Dating Thread 221 - will this thread see us through 'till Christmas?

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@backonthedatingtrain

My experience with bumble:

• I found quite a lot of guys match but don't respond, so please don't take it personally if you have 10 matches and 8 don't reply and 1 fizzles out and 1 is a weirdo!

It's like most dating apps, you have to do a lot of sifting/dead ends. It's not a reflection of how attractive you are.

• Women have to send the first message. I wouldn't overthink this, I just send something simple like "hi nice to meet you, how are you today X?". Or even an emoticon or a gif.

I kind of work on the principle that if someone is attracted to my photos they'll reply, and I shouldn't need to "have to chat them up" initially. Also of course after you've initiated contact it's not just down to you to "carry the chat"!

• It's marketed as "women message first and women safety first" but of course it doesn't cut out the creeps and sex guys and weirdos so just be aware and usual screening etc

• It's the "same old faces" to a certain extent - as in if you're on Tinder you'll see the same guys there too, and might be good to have breaks regularly as with all online dating.

@backonthedatingtrain I would echo what @SpringlikeBunk has said about Bumble. There's a slightly higher bar I guess than tinder (which I've never used) in terms of the quality of messaging but I really struggled to get people to meet. I had two of my most outrageous and surprising flake experiences from Bumble. Both were great at messaging and made loads of plans to meet and then flaked with very little notice on some quite elaborate plans. It's taken me over 6 months to fully get one of them out of my hair.

So I have an old question. I have a couple of my irons who've started to follow me on Instagram and message me there. Not really sure what to think of this although I've noticed my kids prefer to use Instagram for messaging. They tend to respond to my stories and send me messages that way.

@Naimee87 Nope! I wish I could. I'm hoping to start learning sometime next year. It started off as fear then money never really worked out. We get by OK, we have good transport links and live very close to the town centre but it will be a game changer when I can!!

@BelladiMamma

Idk, I don’t use Instagram - have you met these guys in which case mystery solved?

I’d kind of wonder if they’re actually not available or not seriously interested in meeting someone and using Instagram for female chat/attention/getting more followers or networking?

I make it quite clear now I’m not a social media woman, but I have had irons who want me to start engaging with their insta profile before meeting.

And I presume want to trawl through/access my contacts and network and followers too?

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

Idk, I don’t use Instagram - have you met these guys in which case mystery solved?

I’d kind of wonder if they’re actually not available or not seriously interested in meeting someone and using Instagram for female chat/attention/getting more followers or networking?

I make it quite clear now I’m not a social media woman, but I have had irons who want me to start engaging with their insta profile before meeting.

And I presume want to trawl through/access my contacts and network and followers too?[/quote]
Two of them yes, one no.

Idk if it's a trend amongst a particular group as they're all creatives and post their work on Instagram? I kind of use it as a creative out let too but it feels a bit odd. But that might just be my perception 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@backonthedatingtrain

My experience with bumble:

• I found quite a lot of guys match but don't respond, so please don't take it personally if you have 10 matches and 8 don't reply and 1 fizzles out and 1 is a weirdo!

It's like most dating apps, you have to do a lot of sifting/dead ends. It's not a reflection of how attractive you are.

• Women have to send the first message. I wouldn't overthink this, I just send something simple like "hi nice to meet you, how are you today X?". Or even an emoticon or a gif.

I kind of work on the principle that if someone is attracted to my photos they'll reply, and I shouldn't need to "have to chat them up" initially. Also of course after you've initiated contact it's not just down to you to "carry the chat"!

• It's marketed as "women message first and women safety first" but of course it doesn't cut out the creeps and sex guys and weirdos so just be aware and usual screening etc

• It's the "same old faces" to a certain extent - as in if you're on Tinder you'll see the same guys there too, and might be good to have breaks regularly as with all online dating.[/quote]

Wow thank for your detailed response. I was starting to worry I am doing something wrong. I try to use questions and answer them myself to start the conversation . Thank you for all the tips

[quote BelladiMamma]**@backonthedatingtrain* I would echo what @SpringlikeBunk* has said about Bumble. There's a slightly higher bar I guess than tinder (which I've never used) in terms of the quality of messaging but I really struggled to get people to meet. I had two of my most outrageous and surprising flake experiences from Bumble. Both were great at messaging and made loads of plans to meet and then flaked with very little notice on some quite elaborate plans. It's taken me over 6 months to fully get one of them out of my hair.

So I have an old question. I have a couple of my irons who've started to follow me on Instagram and message me there. Not really sure what to think of this although I've noticed my kids prefer to use Instagram for messaging. They tend to respond to my stories and send me messages that way. [/quote]
Thank you @BelladiMamma . As long as you are comfortable with the messages the irons send you there , I think it's fine . It's also a good way for the irons to get a glimpse of what you like and your daily life without having to elaborate it in messages

Thanks @backonthedatingtrain @SpringlikeBunk
It's all very respectful and responding to stories so it's kinda friendly interest I suppose? One of them wants to meet again (MrPoet), one of them is in some sort of ongoing depressive episode (MrBeau) so meeting or having a relationship isn't on the cards and one of them is way too keen (MrChef2).

@InABetterPlaceNow I've read all your posts about your interactions with MrT but I do find them quite confusing and hard to follow, and I am always surprised when I see how early days it is. Tbh this is waving some amber flags at me, from my experience of unhealthy and overly codependent relationships. I'd tread very lightly and carefully from here on in

@Isitreallyme177 you know what I'm going to say don't you? This guy doesn't deserve you or his girlfriend. Cut him loose, you don't need this in your life. At least now you've had sex with him you might have more of a chance of washing him out of your hair?

@Eesha wow you are an absolute pro at this my friend. Just in awe. Enjoy every bloody moment

@Naimee87 well that's bloody great you've had the support you need. Too bloody right that sexist teacher pointing the finger and you can leave head held high and help DS settle into his next place. Go you ❤️

There seem to be some really lovely budding and established relationships on here at the moment, which gives us all hope.

While I am planning on going back on the apps in January, I do really enjoy the lack of headfuck that comes with not being on the apps. I'm having a brilliant weekend - caught up with a fabulous friend with much merriment last night, spent today reading, drinking tea and eating chocolate while finishing a book. Had a haircut, now absolutely loving the football. Will be watching DC play football tomorrow which I always enjoy. But I do have to remember that there are times when I miss having someone to do fun stuff with. So apps in Jan. And thread meet in Feb! 😊😊😊

Naimee your teacher story is absolutely shocking!!! Thank God it's all change next month.

Thank you for the feedback @BelladiMamma . I'm sad to hear you say that honestly, having been in unhealthy relationships / codependent ones and done a huge amount of therapy / inner work around it. This has all felt different but I suppose you are seeing things I'm not.

@WeWantTheFinestWines Thanks for the new thread.

@isitreally177 I won't go on too long as lots have already commented.
When we're together we really are just two friends hanging out, drinking coffee and chatting, we've even compared dating stories. In fact on Saturday he was the one that brought up our friendship and how much it means to him

So you're great friends but you can't/don't want to message him when his girlfriend (the one who didn't have a label, who was long distance and it probably wasn't going anywhere) is at his.
Friends can message each other whenever so whats the problem with you messaging?
I wonder if she knows about you and what good friends you are?

I'm interested that you say its the best sex you've had, how can sex with a man who's cheating on his girlfriend be the best🤷‍♀️
And the pregnancy/period comment needs no words from me.

I met Mr K's friends last night😱
It's interesting that a previous poster is meeting her guys friends tonight after 5 dates...Mr K and I are over 2 yrs in (of which 9 mths was FWB), the joke last night was how he doesn't like to rush things like introducing partners (I think the real reason is likely making sure our relationship is good before he introduces me, his past relationship history hasn't been great) and what a man of mystery he is when it comes to relationships.

All the friends are lovely, were pleased to meet me and had been wondering if I was real😂
Lots of alcohol, lots of dancing and rolled home at 2.30am.

Apparently friends who weren't there will want to meet me once they know the others have....

For those who helped with my fashion request I went with black jeans, black strappy top and a black and white cover up and black chelsea boots.

thanks ladies @WeWantTheFinestWines and @BelladiMamma i feel so much lighter now. Even if things aren't 💯 % finalized, the big decision/change was finally made/agreed upon! And the meeting showed how unbelievable the teacher was behaving which is what i'd wanted everyone to see for a very long time!

Finally relaxing with DS, quiet night in no truck studying to do, this last exam i need to retake is a practical one so have to go back to truck school for a half day course! So Fun! And now NO school meetings looming taking up headspace! Been a long while since i was able to actually relax like this.

@Naimee87 Sorry forgot to mention you, how great your son can change schools and as for that teacher, he clearly has an issue with single parents. I don't know how you kept your cool.

@InABetterPlaceNow

Thank you for the feedback *@BelladiMamma* . I'm sad to hear you say that honestly, having been in unhealthy relationships / codependent ones and done a huge amount of therapy / inner work around it. This has all felt different but I suppose you are seeing things I'm not.

This is the thing; I'm just a random on the internet and all the information I have is what you post here. So in a way, I know the square root of zero. It's just that I have an amber flag feel; not a red! We are all here to confide / thrash things through. And you can totally ignore anything I say. And I sincerely hope the amber flags turn green and also I look forward to the day when all of us on this thread don't have to care about whatever colour flag is happening in our relationships because we will be in healthy ones 💛💛💛

@Naimee87

thanks ladies *@WeWantTheFinestWines and @BelladiMamma* i feel so much lighter now. Even if things aren't 💯 % finalized, the big decision/change was finally made/agreed upon! And the meeting showed how unbelievable the teacher was behaving which is what i'd wanted everyone to see for a very long time!

Finally relaxing with DS, quiet night in no truck studying to do, this last exam i need to retake is a practical one so have to go back to truck school for a half day course! So Fun! And now NO school meetings looming taking up headspace! Been a long while since i was able to actually relax like this.

This is so good to hear!!! Rooting for you and DS big time. Time for pastures new 😊

Nice to read through the thread and catch up with how you’re all doing. I really look forward to reading all your updates. Solidarity to anyone who finds the Christmas period difficult.

This will be my first Christmas as a single parent. I was worried it might be a bit lonely but Mr B is now going to come over after I have the morning with the kids. We are going to eat non-Christmassy food, possibly watch Die Hard and probably do lots of Liebe Machen 😀

I met some of his friends and colleagues this week, they were nice. We spent a few nights together this week and it’s been really good to hang out together. He seems to be a bit of a calming influence on me, I like how relaxed and non-critical he is.

@BelladiMamma Thank you! And absolutely agree with what you've said. I don't think I'm running for the hills, and I'm hoping it's just me being clumsy in my wording. I also know a LOT of these things are my own issues being reflected that are coming to the surface (which is absolutely previously co-dependant stuff) so that will colour things too - so it's a big mixing pot of stuff. I've signed up to an online community / course to do with this kind of stuff that has good reviews which will be a stop gap until I can afford "better" therapy. I appreciate you making me pause and think about both how I'm acting, along with how we're relating.

At the end of the day, I'm not rushing into anything - we've both agreed meeting kids etc won't come until 6 - 12 months etc (if we're still together) and I'm aware that I have plenty more things to learn about him. It feels like things are settling a lot recently, we've got all the initial surface stuff out the way so that's kind of burnt out now 😂

Last night hasn't been mentioned again and reading back on my messages - it absolutely was my friend creating drama and I'll be backing off from talking to her (which is a pity as she's my DDs best friends mum! But will just be polite but guarded). The messages between MrT and I were more like "this is a weird situation, what's actually going on?". However I misconstrued something he said hence asking to jump on a call for 5 minutes rather than text. And after that was put to rest we went on the tangent thing and time flew.

Also hoping we'll all get to the healthy relationship space! After taking lots and lots of time to test the waters and not get swept away 😁❤️

Forgot to say I've got my sertraline now.... just started taking them a few days ago so still battling the side effects ❤️

.... maybe it's good that I had a break from
Mr Gambit too. I don't want him to know what a mess I've been, so maybe that happened for the best. 👍🏻❤️

@BelladiMamma

I personally wouldn't take SM/Instagram messages at more than pleasant face value, I imagine there's lots of creativity and nice interaction there.

But whether or not that means anything about being genuine and authentic and reliable and good IRL, I don't know....?

I used to use Twitter (not out of choice) and tbh I found the kind of guys who had the time and energy to engage lots on there and "try to be my internet friend" weren't necessarily the type I'd want to date or connect with in day to day life?

I guess to a certain extent SM is a bit of escapism/fantasy and they seemed flaky types who just wanted the fantasy of being "internet white knights"/connecting to someone with attractive photos.

Nothing wrong with internet mates, we're all on Mumsnet chatting here but in terms of this connection translating to actual real life, IDK?

@SortingItOut thanks so much, it's taken forever to get the school to approve a change and set things in motion. And no one has any idea why...It'll be a shame for my DS no longer being with his friends because their such a good group and very rarely fight/argue. I'll be doing my best to make sure they all keep in touch though. I'm also really looking forward to him making new friends and finally getting him out of the old 'pressurized' environment which will be amazing for us all. 🤞🏻💪🏻 If a man had been on the scene i hardly think i'd have been so pushed around and dealt with like i was. All we wanted was to get my DS into the correct environment where he can LEARN and not just about fish! 😂

I forgot to post about an outfit and bizarrely when you posted where you'd be going and it being 'Christmas' my black corduroy dress with a white or cream t-shirt underneath and black woolly tights/chunky boots popped into my head. I neeeed to find a event to wear that to now, but fat chance as everything here is being cancelled and the private party gathering rules are so confusing i give up trying to understand them. So great you met MrK's friends! Big step and such a nice one. I was hoping for a video call but got a few selfies from magnet-man yesterday. He asked on friday about the school stuff and i wanted to tell him how it went, but with his shit end to the week i think he needs a very quiet weekend. Hopefully next week we'll see each other and i'll update him then...

@Naimee87 What a shame you haven't been able to share the good news with Magnet man - fingers crossed for next week.

The corduroy dress combo sounds good, i have a black denim dungaree style dress and considered that too, it goes well with long sleeved tops of all colours. I'm glad I didn't wear it because I was very hot in my short sleeved top as it was (I blame the dancing😂)