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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband left me today

165 replies

Jane42321 · 19/12/2021 17:14

As the title says my husband has left me today and I am devastated. I really dont know what to do. We have been together for 13 years married for 2 and a half. We have two children 7 and 1.
He has always been a hot head. Never physical but is very moody and recently has been very hard to live with. He's under a lot of pressure at work and as a family we have had a lot to deal with. Back to back sickness and illness with our 1yo since she was born. It has been so very hard to deal with. Recently we have all had covid, me being the latest person to have it. And I think it's taken its toll on him. He doesnt cope well and doesnt deal with stress well at all. The majority of looking after the children always falls on me. The night feeds were all me. All of LOs time in hospital it was me. Occasionally I ask him to do the odd night get up and youd think you were asking him to commit murder. Last night she was up and it was his turn to get up and I could hear him over the monitor saying oh I am so done with this.
I just feel so devastated it has come out of nowhere. Yes we have our ups and downs like most people do but I didnt think it would end in this.
He has said that he is miserable in this life. He has had enough. That we arent compatible any more. We don't make any effort with each other any more. And he doesn't want to regret hanging around in a dead end relationship and wasting his life he hasnt been happy for a long time. He said I cant be shocked and did i not see this coming? Needless to say i did not see this coming. At all. I feel numb and totally heartbroken.
He initially asked if I wanted him to stay for the kids for Christmas. But after hearing all that he is the last person I want to be around now. His mum lives down the road so he has gone to stay with her. But this seems very permanent from how he was speaking. I don't know what to do. How do I even start to deal with this? Sad

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 19/12/2021 17:18

You get a family solicitor tomorrow.
I’m assuming he’s not going to want his own children 50% of the time ?
Has he he ever seen anyone for anxiety/depression ?

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/12/2021 17:41

Oh I’d be saying quite the opposite - I assume he does want to carry 50% responsibility for the children he helped create, and have him starting making plans to pull his weight. People who think they can walk away with minimal impact on them drive me nuts, if he wants to leave you can’t stop him but I’d not make it easy for him to leave me holding the kids.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 19/12/2021 17:42

I’m so sorry OP. You don’t have to deal with it instantly. He’s thrown a bomb at you & you’re wounded. You’re allowed to take some time to gather yourself together.

GrannyWeatherwaxsBroomstick · 19/12/2021 17:44

Gather up all paperwork you can find about wages, pensions - anything to do with money and get it somewhere safe. Same with yours and the kids documents. Can you leave them with a friend or family member?
See if you can get this thread moved to relationships where you will get loads of good advice from posters who have been there and can tell you exactly what you need.
I think there is a benefit calculator online so you can work out what/if you are entitled to anything from government.

itsgettingwierd · 19/12/2021 17:45

Well don't make any rash decisions.

Take time over the next week or so to think about what you want.

Do you want 50/50? To remain in the family home?

Agree get a solicitor tomorrow but just talk to them - don't instruct anything yet.

Make sure you have all the paperwork you need from the house and copy anything joint. Make sure you have equal access to money.

You need to realistically think of finances for now. Paying bill, food and a roof are priorities.

I'm very sorry to hear he's done this.

GrannyWeatherwaxsBroomstick · 19/12/2021 17:47

Sorry, just realised you are in Relationships, there will be plenty of good advice along. Sadly there are so many here with knowledge of this area

RandomMess · 19/12/2021 17:50

SadThanks

That's horrendous.

Do you have family you can call on to support you?

girlmom21 · 19/12/2021 17:54

Is he communicating with you?
Be very practical right now OP.

Sort maintenance and contact. Let him go. I know it hurts but sorting the practical things will help you get through the next couple of days.

Momijin · 19/12/2021 17:56

Well he can't just piss off and wipe his hands clean. He has 2 kids to look after/take care of and when you're split he will have to properly look after them.

And yes it is stressful but it isn't your fault and imagine if you were too stressed to carry the load, just like he is!

It doesn't sound like he is of any use or help anyway so make sure that he pays up

lightand · 19/12/2021 17:58

He initially asked if I wanted him to stay for the kids for Christmas

I would be saying yes.
It is a place to start, as sounds like you dont want him to go.

Not what lots will say, as the Relationship Board is notorious for lots of people coming on and saying leave leave leave.

lightand · 19/12/2021 18:00

A family that is stressed and under pressure is a different situation from when someone has had an affair.

Jane42321 · 19/12/2021 18:00

Thankyou to you all who have replied so far. I'm just completely shell shocked. I know the mortgage is in both our names. And the home insurance and the utility bills. But honestly I have nothing to do with it. He is the money man. I get paid each month and he sorts the bills and I just transfer him 50% of it. He pays the other. And then what we have left is our own to pay our own things, car insurance, phones, breakdown cover, and disposable etc. I havent got the first clue about what to do next. He has already made comments about "dont think I'm financing you to live in this house". He makes put like he wants to see the kids 50/50 which absolutely baffles me. Because he cant even get up with his daughter 1 night out the week for 20 minutes without feeling put out. It's why its baffling me even more. He wants to leave me and leave this "sh1tty" life but wants the kids for half a week when all he was having to do at home was help out one night because I'm at absolute breaking point and feeling poorly. I just dont get it. When I try and think and understand I just get upset. I feel pretty worthless at the moment. But keeping strong for my babies who dont deserve this at all. And then I feel so angry he would do this to them when all they do is adore him

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/12/2021 18:02

Hmmmm sounding more like he's had his head turned now.

Someone at work possibly?

Onthemaintrunkline · 19/12/2021 18:04

Open an account in your name, if you don’t have one already, withdraw half of the funds in any joint account to cover mortgage, rent. etc. I understand you are feeling emotionally battered, but you also need to think past him (almost impossible atm I know), but you are going to need some funds to continue operating. Make a Solicitors appointment, ASAP, safeguard your situation, protect yourself from him dumping on you again. Reach out to your family. I wish you well.

Jane42321 · 19/12/2021 18:04

GoodnightGrandma sorry I dont know how to work this so hope I'm replying properly to you. He has seen the GP about it. Was put on sertraline. Gave up after a week said they made him feel funny. Hasnt reached out since. I have tried my hardest to support him. Encourage him to go out with friends. Do his hobbies. Take time out. Go have a lie down when it gets too much. He makes out like I dont let him do these things but its lies. It really is. He made a comment he has no friends because of me. When he does. It's actually the other way round if I'm totally honest with myself. I have tried to full support him and I feel betrayed now that hes just gone like that.

OP posts:
Momijin · 19/12/2021 18:04

Ah well, let him look after them fully for a few days, he will soon change his mind. And he won't have much choice but to finance his kids. And you will get time and rest back.

And don't worry about learning how to manage the finances, it is easy. Write a list of all your outgoings and total it up. Set up direct debits etc. Have a look at what you would be entitled to. Speak to some solicitors and get some advice.

NotStayingIn · 19/12/2021 18:05

I assume what he really means when he says he wants the kids 50% of the time is that he will get his mum to do it?

Calamitydrayne · 19/12/2021 18:08

Get a solicitor first thing tomorrow. You don't need to think he will be financing you. He WILL finance you, whether he likes this shitty life or not.

Whitney168 · 19/12/2021 18:08

@lightand

He initially asked if I wanted him to stay for the kids for Christmas

I would be saying yes.
It is a place to start, as sounds like you dont want him to go.

Not what lots will say, as the Relationship Board is notorious for lots of people coming on and saying leave leave leave.

I wouldn't be saying yes. He probably wouldn't stay anyway, and then the OP is on the back foot having asked for something that is then withdrawn.

This time of year, the mistresses start throwing their toys out of their prams and the men start leaving in their droves for a joyful Christmas with their new true loves.

But I'm a cynical sort ...

Theeyeballsinthesky · 19/12/2021 18:08

OP from your update he sounds like he’s been Abd is being an arse too you. He’s saying things deliberately to hurt you & strss you out even more. He doesn’t want the actual hassle of looking after the children 50% of the time as he seems to do sweet fa with them now, he’s saying that to make you miserable becatse he knows it will hurt & upset you

Jane42321 · 19/12/2021 18:08

Thank you lightand
I did debate long and hard on this. Figured he is 5 doors down at his mums house. I should say we have been in a similar situation before 6 months ago. But it was me who ended up going to my mums for a few days because he refused to leave the house. He would have rather uproot me and the children from their own home and we stayed with my mum for 3 weeks. So I think this time I thought I'd be damned if we are being hoofed out again and uprooted like that just before Christmas. He can go.

OP posts:
Twizbe · 19/12/2021 18:10

He's saying he wants 50/50 as he knows that will mean he doesn't have to pay child support.

Then he will likely dump them on his mum until he can get a new 'partner' that he will dump them on.

He will have likely already done his research on this.

Spiderelf · 19/12/2021 18:10

What an absolute arsehole.

He's leaving because he's a selfish that who isn't the centre of your attention anymore while you're having to deal with the baby.

Tell him to fuck off to his mums.
Ask him which days he wants the kids. Is it EOW and one day in the week?
Tell him when you've seen the solicitor.

Don't do the pick me dance. Once he realises you're not arsed about him coming back, he'll start panicking.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 19/12/2021 18:11

Sounds like he wants out of family life in general so it's weird he wants 50-50. I would start the 50-50 tomorrow so he can understand reality. He may step up and do great with the children by himself - would not be the first time I have witnessed that.

Or not.
He sounds resentful.

girlmom21 · 19/12/2021 18:12

I agree, start your 50/50 tomorrow. He can have his 3.5 days then you can have them back for Christmas. You've done all childcare for a long time so now it's his turn 🤷‍♀️

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