My husband left me today

[Jane42321]

As the title says my husband has left me today and I am devastated. I really dont know what to do. We have been together for 13 years married for 2 and a half. We have two children 7 and 1.
He has always been a hot head. Never physical but is very moody and recently has been very hard to live with. He's under a lot of pressure at work and as a family we have had a lot to deal with. Back to back sickness and illness with our 1yo since she was born. It has been so very hard to deal with. Recently we have all had covid, me being the latest person to have it. And I think it's taken its toll on him. He doesnt cope well and doesnt deal with stress well at all. The majority of looking after the children always falls on me. The night feeds were all me. All of LOs time in hospital it was me. Occasionally I ask him to do the odd night get up and youd think you were asking him to commit murder. Last night she was up and it was his turn to get up and I could hear him over the monitor saying oh I am so done with this.
I just feel so devastated it has come out of nowhere. Yes we have our ups and downs like most people do but I didnt think it would end in this.
He has said that he is miserable in this life. He has had enough. That we arent compatible any more. We don't make any effort with each other any more. And he doesn't want to regret hanging around in a dead end relationship and wasting his life he hasnt been happy for a long time. He said I cant be shocked and did i not see this coming? Needless to say i did not see this coming. At all. I feel numb and totally heartbroken.
He initially asked if I wanted him to stay for the kids for Christmas. But after hearing all that he is the last person I want to be around now. His mum lives down the road so he has gone to stay with her. But this seems very permanent from how he was speaking. I don't know what to do. How do I even start to deal with this?

*Well I'd be instigating EOW Friday to Sunday evening and Wednesday overnights from this Wednesday. Obviously you have Christmas weekend and he can have New Year.

Obviously not 50:50 but can say "let's build up to that"*

I agree with this. He is likely to use his mum as childcare on an attempt to get 50/50 and not pay maintenance. His comments about the house suggests he has been talking to someone.

If he hasn't met someone in real life,could it be online? Is he clued to his phone?

I’d also start with 50/50 tomorrow

@Calamitydrayne

Get a solicitor first thing tomorrow. You don't need to think he will be financing you. He WILL finance you, whether he likes this shitty life or not.

Please don’t do this. With fifty fifty the op won’t get child maintenance and with a very short marriage it’s hugely unlikely he will be financing her.

Gingerbread has advice - help when you can't agree
Is his mum even able or wiĺling to do 50/50? It does sound like he might be trying to avoid maintenance. You might have to find a good family law solicitor.

He's showing an amazing lack of empathy. I'd be researching narcissists if I was you. If he is narcissistic it will really help you to understand what you are dealing with.

@Jellycatspyjamas

Oh I’d be saying quite the opposite - I assume he does want to carry 50% responsibility for the children he helped create, and have him starting making plans to pull his weight. People who think they can walk away with minimal impact on them drive me nuts, if he wants to leave you can’t stop him but I’d not make it easy for him to leave me holding the kids.

Disagree. Over my dead body would I have handed my children over to my ex husband for a single minute. He was abusive, so that makes a difference - but if XH hadn't been abusive and had "just" left me, the thing that would have crucified me would have been not having the children with me all the time when they were younger. Why do so many people on here assume that a woman who has been abandoned will also want to lose her children for half of the time, in order to "prove a point"?

Cohabiting directly before marriage counts towards length of marriage as does having DC so it won't be considered a "short marriage".

I think he's too lazy to go 50:50 tbh especially if he outsourced it to his Mum to prevent op having care that can be objected to.

You do or offer NOTHING until you've spoken to a solicitor. The nuances of divorce and child residency are myriad and what worked in one case may not work in another.

You need to speak to a solicitor about YOUR particular situation and what YOU can expect. Not what another poster or 'Joanie down the street' did or received in their divorce. Even though the laws may be the same throughout the country, in actuality decisions and settlements can differ from court to court and judge to judge. Remember: forewarned is forearmed.

@denisthepenis it’s a different situation though.
The OP states clearly when when he is with the kids, he is a good dad.

He just doesn’t want to deal with all the hard but if parenting (or so it looks atm). That’s very different.

@Jane42321, the area that, imo, will be harder tI balance is the health of your 1yo.
Obviously you’ve been doing all the doctors appointments etc… how would it work when your dc needs more appointments? Is he planning to take dc? Does he know what’s going on? Will he communicate with you re their care?
I’d say that THIS is an area where you need some input on a legal POV so see where you stand. Esp as the child is so young, it might be that the best for the child is for your DC2, to stay with you full time with EOW only (or maybe not even that) for their own well-being/health.

@MadinMarch

I think he wants 50-50 because he knows it will hurt me not to see my children everyday. Is there any reason he would be so very very vindictive? If there is no possible reason for this, then you are better off without him. Even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. You will survive this and be happier in the future. Please believe this.

No no reason I can think of for him to be like that. It's just what he is like. He can be really nasty. I've never done anything to him . I thought I had been a good wife. Faithful. Loyal. Supportive. Caring. But in his eyes I'm not supportive and I do nothing for him. I'm resentful. He had a lot to say it was hard to take it all in in the end. Theres only so much negativity you can hear about yourself before your brain just shuts down x

OP, I do not have children, so can't offer advice on that aspect, I am afraid. But about 6 years ago, one Sunday evening, I was posting on here in a similar situation to you. After 13 years together, DP told me out of the blue that he was leaving. I just wanted to tell you that you will survive this. 100% you will survive this and then you will thrive. One day, when you're living your next chapter, you will catch yourself and realise that you and your children are happier than you have ever been. Honestly.

Will hismum support you in not taking the children for him?

[quote LostForIdeas]@denisthepenis it’s a different situation though.
The OP states clearly when when he is with the kids, he is a good dad.

He just doesn’t want to deal with all the hard but if parenting (or so it looks atm). That’s very different.

@Jane42321, the area that, imo, will be harder tI balance is the health of your 1yo.
Obviously you’ve been doing all the doctors appointments etc… how would it work when your dc needs more appointments? Is he planning to take dc? Does he know what’s going on? Will he communicate with you re their care?
I’d say that THIS is an area where you need some input on a legal POV so see where you stand. Esp as the child is so young, it might be that the best for the child is for your DC2, to stay with you full time with EOW only (or maybe not even that) for their own well-being/health.[/quote]
Thanks for this. Re the illnesses its pretty much under control now. DD(1yo) was diagnosed with cows milk allergies shortly after birth, then soy allegies, then egg when weaning. We manage these now and she sees dieticians and consultants every 6 months which I can deal with. The ongoing illnesses have been since I started back at work full time in September. And shes been attending nursery 3 days a week. As all you mummys and daddy's know the germs flying round at the minute are just unbelieve. So since September shes had norovirus (which we all caught) the RSV bronchiolitis, then she had HFMD twice! The second time was 10 times worse and spread into a secondary bacterial infection all over her body like impetigo. It was horrendous! The most recent shes still getting over now is adenovirus which I think ive caught after having covid. First week in December I just cant seem to shake it. When DD can't go to nursery it's up to me to week from home or use my annual leave I've accrued whilst being on mat leave. My employer is so much more flexible so its what has worked for us up to now. DS (7yo) was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago. He doesnt have any regular appointments or anything they discharged us because we didnt wish to medicate. But recently since going back to school this year he has been struggling with terrible anxiety. Hes that anxious it's making him physically sick. And then he wont eat. And he gets upset. It's so horrible to see. Have seen the GP about it a few weeks ago and the school are helping. But it's just another worry. Needless to say I dont want all this to kick off his anxiety because it's already worse again. Just as he was leaving, my husband said to him he would make DS a doctors appointment. Dont think hes ever made a doctors appointment in his life for one of the kids and now all of a sudden he's saying he will. I just dont get it. Anyway in reply to future appointments etc I dont think there would be a need for him to take them I would be able to manage that but if it came down to it he would just have to manage. And hes going to have to learn to get his head around the allergies for DD too and what to buy from shopping and how to cook her meals.

If this was a woman feeling stressed and unhappy in a relationship, she would be encouraged to leave as life is too short etc. When a man is unhappy and wants to leave, hes the worst human in the world.

For whatever reason, he's unhappy and doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

Wheather it's xmas, new year...theres always an event round the corner. I think he's getting a hard time for this.

OP doesn't speak to her mother, doesn't speak to her brother and now her DH has had enough.

Just throwing it out there, we only get one side of the story 🤷🏾‍♂️

@Ubiquery

OP, I do not have children, so can't offer advice on that aspect, I am afraid. But about 6 years ago, one Sunday evening, I was posting on here in a similar situation to you. After 13 years together, DP told me out of the blue that he was leaving. I just wanted to tell you that you will survive this. 100% you will survive this and then you will thrive. One day, when you're living your next chapter, you will catch yourself and realise that you and your children are happier than you have ever been. Honestly.

This just made me cry. Thank you so much for this. I am so sorry that happened to you. But you are here now advising others who find themselves in the same position as you. So thank you. And congratulations on your new chapter and your happier life xx

@Jane42321
You have had a huge shock and a lot on your plate with your children's health issues. Take a step back and breathe.
The next few months will be difficult but not impossible. In time you will look back as a different and stronger woman than you ever thought possible.
Lots of great advice (I wish I had known) from other posters. Gather all legal and financial documents while he is away. See a solicitor or two. Inform CMS as this will be dated as of the time he decided to feck off. Go online to see what UC you would be entitled to. Make sure Child Benefit is in your name. Importantly, contact Citizens Advice. They where totally so supportive and helpful and have seen this a thousand times before.
Be strong and call his bluff.
It WILL be OK in the end. Take it from someone out the other side.

@Holly31

If this was a woman feeling stressed and unhappy in a relationship, she would be encouraged to leave as life is too short etc. When a man is unhappy and wants to leave, hes the worst human in the world.

For whatever reason, he's unhappy and doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

Wheather it's xmas, new year...theres always an event round the corner. I think he's getting a hard time for this.

OP doesn't speak to her mother, doesn't speak to her brother and now her DH has had enough.

Just throwing it out there, we only get one side of the story 🤷🏾‍♂️

Hi Holly. Thank you. You are right. there definitely is two sides to everything. And my husband will have his own side of it. But if he had sat down with me and told me he wasnt happy and that he wanted to keep things amicable for his children, and we can support each other and work through a separation, then I probably wouldnt be sat here on mumsnet talking to you all for advice. I dont think I said I didnt speak to my mum. I do speak to my mum. I just dont feel supported by her because she has let me down so many times in my life. Without going into detail my mum has her own struggles with alcoholism. And if you have any understanding at all what it's like to know an alcoholic then you will know what I mean. I love her dearly she is my mother but it's not simple she has her own shit going on. Shit that I also have to support her through. I havent fallen out with my brother either and I do speak to him. But we arent close I dont speak to him every day. Just throwing it out there too. Anyway. Thank you

He has to take on 50% of the responsibility and pay for the children, he helped create

I know your hurting right now , especially this close to Christmas , but how you describe him, I think you will soon realise that you are better off without him

It doesn't sound like you had a very happy life with him!? Like another PP said, now he has solit with you, it means that you will get some rest when he has the kids 50/50...what does he expect? I cant stand men that think they can just leave their kids with the woman when they've had enough

@Jane42321 Yes, I only said this because my husband left me. Everyone slated him for abandoning me and the kids, but I knew it was me that drove him away.

I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness in the future X

@Holly31

If this was a woman feeling stressed and unhappy in a relationship, she would be encouraged to leave as life is too short etc. When a man is unhappy and wants to leave, hes the worst human in the world.

For whatever reason, he's unhappy and doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

Wheather it's xmas, new year...theres always an event round the corner. I think he's getting a hard time for this.

OP doesn't speak to her mother, doesn't speak to her brother and now her DH has had enough.

Just throwing it out there, we only get one side of the story 🤷🏾‍♂️

Is this your husband posting this crap OP?

[quote Holly31]@Jane42321 Yes, I only said this because my husband left me. Everyone slated him for abandoning me and the kids, but I knew it was me that drove him away.

I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness in the future X[/quote]
That's you.
Op is not you and has not drove her husband away from his responsibilities.

Just wanted to say that mothers are the strongest creatures on the planet. We love and look after our children no matter what. You're a mama bear and you will do whatever you can to give yourself and your children a happy life. You don't need a moany, unhelpful and selfish husband. My friend's exH suffered from poor mental health for years but refused to get help. She was practically a single mum for years, doing everything for the home and the children whilst working. They eventually divorced and she's been dating a lovely man for a year and she's very happy.

Just another quick point, time lived together before marriage counts towards the total length of the marriage. Please speak to a solicitor ASAP to get your ducks in a row.

Sounds like hes a little boy that's tired of the hard slug of being a parent and a man.

He wants to be at mammys house with no kid responsibilities like getting up in the middle of the night.

Let this man child stay there, get your ducks in order. In the long run you'll have a much peaceful life once hes out of your hair.

Hi OP, I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to hand them over 50/50 BUT can I just say at least you know if the kid’s are with your MIL they’re safe. I’m not saying it will be easy but you seem to love and respect her so I hope that’s a comfort in what must feel like a shitstorm right now.