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Original poster

I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

548 replies

Maybeknights · 14/12/2021 20:34

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

  • The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
  • the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
  • I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
  • she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
  • he can’t book any time off work
  • he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
  • he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

OP posts:
Ohnomoreno · 14/12/2021 22:20

That's so sad. No idea what you do but I hope she doesn't carry on with it. People are so desperately lonely now.

PoshPyjamas · 14/12/2021 22:22

We are definitely all up for you following him 😀

EUnamechange · 14/12/2021 22:31

Really dodgy. His story is nonsensical.

I know people in the security services and they have family and friends holidays like everyone else, and photos. Their social media is locked down but still exists.

If someone is actually under deep cover, for police/security services then their long time romantic partners are aware to some extent (and are actually checked out as part of their partner's security clearance and the partner will usually be interviewed). If they're under deep cover in the day job (but are living and meeting this woman whilst not under cover) but it's a new relationship then they'll have a cover story of a boring job in the civil service etc.

If they're actively under deep cover as this guy claims to be, then they obviously wouldn't be telling someone they're under cover.

The whole James Bond thing is such bollocks. That's not how it works. People who work for security services are civil servants doing mostly office jobs, even when it's sensitive work. A limited number of them in specific roles may run 'agents' here or abroad, who are people recruited from the public to provide information. The idea that there are security service agents running round doing stuff like James Bond is just wrong.

If he was really working in intelligence some kind he wouldn't be able to tell her anything about it, until she'd been checked out, and then she'd know about it officially, though not the details.

The rest of it is full of red flags too. This guy's almost certainly married, and the security service type story is both something men with low self esteem like to boast about, and use as a cover for a marriage, as I think you've figured out.

I'd be doing some digging on this guy. Some of these support groups mentioned before might be useful for tips on how to wake her up.

lonelySam · 14/12/2021 22:33

I put my money on married. Good story about sister and her kids though.

Ariann · 14/12/2021 22:36

A lot of men who have been in prison use this as cover as civilians cannot check on an army career. They then embellish it by saying they are a pilot or a special forces soldier or an officer. Often they also have a history or domestic violence as well as being an ex-con. They invent a new identity to hide the old one, and go on to con women.

If I were her friend, I would do some detective work on this man.
I would also bet you that he is using a fake surname (but his first name is is real name). Start by finding out the name he has given your friend and what regiment he says he is in, and go from there. I would also follow him.
I don't think he is necessarily married - anyway, I would be far more worried that he is a liar with a violent past who has got your friend where he wants her and will take her money.

FrankiesCheeseTruckle · 14/12/2021 22:39

Ask the Walter Mitty Hunters Club on FB. They'll know if he's serving or ex military.....
Plenty have been outed on there for being complete walts.

JillFromHolt · 14/12/2021 22:40

Are you in Cornwall by any chance? Sounds very similar to something that happened to someone I know. Unfortunately she had a child with him before the lies were revealed and it turned out there was a string of women with kids before her

Bytheseaseasea · 14/12/2021 22:43

Do you know anyone else in the military (any branch)? They can look him up on the global email list and should give his name, rank, email address, job role, and which unit he is attached to.

CaMePlaitPas · 14/12/2021 22:45

This has got "married" written all over it.

boomboomshakalakalakaboom · 14/12/2021 22:46

I agree he's probably married. Another take is that if no one at all has ever seen the guy, and she's saying she's not allowed to take photos etc, and her MH is poor at times.... are you sure he's even real?

CaMePlaitPas · 14/12/2021 22:48

Seriously though OP your friend could be in danger - have you spoken to her about him not ringing true?

Bentoforthehorde · 14/12/2021 22:49

Ah bless her, yeah he's married. Or just nuts.
I don't have experience with Army guys, but one of my brothers is Royal Marine.
I don't get how these married guys con sober people into thinking they're James bond?
Are they all super buff, really charismatic, amazing at juggling fake lives?

RevolvingPivot · 14/12/2021 22:51

Lots of men are in the SAS but they wouldn't tell someone they've known a couple of months. It's hard being with someone that works away so often. It's no life for the woman sat at home with the kids (Well for her personally as I hate change). Lots of people assume if you're with someone in the forces that works away a lot that they must be married. I'd always recommend them to meet his family first to make sure.

Wombat69 · 14/12/2021 22:51

192 online & search his name.

I occasionally mildly stalk my ex... 😎

RevolvingPivot · 14/12/2021 22:56

@Steelesauce

Then again, my boss relays stories her husband tells her about his 12 months in the army (national guard and para apparently Hmm) and we all sit there nodding knowing he's telling her bull. How she can listen to bullshit for 30 years and not click on, I'll never know.
How do you know he isn't? Surely she knows what job her husband does? Uniform? Wages? Colleagues?
BobLemon · 14/12/2021 22:57

Watching this thread for the reveal in a few weeks time! You need to update us OP! I hope it’s over that quick anyway.

Iwilloneday · 14/12/2021 22:58

Think you hit the nail on the head there!

RevolvingPivot · 14/12/2021 22:58

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

My ds is in the army. Home tomorrow for 3 weeks. Army camp is closing over Xmas!! What does he claim he does /where is he based?
Surely you know not every soldier can be home for Christmas though?
Hereagainnewlogin · 14/12/2021 23:06

I have two different friends based in different countries who have been conned by guys who said they were in the army but were married and living double lives.

Well one was actually in the army, but also married 😅

Sounds dodgy op! Not much you can do though. I guess if over time he doesn't move in with her or she is unhappy about him being away or not wanting to commit, then you have an in to talk about it.

NigellaAwesome · 14/12/2021 23:06

Another vote for definitely married and /or con artist. Your friend sounds vulnerable.

I dealt with loads of these types in my last role. They are a mixture of con actors and walter Mitty types, who target lonely women.

It’s hard to know what to do though. I think you are right that she won’t want to hear it.

HadEnoughOfBears · 14/12/2021 23:06

@MartyHart

He's married. Probably works at Tie Rack at the airport.
😂😂
gettingolderandgrumpy · 14/12/2021 23:13

Oh Jesus she believes all his crap because she wants to . I think you just have to wait it out because she won’t believe you anyway . Can you not do a bit of snooping on social media ? Ask some questions and you definitely need to meet him .

ShaneTheThird · 14/12/2021 23:18

There's a lot of these Walter Mitty types on online dating. I'm from a military family where everyone is military or former and yes it's nothing like these con artists claim, they aren't fucking cold war spies. Yep defo married and deffo dodgy.

reesewithoutaspoon · 14/12/2021 23:19

married

Somebodylikeyew · 14/12/2021 23:22

Could you reverse image search his dating profile photo?