My husband left me today

[Jane42321]

As the title says my husband has left me today and I am devastated. I really dont know what to do. We have been together for 13 years married for 2 and a half. We have two children 7 and 1.
He has always been a hot head. Never physical but is very moody and recently has been very hard to live with. He's under a lot of pressure at work and as a family we have had a lot to deal with. Back to back sickness and illness with our 1yo since she was born. It has been so very hard to deal with. Recently we have all had covid, me being the latest person to have it. And I think it's taken its toll on him. He doesnt cope well and doesnt deal with stress well at all. The majority of looking after the children always falls on me. The night feeds were all me. All of LOs time in hospital it was me. Occasionally I ask him to do the odd night get up and youd think you were asking him to commit murder. Last night she was up and it was his turn to get up and I could hear him over the monitor saying oh I am so done with this.
I just feel so devastated it has come out of nowhere. Yes we have our ups and downs like most people do but I didnt think it would end in this.
He has said that he is miserable in this life. He has had enough. That we arent compatible any more. We don't make any effort with each other any more. And he doesn't want to regret hanging around in a dead end relationship and wasting his life he hasnt been happy for a long time. He said I cant be shocked and did i not see this coming? Needless to say i did not see this coming. At all. I feel numb and totally heartbroken.
He initially asked if I wanted him to stay for the kids for Christmas. But after hearing all that he is the last person I want to be around now. His mum lives down the road so he has gone to stay with her. But this seems very permanent from how he was speaking. I don't know what to do. How do I even start to deal with this?

Oh how lovely of him doing that to the kids before Christmas, sounds to me like the only person he cares about is himself.
Make sure you get a good deal from the divorce and never pity him or be fair because he doesn't care about you and the children.
So sorry OP.

@Jane42321

GoodnightGrandma sorry I dont know how to work this so hope I'm replying properly to you. He has seen the GP about it. Was put on sertraline. Gave up after a week said they made him feel funny. Hasnt reached out since. I have tried my hardest to support him. Encourage him to go out with friends. Do his hobbies. Take time out. Go have a lie down when it gets too much. He makes out like I dont let him do these things but its lies. It really is. He made a comment he has no friends because of me. When he does. It's actually the other way round if I'm totally honest with myself. I have tried to full support him and I feel betrayed now that hes just gone like that.

To reply directly press ‘quote’ in the top right corner. He obviously needs to address his mental health issues. If he won’t then there’s nothing you can do, but I’d be concerned about him having the kids on his own. Make sure any child benefits are paid into your personal bank account. And i agree with taking half of anything in a joint account. It’s better to take it now than not be able to access it in the future.

Sounds like you’re well rid of him to be honest
He doesn’t sound like a good partner or a good dad
Stay calm and remember you can’t change his behaviour - only your reaction to it is in your control

He sounds like a dickhead who thinks children are women's work and has provably had his head turned by some other woman. Would explain him suddenly leaving at this time of year.

Either way, the children shouldn't be in a household with a moody father who treats their mum shaudily.

I'd get the house on the market ithe new year and concentrate on splitting as fast as possible. Before the fucker changes his mind.

Don't take him back. Life is too short.

Do not leave the house. It's yours and your children's home, he's incapable of being the primary carer for them (as demonstrated By his behaviour), he doesn't get a choice about kicking you out.

@Jellycatspyjamas

Oh I’d be saying quite the opposite - I assume he does want to carry 50% responsibility for the children he helped create, and have him starting making plans to pull his weight. People who think they can walk away with minimal impact on them drive me nuts, if he wants to leave you can’t stop him but I’d not make it easy for him to leave me holding the kids.

People always say that on here, but the fact is, men can walk away completely from their children and often do, the only reminder a photograph in their wallet that they look at fondly sometimes. You can't bully or force anyone into parenting if they refuse to.

Hi, I’ve just read yr last post, already he’s attempting to set the ground rules….or trying to! Arrogant sod! He sounds horrible re his comment about not funding you to live in ‘this’ house - he’s already working/worked things out. You’re a bit behind the 8th ball as this is a total surprise, you’ve got to get up to speed to indicate you’re not the pushover he assumes. I’m sorry as you’re dealing with shock, and whilst this is all new to you, I suggest he’s probably been thinking about this for awhile. Time now to find out your rights and you have some! Don’t let him do the telling, there are laws to protect you. Don’t even think about he’ll cope with the children, - his problem. Now’s the time to get advice re your situation. I’d be getting a solicitor today.

I’m so sorry the self self-centered asshole has put you through this. Heartless prick how the fuck dare he. All you can do now is get your ducks ina line see a silicitor ans see where you stand.

Your message sounds like you're already a single parent. My exh left on the 11th Dec 2007. He kept me with a 2yo and an about to turn 4yo. Its been hard work but omfg so worth it. He didn't help with anything and spent most of his time online ignoring our ds. When he left it felt right....although I spent the rest of the month crying tbf. I wanted him to come back in the first few days and then realised there was a reason for him going.
It's shit and will be for a while but....the end will be better....because you deserve better.

Quite honestly he sounds the type to go for 50/50 purely to avoid paying cm!

Watch yourself on that one. If he does have them 50/50 that means he has to provide clothes, furnishings and equipment etc for when he has them don't be giving him stuff from your end!

Get onto the financial and legal stuff asap

While it would be good if you could have some emotional breathing space that's quite a risk to take

I didn't have mn at my split and my ex cleaned out joint accounts and took the car, computer and other valuables within days of split

Get your own sole account in a completely different banking group to him. Trust me! Get any monies that are for you or dc eg child benefit paid into that account.

Also start any benefits claims asap as they only backdate to date of claim not date of split

Notify council to get single person discount asap

Ensure you aren't paying for anything that only he benefits from

but the fact is, men can walk away completely from their children and often do, the only reminder a photograph in their wallet that they look at fondly sometimes. You can't bully or force anyone into parenting if they refuse to.

So true!

I can definitely see this arse being the type to avoid cm. Is he self employed? If so then ANY evidence of his income in the house grab it up and keep it safe asap op

@Twizbe

He's saying he wants 50/50 as he knows that will mean he doesn't have to pay child support.

Then he will likely dump them on his mum until he can get a new 'partner' that he will dump them on.

He will have likely already done his research on this.

Totally agree with this. Someone has told him how to avoid paying for the children. Strap yourself in for a rocky ride, OP, and get to a solicitor ASAP.

What a wanker, pulling this shit right before Christmas. This tells you that fundamentally he is a selfish person, he couldn't play nice for a couple of weeks for the sake of your dc even if he actually does feel like this. Plus how fucking dare he do this just because he was asked to actually parent his children because you are ill.

Generally there will be another woman in the background somewhere, nit that he'll admit that. Also, the rewriting history (I don't have friends because of you when actually that's a lie) is very common.

He will be saying he wants 50/50 because that way he wouldn't have to pay child maintenance. If he hasn't historically bothered being a parent and doing 50% of the care (which it sounds like he hasn't) then as pp said he'll be thinking he can palm the dc off on his mum until the ow comes out of the shadows and she can take over

This probably all sounds very cynical but a lot of women on here have been there, done that, got the T-shirt and can recognise The Script.

You are obviously hurting having been blindsided like this when you are ill. Take your time and do whatever you need to do to get through the next few days. Talk to friends and family, don't feel ashamed (you obviously have nothing to feel ashamed about but lots of women don't access their support network for fear of him changing his mind then not being able to take back telling people what an absolute shit he's been).

Thankyou so much everyone I really cant keep up with replying individually so I'll try and cover some points.
Re Another woman, I dont think so. He does have a best friend who is single and always has been. I think he sees him and thinks the grass is greener. Has nobody to answer to. Before he left he said I'm always asking him to do things. I said what have I asked you to do? I really havent asked him to do anything. He makes things up and says "get me this, get me that". He genuinely cant give an example because there isnt one. I am a bit of a doormat for an easy life. But now he is twisting things round to suit his own story. But yeh I do think he just wants to be on his own with no responsibility just like his friend. I've been poorly for over 2 weeks now. We didnt have one Christmas decoration up in the house at all and I felt so guilty on my children. So today my 7yo son said mum are you feeling well enough to put the tree up today. I said course I am mate we will do it. (My mum was supposed to come and help but shes a waste of space that's another story for another time). So I ended up climbing ladders into the loft to get everything out. His mum came up as we were doing it and offered to help with the baby. I didnt even ask my husband to do anything. Not go in the loft or move anything or pass me anything. I did it all myself. And I'm up the ladder in the loft trying to get the decorations out for the children and I can hear him downstairs saying to his mum "drop everything coz she wants it doing NOW". His mum did point out there was 6 days til Christmas and there wasnt a single decoration up in the house. I lost my sh1t then and stated that again this is another job that always falls on me to do and I stood up for myself. And that was it then. Hes unhappy in his marriage and hes leaving and it's been a long time coming. I just wanted a tree up for my children

I doubt he does want 50/50. It's more likely he doesn't want to have to pay child maintenance. If he hasn't given a shit about their care so far, I don't think he's suddenly going to be father of the year.

Did he want children ?

Put in a claim for child Maintenance via CMS asap

Yet another male walking away from their responsibilities

Leaving just before Xmas = Another woman. I guarantee it.

To be honest this all sounds rather familiar

I actually highly doubt there is another woman. He just sounds the sort to throw his toys out of the pram at the slightest suggestion he's in the wrong. So he's gone storming back off to mummy to have his ego stroked.

If she's worth her salt she'll keep him for 24 hours then tell him to grow up and get his shit together.

But he won't change though I promise you that. You'll end up papering over the cracks and might limp on for a few more years together. Until it's you who is the miserable one and finally stands up for yourself and ends it

It seems pretty obvious:

• you were ill for the first time, meaning he actually had to do some parenting
• your 1yo has been sickly, meaning he actually had to do some parenting

So now he wants to bail out of his marriage, but knows that 50:50 will enable him to avoid paying any child support. He genuinely doesn't equate 50:50 with doing any parenting. Someone else will do that.

I would ask around for which divorce lawyer is recommended in your area, and make an appointment - as then they can't represent him. Plus it gets the ball rolling.

You poor thing. This is depressingly common. Embrace your anger and take no shit. Good luck

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Sounds like he wants out of family life in general so it's weird he wants 50-50. I would start the 50-50 tomorrow so he can understand reality. He may step up and do great with the children by himself - would not be the first time I have witnessed that.

Or not.
He sounds resentful.

I think he wants 50-50 because he knows it will hurt me not to see my children everyday. Which it really will. I cant imagine it and how my life and the kids lives are going to be turned upside down. When he with the children he is good with the children. I would never take that away from him. But its when he wants to be, it really is. He has said himself he cant cope like I can. He has no patience. So I dont know how the hell it's going to be. Like NotStayingIn says he will just have his mum do it probably! But yes he is resentful and nasty.

God I bet you're all thinking this is a blessing in disguise. But I do love him and I'm devastated.

I'm sorry x

It's hard at anytime, but right after you've had covid & Christmas it's particularly crap!

I'm afraid I agree with cherchez La femme - men very very self only leave before they've lined up a replacement.

He 'wants' 50:50 so he doesn't have to pay child maintenance.

News for him... HE doesn't get to choose about the house, a judge will. Git.

Please say he doesn't work for himself?!

How do you get on with his Mum?

HTG if he thinks the rest of us have had a brilliant two years he's a deluded twat. It sounds like you have been very supportive while he's just piled all the looking after of the kids into you.

Personally I don't think there's any going back from this, you'd never trust him to be there for you again & at that point you're better off 'going it alone' at least you know where you stand.

I'm really sorry though as I know how devastating it is, but honestly, have s goid cry tonight & be sad for the loss of the future you thought you had together. Then from
Tomorrow TRY your best to move forward! It's easy to waste too much of your time/life/energy in this god awful phase and it does you no good.

As others have said, mive half the money you can to an account in your name and gather up ALL paperwork, put it somewhere safe (best at a friends for now) especially any of his investment/pension details. You & the kids might be entitled to a share of that - though IF you have even pensions, probably not).

Do NOT let him do his 50% (or 1%) in the house, he wanted OUT, he needs to make arrangements out.

What support do you have - other than us?

I really am sorry, I know how much it hurts 💐

A few things from your posts:

• it’s not your fault. You’ve kept all the plates spinning whilst he just grumbled when he asked to step from time to time.
• go and see a solicitor tomorrow. Get advice and please don’t NOT tell him about it. Keep the cards close to your chest.
• don’t worry about him having the dcs. If he can’t be bothered to get up in the night from time to time, he won’t be happy to have them 50/50. Thé inky reason why he is going in about it is the money and him trying to scare you that he won’t be paying anything at all. He WILL.
• as for not being in love, you not spending enough time with him as a couple etc.. this is just bollocks. What he has an issue with is doing the hard parenting when a child is ill and young. To have to make all the forts going with it. I not be able to have the things he wants just like he wants them. I am not even sure I would buy the depression reason because he clearly didn’t try with the meds/getting support.

If you don't have concerns for the children's safety, crack on with 50/50 starting right now.

I'm sorry op as this must be really psinful.

You've had a lot to contend with, with a baby in hospital, bouts of Covid, taking on all the emotional and physical labour of child rearing, and now this silly man having tantrums because his life isn't as fun as he'd like.

I'm so sorry, OP. It's okay to feel devastated and heartbroken. It's a shame that the people we love the most aren't always worthy of it.

Sounds like he's only a dad when it suits him. A goof dad doesn't huff and puff because he's been asked to do one night feed. You sound like a lovely mum and a far better parent than him.

OP was his mother there when you had the row over the tree? What is she like, is she likely to support you, be ashamed of/chastise her son?