I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

[Maybeknights]

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

• The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
• the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
• I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
• she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
• he can’t book any time off work
• he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
• he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

@BertramLacey

Haven't read the whole thread so someone may have already said same as me he's married/got a family.

It's odd but actually no, after two days and 300 posts, no-one else had thought of that.

unless your being sacastic, i have said that this evening along with a few other posts

If your that worried could you not reach out to your local police and get him checked out using Clair's Law.

What regiment does he proclaim to be in?

No what does he say about the fact he apparently resigned last time?

pm any of us his name... And the name of the Regiment. Where does he say it is? Do you know his supposed rank? I also have Army adult offspring. Might ask if there is a global email list he can actually look on.

he’s full of shit. I worked with a women who’s husband used to work away a lot - turned out he was married with kids already and had been living a double life for 12 years! They do pick on vulnerable women. It would be worth doing a bit of digging - it would be awful 😞 f he scammed her out of her home or a huge lump of money. She might not thank you in the short term and it is sure to end in tears… at least you would have the measure of him

Really hope she sees the light sooner rather than later @Maybeknights. You sound like a lovely friend.

Even if he is what he says he is, it’s still a really shit booty call relatiionship, isn’t it. How sad that she doesn’t think she is worth more.

@ToffeeMamma this is a very good idea

I discovered the squadie I had been seeing was married when I googled his name and regiment and up the the published Valentines note in the Sun newspaper from his Darling Wife.......

This sounds so much like the scenario in Chasing Charlie, how the conman isolates his “new love” and then fleeces her before moving on.

www.chasingcharliepodcast.com/

If she’s infatuated you might not be able to do more than be there to catch her when the inevitable happens 💐

I read a book about a situation like this called Apple Tree Yard. The guy in it is just like this. Must be a super common play by these fantasists.

@Maybeknights

I don’t think he’s made up. She really isn’t the sort of person who would do that. She’s incredibly upfront and open and has been about her state of mind, loneliness, how she’s feels about men etc. When they were dating first time round we went travelling together for a few weeks and she lost her phone and used my phone to keep in touch with him so he definitely existed then.

This time round if she was going to make someone up I’d be very surprised for her to resurface someone that already had so many black marks against him… plus she’s getting a lot of UTIs lately if that make sense… I doubt that’s a lie too!

Don’t underestimate fantasists. They become so obsessed and delusional about their fantasy life. I’ve met women like this and it’s scary. They seemed so normal until the lies unravelled. The fact that no one has met the guy is a huge red flag… a red flag that your friend is lying.

@Maybeknights

Thanks everyone so much for your support and ideas. As I’ve said in a previous post if I didn’t have 2 babies and love so far away I’d stake out her house! I honestly think whatever I found would either drive a wedge between us or she simply wouldn’t believe it. As some of you have said already it seems as though she must know this is off in her heart of hearts but is willing to go along with it in exchange for the feeling of being wanted and not alone which is what makes this so frustrating and incredibly sad.

Myself and another friend who I have confided in have done as much digging as we can online and can’t find anything on him. I think he’s covered his backside pretty well.

I think as many of you have said, all I can do now is be as supportive as possible and be ready to pick up the pieces as much as that hurts. If anything develops that I’m worried will effect her financially or if I get a sniff of physical abuse I will call the police.

Is there any sneaky way to get his number some how and do a reverse search?

SHOW HER THIS!!!

unless your being sacastic

Well marriage was specifically mentioned in the third post after the OP and has been mentioned subsequently multiple times since, so yes, there is a good chance I was being sarcastic.

When you said they met online do you mean online dating? If you know the dating site set up a fake profile and try find him. It's likely your friend is not the only one he's hooking up with, you could message him and get him to engage in chat with you to suss him out? I mean, he won't tell you he's married obviously but you will at least know that he's a shyster!

I've had a liar too. Until you can put yourself into the position of someone who is lonely and too trusting, you will never be able to understand why these situations happen. It's far more plausible that the OP's friend has met a liar and fantasist than she has made up an imaginary partner. If you were going to make up an imaginary partner, you might invent a job miles away but you would never make up a sister who lived locally.

I don't think the OP will find him on social media or even dating sites. It's not really realistic that the OP could actually follow him home, even if she could. The OP's friend has probably asked him if he is involved with someone else. He is probably a good liar - or good enough to get away with his lies for a while. She probably knows deep down that the relationship will go nowhere.

You seem like a really good friend Maybenights. I think you are right to concentrate on being supportive and to advise her against doing anything that could have serious consequences, like getting pregnant or buying a property with him. The overwhelming likelihood is that she will eventually see through him.

@BertramLacey

Haven't read the whole thread so someone may have already said same as me he's married/got a family.

It's odd but actually no, after two days and 300 posts, no-one else had thought of that.

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

My ds is in the army. Home tomorrow for 3 weeks. Army camp is closing over Xmas!! What does he claim he does /where is he based?

Army barracks are closed for 3 weeks over Christmas and have been for the past 10 years since they figured out it was cheaper to close them than it was to heat them.

Definitely sounds dodgy. I 100% agree he’s not what he seems. Try and stop your friend giving him any money or moving house or she’ll end up with nothing. If it was me I’d try and do as much investigation on this man as possible to prove he’s lying.

Oh wow. Your poor friend. Im sure it will fizzle out soon. She's in denial at the moment and it's been a hard year for single people

But yes, most people would have sent him
Packing

She should listen to this

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b007lz6n

Sounds like a double life to me, could ruin your friends life. If you had the money, I would be tempted to get a private investigator or could you speak to her family who could take this on?

Google Mark Acklom

She's being duped plainly - you have to do something, maybe a quiet gentle chat, some questions, so that at least you know you tried when he really harms her. Which he will do - him being married with kids maybe be the least bad scenario - and let her know that you aren't judging her and whatever happens you will be there for her when the sh*t hits the fan - she's very unlucky to have met one of these dangerous men

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you to care for them. If he is the real deal and he cares for her, then he will have ensured that she has contact numbers for being able to get messages through to him in an emergency and he will tell her when he is working and how long it will be for. As an official partner she would likely be invited to functions and for nights out with his colleagues / their partners, plus access to Padre / support. She will have seen where he lives when not working and be introduced to family or at least provided with their contact details for emergencies.