I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

[Maybeknights]

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

• The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
• the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
• I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
• she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
• he can’t book any time off work
• he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
• he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

The 'top level army/spy' shtick is actually quite common. I remember a whole thread on here of women who had dated men who had all fed them this same nonsense.

It's usually a ruse to hide a wife/family ('I couldn't answer the phone because we were in the middle of a top secret mission') and/or they are a narc/fantasist.

Not good.

Yeah he's full of shit.

^

This.

Have YOU met him? Seen him?

If your friend is desperate to be coupled up, is it possible that she has made him up? A bit far fetched perhaps, but I have a friend who used to be like this.

If not, then yes, he’s clearly not what he says he is.

Oh dear there is a car crash waiting to happen. Your friend is lucky to have you, as someone looking out for her.

Something about it seems really off, and I think it's your friends vulnerability. I really hope she sees sense and doesn't get manipulated by him.

Tie Rack

😂😂

@FrankiesCheeseTruckle

Ask the Walter Mitty Hunters Club on FB. They'll know if he's serving or ex military..... Plenty have been outed on there for being complete walts.

This - it sounds like he's a complete walt.

He just 'resigned' from the Army? Right...

The ONLY excuse in that whole, sorry long list that might actually be valid was "can't book days off from work." The military is often like that...invariably, in my experience. They want you when they want you, and your private life means very little to them.

I'm betting that he's married, or in a long-term relationship. IF you know his name, you can do searches. If NOTHING comes up, other than that dating app, I'd wonder if she even knows his real name. That alone would be enough to sent me running.

@Blinky21

He just 'resigned' from the Army? Right...

Yeah, I thought you had to sign up for x amount of years. So you couldn’t just resign. I think you might be able to buy your way out though, like some kind of early redemption fee 🤣

@Maybeknights long shot but his initials aren't JK are they?

You’re bang on the money. Can you search him on fb or Instagram and gather evidence?

There’s a possibility that he could work for Mi6 maybe? I know of someone who possibly does, no one really knows, he leads a pretty compartmentalised life….Most likely married though.

Oh hes a Walter mitty! There's a facebook page and they love to hear about anyone impersonating as military personnel!

Or he could be in the forces but has a missus so doesn't want to get caught.

apologies if this has already been said, but have you tried reverse searching his dating profile photo?

There’s a possibility that he could work for Mi6 maybe? I know of someone who possibly does, no one really knows, he leads a pretty compartmentalised life….Most likely married though.

Nope, I've explained why above. What this guy's saying isn't logical or internally consistent. It really isn't like the films/TV make it sound.

I have a friend who was cat fished by two millions on a dating site . The time and effort they put in was amazing and dispite being very intelligent my friend fell for it hard both times one after another. I still suspect she thinks they might have been genuine.

All you can do is voice your concerns but ultimately if she wont listen theres not much you do except be very blunt if it comes down to be being seriously stung.

Its painful to watch. I think my friend was so drawn into the BS life she was promised that she thought it was worth the risks.

With a probable false name, the only real option is to follow him but how will you know when he’s there, if it’s sporadic?

Yep, like a couple of other posters, my first thought was that she’s made all of this up. I bet he’s not real.

Follow him.

If you don’t have time, maybe a PI?

Sounds like a plot for a potential novel. What other films or books have we read or seen that seem familiar?

Wow @Maybeknights , as a PP said, this reminds me of the case of Robert Hendy-Freegard. He tricked several people into believing various things and living very frightening, bizarre, and controlled lives. Try and get your friend to watch the documentary. www.dailymotion.com/video/x6peqsl A film is apparently going to be made soon, too.

Have you told her about your concerns? All you can do is keep encouraging her to question maybe, and to try and keep her own life and to look after her MH.

@PoshPyjamas

We are definitely all up for you following him 😀

100 % what a good friend would do. Do not under any circumstances let it "run its course" as your friend will have wasted her to on him and end up heartbroken. Be a good interfering friend! and tell us what you dig up! 🙏

Yeah, I'd engage in some James Bond style espionage of my own and look into him.

Of course, there's always the chance that your friend won't thank you for exposing his lies. Is she quite naïve, or is there a chance she actually knows he's dodgy and is choosing to ignore it?

Easy. Put a tracker on his car - perfectly legal in UK so long as it’s on and not in the vehicle - you can’t break into it! Find out where he’s going, join the dots. Wave goodbye to the friendship.

Ok a good starting point:

--think about everything, absolutely everything you know about him and write it all up onto a large piece of paper, fill in as many of the blanks as possible by asking your friend casually
--do you know his date of birth
--do you know his full name? if not get his middle name out of your friend casually
--if at all possible try to take his number off your friend's phone
--specifics of his army career
--any details about where he was born, grew up, went to school
--any details of his family: possible lies about his own name but then truthful use of family details
--am I right that he doesn't claim to own any properties?
--companies house has a lot of records for any business owners, all available online
--does his drive and does he have a car? get the registration
--follow him subtly from her house to see his address
--if you can get to meet him do, any details you can get such as where he banks, if he lived overseas, if he pays for something and you see his name confirmed on a card, etc
--any way possible to get your friend and him on a weekend away in e.g. Ireland so passports or ID need to be used? or try to think of anything that might force him to show ID...

do you have the one photo of him? if not ask your friend to send it to you. reverse search it onlineif you look online there are guides to how to do this and different applications
--phone number: dodgy sites will show you name and postcode associated with it
--if you see him go into any address: land registry it, also check companies house (if it might be a freehold company)
--look on an ancestry website to try to locate his birth records, also check for any marriage etc records
--deep dive Facebook, LinkedIn, twitter, instagram, google etc with his name and use "around." also try using JUST his first name and some details about him e.g. "James" "Lancashire regiment" in case you get results but a different surname
--make a Clare's Law request
--search through dating sites with a profile that sets your criteria tightly so that it's likely to pick him up
--check out his car registration records
--what base does he say he lives on? It must be fairly easy to establish if he goes in there, even by just following him. Could you send a package or item of post there with his name and a return address (not your own!) so if they don't have someone by the name they might bounce it back?
--search through any social media etc that part of the army has to see if his image is anywhere

Honestly though if you really really love her and there is any possibility at all I would hire a private investigator, you could get all this and more for a few hundred