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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

548 replies

Maybeknights · 14/12/2021 20:34

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

  • The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
  • the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
  • I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
  • she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
  • he can’t book any time off work
  • he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
  • he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybeknights · 07/07/2022 18:48

Hi all and thanks so much to those of you who have showed love and concern!

So they are still together. We have a wedding in a couple of weeks that I thought might be an opportunity to meet him but alas, he can’t make it.

I’ve seen a few photos so definitely not made up. There has been one post on insta stories with a pic of them both too but that’s all.

The stories are still fantastical (under cover jobs rumbling drug operations is the latest). Even after all these months he’s still no more available than he was and she seems fine with this arrangement.

We went out the other night and she seems to be in a good place mentally and we had a good laugh so that’s one less concern. She said he has a couple of weeks off coming up so they’re making plans for that but let’s see if anything happens to thwart that. Becoming a bit difficult to use covid as an excuse these days but I’m sure he’ll find other emergencies.

I’m basically just waiting it out now. My thinking is it will end and we’ll never know or they’ll end up getting married and I’ll be proved wrong! Either way, so long as she’s happy and not in any immediate danger (which is the current situation as I see it) I’ll just keep my nose out.

Any major developments I’ll let you all know!

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/07/2022 18:51

Do a google reverse image search or use dupli checker reverse image search

LilyMarshall · 07/07/2022 18:55

It’s such a shame she is so content with crumbs.

whynotwhatknot · 07/07/2022 18:57

folow him from her house

im watching too many shows lately

ChampagneLassie · 07/07/2022 19:07

Suggest she hire a private detective to look into him, if it's all legitimate great, if not then a few thousand pounds will save her the ongoing emotional investment and heartache

lljkk · 07/07/2022 19:27

Nowt as queer as folk. Thanks for update.

MissConductUS · 07/07/2022 19:39

It's a military romance scam. They're so common the US Army Criminal Investigations Division (CID) has a web page for it.

www.cid.army.mil/romancescam.html

I'm sure the British Army has an equivalent branch. I'd report him.

DailySnooze · 07/07/2022 19:51

He's got another family almost certainly and he's just stringing her along.

Your poor friend :(

TolkiensFallow · 07/07/2022 20:00

Oh your poor friend

Humbley17 · 07/07/2022 20:02

He is definitely dodgy follow him or pop in unexpectantly. If she is talking about marriage then it will be weird as no one has seen them together so he will probably say he wants simple and suggest a registry office with strangers as witnesses. Pity you can't photograph him doing all this dodgy stuff

CooooCoooo · 07/07/2022 20:03

I'm a veteran and my husband is still in the army and, from what you've said, this guy is 100% not military. Nothing is adding up and nothing sounds true. In fact, if you PM me his name I can ask a mate to do a search and see if there even is someone with his name in the army. Then you'll know once and for all.

AchatAVendre · 07/07/2022 20:04

My friend had a boyfriend a bit like this OP, he was seeing 2 or 3 women at the same time, in different towns, and they all believed he needed a lot of time alone and couldn't see them that often grin]. There are a few things you can do to check him out easily and at no real cost.

Does she know his full name? If so, check the births, divorces and marriage registers for records.

Is it a usual or unusual surname/first name combination? If so, google his name with another word such as a certain town or job title or other name. Or even a sport or hobby.

On Facebook, search for his name but don't then click on it, search through the results. Do that for posts, photos, marketplace and videos. You can also search his name plus an additional word that might be identifying.

Get a photo of him and reverse search the image.

Does she know where he lives, ie his actual address?

Your friend needs to ask him questions outright and the fact that she isn't is concerning, because it indicates that she is being manipulated. She really needs to protect her assets and make sure that he doesn't have access to any of her personal records. Has she managed to get a photo of him yet? To be honest, your friend sounds an ideal target for someone like this man and I can see why he keeps coming back - she just isn't doing anything to find out any of the normal truths about someone that you are in a romantic relationship with. Some people can be very easy prey for manipulative people and it sounds like she is one of them. It sounds funny and obviously its not your problem, but when the inevitable fallout happens, it can be devastating for the person involved.

LadyEloise1 · 07/07/2022 20:08

I'd have to follow him.
In another life I'd be a PI.
I've helped the police/victims of crimes out on a few occasions just by being observant.

Summerslam · 07/07/2022 20:10

He's a fraud. He's lying about everything, from his job to his commitments, to probably having Covid over Christmas - how very convenient.

If you have his contact details, hunt him down and confront him (not in an aggressive way). Your poor friend needs to have a fulfilling life with someone who cherishes her, not this fool.

SamBeckettslastleap · 07/07/2022 20:17

@BasiliskStare I'm glad she got out and didn't shoot the messenger.

Op, thanks for the update, I know that we are not owed one but it is good to hear, even if it isn't the update we were all hoping for. She is lucky to have you as a friend.

EmmaH2022 · 07/07/2022 20:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

fortheloveofcheesecake · 07/07/2022 20:36

Update at 18.38

fortheloveofcheesecake · 07/07/2022 20:37

Sorry 18.48

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/07/2022 21:28

Always the army isn’t it? Never the RAF or the navy.

Tohaveandtohold · 07/07/2022 21:33

I have the same instinct as you. This whole relationship thing sounds fishy definitely

mcmooberry · 07/07/2022 21:46

Thanks for the update I remember this thread. Will await developments...

ChipsRoastOrBoiled · 07/07/2022 22:00

Do you know where he is claiming to be stationed? If so, you could go there to the Guard Room and ask to speak to him. Or suggest she takes him some surprise there herself.

My husband is a veteran and I worked for the armed forces. Nothing this man says rings true. I feel so bad for your friend. Her self esteem must have been very low for her to be taken in. And it must be do difficult for you to have to stand by and watch. You're a great friend.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/07/2022 22:10

Thing is though this woman’s going to be heartbroken when it all unravels.

daretodenim · 08/07/2022 06:29

Thanks for the update OP. It's utterly heartbreaking. She is so lucky to have you there for here when - not if - it falls apart.

I hope he gets his comeuppance.

And the reverse image search might be the next way forward. He's got to have another photo online!

BobLemon · 08/07/2022 09:03

Thanks for the update OP! And well done for resolving to wait it out and be there for her. Long-game, low-maintenance friends are the most flipping essential in life.