Ex has passed away, effing Xmas

[Nowstrong]

So, I really need a rant, perhaps a kick or two.

My ex passed away very suddenly. I have been helping my adult children in every way possible (1 has a commerce), both have children. I'm helping with the administration and organizing the practical side of things. Very actively. Upon their request.

My ex in laws (1 very elderly person, 3 adults and 2 toddlers) wanted to invite themselves for Xmas day. I very calmly explained to my son, who would be hosting, that I thought that this was a bit too much for him and his wife (funeral on 23rd). Emotions and eventually wine, plus utter exhaustion, are a risky combination IMHO. So, I said that I would prefer not to come on Xmas day if that went through (I have experience of their hysterical outbursts, mind you, we all do). We then ALL talked about it and decided, that, effectively, it would be better if they came on boxing day.

My "lovely" ex-in-laws have decided that what they want is law. My son has no backbone at the moment. He is understandably very upset.
So I'm on my own for Xmas day and I must admit that now I am upset.

I've got to work for him tomorrow and the day after from 09:00 to 21:00. I don't mind helping, but this will be a shattering 2 days. And then I'll be on my own on Christmas day with a couple of eggs if I don't have time to go shopping. I do have plenty of wine.
I know that I won't die from being alone on Xmas day, but all my children and grandchildren will be together and we've had a really shitty time since his death. I'm really upset. Can't even type out a coherent message...
Am I being very unreasonable? Give me a shake.

Well that’s what the OP posted

And I can well believe it.

If any of you have ever lost a sibling, yes it's unbelievably hard but when that sibling has grown up children you know their grief trumps any grief you may have or any demands to be arround the child of parent that has died.

You give them space and time to grieve especially if you had a spasmodic relationship with your sibling.

It's crazy listening to these posts, maybe some pp's are younger and thinking of the dynamics before siblings have their own grown up families. Op is thinking of her son and the pressure the day may put upon him, she is not ignorant of his pain, she is helping him, taking the pressure off him at work and trying to protect him.

I agree with @Squeezita

How many of us if our father had died would want to be hosting a Christmas dinner when we are distraught.

I think there are more types of family dynamics that are right than just yours @Onthedunes.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I think there are more types of family dynamics that are right than just yours *@Onthedunes*.

There are

And there are also families that are quite insensitive.

This is true. I think the OP is proof of that.

I think the OP sounds great, she posted, she listened, she's taken on board other people's views and she's having a think.

That doesn't happen very often and it's not even AIBU.

I’d go to support my son personally even if it is uncomfortable. Don’t be a martyr.

@sammylady37. That’s harsh, she’s already supporting her son by doing all the admin. for her ex’s estate- even though it’s not really her job (I’m assuming).

I agree with posters suggesting she just goes to the meal and makes a swift exit afterwards saying she’s really tired. That way she can avoid most of the drama, but still celebrate with her family.

You sound like a lovely Mum, OP.

I understand some of the dynamics at play may be cultural but ..

I think there is a power play going on.
The inlaws are trumping the ex wife but don't seem to be taking into account the feelings of the son.

The y probably know the ex wife doesn't want to be in their company and know full well she will be on her own on Christmas Day as a result of them insisting on being with her son.

I really don't think op should be demonised.

How many of us if our father had died would want to be hosting a Christmas dinner when we are distraught.

The op's son?

@Onthedunes How many of us if our father had died wouldwant to be hosting a Christmas dinner when weare distraught.

My mum died on the 2nd December. I am hosting Christmas. What's your point?

I am devastated. But it's a good time to get the family together and spend time together.

You may think you may not want to do it. But until you are in the position you don't know. And just because you think you wouldn't do it, doesn't mean others won't.

Surely it's normal for family members to want to be together after a death? Even if relationships have been strained or not close for a long while. It's part of processing the loss, however that might affect individual family members. I guess mostly that happens at the funeral but with Christmas two days later, its easy to see why the aunt might wish to be with surviving family members. Whereas for OP, who was no longer in a relationship with the deceased and presumably has painful or difficult memories, it's a different ball game. Hence why most of us have suggested she makes the effort on behalf of her son.

And she has said she will consider this, so not sure why the arguments are continuing.

[quote Cameleongirl]@sammylady37. That’s harsh, she’s already supporting her son by doing all the admin. for her ex’s estate- even though it’s not really her job (I’m assuming).

I agree with posters suggesting she just goes to the meal and makes a swift exit afterwards saying she’s really tired. That way she can avoid most of the drama, but still celebrate with her family.

You sound like a lovely Mum, OP.[/quote]
I think you misinterpreted my post. I wasn’t accusing the op of being manipulative, I was responding to a pp who I quoted and whose advice to the op, if followed, would have been manipulative.