I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

[Maybeknights]

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

• The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
• the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
• I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
• she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
• he can’t book any time off work
• he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
• he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

@Closetbeanmuncher

There was a thread about a James-Bond-esque army impersonator a while back, maybe a few weeks. Sounds very familiar

I remember that one too, it was her brother in the other one wasn't it?

I don't think she will listen even if you have in writing he's a liar. She sounds desperate to be 'coupled'.

I remember that too. ^

Your poor friend. It doesn’t sound like she wants to know the truth, would she thank you for interfering? I think you just have to support her, unless she will listen to you…

My friend is in a relationship with someone in an army intelligence role and although not on social media (not sure why) he’s not at all secretive about it. Won’t go into massive detail but will tell you little bits, where he’s travelled and how boring it is usually. He has a few medals etc. He doesn’t creep around. Your friend’s acquaintance is a walking red flag.

I don’t think I’d follow him. I’d be too afraid in case he spotted me. @Flowers500 has it for me. Hire a PD if you can afford to do so.

Your friend is desperate and I doubt you'll get through to her. Most you can do is be there and help her pick up the pieces when Walter Mitty's wife appears

Yes of course it’s bullshit.

Other than emotional, the worry could be financial - that he’s a con man rather than married. However from the story about the nieces and nephews nearby it seems certain that he’s married, so the idea they’ll buy a house together won’t come to pass.

I think you’ve got two options - ride it out, being gently sceptical and not feeding her fantasy, and not confronting her if you think it would cause her to withdraw from you completely. Or use a private detective to get proof he isn’t who he says she is which you get anonymously delivered to her.

@GrannytoaUnicorn
Yes I think grumpyterrier will be aware the military police exist. What’s she’s saying is her friend has a controlling husband with James Bond fantasies - this makes her someone looking out for her friend, not a bad friend. 🙄

This isn’t my story to tell but such a surreal one I feel I have to. This happened to a close friend of a friend.
Met a man online quickly after her divorce. He was wealthy and had a good job, often away. They were going to buy a house and he was going to lend friend deposit for a house etc. Friend sold her very small house she was comfortable in and could afford. Friend quit her job as he was wealthy.
Friend had to stay in a naice hotel for over a month as she had no home. He assured her he would pay the bill and to enjoy it.
He of course stayed in the nice hotel when he was back, ate really nice meals out with them, bought extremely generous gifts for friends family and friends whom he was happy to meet and stay with over periods of time due to homelessness. Friends grandchildren called him grandad.
Needless to say they were burning through HER money from the sale of her house. She was also paying his finance payments on his Mercedes.
They couldn’t even pay the hotel bill in the end. Friend stayed on a camp bed in her grandchild’s bedroom as her adult child put her up. Friend didn’t have a job or any income and they had spent all her house sale money living an extreme life of luxury it was assumed by other HE had been paying for.
Friend was contacted on FB saying that another women had been “conned” out of £60,000 by him and also sold her home etc. She had seen friends details on his FB and got worried for her. She put friend in touch with another “ex” who he was still seeing, presumably while he was away from Friend. So far he has convinced this lady to take early retire from the NHS and then spent the £30,000.
Confusingly she still continued to see him for a while, sometimes in secret.
The warning signs were all there and yet no one saw them until it was too late.

@SimpsonsXmasBoogie

I found out for certain when she took me to a TA awards event and expected me to not know it wasn't the actual army

I'm very sorry that this happened to you, but I have to admit that this part of your story did make me laugh

What aboutit made you laugh? (i don't mind, I can see it is quite funny,just curious) :)

Another weird thing about it was, it was very close to where I lived but she implied it was close to where she lived, so I would have to stop over at her house. I found that rather odd, too.

It

Your friend is an adult OP, and can make her own decisions, personally I would leave her to it, chances are she won’t listen to sense.

He is married and your friend is an idiot.

My best friend did exactly this. Different lies entirely but I knew he was lying and she wouldn't/couldn't see it. I told her straight once at the beginning of the relationship and it didn't go down particularly well so after that we just met when he wasn't there and I tried to be supportive (but never enabling).

Then he left with hundreds of thousands of pounds of her money and it all turned out to be one huge scam/lie. I was right, but it was worse than even I had guessed.

I was pleased that we still had a friendship as she was able to come to me when it all went wrong. I have never once said I told you so, of course.

All you can do is be there. Don't get sucked in to discussing obvious lies - say things like 'oh that's interesting' and move the conversation on. Eventually she will work it out for herself and it's best that she has you there when she does.

I have been naive with men like this previously. I am like a bloody detective though so it’s pretty easy to dig up info these days.
If this man exists, he is clearly not what he says. I bet he’s a married security guard, lots of them are like wannabe police/army.
If he’s supposed to be with her at Christmas, that clearly won’t happen so I’d be prepared to support her. She may still be happy with this nonsensical relationship if she’s very lonely.

Your friend is an adult and gets to make her own decisions here.

Deep down she probably knows.

Sorry haven’t read the whole thread. I dated some one like this a few years ago, he kept coming and going when he pleased, sometimes vanishing for a few months, claimed he was based at a local army base when in-fact he was based somewhere totally different (miles away), claimed he was divorced but I very much doubt he was. We did go out on dates but of course no one knew him in my area because he wasn’t based where he said he was. One day we went on a date, he came back to mine and then left at the end of the day and never returned. Luckily I wasn’t too bothered as I had already sussed out he was lying and I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. Pretty sure he was happily married.

I have dated several army men, all have had major issues, one was abusive, all told lies. I would be very wary in the future.

There seems to be an awful lot of con artists about. My sister’s friend met a guy , he convinced her to part with £40,000 of inheritance for him to invest , needless to say he disappeared and she lost all her money. Then she met a guy in the secret service who went on lots of ’missions’ , he told her he was going to buy her a house and she spent ages choosing kitchens etc . Everyone smelt a rat and after a lot of persuasion she did some digging and found that he was in fact a married builder with children.
She’s a complete idiot because she carried on seeing him 🙄

The stake out idea what my original plan but I live 45 minutes away and have 2 babies and he only ever seems to make evening visits so unfortunately it’s just not feasible for me! Plus they always seem to be quite short notice so I’d have to go every night until her appeared… I’ve done some SM searching but his name is a bit common!

Comforted to hear so many people thinking this stinks too and it’s not just me being overly protective and negative!

Yeah he’s married.

I wouldn’t do anything just wait for the fall out. And pick up the pieces.

Oh and I didn’t mention she asked me for her spare keys back… presumably to give him?

This reads practically word for word like something that happened to a friend of mine.

Yep, he was married.

Every single word out of his mouth was utter bollocks. Icing on cake was when he threatened to have her “taken care of” if she didn’t abort his baby.

He's married. Poor wife and family.

Maybe you could casually suggest a girls night in watching True Lies, to see if she twigs?

Can you get a copy of his only photo / dating profile image. With that you could do a google image search and maybe that would reveal him.

Similar happened to a friend of mine, although no James Bond type background but loads of lies, last minute cancellations etc, I got so pissed off with it all I did find his house, sat outside and took a photo of him with his turned out to be correct wife, and their son. Sent it to her whilst I was outside hoping to finish the drama, she still made excuses for him and carried on until he dumped her. She had several similar relationships because she couldn’t be on her own, her son was young throughout, some people just love the drama and attention/and or bury head in the sand.

My friend (female) is in the navy and says this is really common place. Absolutely loads of guys with girlfriends in one city and wives in another. Shes a medic and she gets guys in with STDs who want miracles working so that they can go home to their wives at the weekend without them knowing.

One guy at a base down south is engaged to a local girl and has a baby with her bit is married to a woman in scotland with 2 kids!

I know someone in the Royal Marines. Went through heaps of rigorous training. He's bored out of his mind and definitely not doing James Bond stuff. He gets plenty of time off, including over Christmas the last 2 years.

I think you're right. This guy is seriously bullshitting your friend. Not much you can do other than be there to support her when things go wrong...

This same thing happened to a relative. It was all stories and lies and turning up unannounced and rushing off for secret missions.

Turns out he had two other families (that we found out about, there could have been more) and weirdly all three women had the same name, so it seems like he was targeting them in part because the names made it easier for him. The other two women had children with him, thankfully my relative didn't, but he did leave her with a lot of debt he had run up in her name because he couldn't take out loans and credit cards etc because of his secret job and the security risk.

She didn't take kindly to anyone questioning even the most obvious of his lies though, he had an answer for everything which she then parroted to us all, and if she couldn't give an answer she just stopped speaking to the person asking the questions. It was a very difficult time for the family, and for her.

I think you are going to have to treat carefully with your friend if you do question anything he's saying or doing.