My husband left me today

[Jane42321]

As the title says my husband has left me today and I am devastated. I really dont know what to do. We have been together for 13 years married for 2 and a half. We have two children 7 and 1.
He has always been a hot head. Never physical but is very moody and recently has been very hard to live with. He's under a lot of pressure at work and as a family we have had a lot to deal with. Back to back sickness and illness with our 1yo since she was born. It has been so very hard to deal with. Recently we have all had covid, me being the latest person to have it. And I think it's taken its toll on him. He doesnt cope well and doesnt deal with stress well at all. The majority of looking after the children always falls on me. The night feeds were all me. All of LOs time in hospital it was me. Occasionally I ask him to do the odd night get up and youd think you were asking him to commit murder. Last night she was up and it was his turn to get up and I could hear him over the monitor saying oh I am so done with this.
I just feel so devastated it has come out of nowhere. Yes we have our ups and downs like most people do but I didnt think it would end in this.
He has said that he is miserable in this life. He has had enough. That we arent compatible any more. We don't make any effort with each other any more. And he doesn't want to regret hanging around in a dead end relationship and wasting his life he hasnt been happy for a long time. He said I cant be shocked and did i not see this coming? Needless to say i did not see this coming. At all. I feel numb and totally heartbroken.
He initially asked if I wanted him to stay for the kids for Christmas. But after hearing all that he is the last person I want to be around now. His mum lives down the road so he has gone to stay with her. But this seems very permanent from how he was speaking. I don't know what to do. How do I even start to deal with this?

I just wanted to say that 50/50 is rare in my world, I only know one family who do this (dozens of divorced parents) I know one couple who disagreed about 50/50, they went to court and mum won, as her husband had done little over the years. he wanted 50/50 to avoid maintenance, he lost and made himself unemployed for two years. (some sort of punishment?) ultimately she won, as she has the children.

Fight for everything, stay in your house and try not to stress it will work out in the end.x
Every other weekend and a night in the week..that's what I'd offer.

When to start the 50/50 discussion? How about now. Text him “how do you envisage 50/50 custody of the children working? Best to get into the routine sooner rather than later.”

He won’t expect you to be on the front foot, and not begging him to come home.

What an absolute bastard to do this to you before Christmas.

You've had really solid advice here, OP. Don't let him just walk away, and rinse his hands of responsibility.

And shout/scream/cry - let it all out. Just not in front of him, ever. Grey rock him even when you feel like you're dying inside. You can do this

It sounds like he CBA being a dad.

And if one anti-depressant doesn't work, he should've gone back and tried one of the many others until they found one that worked for him (not that he took them long enough for them to even start working.) So he made life miserable for you rather than sort himself out.

Start with planning for the kids to see him when you want to @Jane42321 , if you want a breather for a few hours or something. He can help you out for the first time in his life maybe.

What an awful and abusive waste of space. Good luck OP.

50/50 ha yeah right, he's saying that to scare you, control you, and also because he doesn't want to pay child maint.

I'd call his bluff, when he mentions it again, tell him you think it's a great idea, you can then increase your hours at work, further your career, take up a hobby, see friends, go to the gym etc. trust me, he'll change his tune. Mine said exactly the same thing, it was bollocks. He sees his dc eow - that's his choice.

You've had some fantastic advice here already OP. But you will be better off for it, he sounds awful

Will it really be his mother having the children half the time? I've seen this happen quite a lot - guys who want 50/50 mostly becasue they don't want to pay maintenance who then get their mum (who often wants to have the DC) to look after the DC and then when they get a girlfriend expect her to step up.

I hope you weren't paying all the childcare and then 50% of the bills as well. Also 50% each of expenses isn't totally fair if you earn less than him and also use your "spending" money on things for the children.

I agree get the kids passports, any mortgage documents, wills, acccounts etc you can get your hands on and photocopy them and go an see a solicitor. Have a list of questions ready that you want to ask the lawyer so you make best use of the time you will pay for (they aren't counsellors or there to listen to your problems - counsellors who do that are cheaper!). Good luck - it sucks x

Urgh.. he sounds like a fuckin' treat..

Don't let him back in the house if you aren't there (ie the suggestion that kids stay home, you stay with his mum whilst he stays at home with them) - at some point it is going to dawn on him that being IN the house would have been the better move... so do NOT let him back in!

ASK him how he wants to work 50/50 care - don't try to suggest things, ask him what HE wants to do. Make it look to the kids and to his mum like you FULLY embrace him having them with him, wherever he is living 50% of the time including overnights, school drop offs and pick ups etc etc. Do not let on that you do not want this!

Theres a really strong chance that he will piss about, realise he does not want this and you'll get what you want, but if you start setting out sensible ideas and practical routines that work for you now he will likely do his damndest to do anything but!

Put the ball firmly in his court, appear willing and eager to work with him as this will go in your favour far more than anything else will!

Speak to a legal bod asap!

This is really shitty of him but hopefully it won't be long before he realises how much work having the children 50/50 actually would be, that he can't actually do that with his work hours, and your solicitor will make it clear to him he cannot actually fuck off, evict you and the kids from the house and tra la la, be a free man doing as he pleases!

Well I'd be instigating EOW Friday to Sunday evening and Wednesday overnights from this Wednesday. Obviously you have Christmas weekend and he can have New Year.

Obviously not 50:50 but can say "let's build up to that"

It's time to manage how and when he is coming to the house either on his own or with his mother in the name of ''helping''.

He has decided to leave you, so it's not for him to wander back and forth, abusing you either directly or via a conversation with his mother/children.

I'm so pleased you have reached out to your solicitor friend. Please do not agree to anything until you know your position. If he starts to talk about selling the house etc, say thanks but this can wait until the new year and when I know exactly what my financial position is. he won't like it, but it was his choice to leave.

Has he taken the financial records/receipts with him?

I agree with an earlier poster who also said he has gone running back home to Mommy for comfort and the easy life and not to another woman. He doesn't want to be a grown up at the moment.

However if he has a change of mind and wants to return home, and you are keen, please do not go back to the old ways.

No more allowing him to run the finances, sit down together to pay the bills. He gets up to help with the children. He takes adult responsibility. Unless he can promise to do these things, don't let your heart rule out what your head is saying...

So sorry you are going through this right now. x

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Sounds like he wants out of family life in general so it's weird he wants 50-50. I would start the 50-50 tomorrow so he can understand reality. He may step up and do great with the children by himself - would not be the first time I have witnessed that.

Or not.
He sounds resentful.

I think he'd leave it all to his mum.

It pisses me off SO much when men do this. How dare they decide they no longer enjoy their life and simply walk away rather than in their opinion ‘waste time hanging around’ when they have two young children!!! Where does the sense of entitlement that they can simply walk away and start again come from? When you’re in a couple that’s one thing but when you’re a family and have young children you don’t get to just walk away.

I worked with a man in his 40’s who did this and fucked off travelling for six months! My friends husband simply rented himself a one bed flat and got a girlfriend! Leaving my friend with two children and all the day to day family stuff whilst he was free to go out every evening with his girlfriend and saw his children every other weekend. I have another friend whose husband has decided he doesn’t enjoy family life and has left her with a two year old!

This grates on me so much. So bloody selfish!

Let him go! Give yourself as much time as you need to get your head around it and then divorce him.

He has said that he is miserable in this life. He has had enough. That we arent compatible any more. We don't make any effort with each other any more. And he doesn't want to regret hanging around in a dead end relationship and wasting his life he hasnt been happy for a long time.

Sounds like he needs to grow the fuck up.

Chuck him out now. Stop doing anything for him. if he wants to see his children, do this when it's convenient for you, ad not in your house - make him take them to wherever he's decided to live. And you could start discussing his 50/50 parenting, and which days he would like each week. Or would he like to have his children for alternate weeks?

Make him realise what he's giving up.

I wonder what would happen if women just decided they'd had enough of child-rearing & family life? Ask him what he think he'd do if you decided you were "so done with this".

What a prize he is abandoning you and two small children like that just before Christmas. Disgraceful.
Go to three solicitors (ones that offer first half hour free) and choose the best one that's going to have your back.
Don't let the bully scare you and DO NOT sell your house.

These emotions will not last forever.
No emotion ever does.
You will heal and find the joys of life with Love and strength from those who matter.

He is a selfish man child. You will one day be thankful he left and gave you the opportunity to be truly happy.

He has already made comments about "dont think I'm financing you to live in this house". He makes put like he wants to see the kids 50/50 which absolutely baffles me.

Oh I've just seen this.

He's talking about 50/50 child care because in his tiny little mind, he thinks this means that he won't have to pay child support money to you.

But you need to see whether he puts his time where his mouth is.

Ball is in your court right now OP, set the ground rules.

Get angry, get a lawyer and congratulations on dropping that dead weight. don't fight for him, hes a waste of space - no man does this just before christmas of all times

oh OP you sound like an absolutely lovely, hard working, caring mum. he sounds like an absolute dickhead. you might not feel like it now, but one day soon you will be so glad to be shot of him and your life will be so much happier.

look out for yourself and the kids(finances, house, etc) because he will certainly be looking out for himself.

I think he wants 50-50 because he knows it will hurt me not to see my children everyday.
Is there any reason he would be so very very vindictive? If there is no possible reason for this, then you are better off without him. Even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.
You will survive this and be happier in the future. Please believe this.

Get the Universal Credit claim in. Also CSA.
As said if you don't push him, bet it is EOW.
And don't let it be at the house.
Make him parent for a change.

What a useless sack of shit he is.

He wants to wash his hands of his children and behave like he’s single again.

Make sure you get everything you are entitled to given you are the reason he’s been able to go out to work all this time.

I think many men think they want a family, but in reality it's the idea they like rather than what its actually like with young kids

Well he is following The Script to a tee.
He either has another woman lined up or has had his head turned.
He is a despicable turd.

@RandomMess

Well I'd be instigating EOW Friday to Sunday evening and Wednesday overnights from this Wednesday. Obviously you have Christmas weekend and he can have New Year.

Obviously not 50:50 but can say "let's build up to that"

I agree with that.

I also wouldn’t ask him how he plans to make it work. You have nothing to ask. And there is no way HE should be telling you how things are going to work.
You need to reclaim your power there. Esp as he, atm, will feel he is in total control. He is telling you he is leaving - no discussion possible. He is telling it will be 50/50. Again no discussion. He is telling you he won’t give you any money - no discussion. Can you see the pattern?
But that’s not how divorce works. He is in his own right to say the marriage is finished but after that, you have as much power as he has. You have as much right as him to decide what will happen. Don’t be fooled. You are strong, you have power and you have rights.

So TELL him. He is asking for 50/50. Fine. So as he has never looked after the dcs 50% of the time, there is a need for a build up. And then see what works best for you. Ask for that. Demand that. It’s not your job to automatically facilitate him. Not anymore.
As for how he is going to make it work? Not your issue. It will be up to him to sort out childcare if it’s needed (good luck with his finding that at short notice in the middle of a pandemic). And he certainly can NOT rely on you to do all the hard work (Aka still taking the dcs to school, picking them up etc…) on HIS days either.

Sending love. He sounds a complete dick. In time you will see this as opportunity fora happier life. Not yet. But you will xx you sound lovely so don’t let the bastard grind you down. He doesn’t get to call the shots!