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Original poster

Ex has passed away, effing Xmas

162 replies

Nowstrong · 20/12/2021 12:42

So, I really need a rant, perhaps a kick or two.

My ex passed away very suddenly. I have been helping my adult children in every way possible (1 has a commerce), both have children. I'm helping with the administration and organizing the practical side of things. Very actively. Upon their request.

My ex in laws (1 very elderly person, 3 adults and 2 toddlers) wanted to invite themselves for Xmas day. I very calmly explained to my son, who would be hosting, that I thought that this was a bit too much for him and his wife (funeral on 23rd). Emotions and eventually wine, plus utter exhaustion, are a risky combination IMHO. So, I said that I would prefer not to come on Xmas day if that went through (I have experience of their hysterical outbursts, mind you, we all do). We then ALL talked about it and decided, that, effectively, it would be better if they came on boxing day.

My "lovely" ex-in-laws have decided that what they want is law. My son has no backbone at the moment. He is understandably very upset.
So I'm on my own for Xmas day and I must admit that now I am upset.

I've got to work for him tomorrow and the day after from 09:00 to 21:00. I don't mind helping, but this will be a shattering 2 days. And then I'll be on my own on Christmas day with a couple of eggs if I don't have time to go shopping. I do have plenty of wine.
I know that I won't die from being alone on Xmas day, but all my children and grandchildren will be together and we've had a really shitty time since his death. I'm really upset. Can't even type out a coherent message...
Am I being very unreasonable? Give me a shake.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/12/2021 13:16

Go for dinner OP.

Or see if there's somewhere doing dinners for those in need who need help?

Anordinarymum · 20/12/2021 13:17

Oh OP. Take a step back from this.
Four years ago I spent Christmas Day walking around the streets and then sitting on the path outside the Funeral Home where I knew my son was.
So it was Christmas ? So bloody what. People need you because they do not know what to do. One day you may be in this position.
Sorry for your loss

Georgy12 · 20/12/2021 13:18

I understand how you feel but it does sound like you cut your nose off to spite your face a bit and it backfired. I once spent Christmas day alone in a foreign country. I was dreading it but it turned out to be one of the best days. Order yourself some great gifts, whatever food/drink/treats you love and spend the day doing things you like, give it some thought and I'm sure there's loads. It'll be fun, or you can go to your sons if you really don't want to be alone, your choice (I'd stay home personally). Xx

Georgy12 · 20/12/2021 13:19

@Anordinarymum

Oh OP. Take a step back from this. Four years ago I spent Christmas Day walking around the streets and then sitting on the path outside the Funeral Home where I knew my son was. So it was Christmas ? So bloody what. People need you because they do not know what to do. One day you may be in this position. Sorry for your loss
I'm so so sorry xxxx 💐
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 20/12/2021 13:21

For your food do an online order and have it delivered to your sons business where you are working. Bring a cool box to store the chilled stuff.

OverByYer · 20/12/2021 13:22

You made the decision not to see them on Christmas Day, they haven’t agreed with your decision and now you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Support you son and be there for him, he’s just lost his dad.

belimoo · 20/12/2021 13:23

It sounds like your children have lost their dad and you're making this about you? I appreciate you're supporting them in practical ways but surely you also need to suck up your feelings about the in laws and also be there for them emotionally on Christmas Day? Not sure whether I'm missing something here.

Natty13 · 20/12/2021 13:24

I don't agree with the others that you need to shake your head at all.

I DO think that it's your choice though. You can spend Christmas with them and deal with/ignore the outbursts or you can spend it alone. Not ideal choices but choice nonetheless.

FWIW I would take some time off from the work for your son to get some nice shopping in, and I'd spend it on my own. I have spent many Christmases alone (NHS and DH/my family all abroad) and honestly I really adore the peace and quiet and time to do whatever I wish and eat and drink some special treats.

AndARiverBeneathYourFeet · 20/12/2021 13:24

"Ex has passed away, effing Xmas"

"I have experience of their hysterical outbursts, mind you, we all do"

" My son has no backbone at the moment"

You don't sound at all reasonable or kind. When you say you "ALL" talked about it, was it you overriding them? You sound like the type tbh.

Cut them some slack and grow up.

gamerchick · 20/12/2021 13:25

Lose a dad, be made to chose between mother and dad's side of the family on Christmas day by mother?

This isn't about you and it doesn't matter how much work you've put in to support. Don't do the whole I've only got a couple of eggs to eat on my own thing to your son. It's mega manipulation on your part during a painful time.

You're invited, go or don't go. But the choice is totally on your head. Lay off any guilt trips.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2021 13:27

I think there’s obviously backstory with the ex-in-laws that comes from your marriage, and despite attempting to be reasonable and supportive you can’t help but feel that they shouldn’t take priority over you because of this.

And the thing is, you might well be absolutely right.

But if you genuinely care about your children at this time you need to do what they need you to do.

If that’s to come for a meal and play at happy families and leave before any drama, do that.

If what they need is for you to happily stay home and arrange a different celebration on Boxing Day (perhaps where you cater and give your DS the day off?) then do that.

It’s very hard and I’m sorry for your loss and theirs. Be as graceful as you can possibly muster. I assure you it makes all the difference in the world.

Groovee · 20/12/2021 13:28

Last year I lost my dad, funeral was the 23rd. Dh wasn't well on Christmas Day and by Boxing Day I'd lost it with grief. Please be there for your children. I needed my dh last year but he wanted to be in bed unwell. I look back on last Christmas with so much sadness. This year is so much better.

Onelifeonly · 20/12/2021 13:29

Can't you go for a short while? Just for the meal maybe. I think you need to think of your DC's feelings here, rather than your own. It is not as if you have a better offer, after all. And there are other days you can spend at home alone coming up, if that's what you want.

girlmom21 · 20/12/2021 13:31

@Anordinarymum

Oh OP. Take a step back from this. Four years ago I spent Christmas Day walking around the streets and then sitting on the path outside the Funeral Home where I knew my son was. So it was Christmas ? So bloody what. People need you because they do not know what to do. One day you may be in this position. Sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry Thanks
phishy · 20/12/2021 13:32

OP, I'm getting the sense that these people weren't really good grand parents / aunt / uncle to your DC and are just using them to be hosted for Christmas?

I can see why your hurt that they've been chosen over you if that's the case.

Tell DS you're sick and can't work.

SpanielsAreMyLife · 20/12/2021 13:35

I'd be wading in and dealing with the in laws direct on your son's behalf.

He has just lost his Dad. The thought of having to prep a house and entertain any relatives is horrific. Their grief doesn't trump his here.

Kenwouldmixitup · 20/12/2021 13:35

Don’t push yourself into a corner. Keep open the option to go AND the option to leave if you sense emotions are hearing up.

LostForIdeas · 20/12/2021 13:35

The big issue I have is whether your ds actually wanted them there on Christmas Day.
It sounds more like he said yes for an easy life because already has had such on his plate.

Like other posters, what I am worried about is that it will be too much for your ds/dcs and they could do with your support at hand.

Alarmset · 20/12/2021 13:37

Your son has decided to spend Christmas with his GPs, who have just lost their son, his father and you raging?

You tried to manipulate him and you lost.

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/12/2021 13:40

I’d stay at home too. Xmas, feigned grief, drama llamas and alcohols a potent mix.

It’ll all kick off on the day by 4pm and you’re well off out of it.

Unfortunately this could be a horrible day for your son but it is what it is.

mindutopia · 20/12/2021 13:40

Your son is an adult, with a wife and children. He is grown enough to have a family and run a business. He can make his own decisions. He can also manage his dad's affairs (I did when my dad died and I was only 18 at the time), so sounds like you need to take a step back.

Your son has lost his dad. This isn't about you. If anything it's about him. Go and support him, especially if you think family may be difficult for him to cope with on Christmas. He already isn't going to have one of his parents on Christmas. Seems a bit sad to also refuse to be there for him, especially if you think it may be a tough day.

Rrrob · 20/12/2021 13:40

Agree you need a little perspective here. Your children have just lost their dad. At a time when grief and emotions are high you put more pressure on by making your son choose. Take comfort in the fact they are asking for your help at the moment, have a chilled out xmas day (at least treat yourself to a brunch!) and cherish some family time on boxing day.

hivemindneeded · 20/12/2021 13:40

I'm sorry. I know how very hard it is to organise a funeral for someone you once loved but were not that close to by the end, while all around you people lean on you with their grief. It is brutal in a way that no one can understand who hasn't done it. If I were you I would just count Christmas day as one more of those obligatory days this year one more grit your teeth and get through it days you are doing on behalf of living, grieving people who you love.

I'd go, but gently explain that you are shattered from arranging the funeral and so will be sitting quietly, sipping a glass of something in the background. You can always go for a 'nap' if they get too cantankerous.

Find a way to celebrate with yur children in new year when the dust has settled a bit. Flowers Brew Cake

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 20/12/2021 13:40

You were the one that tried to dictate who your son hosted them refused to go when he didn’t agree.

All on you I’m afraid.

HeartsAndClubs · 20/12/2021 13:43

Your son has lost his father. Your ILS have lost their son/brother. You haven’t lost anything. He was your ex, you weren’t together any more, the only reason you’re involved in all this is because of your DS.

TBH I don’t think comments about what the ILs are like are necessarily accurate. As he was your ex it stands to reason that you probably thought less of his family anyway, or they might have some choice things to say about you depending on how the relationship ended etc. But they are your son’s family, and they have all suffered a joint los which to be frank you’re not a part of.

You’ve been invited for Christmas and you’ve turned them down because it sounds as if you’re resentful of the fact your son and these people have a relationship.

Stop being such a martyr and going on about eggs. The supermarkets aren’t shut. If it comes to it there’s even deliveroo and you can get a curry.

And really, it’s only a day in the scheme of things. What is happening for your DS and others is going to affect them for the rest of their lives.

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