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Original poster

I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

548 replies

Maybeknights · 14/12/2021 20:34

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

  • The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
  • the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
  • I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
  • she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
  • he can’t book any time off work
  • he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
  • he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

OP posts:
Glindaswand · 14/12/2021 20:43

That sounds dodgy as hell!

Very difficult, I think you need to give one good attempt at sitting her down and trying to make her see what you see. If she won’t listen it’s a case of being there for her when it does click.

Failing that contact his ‘sister’ to arrange a surprise Christmas get together 🤣

supercali77 · 14/12/2021 20:45

Its red flag central. Im not sure i could let it go by without talking to her. Do you know his name? I'd probably also search for him on SM. Its not technically stalking if its public info, and anyway....due diligence. I once searched someone a friend at the time was seeing. He had a wife. Friend couldn't see that because he preemptively blocked her. Clever.

CrappyXmasMarket · 14/12/2021 20:46

Is there any way you could speak to the dodgy bloke? Corner him somehow without your friend knowing.

It's obviously all a lie. he's either married or a con-artist, maybe both!

Spudina · 14/12/2021 20:50

Wow OP he’s dodgy as fuck!! But as to what you do about it, its difficult. Could you try and force a meeting (double date or something?) Tell her that you would love to meet him. What happens then will tell you a lot about him the lengths he will go to to escape detection. Or simply sit her down and tell her your worries??

FictionalCharacter · 14/12/2021 20:50

There was a thread about a James-Bond-esque army impersonator a while back, maybe a few weeks. Sounds very familiar.

TooWicked · 14/12/2021 20:50

Honestly, if this was a very good friend of mine and I was as worried as you seem to be, I'd stake out her flat and follow him home to where he lives with his wife and children one evening after he's visited and then take it from there.

OhLookMoreShit · 14/12/2021 20:51

Yeah he's full of shit. I'd be honest about your concerns but gentle. She'll probably not take it well though by the sound of things.

Steelesauce · 14/12/2021 20:51

Social media and Google search him. I'd keep my mouth shut but listen carefully. Just be there for her when this goes south and keep her skeptical without direct criticism.

Steelesauce · 14/12/2021 20:53

Then again, my boss relays stories her husband tells her about his 12 months in the army (national guard and para apparently Hmm) and we all sit there nodding knowing he's telling her bull. How she can listen to bullshit for 30 years and not click on, I'll never know.

spotcheck · 14/12/2021 20:55

Your poor poor friend. She must be in such a bad place if she believes his crap.

sjxoxo · 14/12/2021 20:55

I have someone in my close circle who has a military role requiring extreme discretion and secrecy. Even then they are in a public relationship and none of the above flags for your post. Does he have social media? You need to do some snooping. Can you look on electoral register etc and try & find out some more history. My first thought was maybe he has a dodgy past or is married etc. Not normal set up in any case! X

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/12/2021 20:57

There was a thread about a James-Bond-esque army impersonator a while back, maybe a few weeks. Sounds very familiar

I remember that one too, it was her brother in the other one wasn't it?

I don't think she will listen even if you have in writing he's a liar. She sounds desperate to be 'coupled'.

AndTime · 14/12/2021 20:57

I'd guess at married, it seems glaringly obvious. Are you sure you friend doesn't already know and is just not telling you.

exexpat · 14/12/2021 20:58

He is clearly a) married to his 'sister', and b) not in the army - he probably does something really mundane, and this is all a classic conman/romance fraud scenario (so many SAS heroes out there!), but sadly even quite intelligent people can get caught up in these things.

If you say directly to her that you think he's fake, she will probably shoot the messenger, so maybe just ask a few pointed questions or make comments every now and again about how odd it is that (whatever). You could try to do some research, but he has almost certainly given her a false name. Or possibly try to follow him home, like a PP suggested.

You probably don't need to worry about her actually marrying him, unless he is up for bigamy, but if she starts talking about giving/lending him money or putting his name on the deeds to her flat or anything complicated to do with buying a new property together and needing to temporarily transfer the money to his account, then contact the police ASAP.

PatchworkElmer · 14/12/2021 20:59

Someone I know had pretty much the same scenario. It was a shock to nobody that he was married.

KirkstallAbbess · 14/12/2021 20:59

OMG my friend had one of these about twenty five years ago - he also had top military job which was clearly bullshit and a niece and nephew living locally.

I had to wait for it to burn itself out, she believed everything he said despite being a really capable and intelligent woman. It was hard to watch.

GaiusHelenMohiam · 14/12/2021 20:59

I have a relative who was taken in by one of these. She’s highly intelligent but was perhaps a bit needy and too willing to overlook the glaring red flags.

He was buying them a million pound house, he even took her and her kids to view it. Had a super secret army job. The house got held up because his ‘accounts got hacked’.

Eventually he ghosted her.

I think these scams are more common than we’d think, and can happen to even the most unlikely women if the circumstances are right.

I agree with advice to do some digging of your own, but be prepared for her to dig her heels in (my cousin did).

LightSpeeds · 14/12/2021 20:59

The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched

I've heard stories like this before about men on OLD sites... Scammers, liars, possibly already married with a family (or more than one).

Like you, I'm 99% sure he isn't genuine and she sounds vulnerable and desperate enough to be fooled completely by it.

I'm not sure there's anything much you can do other than stand by her when/if it all goes wrong...

Is there any way you can find out more about him?? (Although she probably wouldn't thank you, initially, for outing him.)

Youhaveagoodnight · 14/12/2021 21:00

This is basically a weekly feature of take a break etc, so very common. I'm sure there are even websites where people tell their stories and get support and lots of autobiographical books by people this has happened to. If she believes him, she must really want to. So, while I agree with you that he's dodgy, I've no idea how you'd get her to listen to you.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 14/12/2021 21:02

My ds is in the army. Home tomorrow for 3 weeks. Army camp is closing over Xmas!! What does he claim he does /where is he based?

Spudina · 14/12/2021 21:02

I actually had one of these which is forgotten about until thus thread. When I was a student I spent an evening with a guy telling me a very convincing yarn about being a fighter pilot. He talked a lot about the capsule he had to keep incase he was captured. Turned up at my digs in an amazing car. I met my husband and sacked him off. I later found out he was a used car salesman Hmm

2bazookas · 14/12/2021 21:07

As she's not working , and his " army career" appears to be a fantasy, and he's never seen with her, there's little danger of them "buying a house together". (or her losing her home).

So the main risk is to her feelings and MH when he dumps her again / it all falls apart, and all you can do is wait to support her when it happens.

TBH I'm surprised you haven't happened to pop by her place to return/borrow something and get a look at him. Or maybe his car.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/12/2021 21:07

@TooWicked

Honestly, if this was a very good friend of mine and I was as worried as you seem to be, I'd stake out her flat and follow him home to where he lives with his wife and children one evening after he's visited and then take it from there.

Definitely follow him

GrumpyTerrier · 14/12/2021 21:12

I have a friend who's husband has all these stories where he has been police, army, special forces and all sorts and she believes it all, while her friends realise it doesn't make sense that he has done all these things. But we haven't said anything because it would just alienate her. He is already quite controlling and she gets so much of her self esteem/security/identity from being married (to someone anyone). We just hope for the best really.

lynntheyresexpeople · 14/12/2021 21:27

He's married.