My husband left me today

[Jane42321]

As the title says my husband has left me today and I am devastated. I really dont know what to do. We have been together for 13 years married for 2 and a half. We have two children 7 and 1.
He has always been a hot head. Never physical but is very moody and recently has been very hard to live with. He's under a lot of pressure at work and as a family we have had a lot to deal with. Back to back sickness and illness with our 1yo since she was born. It has been so very hard to deal with. Recently we have all had covid, me being the latest person to have it. And I think it's taken its toll on him. He doesnt cope well and doesnt deal with stress well at all. The majority of looking after the children always falls on me. The night feeds were all me. All of LOs time in hospital it was me. Occasionally I ask him to do the odd night get up and youd think you were asking him to commit murder. Last night she was up and it was his turn to get up and I could hear him over the monitor saying oh I am so done with this.
I just feel so devastated it has come out of nowhere. Yes we have our ups and downs like most people do but I didnt think it would end in this.
He has said that he is miserable in this life. He has had enough. That we arent compatible any more. We don't make any effort with each other any more. And he doesn't want to regret hanging around in a dead end relationship and wasting his life he hasnt been happy for a long time. He said I cant be shocked and did i not see this coming? Needless to say i did not see this coming. At all. I feel numb and totally heartbroken.
He initially asked if I wanted him to stay for the kids for Christmas. But after hearing all that he is the last person I want to be around now. His mum lives down the road so he has gone to stay with her. But this seems very permanent from how he was speaking. I don't know what to do. How do I even start to deal with this?

Another dad expect the mother to take 90% of all the family responsibilities, let him handle 50/50 then he will realise how much of a selfish @#%*$ he is.

He sounds abusive OP.

Hm you really do need to get evidence of any finances together. As well as yours and the children's documents somehwere safe.

Will you be seeking legal advice asap?

@NovemberNovemberDarkNights

I'm sorry x

It's hard at anytime, but right after you've had covid & Christmas it's particularly crap!

I'm afraid I agree with cherchez La femme - men very very self only leave before they've lined up a replacement.

He 'wants' 50:50 so he doesn't have to pay child maintenance.

News for him... HE doesn't get to choose about the house, a judge will. Git.

Please say he doesn't work for himself?!

How do you get on with his Mum?

HTG if he thinks the rest of us have had a brilliant two years he's a deluded twat. It sounds like you have been very supportive while he's just piled all the looking after of the kids into you.

Personally I don't think there's any going back from this, you'd never trust him to be there for you again & at that point you're better off 'going it alone' at least you know where you stand.

I'm really sorry though as I know how devastating it is, but honestly, have s goid cry tonight & be sad for the loss of the future you thought you had together. Then from
Tomorrow TRY your best to move forward! It's easy to waste too much of your time/life/energy in this god awful phase and it does you no good.

As others have said, mive half the money you can to an account in your name and gather up ALL paperwork, put it somewhere safe (best at a friends for now) especially any of his investment/pension details. You & the kids might be entitled to a share of that - though IF you have even pensions, probably not).

Do NOT let him do his 50% (or 1%) in the house, he wanted OUT, he needs to make arrangements out.

What support do you have - other than us?

I really am sorry, I know how much it hurts 💐

Thankyou. I dont even know how the 50/50 works. Like he leaves for work at 6.30 gets home at 5. I'm the one who sorts the kids for school and nursery. I also work full time but flexi so I'm able to do that. He wouldnt be around to do that. So I dont know how it would work for him. Probably his mum. But if he wasnt able to do that and have them half the week he would have to pay child maintenance to me? I need to read up on it all I havent got the first clue.

Re his mum. Honestly hand on heart shes like my second mum. Shes been more of a mum to me than my own mum. Which is sad. She says whatever happens she will always be there for me and the kids. Which is lovely. But will make it very hard.

I'm going to look at solicitors and start reading up. As others have said it seems hes been planning this and I haven't got the first clue and now I feel like an idiot.

I'm grateful to have you all as support. Youre the first ones I've told really. Obviously I am very close to his mum but given it's his son and he is living there I cant really say much. I have my mum and dad. My mum hasnt been there for me she has her own issues going on. My dad tries bless him. I have a brother who I never really talk to but his girlfriend is a close friend. Sad to say probably my only close friend.

Honestly, he sounds like a man child, having to tiptoe round his mood swings and not pulling his weight. Good riddance. It will get much, much better for you

@ClaudiaJ1

OP was his mother there when you had the row over the tree? What is she like, is she likely to support you, be ashamed of/chastise her son?

She was there. She got upset. She does say to me "now you know I never stick up for him" . "but..." There will be a but. There would be. Shes his mum. She is so lovely. And this will really upset her too. She calls me her daughter. Its really sad. X

@stmw123

He sounds abusive OP.

Hm you really do need to get evidence of any finances together. As well as yours and the children's documents somehwere safe.

Will you be seeking legal advice asap?

I told him earlier that him twisting my words and making things up is emotional psychological abuse and he just laughed at me. I told him to keep lying to himself but we know the real truth about the situation. I just cant get my head around it all. Ive already reached out to a friend who is a solicitor. I just hope she can put me in contact with someone x

50:50 means he pays for childcare or uses his Mum on his days and he gets them ready for school etc takes them to activities etc.

He’s probably got another woman. Men rarely leave because they’re just unhappy. He’s likely to have had his head turned.

I’m so sorry he’s putting you and your children through this. Whatever you do, don’t leave the house. Get and see a family law solicitor as a matter of urgency. Most will give an hours free legal advice. Get your ducks lined up before you make any decisions going forward. Also get Christmas out of the way before you make any big decisions.

I would also make him tell the eldest child what is happening and why. That shitty job shouldn’t be left to you. Start familiarising yourself with the family bills and finances, take copies of all your bank documents and legal papers.

@Twizbe

He's saying he wants 50/50 as he knows that will mean he doesn't have to pay child support.

Then he will likely dump them on his mum until he can get a new 'partner' that he will dump them on.

He will have likely already done his research on this.

What a prince.

I’d wave the miserable cunt on his way then. I know it’s hard OP but he sounds like he’s done. Don’t beg.

@Pinkbonbon

He sounds like a dickhead who thinks children are women's work and has provably had his head turned by some other woman. Would explain him suddenly leaving at this time of year.

Either way, the children shouldn't be in a household with a moody father who treats their mum shaudily.

I'd get the house on the market ithe new year and concentrate on splitting as fast as possible. Before the fucker changes his mind.

Don't take him back. Life is too short.

Thankyou for your reply and your support. Re putting the house on the market. The area we live in is quite sought after and difficult to buy in. By no means do I mean to sound like a snob at all saying this. It's an ex council house mid terrace. But its home. But it's in a nice village where my family live. The children go to school here. We couldnt afford another house around here. The house prices have shot up. I dont even know if I'll be able to afford living here alone now with the children. But I'd really like to not uproot them out of this village away from family and schools if I can help it. Although on the flip side it's going to be hard with him living down the road. I dont think he would stay there though. He would eventually go get his own place. So I dont want to be too hasty if that makes any sense. X

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Sounds like he wants out of family life in general so it's weird he wants 50-50. I would start the 50-50 tomorrow so he can understand reality. He may step up and do great with the children by himself - would not be the first time I have witnessed that.

Or not.
He sounds resentful.

50/50 means he doesn't pay.

He's not stupid.

He's a horrible human being but he's not stupid

One thing to remember is that although this has come out of the blue to you, he has been thinking and planning this for weeks, maybe months. That means that he's further 'down the road' on this journey than you are. He may even have already sought legal advice. In fact his 'I'm not paying for you to stay in this house' and 'I want 50/50' (ie no child maintenance) tells me that he is already thinking of the 'money' side of divorce and how to screw you over AND that the chance of reconciliation is Nil. So, as hard as it is, you need to straighten your spine and think 'practical'. You need to see a solicitor as soon as possible to find out what your position is wrt the house and support. I know you are hurting terribly, but starting to take the practical steps is your first step to healing.

Here's the thing. To an awful lot of men, the grass really IS greener on the 'bachelor' side of the fence. The freedom and lack of the day to day 'drudgery' far outweigh the benefits of 'family life' to them. Whereas I think most women value the emotional security of family life and think the 'drudgery' is well worth it. 'NAMALT' and all that, of course. But the men who DO value family life generally don't leave their wives in the first place, so I think we know which side of that fence your not-so-D-H falls on.

Above all, please maintain your dignity. Don't do the 'pick me' dance. Don't cry in front of him. I know it isn't easy but you will be glad you did. And play your cards close to the vest. Do NOT discuss any type of financial settlement with him or agree to anything, leave that to the professionals. Do ask him what financial provisions he plans to make for his children for now, until things get formalized. If he hems and haws or is ridiculous about it, file a claim with CMS.

And don't waste your valuable energy or emotional strength on wondering why or whether he has an OW. In the end it doesn't really matter why he chose to leave. It's more important to use your energy and emotional strength on moving forward and doing the best you can for yourself and your children.

People have given you fabulous, sensible advice. I'd just like to say - he's a cunt, stay angry, you won't miss him, how dare he think 'I've had enough' and sod off (but it's a patriarchy issue, so many of them do it and believe they have the right to), yes to solicitor and ducks. No man ever 'has his head turned', they turn their own stupid heads, voluntarily. You can do this. Do not be kind. Be ruthless, for yourself and your babies.

and don't trust his mother. They change when you split. I remember.

Yeah, you may be close to his mum, but she's his mum at the end of the day. Don't confide in her about any of your thoughts and plans, as they emerge.

What an utterly shit thing for him to do. He sounds very immature and unrealistic.

Ask his mum if instead of uprooting the kids,.if he wants 50/50 can the kids stay in the house and you and him take turns sleeping in her spare room.

If he doesn't have an on-hand baby sitter I imagine the novelty will wear off pretty quickly.

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you.

Your h sounds Kelli a really nasty piece of work - lazy, abusive, horrible to you. Depression don't make you act like that!

Get all your paperwork together, get a shit hot lawyer. And take care of yourself 💐

So sorry OP

Other than all the solid advice above, all I would say is don’t say a word about the fact you are pulling all financial info and seeing a solicitor - get all your ducks in a row, decide what you want and a plan that is the best for you and the kids and fair for him - and then present him with it.

Talk to your solicitor about holding onto the house, it might be possible that if you can’t buy him out, you can agree you and the kids stay in it till they are adult and then you sell and split it, depending on if there’s enough income all round for him to have a flat. Anyway, don’t assume, get legal advice.

Ditto get advice on residency. He might try for 50/50 to limit his payments, but realistically he’ll never do it, and your solicitor can make this clear so it probably won’t get agreed. Plus the baby is too young really, plus his mum may make him see sense.

If you have one good mate and a good relationship w his mum down the road that will stand you in good stead. Once the dust settles if you behave in a reasonable way she can probably really help manage him as well as being a good granny.

You’ve said that everyone is probably thinking it’s a blessing, and you are right - because how ever much it hurts right now, your life and the kids life will be better without him under your feet. He’s a drain.

Op, just wanted to say do not agree to him having the children every weekend. He should be doing some parenting during the week as well as you. He should not get all the down time and no school runs / childcare costs etc.

The first thing you need to do is open Child Maintenance Service claim. They start it from the date you open the case so you need to do it straight away. On the claim, you state that you have them 100% of the time which is true currently. He hasn't got his own home to have them overnight so they should stay in their own home with their mother. Don't buy any crap from him about sorting maintenance out between the two of you. He isn't your friend anymore. Assume he will screw you over at every turn and defend yourself against it before he has chance to.

@ImmutableSexQueen

People have given you fabulous, sensible advice. I'd just like to say - he's a cunt, stay angry, you won't miss him, how dare he think 'I've had enough' and sod off (but it's a patriarchy issue, so many of them do it and believe they have the right to), yes to solicitor and ducks. No man ever 'has his head turned', they turn their own stupid heads, voluntarily. You can do this. Do not be kind. Be ruthless, for yourself and your babies.

You all really have given me some wonderful advice. And support. And I am so grateful. From the bottom of my heart thank you. You've all made me feel a little less lost and a lot less worthless. I have lots to do and lots to look into and seek advice on. I know what to say and what not to say. Another question, how soon do I approach him about taking the children for his time?Not like I want them to go at all. But how soon do I start with these things? X

Congratulations OP!!!!

Today you have been freed from this absolute waste of space. How wonderful for you and your children.

Time to stop thinking of him as the "money man". Take charge of your finances.

DO NOT put the house on the market.

Have a delightful Christmas with you and your children basking in the joy of your new found freedom.

Start as soon as you like. Emphasis on you.

Others will be along with better specific advice - but emotionally you need to get out of the headspace that its your job to do the wifework and organise him leaving you!

If he wants the kids he can ask. I can guarantee you they'll be going to his mum anyway which might not be a bad thing if she's nice and will give you a break?? But for sure if he wants 50/50 well then be it on him to make that happen - including taking you to court