Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Selfish wanker sums him up.

The word "despise" is a particularly shocking word to use.

That is a very hard word to step back from.

You deserve so much better than this weak excuse of a man.

I agree with @billy1966

If his affair partner had wanted him, you wouldn’t see him for dust now. Doubt he’d be popping in to read your son bedtime stories if she’d agreed to shack up with him.

But she didn’t.

Now he’s a middle aged saddo living back home with his mum. And he only wants to come home because he has nowhere else to be now and he has no replacement for you.

But if you let him come back, he won’t stop looking.

He’s told you who he is. He’s told you what he thinks. Believe him.

Urgh, his whining and wheedling is so incredibly unattractive, added to the way he's treated you, the whole thing is really beyond the pale.

You're worth 10,000 of him, you and your little boy are going to be just fine.

This is the kind of message I’m getting:
A lot has happened, and I’m very sorry for everything, but I want to try and make things work - it’s as simple as that from my perspective.
His thinking is so warped!

A lot has happened, and I’m very sorry for everything, but I want to try and make things work - it’s as simple as that from my perspective

Oh well, that's ok then, it's as simple as that eh.... so you're supposed to forget everything he's said and done, because 'HE' wants to make things work. Not a thought to his own behaviour. It's all about him isn't it. Doesn't sound like he's changed one iota

He thinks because he is being 'reasonable' now you should just jump to his tune! He literally only cares about himself

OP,

I started out full of sympathy for you but I have also come to admire you greatly. You sound smart and funny and nice and even elegant.

Needless to say the message you have quoted above does not come remotely close to a meaningful apology. You deserve so much better.

A lot has happened, and I’m very sorry for everything, but I want to try and make things work - it’s as simple as that from my perspective

Wow, he rewrote the history of your marriage and now he's trying to rewrite the history of him cheating on you, insulting and blaming you for all his problems, and then leaving you! Just wow! The audacity...

It’s still “I want” not “what do you need from me to be able to work through this”
I think a pp had it right when they said he doesn’t see you as a person, just as the cookie cutter role of his dutiful wife.

That's honestly horrible.

As if you are overcomplicating things, what with your devastation at his unfaithfulness and cruelty.

As if you needed simple truths spelled out to you by a liar.

A lot has happened, and I’m very sorry for everything, but I want to try and make things work - it’s as simple as that from my perspective

Wow, just wow

He has absolutely no remorse at all, it's still all about him isn't it. The more I hear, the more I'm sure that when you get away from this man, you are going to look back & realise that he was never the catch you thought he was. This sort of me, me, me behaviour doesn't just spring up overnight. This is who he is & you deserve so much better. The self centred little shit should be grovelling at your feet & agreeing to anything you say for what he's done. Not this, definitely not this

I think I would eventually reply " actually from your perspective, it's as simple as you despise me, which you told me, multiple times".

He really is thick as shit, completely lacking in any ability to reflect on how he has behaved and expecting you to just forget his words.

He used words to cause maximum damage, maximum hurt.

He had no need to be SO vicious.
He CHOSE to weaponise his words.

I don't believe for a second he thought his marriage to you was going to continue.

He allowed his ego and his nastiness to seep out, and he just couldn't resist the inclination to really cut you deeply.

I am so very sorry OP, I really mean it, but your husband does not love you.

He loves himself and is totally focused on himself.

Do not ever give him the chance to wield the knife to your heart again.

You deserve so much better.

What a selfish knobhead.

You deserve more

“billy1966

I think I would eventually reply " actually from your perspective, it's as simple as you despise me, which you told me, multiple times".

He really is thick as shit, completely lacking in any ability to reflect on how he has behaved and expecting you to just forget his words.

He used words to cause maximum damage, maximum hurt.

He had no need to be SO vicious.
He CHOSE to weaponise his words.

I don't believe for a second he thought his marriage to you was going to continue.

He allowed his ego and his nastiness to seep out, and he just couldn't resist the inclination to really cut you deeply.

I am so very sorry OP, I really mean it, but your husband does not love you.

He loves himself and is totally focused on himself.

Do not ever give him the chance to wield the knife to your heart again.

You deserve so much better.”

This with bells on.

@AB10

This is the kind of message I’m getting: A lot has happened, and I’m very sorry for everything, but I want to try and make things work - it’s as simple as that from my perspective. His thinking is so warped!

“A lot has happened”??!

Goodness. It all just ‘happened’. As if by magical. Nothing to do with him. No cause and effect there. What a tosser! He is taking no responsibility. Bet he still believes it’s all your fault that he was feeling miserable and wanted more fun in his life. The self centred wanker.

And how dare he tell you it’s simple. It’s simple if your feelings don’t matter a joy. It’s simple if you are irrelevant. It’s simple if he just wants to pretend he never said the things he said, or did the things he did.

What he actually means is STFU woman and be grateful I’m willing to be your husband.

He is a horrid, self-centred git.

Time to stop letting him pop in for bedtime stories. Time for you to speak to a solicitor. He needs to start understanding that you aren’t a quiet little mouse who needs the ‘simplicity’ of the situation to be explained to you.

You will be so much better off without this self absorbed tosser as a husband. Am so impressed with your strength. Don’t waver. He was telling you the truth; he doesn’t love you any more and he cannot be trusted.

*jot not joy

@billy1966

I think I would eventually reply " actually from your perspective, it's as simple as you despise me, which you told me, multiple times".

He really is thick as shit, completely lacking in any ability to reflect on how he has behaved and expecting you to just forget his words.

He used words to cause maximum damage, maximum hurt.

He had no need to be SO vicious.
He CHOSE to weaponise his words.

I don't believe for a second he thought his marriage to you was going to continue.

He allowed his ego and his nastiness to seep out, and he just couldn't resist the inclination to really cut you deeply.

I am so very sorry OP, I really mean it, but your husband does not love you.

He loves himself and is totally focused on himself.

Do not ever give him the chance to wield the knife to your heart again.

You deserve so much better.

I also echo this wholeheartedly.

IF there is anything worthwhile in this man, he will understand that HE has a huge amount of work to do to repair the damage done by his cruel words, lies and cheating. He would not expect to walk back into your life and take up his place in the family as if nothing more than a bit of toothpaste lid bickering had taken place. If you see no evidence of solid heartfelt remorse on his part, I guarantee that at best you will be left dealing with this festering wound on your own, unable to move on BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY CAN'T, and at worst he'll do the same all over again.

@AB10

Thank goodness you can see that his reasoning here is warped. It’s so common to see women so desperate to believe what their cheating husbands are saying, that can’t see how wrong what they are saying is.

His logic is flawed and his thinking is warped - and mostly it demonstrates how little he really thinks of you. Has he always been so bloody patronising?!!

Wow he's so patronising, as if you need it all spelled out and 'simplified' for you?! And that message is all still about what HE wants. What about what YOU want? Has he even asked you that? Has he bothered to ask what you would need from him to 'work through it'?

As someone who took their husband back and tried to forgive after a serious break of trust - don't do it. It's my biggest regret. At first he promised the world, he'd do anything to earn my trust back blah blah blah. 2 years down the line, if I dare to feel upset or bring up the tiniest thing from back then, I'm now the one who apparently has an issue. I'm bitter, I cant let things go etc etc. I'm so unhappy, i can never look at him in the same way, I dont even think i love him. I really dislike him as a person and have lost all respect for him. And it's exactly as someone said above - it can work out, but only if the guilty party are prepared to put a LOT of work in. But sadly as I found out, it's very rare that actually happens. If I could go back in time, I would never have taken him back and maybe now I'd be 2 years down the line and happier.

@billy1966

I think I would eventually reply " actually from your perspective, it's as simple as you despise me, which you told me, multiple times".

He really is thick as shit, completely lacking in any ability to reflect on how he has behaved and expecting you to just forget his words.

He used words to cause maximum damage, maximum hurt.

He had no need to be SO vicious.
He CHOSE to weaponise his words.

I don't believe for a second he thought his marriage to you was going to continue.

He allowed his ego and his nastiness to seep out, and he just couldn't resist the inclination to really cut you deeply.

I am so very sorry OP, I really mean it, but your husband does not love you.

He loves himself and is totally focused on himself.

Do not ever give him the chance to wield the knife to your heart again.

You deserve so much better.

All of this.

So sorry, OP. You didn't deserve any of this nightmare

From your perspective he can fuck off.

He's still coming across as only wanting to please himself. No thank you.

So far all he's done is what he wants and isn't asking you what you want. He's selfish af.

This guy sounds like someone who will do it all again in 2-3 years time if allowed back OP. Someone who is only as faithful as his opportunities.

You sound like a lovely person and a dedicated mother. He doesn't deserve you in the slightest

Wow. Just caught up on the whole thread. I wish someone had told me not to take mine back (well they did. I just didn't listen). The damage is too much - in your case he's just spouting platitudes. The insincerity is dripping from his words.

Do what works for you but remember he has shown you who he really is. You'll always hear those spiteful words and no matter how happy you think you are, the doubt will always be there. It's no life. Wishing you snd the wee man a stronger, calmer and emotionally peaceful 2022.