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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

548 replies

Maybeknights · 14/12/2021 20:34

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

  • The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
  • the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
  • I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
  • she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
  • he can’t book any time off work
  • he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
  • he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

OP posts:
hackysack · 29/08/2022 08:09

Not only was not allowed his leave, he was sent abroad with no notice and not allowed to call his partner

Soooo far fetched

She needs counselling if she believes this stuff

Ladyof2022 · 31/08/2022 05:03

What a very sad thread. Your poor, deluded friend.

I've read most of the posts and did not see anyone mention the fact that this conman is not and has never been her "boyfriend" in any sense of the word.

From reading all the OP's posts it's clear that he uses her like an unpaid prostitute. Dropping by sometimes for just an hour, during which they don't have a cuppa and a chat but they have sex. It makes me cringe. And somehow, she does not even realise that this is all she is to him.

On top of that, I bet, if there is any time left over after DTD, she provides him with food and refreshments. So a free cafe as well as a free brothel. It turns my stomach that this man is getting away with treating any woman like that.

When she first made contact with this man on online dating, she must have invited him to her place for their first date. And her story reminds us yet again that we must never, never do that, but date in public places.

Dating in public places.isn't just for the woman's safety, but to observe whether the man is happy to be seen in public with his date.

Smilingwithfangs · 31/08/2022 08:08

I wouldn’t be at all sure it’s the last you have seen of him OP and your friends reaction suggests she will welcome him with open arms when the time comes sadly.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 01/09/2022 15:15

We had a long chat about it on Wednesday dissecting the situation and I suggested that he was living a double life and was probably on holiday with his wife and kids. She vehemently denied this and said that if I’d had a chance to meet him I’d know that he was genuine and that he really loved her…

OP, would this be a good opportunity to ask her to arrange a time when you can meet him?

FictionalCharacter · 01/09/2022 18:36

CooooCoooo · 07/07/2022 20:03

I'm a veteran and my husband is still in the army and, from what you've said, this guy is 100% not military. Nothing is adding up and nothing sounds true. In fact, if you PM me his name I can ask a mate to do a search and see if there even is someone with his name in the army. Then you'll know once and for all.

It would be very sensible to take up this offer, plus do a reverse image search, and show her the results. She’s vulnerable because she’s still deluded and could be fooled again by someone else. Proof that he’s a fraud might shock her into seeing sense.

NotSoTinyDancer1 · 17/02/2023 22:34

Hey OP hope your friend finally left this guy 🤞🏻

Jimboscott0115 · 17/02/2023 22:55

I've said it on another thread and I'll say it here... If anyone ever meets someone who is apparently in the forces/some government role that is top secret - they don't tell you they're in the forces/government role doing top secret things. There will be a cover or they will simply tell you about their 'home' regiment and they'll sound perfectly mundane like 99.9% of people in the forces actually are.

You don't even need to read the rest to know this guy is a bullshitter, it's probably the biggest most obvious lie I've known men pull and it really shocks me people still fall for it.

Genvonklinkerhoffen · 17/02/2023 23:17

Jimboscott0115 · 17/02/2023 22:55

I've said it on another thread and I'll say it here... If anyone ever meets someone who is apparently in the forces/some government role that is top secret - they don't tell you they're in the forces/government role doing top secret things. There will be a cover or they will simply tell you about their 'home' regiment and they'll sound perfectly mundane like 99.9% of people in the forces actually are.

You don't even need to read the rest to know this guy is a bullshitter, it's probably the biggest most obvious lie I've known men pull and it really shocks me people still fall for it.

Thanks Jimbo. Some really profound statements there.

PlumbleCrumble · 18/02/2023 09:57

I read the similar thread before and my first thought was that he might not exist.

But as he seems to exist, I think it is a very thing that your friend is out of this now.

I have heard too many stories where men lead double lives, or have fictive jobs, and they turn nasty when they feel that they are about to be caught out.

I have a friend whose husband lied about having a job, and various other things. He committed suicide when he felt he was about to be caught out. Some other men harm their wives or children.

Not trying to freak you out but this worried me.

Original poster
Maybeknights · 21/03/2023 18:11

For those of you who showed interest and concern I thought I’d better give you a conclusion.

Around October time he spun a yarn so unbelievable (I won’t go into details) that I aired my disbelief and offered to help investigate and winkle him out which my friend was quite upset and defensive about. I didn’t push as I was so scared of pushing her away. Anyway, he didn’t resurface after that.

Last week she paid to have his picture run through some sophisticated recognition tech to find any online presence… and uncovered his other life. It was all a lie and that’s now clear. He’s married and has a fairly big online profile so there was lots to find out about him.

She is devastated of course but prepared a dossier of evidence to everything he did to her - all the lies, photos, emails etc and posted it in a tracked parcel to his wife. The parcel was delivered this week and that’s where the story ends. She’s now seeking therapy to get over the ordeal and I guess we may never know who opened the parcel or whether he managed to weasel his way out but there we go. It’s over and that can only be a good thing.

OP posts:
SofaSpuds · 21/03/2023 18:24

Thanks for the update @Maybeknights !

Your poor friend 😢 but I am glad she finally acknowledged something was up and did since digging. No doubt there's lots for her to process now, he really did a number on her. But the only way is up from here on.
💐 💐 for both of you, you're a very good friend 💗

TolkiensFallow · 21/03/2023 19:12

At least she knows. And has good friend

Allsortsofroses · 21/03/2023 19:14

Last week she paid to have his picture run through some sophisticated recognition tech to find any online presence

Would you mind sharing the name of the tech? That sounds very useful.

A lot of women are encountering men like this on OLD etc.

emptythelitterbox · 21/03/2023 19:18

Appreciate the update.
These lying cheating married men are practically an epidemic.

LadyEloise1 · 21/03/2023 19:24

Thank you for the update @Maybeknights.
Your poor friend - the devastation she must feel. And the foolishness.
You're a good pal. 💐

pompomdaisy · 21/03/2023 19:32

I would go into full super sleuth and follow the prick undercover

pompomdaisy · 21/03/2023 19:33

Oh solved I see. He was a prick!

AcrossthePond55 · 21/03/2023 20:10

I'm glad your friend is seeking therapy. It'll not only help her get over this whole mess, but it can also help her to recognize the things within herself that allowed her to be so dazzled by him so it never happens to her again.

I'm glad she's gotten no response regarding the package she sent. No matter who opened it, it would just continue the mess.

CheshireSplat · 03/04/2023 20:13

Thank you for the update. I had a similar situation with a friend. Another friend and I were so suspicious, but when we asked about it, our mutual friend just shut down, so we agreed to be there to pick up the pieces, as it appeared we risk alienating the friend we were worried about. Picking up the pieces came, of course, and we were still there. She's now with someone much more straightforward.

CheshireSplat · 03/04/2023 20:21

Me again, sorry! Have just read all the OP's posts from the start as I knew there was a reason I'd watched this thread.

The man from the OP's thread had a "sister and two kids" as cover. My friend's man had his "late best friend's widow and her two children" who of course, were actually his wife and kids. Is there a playbook?

Justkidding55 · 09/10/2023 23:55

Old thread

dawngreen · 12/10/2023 09:11

At least its taught her to question things more.

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