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Original poster

I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

548 replies

Maybeknights · 14/12/2021 20:34

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

  • The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
  • the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
  • I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
  • she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
  • he can’t book any time off work
  • he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
  • he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

OP posts:
DancingUnderTheLights · 22/07/2022 08:59

Thanks for update. I think searching his image would be a good idea to see him in other dating sites or with a different name etc.

People are saying to check him out to see if he's posted in certain barracks etc but if she's believing all his wild stories wouldn't he just be able to explain it by saying he's got secret service cover and that's why he's not showing up or something like that and she's surely just going to believe him as she wants to.

Heatstrokeunsteady · 22/07/2022 09:13

Oh she definitely knows. She is lying to herself or believes this is all she deserves

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 22/07/2022 09:24

Thanks for the update@Maybeknights.
Glad to hear your friend is doing well, you're a good friend to her. Hope, for her sake, this is resolved soon with minimal fuss.

CambsAlways · 22/07/2022 10:47

He’s married I bet

riceuten · 22/07/2022 11:05

CambsAlways · 22/07/2022 10:47

He’s married I bet

This is it. And I'm 99% sure he's nothing whatsoever to do with the Army - he's probably got all the knowledge he has from reading Bravo Two Zero. I've had numerous friends involved with people in completely unsuitable relationships and have been there for them when they indubitably fail.

Ballsaque · 23/07/2022 00:41

She’ll end up in a Netflix documentary at this rate!

thanks for the update OP.

StClare101 · 23/07/2022 01:51

It’s depressing she’s willing to accept so little from him.

You should take up the offer on the previous page of someone still employed in the army to do a search on him!

Id also be so tempted to follow him next time he visits although I know that sounds a bit crazy.

Your poor friend.

Skodacool · 23/07/2022 07:04

I don’t think soldiers do drug operations.

CoraPirbright · 23/07/2022 14:05

It’s just so sad - this guy is just wasting so much of her time…..

30mph · 24/07/2022 09:38

By not raising potential doubts about this man with your friend, you are reinforcing his plausibility in her eyes. If her good friend (you!) isn't seeing any flaws or issues, then he must be genuine, mustn't he..? I don't think you are doing right by her.

You don't have to be overly confrontational about this, simply express some minor doubts when she repeats his 'excuses'. Sow the seeds of thought and discussion.

Original poster
Maybeknights · 20/08/2022 09:26

Hello - since you’ve all be so kind and interested in this story I thought I’d give you a little update. Well a big one really.

About 3 weeks ago they were going to be having 2 whole weeks together. He had booked his leave 3 months in advance to ensure he could get it. And obviously after missing Christmas with her family and her best friends wedding, this was a big thing! The first week was going to be staying at a friends house pet sitting and the second week full of fun stuff they hadn’t had a chance to do. The day before he said his boss still hadn’t signed off so he was going to see him in the morning and demand it. After that he’d meet her that afternoon to start the holiday.

The next day came and there was no word from him. The evening came around and nothing. She went to her friends house to pet sit as planned and nothing. She spent the whole week devastated and humiliated to the point that she didn’t even tell anyone what had happened. The whole 2 weeks went by. She received an email from him which I’ve now seen saying he loved her, he was out of the country on secret business, had no phone and limited means of contacting anyone, he was sorry and would be in touch again soon and totally understood if she wanted to CALL IT OFF?! Wtf? Whatever the circumstances he was ok if she wanted to just call it off? Looks like he’s asking her her to break it off cause he’s had enough. She had started to question his lack of commitment lately so that obviously sent him running to his next victim.

She hasn’t heard from him since. She’s absolutely heart broke and embarrassed and angry and all the emotions you can expect. It was her birthday yesterday :(

We had a long chat about it on Wednesday dissecting the situation and I suggested that he was living a double life and was probably on holiday with his wife and kids. She vehemently denied this and said that if I’d had a chance to meet him I’d know that he was genuine and that he really loved her… well I never met him, nobody did. He was very careful of that.

She said she needs to see him and hear his explanation or she will never get over this. She also said she feels in limbo… I mean I think this is pretty clearly the end but she doesn’t see it that way. She said she can’t promise not taking him back! I said I would make his life a misery if he ever set foot back in her world and give her a serious shake too.

So there we are. If this is the end I guess it could have been worse - nobody got physically hurt but I really think the emotional damage this evil man has done will be lifelong :(

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 20/08/2022 09:49

Thank you for the update @Maybeknights
The wonderful holiday with him ..... as predicted.
Tough for your friend but you had tried to warn her.
There's none so blind as those that will not see. Sad
I had a similarish situation with a friend.
My has she regretted not listening to those who warned her !

NigellaAwesome · 20/08/2022 10:13

Interesting that the holiday was pet sitting. Do nothing he needed to spend outlay on, or provide his passport details for.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 20/08/2022 10:19

Thanks for the update @Maybeknights
Your poor friend, I can't believe that she still has her head so deeply buried in the sand.

J0y · 20/08/2022 10:27

Awful for her that's she's left in limbo. I hope that although she feels she needs to hear it from him at this early stage, that when the dust settles and the cogs in her brain shift, she can see things through a different lens.

He is obviously married. He's not even a player. I think he would have shown up for the first few days of the holiday if he were gadding about town but he kept her on the hook with the promise of a holiday right up until he didn't show up. He couldn't even break it off, even though the end result is the same for him.

J0y · 20/08/2022 10:30

@Maybeknights do you recall the email address? I'd be so tempted to send a quick email to him telling him to never, ever come back in to her life again.

sleepymum50 · 20/08/2022 10:46

It’s probably a stupid idea, but could she afford a private detective?

The reason is that I understand they know how to find people(mostly online).

perhaps just one day would be enough to bring her closure and give her the truth.

Sswhinesthebest · 20/08/2022 11:25

Well it was always going to end this way. It was only a matter of time. If she still can’t face the reality, then there is nothing more that you can do, however frustrating that is for you.
Are you sure you can’t track him down? Has she seen documents eg credit card that proves what his name is even?

Vapeyvapevape · 20/08/2022 11:41

His name isn't Charlie by any chance?

MulberryMoon · 20/08/2022 11:55

Maybeknights · 20/08/2022 09:26

Hello - since you’ve all be so kind and interested in this story I thought I’d give you a little update. Well a big one really.

About 3 weeks ago they were going to be having 2 whole weeks together. He had booked his leave 3 months in advance to ensure he could get it. And obviously after missing Christmas with her family and her best friends wedding, this was a big thing! The first week was going to be staying at a friends house pet sitting and the second week full of fun stuff they hadn’t had a chance to do. The day before he said his boss still hadn’t signed off so he was going to see him in the morning and demand it. After that he’d meet her that afternoon to start the holiday.

The next day came and there was no word from him. The evening came around and nothing. She went to her friends house to pet sit as planned and nothing. She spent the whole week devastated and humiliated to the point that she didn’t even tell anyone what had happened. The whole 2 weeks went by. She received an email from him which I’ve now seen saying he loved her, he was out of the country on secret business, had no phone and limited means of contacting anyone, he was sorry and would be in touch again soon and totally understood if she wanted to CALL IT OFF?! Wtf? Whatever the circumstances he was ok if she wanted to just call it off? Looks like he’s asking her her to break it off cause he’s had enough. She had started to question his lack of commitment lately so that obviously sent him running to his next victim.

She hasn’t heard from him since. She’s absolutely heart broke and embarrassed and angry and all the emotions you can expect. It was her birthday yesterday :(

We had a long chat about it on Wednesday dissecting the situation and I suggested that he was living a double life and was probably on holiday with his wife and kids. She vehemently denied this and said that if I’d had a chance to meet him I’d know that he was genuine and that he really loved her… well I never met him, nobody did. He was very careful of that.

She said she needs to see him and hear his explanation or she will never get over this. She also said she feels in limbo… I mean I think this is pretty clearly the end but she doesn’t see it that way. She said she can’t promise not taking him back! I said I would make his life a misery if he ever set foot back in her world and give her a serious shake too.

So there we are. If this is the end I guess it could have been worse - nobody got physically hurt but I really think the emotional damage this evil man has done will be lifelong :(

Poor woman. I hope she eventually sees him for what he is. I bet if you met him you'd think he was lovely and seemed genuine as that's how these people are so good at duping people. I hope she doesn't take him back and meets someone lovely instead.

AchatAVendre · 20/08/2022 11:55

Unfortunately, what these types do is break down peoples' boundaries a little bit at a time so that their victim becomes completely hooked on the little attention they give them. Its a very successful psychological technique so its not surprising that your friend is behaving like this. Did she experience a childhood where a parent abandoned her or was very off/on in contact at all?

These types are also prone to doing disappearing acts too. I suspect the only reason that she has got some sort of explanation from him, rather than being cut off entirely, is because he wants to keep her on hold for further use in the future.

I wish women wouldn't condone the blocking/ignoring thing en masse when men behave like this too. In your friends' case its appropriate but not in all cases, because it really just makes life very easy for men to do these sort of behaviours as no explanation is every required from them and no holding to account ever occurs.

minticecreamisjustok · 20/08/2022 11:57

It's painful to read, obvious to everyone but her that he's a lying conman. I guess she has so much feelings for him she can't bear to think he doesn't feel the same for her. Perhaps deep down she does have a niggling doubt about the pathetic excuses and lies he comes up with but she won't see it until he's completely broken her.

Flowertop845 · 20/08/2022 12:10

Thanks for the update. How sad for your friend but she's well rid

Cloggyy · 20/08/2022 12:18

How sad. But we HAVE to know

notanothertakeaway · 20/08/2022 12:51

How awful for her, feeling so humiliated she couldn't even tell people he didn't turn up for the holiday

I wonder if she's ok with you starting / returning to this thread to tell strangers about her misfortune?