death?

People tend to regret these things when someone dies. My Dad didn't get on with his sister particularly well during her life (not close to as bad as the OP suggests of her ex-inlaws, but they were not close or all that friendly) but he was still very upset when she died. There's a difference between not getting on in life with your sibling and feeling nothing on their death. She probably has a lot of regrets about her relationship with her brother and siblings usually have a bond, even if they can't tolerate each other.

I do get this, but I still think that it's a bit much to invite yourself & family to your estranged deceased brother's son's house for Christmas, especially while knowing that your brother's ex who you don't get on with will be there too.

Personally I would want to build a relationship - assuming the dad and sister not speaking also extended to OP's son, which it may not have obviously - but wouldn't invite myself into someone else's Christmas Day with their mum.

PleasantBirthday · 20/12/2021 15:31

I do get this, but I still think that it's a bit much to invite yourself & family to your estranged deceased brother's son's house for Christmas, especially while knowing that your brother's ex who you don't get on with will be there too.

We have to bear in mind that this may not be exactly what happened.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 20/12/2021 15:35

YANBU, OP

You have been there for your children and supported them through the death of their father/son/grandad, in spite of the fact he was an 'ex' which usually comes with a good reason.

And then dumped on Christmas, even though you have no no one else and they have oodles of people around them.

I'd be down, too.

mam0918 · 20/12/2021 15:39

it sounds like you manipulatively pulled an ultimatum making your children choose between you and ex's family and now you may have lost out and have to choose whether to follow your threat of nonattendance (which would only spite yourself) or not you are mad about it.

You are the one martyring yourself... yes shake your head and stop trying to control your adult children, it sounds like their issue with boundaries may actually be with you.

inferiorCatSlave · 20/12/2021 15:39

It appears that the son has been asked to host his aunt, cousin + partner and their kids and a random great uncle or what have you.
Aunt was lc/nc with the dead brother.

That was what I was coming away with from posts relative wise - I think others seem to think it's ex parents.

Thing is though the OP DS and wife are adults and doing the hosting is who there is on them to decide and sort out.

OP has waded in and boxing day was then decided and rejected by IL family and OP Ds and wife have subsquently said fine chirstmas and now OP decided she can't face it - fair enough - but is upset because her Kids and DGC will all be there.

Bottom line is OP DS and wife are adults and are the hosts - who they have christmas day in down to them.

OP choice is to go and deal with challenging IL or get some shopping in and have a quiet christmas and see children and GC on boxing day or New Year.

I can see why OP is upset nether choice is as good as what she wanted chirstmas with DS family - being human and disappointed is not unreasonable.

However as it's not her hosting it's the choice she has or some varraition of poping in quickly see GC then going to have a quiet time at home depending on distances.

Op I'd try and focus on a plan that will work for everyone - like you getting some nice food in rather than martyrdom drama of only boiled eggs and seeing GC anotther day - as I doubt you or your chilldren need extra drama this year.

mam0918 · 20/12/2021 15:44

@PleasantBirthday

Why are these in-laws wanting to spend Christmas Day with the children of a man they didn't even speak to for years before his death?

People tend to regret these things when someone dies. My Dad didn't get on with his sister particularly well during her life (not close to as bad as the OP suggests of her ex-inlaws, but they were not close or all that friendly) but he was still very upset when she died. There's a difference between not getting on in life with your sibling and feeling nothing on their death. She probably has a lot of regrets about her relationship with her brother and siblings usually have a bond, even if they can't tolerate each other.

My mother HATED her twin sister (both were so competitive) and father (she never got over her parents getting divorced and seemed to take their marriage break down as a personal attack).

She rushed to both their death beds though and grieves their loss deeply and suddenly remembers all the wonderful things she loved about them.

The reason they fought so much in life is they were all equally stubborn and so alike ironically.

EerieSilence · 20/12/2021 16:00

So you decided to sacrifice your Christmas on the altar of your martyrdom. The poor mother who's doing everything for everybody and they repay her by supporting parents who just lost their son.
Get over yourself. It's not about you only.

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 20/12/2021 16:07

(1 has a commerce)

What does that mean?

hibeat · 20/12/2021 16:07

Tough. I would be there for my son, my grand children. At the end of the day, that is what I would do. Life is too short to live with regrets. You want to see them, you don't need your son to feel like a total orphan this year. A big hug, a piece of cake, and time with the kids. A timed visit and then a nice movie and meal on my own, or I would have picked a book that I have meant to read for a long time. Let the noisy be noisy. You have the VIP card, you go in and out when you want to, you are invited. I would use the card. Also I would try to be considerate of the feelings of the aunt. The sibling relationship is the longest that we have.

girlmom21 · 20/12/2021 16:08

@TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes

(1 has a commerce)

What does that mean?

They've got their own business
Rainartist · 20/12/2021 16:11

You chose not to go. You can't complain that you'll be alone.

I think you should go, your son will need your support and you can help intervene in difficult situations.

Original poster
Nowstrong · 20/12/2021 16:12

Thank you for all of your replies. They are ALL very thought providing. I will take time to read them all again later.
I must admit that I had a bit of a big pity party when I wrote my OP. Emotions, tiredness, add a pinch of stress and a 3rd jab. I think this evening I will have a rather large drink and an early night, and sleep on it all.
I will, as an PP mentioned, keep my options open and do what ever is best for my children.

Thank you again for taking the time to shake me back into sense, I seem to have lost myself a bit This is a difficult time for all of us and I needed some outside views.
I wish you all good health and happiness.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/12/2021 16:22

It’s a tiny shake from me Flowers
As why the heck are you having to handle the practical shit , I can imagine why though

To be honest their argument (family together ) slightly trumps yours (it’s going to be a shit show)

Just being honest !
So either stay home and chill
Or
Attend and get shit faced and have a good old screaming match
Take care xxx

drpet49 · 20/12/2021 16:27

* Your kids lost their dad, your in-laws lost their son/brother. I'd you don't feel like going, don't go, that's your right. But don't make yourself the victim of this situation.*

^Completely agree with this.

madisonbridges · 20/12/2021 16:38

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow. Forget the double first, the way you emptied all those shelves, cleaned the pots and then put everything back reorganised whilst baking all those pies and cakes, and all within a couple of hours.... A. May. Zing. 😍

I can't afford you but I'd happily buy your book. 🙂

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 20/12/2021 16:52

@Nowstrong

Thank you for all of your replies. They are ALL very thought providing. I will take time to read them all again later. I must admit that I had a bit of a big pity party when I wrote my OP. Emotions, tiredness, add a pinch of stress and a 3rd jab. I think this evening I will have a rather large drink and an early night, and sleep on it all. I will, as an PP mentioned, keep my options open and do what ever is best for my children. Thank you again for taking the time to shake me back into sense, I seem to have lost myself a bit This is a difficult time for all of us and I needed some outside views. I wish you all good health and happiness.
Nice response, OP. Hope you all have as good a Christmas as possible in the circumstances.
GloriaSicTransitMundi · 20/12/2021 17:05

@Nowstrong
I will, as an PP mentioned, keep my options open and do what ever is best for my children.
Thank you again for taking the time to shake me back into sense, I seem to have lost myself a bit This is a difficult time for all of us and I needed some outside views.
I wish you all good health and happiness.

There you go OP, looks like you're calming down and getting a bit of perspective back - I feel for you in this really difficult situation, sometimes you just need to vent. Good luck and good health and happiness to you too.

Kbish1 · 20/12/2021 17:40

@StucklnAMuumuuCantGetOutOflt

I am sorry for your loss kbish and glad you have found some consolation in being with relatives. I assume there was no family estrangement though. That is a different context entirely - stately homes thread is always busy at this time of year.
I wasn't equating their situation to mine. I was saying its normal to want to be around the deceased family. And that fact that no one can say, how someone will react.

As it stands, mum didn't talk to 2 of her sisters and did speak to one. I spoke to the 2 she didn't and didn't really bother with the one she did.

The 3 remaining are I armour states of Contact. And yet we are all together.

Badbaddog · 20/12/2021 17:45

You sound lovely OP, I hope you have a good Christmas and enjoy the rest, peace and quiet!