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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

999 replies

AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:23

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Abigail12345654321 · 05/01/2022 06:30

@AB10

Thanks everyone. Husband still professing that they only kissed although I found a condom in his wallet. Does he have no morals? Honestly, this is not the man I married.
At least you know now Op.

Really, stop letting him into your home. Time to formalise your separation and organise proper contact arrangements away from the house. In the long run that will be less confusing for your child.

2DogsOnMySofa · 05/01/2022 08:07

My now exdh said his emotional affair was just that, emotional and they the only physical contact they'd had was 2 kisses. I believed him and tried to make the relationship work for a further 3 years. However on a night out with some of 'our' friends he spoke about his 'bit on the side' he's shagged a few years ago. Of course it got back to me, turned out he'd slept with her a number of times.

My exdh would only ever admit to what I could prove. After three years it was over for me, I'd felt cheated on all over again

Jengnr · 05/01/2022 08:09

@AB10

Hi everyone. Just our little boy to bed and he’s very excited about Santa coming. I know - it’s such a difficult time to bear. The affair was physical with just kissing. (I have asked very plainly whether there was anything else.) Husband says he wants to rebuild my trust. That is hasn’t felt connected to me in a long time but now he does. He is looking at me so differently than before. But none of this changes the sheer heartbreak and agony that he has meted out to our family. 💔
This is the message that really jumped out at me. He says he’s looking at you differently than he did before….doesn’t he think that, as a result of his actions you might be looking at him differently too? And not liking the pathetic, spineless creature you’re now seeing.

You didn’t change. He did. And now he’s facing the consequences of his actions he’s realising that actually you’re pretty damn great. He tried to put you down and have you scrabbling around to attend to his every need whilst he was off with OW but you wouldn’t put up with that shit. You’re doing really well OP. Keep your head up. xx

HelenGraham2121 · 05/01/2022 11:43

He says he’s looking at you differently than he did before….doesn’t he think that, as a result of his actions you might be looking at him differently too?

But he's the only real person in the world, and the only one who matters!!

On the main thread topic; he was unlikely to have walked out for someone he'd only shared a couple of kisses with.

I'd also be wary about what the state of things is between he and ow now she's (involuntarily) single.

poetryandwine · 05/01/2022 13:12

OP,

When I was in your shoes with my ex it mattered to me very much whether he had slept with the OW, so if you are still wondering you have my great sympathy.

But from an external perspective, at this point it hardly matters. Your H has proven to be capable of great cruelty and attempted manipulation. Lying about the condom would be just one more piece of this puzzle.

Unless he has changed quite recently, he has proven incapable of seeing you as a person in your own right (‘I’m seeing you in a new light’ hardly cuts it), apologising for the great hurts he has inflicted or even taking responsibility for his own actions. Again, you and your DS deserve better. Please don’t keep giving this sorry excuse for a man further chances to pressure you and attempt to manipulate you.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/01/2022 13:25

@AB10

Thanks everyone. Husband still professing that they only kissed although I found a condom in his wallet. Does he have no morals? Honestly, this is not the man I married.
Surely the husband of the ow is not falling for that old chestnut. Have you spoken to the ow's husband about what exactly they got up to?
billy1966 · 05/01/2022 13:34

I would be using his words back to him.

"I too see you in a very different light. I see you as a cheater and someone who has told me he despises me, repeatedly. I definitely see you too, in a very different light".

He sounds like a very self absorbed man with an ego and a huge superiority complex.

I repeat, I don't think for a second he thought his marriage to was anything but over when he deliberately chose to describe how he despised you.

It's such a particular word.

I would describe myself as a bit cranky, difficult, intolerant at times over my long life.

I can't really think of people that I despise though.

Such a deliberately humiliating word to use to someone.

To say it to a spouse is a complete deal breaker.

Completely unforgettable and unforgivable.

Original poster
AB10 · 05/01/2022 16:46

His true colours are already showing through again. I allowed him to come between half four and half six this evening for bedtime, in the family home. Because I said that I didn’t want to talk it through any further, he says that he’s had to put up with this attitude for years etc. He actually refuses to see beyond himself. He hasn’t told ANY of our mutual friends, his friends etc. When I ask, he just keeps pushing it off. Surer if our relationship was so bad that I pushed him to cheat, our and his friends would be aware of how unhappy he was?!

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 05/01/2022 16:51

He's not telling anyone because he is hoping you will sweep it under the carpet. Then he will get away with 'we had a quiet Christmas'.

OP I don't know why you are still letting him in. You aren't giving yourself a break and he is maximising his opportunities to manage you. Are you not tired of it yet?

You have been so strong but surly you need a rest from this? You don't have to put on a brave face or keep everyone happy. IIWY I would tell everyone even if you do decide to make another go if it. In fact it would be a minimum requirement from me. He NEEDS to take responsibility for what he has done. Otherwise I mean why wouldn't he just do it again? Thanks

Original poster
AB10 · 05/01/2022 16:53

I was letting him in because I feel that our son being at home on a wintery evening is best for him but of course that does lead to me having to see him and to listen to his lies…

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 05/01/2022 16:55

@AB10

I was letting him in because I feel that our son being at home on a wintery evening is best for him but of course that does lead to me having to see him and to listen to his lies…
No harm as awful as that sounds at least you're seeing that he hasn't changed at all and thinks a few cheap words can un-do everything he's done to you
Sidehustle99 · 05/01/2022 16:59

I mean this very kindly - you really need to put yourself first for a bit. Your DC and you deserve a bit of peace and quite. DC won't be happy for long if DM is always sad and emotionally wrung out from DH's antics.

Also you need to manage DH's expectations for contact in the future. Are you happy to parent like this longer term. If he's there everyday you don't get a break. If you move to a couple of nights a week (or what ever plan you want) you could do something with your time.

The way it is now he has you hostage all the time. You cant go out or even have a cuppa with your friends. Imagine what you could do with off duty time? Is there any reason why DC can't stay at PIL sometimes? He might even like it Thanks

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 05/01/2022 17:02

he says that he’s had to put up with this attitude for years etc.

Fucking hell, just twat the bastard!

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 05/01/2022 17:11

I also cant understand why you’re still letting him in your house night after night. Surely he can take your child to where he’s staying?

Original poster
AB10 · 05/01/2022 17:14

I agreed to let him see DS three times a week. I suppose I was letting the transition be as smooth for our son rather than him going to a strange place (husband is staying in his sister's apartment which isn’t overly homely). But yes, it is not ideal but none of this is.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/01/2022 17:17

I was letting him in because I feel that our son being at home on a wintery evening is best for him but of course that does lead to me having to see him and to listen to his lies

Apart from the "letting him in" - probably inadvisable in itself - why does that mean you have to listen to him, or even see him except very briefly?

Presumably he's capable of coping with bedtime all by himself, so what's to stop you staying well apart and just saying a quick goodbye when he's finished?

Original poster
AB10 · 05/01/2022 17:18

I don’t. I am going to go to a spin class soon. Thanks for the support, everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
AB10 · 05/01/2022 17:23

And I suppose on some really sad level, I am still grieving our family and the loss of my husband. Sad, I know!

OP posts:
Abigail12345654321 · 05/01/2022 17:27

Not sad. Entirely understandable.

But many men wheedle their way back in and then their wives waste more years on them, only to have them bugger off later when the next better offer comes along. Stay strong. He can’t keep doing bedtime in your house. Maybe time to change the rules if you are going to formally separate. Just because you agreed to three visits a week as an interim plan that doesn’t mean you are committed to that forever.

ProudThrilledHappy · 05/01/2022 17:28

This must be tough for you trying to balance the needs of your son against your need for space. I think you may have to give him an ultimatum, saying either he stops pressuring you or he has contact elsewhere. Then the decision is no longer in your hands, he decides with his behaviour.

I would say though that right now you are setting a routine that your DC will expect to continue if it goes on for long. If you do decide to finalise your separation then your DC will be confused why Dad isn’t still coming round. It may be best to get him used to only seeing Dad outside of the home as soon as possible

Sidehustle99 · 05/01/2022 17:36

@AB10

And I suppose on some really sad level, I am still grieving our family and the loss of my husband. Sad, I know!
Totally understandable that's why I think you need a break from it OP ThanksThanksThanks
Loudestcat14 · 05/01/2022 17:56

@AB10

His true colours are already showing through again. I allowed him to come between half four and half six this evening for bedtime, in the family home. Because I said that I didn’t want to talk it through any further, he says that he’s had to put up with this attitude for years etc. He actually refuses to see beyond himself. He hasn’t told ANY of our mutual friends, his friends etc. When I ask, he just keeps pushing it off. Surer if our relationship was so bad that I pushed him to cheat, our and his friends would be aware of how unhappy he was?!
He's STILL blaming you for all this. What a prize of a man he is. Stay strong, OP, and enjoy the spin class! Self-care is what you need right now.
JollyHolly30 · 05/01/2022 18:28

You have been so much stronger than I ever have in this situation, and I don't even have children. I'm so impressed.

StellaGibson118 · 05/01/2022 18:55

It's not sad at all, it's a huge change. Plus there's the betrayal element and the wondering if your memories are real if he was actually unhappy underneath it all. It's a lot to reckon with. Do you have a friend to talk to? I know your family know, but families can be a bit rubbish on this sort of thing and end up just saying they think you should do whatever is convenient for them. Usually staying together Hmm

He just seems to continue to blame you for what he's done wrong when you're not beating to his tune. He won't allow himself to be accountable or to be fully honest about the affair. I hope when you're ready for your proper angry stage that you kick him into next week!

You're really strong you know. You might not feel it but I can tell from how you've dealt with things. Flowers

billy1966 · 05/01/2022 19:02

Start telling mutual friends OP, it will help you.

Him taking the baby to his sisters is a better idea.

You need space from his bullshit and a break.

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