Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Here's a new Script for you:

'You have shown me exactly who you are.

You have given me a clear picture of who you will always be.

You have told me exactly what you think of me and our marriage in the most insulting, dismissive, destructive, scornful terms.

You have lied to me.

You have destroyed two families by screwing a married woman and devastated her husband and children, as well as us.

You have deserted and abandoned me and my child for another woman.

And even she does not want you now.

Neither do I.

I have more self respect than to take you back.'

All the very best for 2022.

@AB10

This is the kind of message I’m getting: A lot has happened, and I’m very sorry for everything, but I want to try and make things work - it’s as simple as that from my perspective. His thinking is so warped!

Reply: ‘When someone you’ve been married to for x years is fucking someone else, turns around and tells you they despise you, and walks out not only on their wife but their young child, then the best thing you can do is write them as much out of your life as possible, save for necessary coparenting because they are obviously an enormously self centred callous arsehole of an excuse for a husband. It’s as simple as that really.’

@IWannaQuitTheGym As someone who took their husband back and tried to forgive after a serious break of trust - don't do it. It's my biggest regret. At first he promised the world, he'd do anything to earn my trust back blah blah blah. 2 years down the line, if I dare to feel upset or bring up the tiniest thing from back then, I'm now the one who apparently has an issue. I'm bitter, I cant let things go etc etc. I'm so unhappy, i can never look at him in the same way, I dont even think i love him

This was me too, I managed another 3 years before I left.

He is just hideous. I pray you can stay strong and away from him because he's doing his very best to manipulate you at the minute. His message just seems like a look I've said sorry let's move on now and forget about it.
On what planet does he think that's ok? It's a total lack of respect and also telling of what he thinks of you. You're not a doormat!

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

This was me too, I managed another 3 years before I left

Were you happier for it straight away? I had such a miserable New Years Eve last night thinking about how unhappy I'd been all year and dreading another year of it. But that stupid fear that I'll regret it (and worrying about turning the kids lives upside down) keeps holding me back. Deep down I think I'll be happier though.

Sorry OP didnt mean to get sidetracked from your post. You are doing so well, no doubt he'll be in charming mode at the moment and promising you everything. Try not to be bullied into a decision by your family either, it's not them that have to live in your situation every day.

I think I'd send back,

'I'm sure it is as simple as that, from your perspective. From my perspective, my husband told me he despises me, he also lied and cheated on me, slept with another woman, lied about it and broke his marriage vows in a spectacular fashion. He then chose to leave me, and his dc in one of the most cruel ways possible. You chose to use words and actions to cause as much hurt, not only to me, but your child too. So from my perspective, as I'm sure you can appreciate, I don't know if you being 'sorry' is enough, so no, it's NOT simple at all.

@IWannaQuitTheGym yes absolutely I was... I kept expecting the grief to hit, for the tears to start, the regrets and sadness to come, but it never did.. I wish I'd left years ago, I wasted so much time trying to make it work

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

I think I'd send back,

'I'm sure it is as simple as that, from your perspective. From my perspective, my husband told me he despises me, he also lied and cheated on me, slept with another woman, lied about it and broke his marriage vows in a spectacular fashion. He then chose to leave me, and his dc in one of the most cruel ways possible. You chose to use words and actions to cause as much hurt, not only to me, but your child too. So from my perspective, as I'm sure you can appreciate, I don't know if you being 'sorry' is enough, so no, it's NOT simple at all.

I think this is great save that after "lied about it and broke his marriage vows in a spectacular fashion." Add that he blamed you for his shortcomings.

OP this will have been an awful Christmas and New Year for you but the good news is you have got through them. Now you have a full year to drive your life forward.
Make a promise to yourself that next Christmas you will be able to look back on the year and see how far you've come. I can sense how strong you are and you will make yourself proud.

Thanks @GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow that sort of gives me hope in a way. I keep thinking maybe this should be my year to finally make a change and stop living like this and hoping it'll somehow get better. Well done to you for being brave enough to make that change, and I hope this helps the OP too

Remember this Christmas and the hurt that he doled out to you.

Protect yourself from future hurt and do not allow yourself to be vunerable with him again.

He is not a man to entrust with your heart.

[quote GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow]**@IWannaQuitTheGym* As someone who took their husband back and tried to forgive after a serious break of trust - don't do it. It's my biggest regret. At first he promised the world, he'd do anything to earn my trust back blah blah blah. 2 years down the line, if I dare to feel upset or bring up the tiniest thing from back then, I'm now the one who apparently has an issue. I'm bitter, I cant let things go etc etc. I'm so unhappy, i can never look at him in the same way, I dont even think i love him*

This was me too, I managed another 3 years before I left. [/quote]
Same here. The 'I'll do anything to prove I've changed' lasts about 5 minutes and when you can't 'just get over it' the mask slips and you realise he still despises you.

Ops husband hasn’t even said that. After everything all he can manage is to want to “try” and make it work. Such lukewarm sentiment when compared with “despising” her when he thought he was setting himself up for a new life with ow.

Op you can do better than this, much better!

@IWannaQuitTheGym I'm also someone who gave their cheating husband a second chance. Your words echoed with me, because the behaviour you describe in making you the bad guy for the next couple of years was what I experienced, and he became seriously emotionally abusive. He revelled in it. He watched me cry and said he felt nothing and it was all due to my paranoia - it wasnt paranoia at all - he went on to cheat again. And blamed me for not trusting him, like he couldnt help himself. Then acted like the OP's husband is doing now - all outraged that I could think for myself and decide I no longer wanted him in my life.
I'm 3.5 years free now thank fully

@AB10 unfortunately there are lots of us whove walked this path and can empathise with the way you're feeling and also with how he is behaving. He's still only thinking of himself, minimising what he's done.

You deserve better xx

Have you booked a solicitors appointment, @AB10? Just to talk through the options?

I also would be stopping nightly bedtime visits. Surely he’s cornering you at those times and hounding/pressuring you further still?

Are you replying to his pity-me text messages? If so, stop. I also agree that you need to block him and just have an agreed time that he sees his son.

The more you hear from him, the more confused you’re becoming. You’re not processing the shock of this situation, because he has given you no time to.

You REALLY need to start acting in your own self-interest. Don’t listen to what he wants, or what your family wants.

Envisage your life 3 years from now, free from all of this agony. A blissful life with your little boy.

It’s time to start putting one foot in front of the other and being practical.

It just 'happened' op! It's as simple as that! You should just move on now and let him have what he wants.

My goodness it never fails to amaze me how some people manage to justify their behaviour.

Stay strong

Thanks everyone for all your advice and support. I know I keep saying this but I really do mean it. Your thoughts and support are holding me up through a very challenging time. X

Regarding practicalities - I haven’t contacted a solicitor yet. I am in my home with my son. I suppose I haven’t allowed myself to think that far ahead. I think I am in survival mode, really which hasn’t been nice at all.
Husband has said and done so many horrible things that tbh I’m not sure I’ll ever process them.
Of course, I want my family back. I want my son to have his father living at home. But none of that takes away from the fact that the man I trusted to protect us has done the blatant opposite.

OP,

I hope you are doing just a bit better. You said recently that you’ve agreed a contact schedule. I’m wondering whether your H is still whinging and trying to guilt you or whether he is doing a better job of respecting your boundaries? As always, we don’t need an answer.

If he is still whinging or guilting you, it is no more than a necessary act of self protection to reconsider the contact arrangements. You sound like a wonderful mum but your beloved LB does not need your stress and, as always, you deserve better. You might consider giving your H one warning to stop pestering you and that if he does not you will be (fill in first consequence). Ordinarily I despise the idea of using a child as a pawn but these arrangements seem to have evolved from the desires of your H. You still seem to be doing the work.

I had initially said that husband could see our DS three times a week and once on a weekend. He is really struggling with not being there with him and of course we are too with our family being separated. But what is the alternative? I can’t just allow him to act in such a callous way and believe that our family was worth so little and now he can’t cope?
Regarding boundaries, he will text/ overstay when in the house. Because he is saying that he wants to try again, I now feel that I’m breaking up our family which, I know, is not true but all the same it’s just a horrible thing to experience.

For what it’s worth, I don’t believe he is struggling not seeing your son every day. I believe he is using that as emotional power to break your resolve. You are not breaking up your family - you know that. Your family is already broken, which he did.

You aren't breaking up your family.

He already broke it.

And the ow's family, too.

He is not who you thought he was.

He has shown you who he is.

Time to consult a solicitor for professional help and advice from an expert.

It's his fault.
He broke up his family when he was shagging the ow.
And now he's lying about that too.

Does your family and his family know that he was shagging an ow?

I wonder if this would help? The Kubler Ross Change Curve sets out the stages we go through when faced with an awful shock like this, or a bereavement etc.

It's a process that takes - and needs - time and space to journey through.

It's a difficult journey - I've used it to help people through shock redundancy announcements.

It might be useful to see how the rollercoaster is a common experience that has stages, and we do come through them.

www.ekrfoundation.org/5-stages-of-grief/change-curve/

Agreed that it is genuinely horrible, but never forget who caused it and that is your H. No one else. Now he is struggling with the consequences of his own actions and he still isn’t respecting your boundaries. That is awful.

Can you disengage? For example, with or without a warning could you have your mum or your DSis there next time he comes (or the time after if you want to give him one more chance)? Perhaps you could treat yourself to a film or something. And play it up for your dear LB as a treat of an evening with Granny. Don’t return until H is gone.

This is the kindest first step I can think of. Then be home for the next visit if you like. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, repeat and if necessary escalate. I am sure this can be done in a way that honours your LB.
I do know it is difficult and again, you have my admiration.