Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP don't fall for those crocodile tears, these liars only see their own feelings no one else's. I was cheated on, he caused such heartbreak inmine and our my dds lives. I had him back for a few months.Nothing really changed in his behaviour.

What did change was me - I grew some boundaries, some self respect and love for myself and I threw him back in the slimy pond. He's now shown his true colours, is very nasty dragging me through court.He sadly lost the OW too as he had lied to her. It's like having a blindfold removed- now I can see clearly and I wished I did it years ago.

OP,

I had forgotten that some in your family had been urging you to reconsider. Obviously anyone you might ask to stay with your DS in the plan I suggested above should be 100% supportive of you.

He made you feel like you failed as a wife.
He told you he was never happy, even if you'd had happy times.
He said you treated him with scorn, never appreciated you, and that he despised you.
He said he wasn't in love with you.
He was fucking another woman behind your back and trying to rewrite your marital history to make you the one at fault.

You are not responsible for your family breaking up. This is 100% on him and his desire to have his ego stroked overriding any decency he might have had. He has treated you utterly appallingly and he does not get to blame you for this.

My contribution to you, you strong, amazing mum, is to tell this manipulative douche bag to FUCK RIGHT OFF.

How dare he treat you like this.

How dare he trample all over your feelings like his are more important.

Don't let him in the bloody door.

He knows that you would do anything for your son, and he is using that to try and get what he wants. He can fuck RIGHT OFF.

Stay strong.

Put yourself first.

He caused all of this.

You did nothing wrong.

He wasn’t struggling when he packed his suitcase in front of his child and walked out. Don’t fall for his bs now, he’s absolutely using your child to get to you as he knows they are your priority.

You don’t have to sacrifice your comfort to secure his, this is all his own doing

Men are very focussed and driven when they want something though, the texts she was getting are now directed at you so you’ll stay.

It’s very manipulative behaviour designed to keep his pension pot intact.

I know two women who stayed, both got left a couple of years later for older women with houses paid off.

Society’s never liked women leaving cheating husbands, but it’s ok for men to leave without a backwards glance.

He didn't need to be cruel to you, he chose to. That's worse than the actual affair in my book.

If you take him back that cruelty will surface again one day.

Regarding boundaries, he will text/ overstay when in the house. Because he is saying that he wants to try again, I now feel that I’m breaking up our family which, I know, is not true but all the same it’s just a horrible thing to experience.

The reason you’re feeling this way is because he’s continuing to get what HE wants. He’s suffocating you and he’s calling the shots. @poetryandwine is right, these contact arrangements with your son seem to have evolved from the desires of your husband?

He still sees you FOUR times a week where he overstays, applies pressure and guilts you into staying with him. He’s still visiting your son in the house (which should be your private space right now) and he’s still texting you a torrent of daily bullshit.

Until you put a firm and final stop to this, you won’t get the space you need to process anything and think about your next steps clearly.

If possible, your husband should be picking up your little boy and taking him elsewhere to give you space/child free time. He shouldn’t be waltzing into the home four times a week to play happy families/berate you/cry/guilt trip you/plead/whinge/whimper.

Alternatively, take yourself away when he’s in the house and have a trusted family member or friend to facilitate contact with your son.

And echoing the above posters, go and see a solicitor. At least make an appointment? You need expert advice right now and it will honestly do you the world of good.

Just keep reminding yourself OP

You arent obliged to forgive a chat (who only confessed when he got caught out and the OW didnt want him?)
You arent obliged to allow him to come and go when he pleases and have access to you in order to try and manipulate you
You arent obliged to forgive the awful things he said to you whilst he was floating on his romantic cloud with the OW.
No one is obliged to stay in any relationship that isnt working - and yours isnt because he has no respect for you and cheated on you.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but he's behaving exactly as a lot of us expected, its now your fault your family is broken up because after all, he's just the poor guy who wants to try again and you're the one who wont let him. He's not interested in your feelings, that you probably feel very broken right now, and like you dont know whats real and whats not. That is certainly how i felt, and the only way you will get your head straight about what you want is with some space from him.

Make him take your child out for contact, lock the door, put the keys in, make him knock and then dont let him over the threshold. If he starts getting annoyed, tell him you'll call the police. Otherwise he's going to keep going until you break and let him back in, and that will start a whole other world of hell for you if you cant forgive (quite rightly IMO) because he'll make that your fault too.

@PorpoiseWithPurpose is blunter than me but she is correct, just above. Your house should be a haven for you snd your LB right now. Your H doesn’t get to play Happy Families.

Might you want to consider some counselling? For you alone - I don't mean marriage counselling. Although this is a depressingly normal
thing for people to go through it's an enormous head fuck.

Ugh my ex did this. The couldn't cope with not seeing them, doing the sad face when he saw them around me, not shaving (he did this many times in a calculated way to make me feel sorry for him along with a suicide attempt that involved scratching his arm at surface level and sending me a pic). He was overstepping boundaries left right and centre such as still having a key to my home, manipulating the children into wanting him to put them to bed which I allowed for a while and seeing them 5 days out of 7.

He was around all the time and hoping to worm his way back in. In my confusion I just let it happen but after a few weeks, maybe a month, I asked for my key back and reduced the contact to a more normal level and it was strictly not allowed in my house.

Agree with others that hes using the children as a way to get you to stay together. I'm annoyed other family members are saying you should just let it slide too. If they would do the same then more fool them. You think this isnt going to happen again OP? You think you can live with him for the rest of time and not be paranoid where he is?

Also be aware that the minute he realises you aren't getting back together he will become that unpleasant person again.

I agree with @StellaGibson118

He’s on his best behaviour right now. But underneath, the vile bastard who walked away without giving a damn still lurks and he will be back.

Look after yourself Op.

I hate to say it...but that horrible man is still there, hidden at the moment, but don't think for one minute he won't reappear once he realizes he isn't getting his own way.
My first husband did this. Nice as pie when he wasn't quite sure what he wanted. When I told him I couldn't carry on all hell broke loose. I left with virtually nothing. He later admitted that he treated me appallingly. Be on your guard would be my advice. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear.

Be prepared with a two word answer to him 'you cheated' 'but you did this, I was feeling this, it wasn't all my fault'
Response: 'you cheated'.
Response to family 'he cheated' ad nauseum....

If it helps you to maintain focus, write everything down that you've said here.
Make a note of some of the predicted behaviours and responses expected from him. Go through the posts here and pick things out to help you summarise. Stay focused and maintain your resolve.
You will come out the other side better for this.

Remember he despises you.

Rember how comfortable he felt telling you that repeatedly.

Once he knows that he isn't going to get his way, watch how he really shows you how much he really despises you.

I agree with @disconnected101, keep repeating "you cheated".

On a loop.

Watch how that will drive him bonkers.

Pricks like him, hate being reminded of THEIR bad behaviour....."you cheated" on a loop will help you get to the heart of his ugliness.

Hi everyone. Thanks for thinking of me and offering support.
I went back to work today which was difficult but also helpful in equal measure.
DS and I are coping. We are getting up every day and in all respects his life is remaining stable. I think that’s something my husband can’t deal with. It really is all about him and his happiness.

My colleague, whose dh of nearly 25y went off with her best friend (who lived next door to them) always said that. He expected her to fall apart but she didn’t. Her family supported her and they got through it.

Apparently her dad never liked him anyway.

Congratulations @AB10 👏👏👏

Back to work is a brilliant step.

A part of your life that is normal and reliable, reminding you you're independent, respected, earning your own money.

An area completely separate from your H, with friends and colleagues who know you as you.

All best to you

I have absolutely no doubt you are well able to get through this.

Well able.

The nextvmove is for any contact time to be away from the house.

I hope you are planning on seeing a solicitor soon.

Op you are a super star! Doing it for you and your son. Your dignity and strength is an inspiration.

Thanks everyone. Husband still professing that they only kissed although I found a condom in his wallet. Does he have no morals? Honestly, this is not the man I married.

No morals and no integrity.

You're so impressive, OP!