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Original poster

I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

548 replies

Maybeknights · 14/12/2021 20:34

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

  • The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
  • the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
  • I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
  • she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
  • he can’t book any time off work
  • he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
  • he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 17/12/2021 13:24

This might be a complete long shot but I used to be on a Facebook group for single women who on line dated I can't remember the name but could look it up and send it to you probably.

Basically it was for single women in the UK. People would share details of guys they had meet online, only name and area and info they had given them (so info like you've put in your op) but not personal stiff iyswim. Sometimes they would add photos but disguise the eyes as appropriate and see whether anyone else had come into contact with them.
Men like this (my guess s at best he is married and worse he is a financial scammer preying on vulnerable women) don't just do this once they do it over and over and use online dating sites to collect their victims.
It was unreal some of the information that used to come to light on that group. It was like an fbi team lol. Only thing is you have to be single to join, and they do check your fb page to confirm that. Is your other friend single.
Like I said, a long shot but worth a try if you're worried.
I don't date anymore but still single and stayed a member in case I ever need it ha ha ha.
Also if you know his name and sob you could submit a claires law request. Wouldn't tell you if he is married but if there is anything more sinister it may help.

Runciblespoonandaring · 17/12/2021 14:02

It doesn't add up. I know for a fact that in more sensitive roles, sometimes there are times when you can't have any communication devices on you. But you always leave your partner with a contact for emergencies. And when abroad there's a local contact number that will get a message to the person concerned. It's literally written into the risk assessment doc for each trip/project/whatever and you leave a copy of the relevant page at home.

In projects where you can stay in contact with home folk, that actually forms part of the official safety net.

This guy is talking utter rubbish. He's got a double life, or he's a fantasist.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 17/12/2021 17:45

@passthepesto

If you still have the phone number from when you were travelling, add it as a contact, open a new watsapp message to him and then click the profile. Use that picture then to do a reverse image search.... fingers crossed it's the same one as his linkedin profile for his job at tie rack....
I'd also wondered if you might still have the phone number from when she used your phone to contact him. If so - and assuming the number is still the same - is there any way you can make use of this information, OP?
IBelieveInAThingCalledScience · 17/12/2021 18:29

Isn't there a phenomenon called "Walter Mitty" by ex-service men.

I think there's even forums of ex-SAS who expose these people.

ellyeth · 17/12/2021 19:01

This sounds eerily like something that happened to a work colleague several years ago. The man she met said he had formerly had a senior position in the army. Someone in the office who had a military background thought the details he gave were suspicious and warned my colleague that this man was not as he seemed.

Anyway her warnings were ignored and a marriage took place. This man then proceeded to borrow lots of money from my work colleague which was never repaid and she ended up in a terrible financial position. Needless to say, the relationship broke down.

Poptasmagorical · 17/12/2021 21:10

@ALittleBitConfused1

This might be a complete long shot but I used to be on a Facebook group for single women who on line dated I can't remember the name but could look it up and send it to you probably. Basically it was for single women in the UK. People would share details of guys they had meet online, only name and area and info they had given them (so info like you've put in your op) but not personal stiff iyswim. Sometimes they would add photos but disguise the eyes as appropriate and see whether anyone else had come into contact with them. Men like this (my guess s at best he is married and worse he is a financial scammer preying on vulnerable women) don't just do this once they do it over and over and use online dating sites to collect their victims. It was unreal some of the information that used to come to light on that group. It was like an fbi team lol. Only thing is you have to be single to join, and they do check your fb page to confirm that. Is your other friend single. Like I said, a long shot but worth a try if you're worried. I don't date anymore but still single and stayed a member in case I ever need it ha ha ha. Also if you know his name and sob you could submit a claires law request. Wouldn't tell you if he is married but if there is anything more sinister it may help.
Definitely do this.

I've heard this very same story a couple of times and she's most definitely being used by a married man.

BlossomingTulip · 18/12/2021 01:04

Omg....poor her....she might even sell her flat with the dream of buying a home with him!!!

HappenstanceMarmite · 19/12/2021 10:22

ALittleBitConfused1

This might be a complete long shot but I used to be on a Facebook group for single women who on line dated I can't remember the name but could look it up and send it to you probably.

Please publish the name of that group here - or pm me if you prefer.

MackenCheese · 19/12/2021 10:36

He's definitely living a double life!

ProfessionalWeirdo · 19/12/2021 12:35

@HappenstanceMarmite

ALittleBitConfused1

This might be a complete long shot but I used to be on a Facebook group for single women who on line dated I can't remember the name but could look it up and send it to you probably.

Please publish the name of that group here - or pm me if you prefer.

Is this it?

www.facebook.com/groups/502010920177608

CateJW · 20/12/2021 23:09

He is either Special Forces or a dodgy conman, could be either...where is he based?
My OH is military and he cant book time of work, that is pretty standard. they get set leave and that is it.

CateJW · 20/12/2021 23:10

Also in 10 years I have never been to a military ball, only a couple families days and a medals parade...

Allsortsofroses · 20/12/2021 23:25

He is either Special Forces or a dodgy conman, could be either...where is he based?

Special forces are relatively tiny numbers.

Bullshitters and conmen are not.

The odds are clear.

CateJW · 21/12/2021 08:09

@Allsortsofroses conman is definitely most likely, but SF would also explain it, and since everyone on here is saying married, I figured I would put it out there. (I probably wouldn't if it was the actual women dating him who posted) If he is SF he shouldn't be giving any details to someone he is casually dating however, though there are definitely a few braggards that break that rule.
Also...Given a too sizeable portion of military men, he could also be both!!

RevolvingPivot · 21/12/2021 16:24

@CateJW

Also in 10 years I have never been to a military ball, only a couple families days and a medals parade...
Same here. In nearly16 years. No interest whatsoever x
HappenstanceMarmite · 24/12/2021 15:14

ProfessionalWeirdo

I don’t know if that is the group mentioned, but I’ve joined it 😁

LadyEloise1 · 24/12/2021 16:39

What are his Christmas plans @Maybeknights ?

Original poster
Maybeknights · 25/12/2021 08:45

@LadyEloise1he said he’d spend Christmas Day with her family.

First there was a covid outbreak in barracks so he wasn’t sure if he’d make it…

Then he was told he was on vaccine distribution duties all over the country and probably wouldn’t get the day off.

Then they saw each other on thursday.

Then yesterday (Christmas Eve) we said he’d tested positive for covid and is now on lockdown in his room with food being posted under his door for the next 10 days.

She is now spending Christmas Day alone as she’s afraid she has it and will pass it to her family Sad

I asked for a photo of his room as I was interested in what army barracks were like… haven’t received one.

It’s all just too sad. Have a lovely Christmas everyone

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 25/12/2021 08:55

Oh dear. How sad. Sad

MargosKaftan · 25/12/2021 09:03

Tell her to do a LFT and come to you.

Allsortsofroses · 25/12/2021 10:25

She is now spending Christmas Day alone as she’s afraid she has it and will pass it to her family sad

Lft's?? Confused

Allsortsofroses · 25/12/2021 10:31

I think you need to give your mate a copy of "True Lies".

Mumof3confused · 25/12/2021 11:09

He’s absolutely vile.

massiveblob · 25/12/2021 12:00

Double life

massiveblob · 25/12/2021 12:06

He's horrendously mean also with it. Tell her to LFT and join you yes

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