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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

548 replies

Maybeknights · 14/12/2021 20:34

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

  • The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
  • the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
  • I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
  • she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
  • he can’t book any time off work
  • he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
  • he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 14/12/2021 21:27

Google his name. Look on 192 in his area. You may find his name with a Mrs bf...

Riverlee · 14/12/2021 21:30

Yes, he’s married.

AnFiaRuaNua · 14/12/2021 21:33

Wow, how can she not see it?

Houseplantmad · 14/12/2021 21:36

Do some Googling. A friend was taken in by a "hedge fund owner". I met him and smelt a rat (having worked in the city). His life in Paris, his hedge fund and the 5 million pound house he was buying were all a fantasy. He was a pathetic loser who was looking for a free ride from my very successful and financially independent friend. Google revealed all.

Linguini · 14/12/2021 21:37

He could easily be using a fake name though.

Contactmap · 14/12/2021 21:39

Certainly try Google and social media, but I bet he gave her a false name.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 14/12/2021 21:41

Mm maybe but risk she could see his driving licence /bank card when he booty calls...

AngelonTopoftheTree · 14/12/2021 21:44

Your poor Friend, this is not good!!! All you can do is be there for her, doesn't sound like she will listen if you try to tell her your fears.

foxgoosefinch · 14/12/2021 21:45

He’s so married. Poor woman.

Slipperoo · 14/12/2021 21:47

For a starter they don't write letters of resignation, it's done online.

Dixiechickonhols · 14/12/2021 21:48

He’s married. I’d do some digging. I’d worry she would lend him her redundancy money.

Stripey3000 · 14/12/2021 21:50

Contact the tv show Catfish and see if they'll investigate for you?

Allthelols · 14/12/2021 21:54

If you know his name I’d be digging
She won’t accept this is dodgy without major clear evidence sadly.

Mumof3confused · 14/12/2021 21:55

He’s married. Following him is a good idea.

jelly79 · 14/12/2021 21:56

This sounds like a car crash in the making :( your poor friend

Does she know all these things you have pointed out?

Unsure33 · 14/12/2021 21:58

Bet he asks for money in some form or another .

My sister was taken in by someone like this . When I investigated I found out he was engaged to someone else.

He had managed to get money out of. Her by then though

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 14/12/2021 21:59

Does his name start with G op?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 14/12/2021 22:04

Has she any pics of him you can reverse search op?

MartyHart · 14/12/2021 22:07

He's married. Probably works at Tie Rack at the airport.

Charliealphatangorara · 14/12/2021 22:07

Tell her to ask him for his service or P0 number, along with the phone number she needs to call in case of emergencies. This is something he would be able and willing to give her even if his job was "top secret". If he doesn't give it to her she has her answer, if he gives it to get and its fake (I don't know the phone number these days but I'm sure someone on here has it) she has her answer.

PatsyJStone · 14/12/2021 22:09

The internet is your friend, and there is the option to follow him home and see what you discover. I’ve found all sorts out for my single/dating friends (about guys they’ve got involved with) on the internet which has shown the truth not the cover story. Fortunately my friends have wanted to know.

Silvershroud · 14/12/2021 22:14

Sadly, your friend is the OW.

BertramLacey · 14/12/2021 22:15

He may well be using a fake name or at least a fake last name. If you've seen the one photo she has got, I'd search OLD sites. You can guess at his age and some of his details. Search for similar men in the right location and see if his picture turns up. I think you're more likely to get at another fake identity than his real one. If he's been active recently you can screenshot this and show it to her. Evidence that he's still dating - and I suspect he is on OLD as well as married - may help tip her. She may however claim his identity has been stolen. Even if she does that though it might just plant enough doubt.

caringdenise009 · 14/12/2021 22:16

Send your friend link to the wiki page for Robert Hendy Freeguard. It might even be him.

justasking111 · 14/12/2021 22:18

OMG this could be someone I know he said he was SAS after dating for two years a woman contacted her. He was stringing them both along. Things blew up now he's living with the other woman and still screwing my friend, they're both addicted to him it's weird.