My husband left me today

[Jane42321]

As the title says my husband has left me today and I am devastated. I really dont know what to do. We have been together for 13 years married for 2 and a half. We have two children 7 and 1.
He has always been a hot head. Never physical but is very moody and recently has been very hard to live with. He's under a lot of pressure at work and as a family we have had a lot to deal with. Back to back sickness and illness with our 1yo since she was born. It has been so very hard to deal with. Recently we have all had covid, me being the latest person to have it. And I think it's taken its toll on him. He doesnt cope well and doesnt deal with stress well at all. The majority of looking after the children always falls on me. The night feeds were all me. All of LOs time in hospital it was me. Occasionally I ask him to do the odd night get up and youd think you were asking him to commit murder. Last night she was up and it was his turn to get up and I could hear him over the monitor saying oh I am so done with this.
I just feel so devastated it has come out of nowhere. Yes we have our ups and downs like most people do but I didnt think it would end in this.
He has said that he is miserable in this life. He has had enough. That we arent compatible any more. We don't make any effort with each other any more. And he doesn't want to regret hanging around in a dead end relationship and wasting his life he hasnt been happy for a long time. He said I cant be shocked and did i not see this coming? Needless to say i did not see this coming. At all. I feel numb and totally heartbroken.
He initially asked if I wanted him to stay for the kids for Christmas. But after hearing all that he is the last person I want to be around now. His mum lives down the road so he has gone to stay with her. But this seems very permanent from how he was speaking. I don't know what to do. How do I even start to deal with this?

this was a woman feeling stressed and unhappy in a relationship, she would be encouraged to leave as life is too short etc. When a man is unhappy and wants to leave

Difference is, that a man generally doesn’t just leave a relationship, he gives up on the daily hard graft of child rearing. Men walk away from families, generally.

@Holly31

If this was a woman feeling stressed and unhappy in a relationship, she would be encouraged to leave as life is too short etc. When a man is unhappy and wants to leave, hes the worst human in the world.

For whatever reason, he's unhappy and doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

Wheather it's xmas, new year...theres always an event round the corner. I think he's getting a hard time for this.

OP doesn't speak to her mother, doesn't speak to her brother and now her DH has had enough.

Just throwing it out there, we only get one side of the story 🤷🏾‍♂️

And there's ways of doing it.

And blaming the partner is not the way.

No discussion. No trying. Just out of the blue.

That's not the way you should treat someone you once loved

Ok, OP, let’s be realistic here.

This has come as a shock to you so you probably don’t really know what you want right now. I think that is pretty normal. Your emotions will cloud your normal judgement.

So let’s help you be practical.

He doesn’t want 50/50. And don’t think his mum does, either, based on what you have posted so far. So he has just said that to hurt you. How do you respond? You give him exactly what he wants. 50:50. Or at least the illusion of building up to it. As a PP suggested, you get Christmas Day and he gets New Year this time around. He isn’t going to be able. Also, New Year will put a crimp in his new found ‘freedom’. It is quite possible, that after a month of this, he will come running back to you with his tail between his legs. However, I hope for your sake that he doesn’t. You are going to find out that you can do a lot better than him.

It is great that you have already spoken to a legal professional, even if it is on an informal, friends basis. They will have told you that he doesn’t get to choose whether you continue to live in that house or not. That will be up ti the courts to decide if it comes down to it.

But that is a long way off. Focus on now. Everyone will think he is an absolute shit leaving you and the children days before Christmas. You are already winning the PR war. Now give him enough rope to hang himself and arrange 50/50 over the school holidays.

Stay strong x

He's a vile, narcissistic man child, and his mother knows it. I bet she can imagine very well how he's been treating you and how it makes you feel. It's going to be hard starting a new life with a lot of upheaval, but you will be so much better off without him.

Hi, sorry that you are going through such shock and hurt. But honestly, it does sound like the relationship was struggling. There will be some tricky times ahead but keep in mind the significant benefits of life without a stroppy manchild not pulling his weight.
DO not agree to 50:50. No doubt he has heard or read that in that case he will not be liable for child maintenance and could also claim child benefit which you will need as a gateway to child tax credit, working tax credit and other benefits.

You are worth more than being treated this way, you really don’t need him.

So sorry he has done this to you xx

But he's NOT good with the children op

Soooooo many ops with crap partners/husbands "oh but he's a good dad" he NEVER is!

They are Disney dads at best!

Stop defending the indefensible

And I don't think his mother will help she raised him! And from sounds of things did everything for him?! He sounds like a spoilt Fucking Peter Pan!!

I'm sorry you're currently feeling devastated op I really am but I honestly think in 6 months you'll be realising you're WAY better off without him!

@LostForIdeas I know you mean well but honestly MILLIONS of uk fathers don't pay cm. My ex was army so it SHOULD have been bloody simple to sort...nope! Csa and now cms are basically Fucking useless

Op DO NOT depend on him paying cm whatever the scenario contact wise

Frankly I can well see this guy vanishing from his kids lives altogether - and quite honestly he'd be doing you and the kids a favour if he did! Truly no dad is better than a shit disinterested lazy one!

Be VERY careful re his mum, yes she may be lovely BUT ultimately he is her son! DO NOT tell her ANYTHING you don't want him to know or that he could use against you!

Hang on to family home as long as you can. Are you renting or do you own?

Listen everything's gonna close down over Xmas TOMORROW get onto

Council - single person discount
Dwp - to start claiming benefits (even if you're not sure you're eligible yet get the ball rolling in case you are)
Cms - in case they do help with your case
Bank - get your money away from his paws asap! Also cancel any dds for HIS benefit
Lawyers - get in early so you get the best one local to you - this may even lead you to learning if he's already sought advice because anyone he's spoken to can't deal with you

Dwp and cm is only backdated to date claimed so you need to get claims dated ASAP

He may just have been on online boards himself though, the male dominated ones tend to advise others on how to avoid cm etc

Plus focusing on the practical is helpful for coping with the emotional .

I WISH I'd had mn during my split I made so many "rookie errors"

PLEASE learn from my mistakes

@LostForIdeas I think the idea behind asking HIM how he thinks 50/50 will work is not to empower him and disempower op but to give him enough rope to hang himself!

We're not saying she has to AGREE to what he says, plus if he puts his crappy ideas in writing? Perfect!

With your update re allergies and again based on own experience like hell would I be letting him have sole care of the baby until ordered to do so.

My own ex was crap with dds allergies and health. Pure luck that his mum was far more on the ball and he was a lazy shit who went to his mums most of the time he had dd. Plus his ow had babysat for dd prior to split and she knew about dds allergies etc and even she pulled him up on his lack of care here!

@Holly31 no woman would be advised to abandon their kids! Indeed women who do are treated FAR more harshly than men!

Yes put the 50/50 child care on him now. Agree to him having the children at the weekends. If there is another woman she will soon get fed up of that.
Keep a diary, write everything he has said to you, nasty things and what he agreed to. Expenditure you’ve had to do.
You will have a calmer better life without him as I fail to see what benefit you had when he lived with you.
Yes don’t do the pick me dance. Smile, be confident. Keep your cards close to your chest and be one step ahead of him.

I know you have a lot on your plate. I too have an ADHD son. Medication was what got him through high school and off to university. He did have a lot of extra support and tutoring from us but the medication meant that he could learn and concentrate. We never medicated over the school holidays or weekends or evenings - unless he was doing some homework. Medication just means a slightly more focussed version of your child. I think of it as just levelling the playing field a little for him.

I am wondering if your son's school anxiety is because he is struggling to concentrate or is falling behind. My son had this fear about about ending up in what was popularly called "cabbage" maths by both the teachers and the students at his school. He was nearly hysterical when one teacher suggested it. He didn't turn into a math prodigy but with medication and extra tutoring he did well in maths right up to year 13 level. We were astonished when he got an A- for a first year university math paper. As an 11 year old he was in the lowest 10% of pupils for maths and I didn't get the feeling he was near the top of that 10% either.

any man who left me with a frequently sick one yr old could die in a fire basically. Sounds like a manchild. Best of luck op we can all do better than this and unless you are a tyrant, you absolutely deserve more. Work stress not a convincing excuse, for me.

You're better off without him, OP. Much better. He's not a nice man, he's trying to put all the blame on you for the way he's behaving. If he didn't want to continue with the marriage, he just had to say so. Luckily his mum sounds like she's prepared to support you. I bet he's planning on using her to help him with the DC. Don't worry about putting the house up for sale - there's no hurry to make any big decisions, and no court would order it anyway when there are small children needing a home. He'll just have to wait for his money!

He's saying he wants 50/50 as he knows that will mean he doesn't have to pay child support.

Yep.

Thats the first thing they find out.

He doesb want to look after hos own kids, it's all about the money.

He'll.dump them on someone else or flake on 50-50.

I can tell you now if he goes to court for 50/50 access he won't get it.

He doesn't have a place of his own and his working hours wouldn't allow him to be around for the 50/50 access to work;he's definitely planning to leave it all up to his mum;a solicitor could argue that it's not proper 50/50 access if he's getting another family member to look after them for him when the children could be with their mum.

Offering every other weekend for a full weekend and one night in the week is perfectly reasonable as it works out to roughly a 70/30 split.

I’m sorry op what you’re going through. But seems like you’re getting pretty strong advice here. If you need a good divorce lawyer I can give you a number, she’s great, just dm me. Good luck x

Men who take their kids 50/50 are like unicorns so the chance of that happening are miniscule.

Don’t do anything yet … except future plan by gathering all important documents, bank account details. Set up appointments with solicitor and do not allow him access to the home, he left.
Also please don’t worry about 50:50 you’ve a baby who he’s not capable of caring for, all men say this to hurt you. Tell him he can propose what time he wants the children and you will consider it. Do not start 50/50! As he could use this in court.

And get a cms claim started and call hmrc/benefits to start a single parent claim.
Spend some time and money on yourself to make you feel good!

@Jane42321

Thankyou to you all who have replied so far. I'm just completely shell shocked. I know the mortgage is in both our names. And the home insurance and the utility bills. But honestly I have nothing to do with it. He is the money man. I get paid each month and he sorts the bills and I just transfer him 50% of it. He pays the other. And then what we have left is our own to pay our own things, car insurance, phones, breakdown cover, and disposable etc. I havent got the first clue about what to do next. He has already made comments about "dont think I'm financing you to live in this house". He makes put like he wants to see the kids 50/50 which absolutely baffles me. Because he cant even get up with his daughter 1 night out the week for 20 minutes without feeling put out. It's why its baffling me even more. He wants to leave me and leave this "sh1tty" life but wants the kids for half a week when all he was having to do at home was help out one night because I'm at absolute breaking point and feeling poorly. I just dont get it. When I try and think and understand I just get upset. I feel pretty worthless at the moment. But keeping strong for my babies who dont deserve this at all. And then I feel so angry he would do this to them when all they do is adore him

He does have to pay maintenance if you become main carer to the children and you have legal right to stay in house whilst children are under age. Depending on what you earn you may be entitled to universal credit and childcare support. And when I got divorced my council tax was reduced due to single occupancy. You need to look at your finances and work out if you can afford to support you kids as things are. It's better (financially) if you can work maintenance, splitting of possessions custody arrangements etc out amicably between you but if not you need a solicitor.

OP the one who leaves has been thinking about it for weeks, months even. The person left behind has just been hit by a bomb. Don't let him rush you into making any rash decisions. Tell him you refuse to discuss it untill New Year. That gives you time to absorb the shock. Practically ring council and tell them he has left and you want 25 percent reduction in council tax. If you are not on a water meter you can get reduction as well. Check out benefits calculator. Find any details about pensions, yours and his too. Take control of marriage certificate. If you decide to divorce him you will need it. Remember it is better to be in control, because you set the pace, than let him divorce you at his pace. Don't agree to put house on market. He may say he wants kids 50/50 but would that be best for kid's/could he cope 50 Percent of time? If he is depressed but refuses medication would they be safe with him? Get child benefit in your name and going into your bank account. Get a benefit claim started. Never show weakness to him. Never let him see you cry. He has likely found someone else. He does not deserve you or children. Get support in real life. Book to see a solicitor to talk it through. Remember he no longer has your back. It is up to you go put yourself and children first. Finally he may say he won't pay towards mortgages but he will have to do what court tells him to do.

When he takes children for overnight, don't run around packing up all they need. That is for him to do on his parenting times.ake him do their laundry when they are with him too and buy nappies. Don't pack nappies to take with him. Force him to be their parent when they are with him. Make him do 50/50 hospital appointments as well, drop off to nursery and collection. He will soon realise how hard you have been working.

hope you managed to get some sleep OP, what a huge shock just before Christmas. You've had some excellent advice re. solicitor etc. So I'm going to offer something regarding your son. Children have had a huge amount to cope with over the last couple of years, and in addition to this your DS is trying to cope with attention and focus at school and rising levels of anxiety, and now dad leaving just before Christmas. Holiday times can be very difficult because the 'safety' of daily school routine goes out the window. Sit down with him today and draw up a calendar for the next two weeks so that he knows exactly what is happening. Let him suggest outings, screen time etc. and work together to organise it. This will give him a sense of control at a time when he may feel he doesn't have any. When/if you make any arrangements for seeing dad during the hols, add this to the calendar. Tell him you both love him and what has happened is not his fault! He will find it reassuring that dad is staying with gran just a few doors down.

Him having the strength to leave because he is weak will be your blessing in disguise, you will be ok, get through Christmas, and then decide what you want. My X left and I was blindsided too, but they have been thinking and planning, I promise you will be fine and happier on your own