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Original poster

I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

548 replies

Maybeknights · 14/12/2021 20:34

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

  • The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
  • the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
  • I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
  • she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
  • he can’t book any time off work
  • he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
  • he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

OP posts:
IceandIndigo · 20/08/2022 13:02

How awful for your friend. But not surprising. I’m guessing he told his wife some story to justify going away for 2 weeks and then she got suspicious and he couldn’t go.

If you think there’s any risk she’s going to go back to him, now’s the time to expose his lies. There have been plenty of good suggestions on this thread from people with military connections that would enable you to prove to her he’s not in the army, at least.

eish · 20/08/2022 13:21

I feel so sorry for her. He is undoubtedly conning her in some way or other.

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/08/2022 13:38

Their very good at this aren’t they? These men who look like weebles who are military on secret missions 🙄

Wherearemymarbles · 20/08/2022 14:00

Simples innit
he’s been in Ukraine behind enemy lines
Sadly OP your friend has her head in the sand and arse in the air believing what she wants to believe. And as for mo damage done, how many years of her life has she wasted?

BFPDec21 · 20/08/2022 21:59

She said she needs to see him and hear his explanation or she will never get over this.

My DM would often say this at the natural end of toxic relationships. However, my DM struggled to be alone to the point if she was ever single, she would date as much as possible until she got into a relationship again. It meant that at this time, when she sought "the truth" her partner would reel her back in with obvious lies. She put up with some pretty deceptive, completely unreasonable behaviour through her own loneliness, even though she could acknowledge the original behaviour (cheating, hiding money and expecting her to pay for everything, etc.) was unacceptable. Your friend doesn't seem to be able to do this.

Be prepared for your friend to force reigniting this relationship if he also plays ball.

Maybe you could go round there before she does this, watch The Puppet Master and Tinder Swindler on Netflix, have some drinks and a takeaway and laugh it off. The Puppet Master was very, very similar circumstances such as him being on secret missions and she might be able to start spotting some signs?

MissConductUS · 20/08/2022 22:05

It's a textbook military romance scam. He's very likely married.

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/08/2022 22:17

He’s cold hearted if he can string her along like this and not care how hurt and embarrassed she must’ve been.

MissConductUS · 20/08/2022 22:49

I know many people on active duty or who have previously served in the army. It's not at all like what he describes. Unless they are deployed, people get leave and have pretty normal social lives.

MrsLeBouef · 20/08/2022 23:30

I'm also saying if you could afford 100 pounds or so a PI would be able to actually get a proper address for him from the closed electoral roll or more if required. You're a good friend.

MrsLeBouef · 20/08/2022 23:31

notanothertakeaway · 20/08/2022 12:51

How awful for her, feeling so humiliated she couldn't even tell people he didn't turn up for the holiday

I wonder if she's ok with you starting / returning to this thread to tell strangers about her misfortune?

OFGS 🙄

EmergencyHepNeeded · 20/08/2022 23:41

What was that documentary on Netflix recently where all the women were seeing guys who were doublecrossing them? There was another documentary at the same time about a group of people who were living for years as though they were they were being watched by the authorities. I think the first was the tinder swindler but I can't remember the second one. It would be really good for your friend to watch those with you.

EmergencyHepNeeded · 20/08/2022 23:41

What was that documentary on Netflix recently where all the women were seeing guys who were doublecrossing them? There was another documentary at the same time about a group of people who were living for years as though they were they were being watched by the authorities. I think the first was the tinder swindler but I can't remember the second one. It would be really good for your friend to watch those with you.

Ballsaque · 21/08/2022 01:17

What an arsehole!

the Puppetmaster is an excellent documentary on Netflix btw. It’s really sad tho.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/08/2022 01:25

She's in LalaLand, poor woman. Nothing you say will change her mind. To quote the Doobie Brothers:

"What a fool believes (s)he sees,
No wise man has the power to reason away.

What seems to be,
is always better than nothing, than nothing at all."

Fluffybull666 · 21/08/2022 05:20

Of course he wasn't in the army! Probably had another wife/girlfriend somewhere else. "Resignation letter"? I could write a resignation letter to NASA but it doesnt prove I worked for them.

nettie434 · 21/08/2022 08:42

MrsLeBouef · 20/08/2022 23:30

I'm also saying if you could afford 100 pounds or so a PI would be able to actually get a proper address for him from the closed electoral roll or more if required. You're a good friend.

That's assuming he has told her his correct name. So far as I can remember, the friend hasn't seen anything like a driving licence or bank card that can be linked to him. When I was in a similar position to the OP's friend, a friend suggested I did this but you need to have something for them to work with. His car registration might work (although he could pretend he'd borrowed it if it emerged that the car was registered to a man who lived with a wife and family) but that assumes she has a good memory or made a note of it.

OP, I feel very sorry for your friend. It does sound to me as if he wants to end it, maybe because his wife is getting suspicious and he needs to show it's over. Or maybe he's looking for someone else because he constantly needs a new victim.

I'm not sure that watching fictionalised accounts would help at this stage. Or even watching documentaries like Spycops. I think I'd concentrate on helping her work on her feelings of self esteem and how she is worth more than the few morsels he threw her way.

Oioicaptain · 21/08/2022 08:58

Oh I do love an update! Thank you! I would persuade her to hire a private detective. Surely you can do your own detective work online? It can't be that hard to track him down.

TolkiensFallow · 21/08/2022 19:38

Oh no! Your poor friend.

Silvercurtains · 21/08/2022 20:26

This won’t be the end of it. He’ll contact her again when he needs an ego boost and she’ll allow him to keep treating her like a door mat. It’s sad how little respect some people have for themselves.

Jewel7 · 21/08/2022 20:39

It’s so hard when you have a friend in this situation. Years ago my friend believed her married lover was leaving his wife he would pretend to move in with her and then run straight back on repeat. Eventually she moved on but he was lovely to her so she thought they were in love. He was quite blatant met her family, would go to events etc. Now she is happily married to someone else! I would do as much online digging as possible. If his name is real. She needs the truth but she isn’t going to hear it from him sadly.

Mrbay · 24/08/2022 22:17

Oh god, your poor friend.

Current and previous military take a dim view on anyone pretending to be serving or have served. Honestly he is talking absolute rot.

Send details to www.facebook.com/The-Walter-Mitty-Hunters-Club-HQ-224264854573797/ if you want to know if he is telling the truth or not.

LightHouseParade · 26/08/2022 17:59

Thanks for the update. I hope it is the end for your friend and this conman. Maybe he'll change his mind and she doesn't seem like she wants it to end. Hopefully in time she gets over it. I do worry about such gullible people as they're prone to end up in similiar situations.

Britencheerio · 26/08/2022 18:22

Thanks for the update. Feeling sad for your friend. What a horrible situation and having to spend those two weeks alone due to embarrassment just seems grim, but I’d do the same.

I’ve also been in a situation where my boyfriend lied about his (supposedly ex-) wife and children; it feels very humiliating and makes it really hard to trust anyone.

I hope she’s ok.

Libre55 · 27/08/2022 21:09

It’s a shame you can’t get his photo and put it on here. Somebody is bound to know him.

hackysack · 29/08/2022 08:06

This is so sad. Poor woman

Id be worried that he could pop up again soon and it starts all over again