I’ve NC for this.
The short story is, I have 3 kids (6, 8 and 10). Married 10 years, together 15, friends before that. Very lovely husband who pulls his weight around the house and very hands on dad.
The thing is, we are great friends but I can’t stand the thought of having sex with my husband anymore. It hasn’t been great ever since our first one was born and it has been getting progressively work. Different levels of sex drives, different wants, him asking me to do various things I don’t want (nothing awful but for example wants me to wear stockings etc occasionally even though I hate it). He has also been keeping tabs (actually keeping a record) of how often we have sex but only intercourse ‘counts’. Also keeping tabs on my cycle so he knows when he needs to have sex with me before having to wait a few days. He knows this drives me up the wall but did not actually stop keeping this record until I booked us a relationship counsellor. He also would comment about wanting sex every time he’d see me naked in the shower or walking past half dressed, only ever complimentary but actually this would make me feel a bit harassed. If he didn’t get sex for 3-4 days he’d get a bit tense/moody/struggle to sleep and even though he’d say nothing, I’d always know it’s because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. Also he does not seem to want to DIY it, it felt like a chore in the end or my responsibility. This has led to me losing all desire for him and in fact I don’t think I’ll be able to find it again, despite trying to work through things in counselling.
The other issue I have is that he leaves almost all ‘mental load’ responsibilities to me. He cannot organise, plan, fix, repair anything. When we need a new car I sort that, when something breaks at home it’s up to me to fix or get someone in to sort. Whether it’s something at home that needs fixing, finances, etc he categorically cannot do it. He’s just useless at it, so even if he takes on a task, I have to check he’s got it right. And no, it’s not just my standards being high. He actually seems incapable on so many levels, even though he has a good job with responsibilities so he clearly can do some things.
He does deal with things at home such as bins, some cleaning, a lot of the cooking and buying food, as well as the kids sporting clubs (organises, books, sometimes takes them). But in many ways he does feel like having an extra child because I can’t trust him to help me manage the mental load. I think he’s perhaps one of those people that is quite creative me very intelligent but lacks all common sense.
He also does not seem to notice me much, as in the real me. I’m independent and rarely need much emotional support but if/when I do, it’s like he doesn’t notice me or that I am struggling. He has also failed to stand up for me in situations involving certain family members of his in the past.
I realise I’m rambling but I’m writing in a rush. Basically I feel he needs to grow a bit of a back bone. Yes it’s my fault for marrying someone who I know is quite placid and laid back, certainly more of a metrosexual than manly man. But he was kind and I had not had many kind partners before him. And I knew he’d make a great dad, he’d be always faithful, and he adored me - he still does (or he adores the perfect image of me that he has created in his mind).
We have three children and people are often told on Mumsnet to stay for the sake of the children. I don’t know if that is something that is possible for us in the long run. I feel our relationship is not one of equals but I may be able to live with this. I could probably also live without sex but I don’t think he would agree to this. And even if he did, it seems like a slippery slope and the inevitable thing that would happen is one of us would eventually fall into an affair and then everything would blow up.
I am sure that I can’t fancy him again, regardless of how much therapy we have. I am repulsed by him. But he is an attractive man and I do believe that someone else would probably adore him and he does deserve that.
What would you do? Is it ok to leave a man who is kind, a good dad, pulls his weight around the house, but that you feel only friendly feelings for?