Ex has passed away, effing Xmas

[Nowstrong]

So, I really need a rant, perhaps a kick or two.

My ex passed away very suddenly. I have been helping my adult children in every way possible (1 has a commerce), both have children. I'm helping with the administration and organizing the practical side of things. Very actively. Upon their request.

My ex in laws (1 very elderly person, 3 adults and 2 toddlers) wanted to invite themselves for Xmas day. I very calmly explained to my son, who would be hosting, that I thought that this was a bit too much for him and his wife (funeral on 23rd). Emotions and eventually wine, plus utter exhaustion, are a risky combination IMHO. So, I said that I would prefer not to come on Xmas day if that went through (I have experience of their hysterical outbursts, mind you, we all do). We then ALL talked about it and decided, that, effectively, it would be better if they came on boxing day.

My "lovely" ex-in-laws have decided that what they want is law. My son has no backbone at the moment. He is understandably very upset.
So I'm on my own for Xmas day and I must admit that now I am upset.

I've got to work for him tomorrow and the day after from 09:00 to 21:00. I don't mind helping, but this will be a shattering 2 days. And then I'll be on my own on Christmas day with a couple of eggs if I don't have time to go shopping. I do have plenty of wine.
I know that I won't die from being alone on Xmas day, but all my children and grandchildren will be together and we've had a really shitty time since his death. I'm really upset. Can't even type out a coherent message...
Am I being very unreasonable? Give me a shake.

Strange world where an absent aunt is valued above a mother who work for your business over Christmas.

@Squeezita

Strange world where an absent aunt is valued above a mother who work for your business over Christmas.

Well it would be if everything was black and white that was the case. But as we live in a world with shades of grey, and the son isn’t actually cutting his mother out of life in favour of his aunt- your post is nonsense.

@girlmom21
Thank you!

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry where did I say she has been cut off? And why so rude, are you the aunt?

[quote Squeezita]@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry where did I say she has been cut off? And why so rude, are you the aunt?[/quote]
yeah, I must be the aunt. Of course. Because no one else would think you were being silly to assert that the aunt was being valued above his mother just because he is having his aunt over for Xmas dinner in the immediate aftermath of her brother/his father dying- a dinner to which his mother is also invited.

Not as silly as you failing to make the distinction between a loving aunt and an aunt who hasn't spoken to brother (and thereby by extension his children) for years.

A mother comes above such an aunt. Absolutely.

You’re being very weird @Squeezita. The man can have relationships with his mother and his aunt. It’s not either/or.

What’s with all the personal attacks Mary?

Not sure what’s going on in your personal life but calling people silly and weird just because they don’t agree with you is unnecessary.

There havent been any personal attacks. Describing your behaviour as weird and silly is not a personal attack. It’s an observation.

And fwiw- it’s nothing to do with you not agreeing with me, it’s to do with your weird snide remarks about this man somehow valuing his aunt over his mother because he is having her, as well as his mother, for Christmas dinner.

Nope, they’re personal attacks Mary. And now adding ‘snide’ to the list.

Like I said, not sure what’s happening with you but I’m done with this now as it’s unnecessary. I won’t be responding to you any further.

Okay. You’ve been personally attacked. have your validation. You clearly need it.

You put the line in the sand, which is completely your choice, so feeling a tiny bit sorry for yourself that everything has gone your way is a bit silly. Your son made (or was railroaded) his choice, can you not juts swallow your pride and ask to come anyway? Seems daft to be on your own when you don't need to.

Two eggs! That bit is unreasonable!

However, it does appear that you have uninvited yourself, which is entirely reasonable if you think this will be a disaster. However, my observation is that everyone is grieving and people behave in strange ways at such times, and some may feel they need to be with family members they may not otherwise see much.

It sounds like you are being very supportive to your children I hope you manage to have a good Christmas (and find time to get shopping in!)

OP take the lead from your DCs. I'm sure they need you and everyone else at this time.
Sorry for the loss.

Well when my brother died, I certainly wouldn't have invited myself over to his son's house, bringing along his cousin, his wife and children, Christmas Day to be waited on.
Maybe if the grandparents were alive but no not the sister.

I would have left him in peace to be with his mother who could look after him especially two days after the funeral.

It is the son's feelings that trump other family members to expect him to host at this time is unresonable, even if the preparation falls to his mother.

I don't blame you for not wanting to be there, I wouldn't either.

Yes OP have your DCs at yours

@GatoradeMeBitch

You're helping him with his business the next two days? Well tell him you'll need to take an extended lunch break on one of them to go out and buy your Christmas dinner. This will be because of his choices. Don't be a martyr.

Yeah, don’t be a martyr but absolutely be a manipulative bitch and guilt trip your bereaved son.

Op give yourself a break it's a tough time. Would your son and DIL like you there? Could you go for at least some of the day

@Nowstrong it’s easy to get upset about things like this. We all do it and the situation isn’t ideal.

But this year it’s going to be shit for them. Go and support your son. Now isn’t the time to be worrying about being left to eat eggs alone. I hate the expression ‘be kind’ but honestly….here I think you should have only that in mind.

[quote Squeezita]@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry where did I say she has been cut off? And why so rude, are you the aunt?[/quote]
Your post was weird and not accurate to the situation.

Marys response was not rude or a personal attack just referencing inaccuracies (and the closest she got to rude was saying you were 'silly' for your attack on her) but your overly defensive/aggressive responses are being rude - I don't think you're coming off as well as you think here.

But then who knows, since I don't wholeheartedly agree with a misstatement I might be the Aunt in disguise under a new screen name lol.

@Onthedunes

Well when my brother died, I certainly wouldn't have invited myself over to his son's house, bringing along his cousin, his wife and children, Christmas Day to be waited on. Maybe if the grandparents were alive but no not the sister.

I would have left him in peace to be with his mother who could look after him especially two days after the funeral.

It is the son's feelings that trump other family members to expect him to host at this time is unresonable, even if the preparation falls to his mother.

I don't blame you for not wanting to be there, I wouldn't either.

I’d be amazed if they actually invited themselves.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

My ex in laws (1 very elderly person, 3 adults and 2 toddlers) wanted to invite themselves for Xmas day

Sounds like they did to me.

Well that’s what the OP posted….

I think it’s reasonable that the people who have lost a family member want to be together at christmas. If you don’t want that, it’s right that you’re the person who absents themselves. But in your shoes I would accept the invitation and just forego the wine.