My husband left me today

[Jane42321]

As the title says my husband has left me today and I am devastated. I really dont know what to do. We have been together for 13 years married for 2 and a half. We have two children 7 and 1.
He has always been a hot head. Never physical but is very moody and recently has been very hard to live with. He's under a lot of pressure at work and as a family we have had a lot to deal with. Back to back sickness and illness with our 1yo since she was born. It has been so very hard to deal with. Recently we have all had covid, me being the latest person to have it. And I think it's taken its toll on him. He doesnt cope well and doesnt deal with stress well at all. The majority of looking after the children always falls on me. The night feeds were all me. All of LOs time in hospital it was me. Occasionally I ask him to do the odd night get up and youd think you were asking him to commit murder. Last night she was up and it was his turn to get up and I could hear him over the monitor saying oh I am so done with this.
I just feel so devastated it has come out of nowhere. Yes we have our ups and downs like most people do but I didnt think it would end in this.
He has said that he is miserable in this life. He has had enough. That we arent compatible any more. We don't make any effort with each other any more. And he doesn't want to regret hanging around in a dead end relationship and wasting his life he hasnt been happy for a long time. He said I cant be shocked and did i not see this coming? Needless to say i did not see this coming. At all. I feel numb and totally heartbroken.
He initially asked if I wanted him to stay for the kids for Christmas. But after hearing all that he is the last person I want to be around now. His mum lives down the road so he has gone to stay with her. But this seems very permanent from how he was speaking. I don't know what to do. How do I even start to deal with this?

@Graphista, I actually think we are saying the same thing.
The OP needs to take control. She isn’t hopeless in the situation and certainly doesn’t have to do whatever he says should happen….

I think you’ve mixed me with another poster re CM as I dint think I’ve mentioned that :) but I agree about the fact CM isn’t always forthcoming and the OP needs to be planning as if she wasn’t going to receive anything (the the CM is a bonus)

Btw I also agree with @Graphista about the fact he isn’t a ‘good father’.

I suspect he is good enough when he has to look after them, he isn’t abusif and can make a decent Disney dad.
But a good father would make an effort to take time off to look after his child rather than automatically and continuously rely on the mother to take time off.
A good father would make appointment for his child to see a GP (and clearly he knows how to do that too!!).
A good father would have thought twice about dropping that bombshell a week before Christmas with twi dc still believing in the magic of Santa etc…

@Gooseysgirl

hope you managed to get some sleep OP, what a huge shock just before Christmas. You've had some excellent advice re. solicitor etc. So I'm going to offer something regarding your son. Children have had a huge amount to cope with over the last couple of years, and in addition to this your DS is trying to cope with attention and focus at school and rising levels of anxiety, and now dad leaving just before Christmas. Holiday times can be very difficult because the 'safety' of daily school routine goes out the window. Sit down with him today and draw up a calendar for the next two weeks so that he knows exactly what is happening. Let him suggest outings, screen time etc. and work together to organise it. This will give him a sense of control at a time when he may feel he doesn't have any. When/if you make any arrangements for seeing dad during the hols, add this to the calendar. Tell him you both love him and what has happened is not his fault! He will find it reassuring that dad is staying with gran just a few doors down.

Thankyou so much for this. I will do this with him today. X

hi OP, sorry to hear you are going through this.

My advice is to get practical and hard. Do not assume that your H will be at all reasonable when it comes to money or child care. He won't. Do not agree to anything - he can say all he likes that you won't get the house, but it isn't his decision to make.

Go and see a solicitor asap. Let her (or him) do all the negotiating with your H. Get as shit-hot solicitor as you can afford. You need to put your and your children's future first now.

At some stage your H will either plead a breakdown or another woman will come out of the woodwork. There is a script. He will follow it. Your MIL will side with him.

Talk to your friends, your family. PHone Gingerbread and get all the info you need about the benefits and your entitlements (they can give you some legal info too).

And be gentle with yourself, especially in the next few days. Your children won't care about a full roast dinner on Christmas day. Don't see your H if you can avoid it - maybe his mother can help with contact so you don't have to see him.

Thank you. I'm so paranoid about him stumbling across this thread on a google search or something. Hes already been messaging this morning about money. Saying that he will continue to pay half the cost of us living here until we need to sell. And is informing me I need a reality check on the finances and that I wont be able to afford this house on my own. So I really do need to get some advice asap. I've gone to him with the suggestion from PPs about him having the kids on a wednesday and every other weekend and working up to a 50/50 split. It's my weekend this week and his next week. He has accepted this.

I am so sorry.

This isn't what you want to think about right now, but I understand that if you're married, all property is jointly owned regardles of who pays what. It's a business partnership. You co own everything. Get legal advice to bolster you up on this and don't be threatened.

This is sounding more and more like this has been planned for some time. He is long detached from you and the DC. Sorry but I really do think he has met someone else.

He sounds like a massive dick. I find it difficult to understand why on earth you want this hot-headed, mean-spirited and selfish man back.

I suspect you don't, that what you really want is a lot of support while you transition to single parenthood.

It is a shock to the system but once the shock passes it is so much better than living with a bad-tempered prat.

You cannot make him better mentally, and I hope you have enough dignity to not consider pleading for his return.

Flip this around and look at it for the opportunity it is, you no longer need to tiptoe around His Majesty and you can focus on having a good life.

But it is fine and normal, to feel shocked, sad, angry, and fearful so try to let yourself have those feelings. The more you allow it, the more quickly they'll pass.

Yep. He clearly has thought about it for a long time :(

Please don’t fall in becoming sway by what he says, what will happen and grey rock him as much as possible.
Just now he is putting lots of pressure on you whilst putting you down (obviously you won’t be able to afford that house on your own. I am the one that kept that place running etc….).

You really need to start seeing him as an enemy and treat him accordingly (for the divorce proceedings - not saying it should be like this for everything!).

Btw, I doubt even more that he has ever been depressed. Rather he was unhappy, planning his exit but didn’t have the courage to do so, he ce the moodiness etc….

Don't trust him.

@Holly31
It's only a special type of cunt that would do this to his wife and small children days before Christmas.
And don't be so ridiculous and ignorant; it's far less common for women to pull this sort of stunt, let alone days before Christmas.

@Holly31

If this was a woman feeling stressed and unhappy in a relationship, she would be encouraged to leave as life is too short etc. When a man is unhappy and wants to leave, hes the worst human in the world.

For whatever reason, he's unhappy and doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

Wheather it's xmas, new year...theres always an event round the corner. I think he's getting a hard time for this.

OP doesn't speak to her mother, doesn't speak to her brother and now her DH has had enough.

Just throwing it out there, we only get one side of the story 🤷🏾‍♂️

When a woman usually decides to leave her husband/end the marriage it's usually because 1) she has fallen out of love with him or 2) he's a lazy shite who didn't pull his weight 3) he's disrespectful etc. a woman doesn't usually end a marriage because she's sick of the parenting and housework etc!!! Because we still have to do it when the marriage is over and in some cases have to do even more because we have the children. When a man leaves for an easier life, without the kids his life is easier and it's pure selfish. Woman don't usually leave their kids like a man does. So I don't think it's as simple as your saying! And it's not very supportive tbh

OP, please, please get legal advice.

Any arrangement regarding the children's residence is based on the status quo. So if you have done most of the childcare, night wakings, doctor's appointments, school runs, book bags, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, your husband will never get them for half of the time. Most likely in that scenario is once a week and every other weekend, with school holidays adjusted so that you have them for the majority of the time. Unless, of course, you actually want to "work up to" him having them for half the time (Hell would have frozen over before I'd have gone down this route, but each to their own).

i agree about legal adivce and also contact the cms it can all be done online

what sort of job does he have-dont agree to 50/50 if its his mum that will be doing it