Leaving husband or stay for the children?

[Mumof3confused]

I’ve NC for this.

The short story is, I have 3 kids (6, 8 and 10). Married 10 years, together 15, friends before that. Very lovely husband who pulls his weight around the house and very hands on dad.

The thing is, we are great friends but I can’t stand the thought of having sex with my husband anymore. It hasn’t been great ever since our first one was born and it has been getting progressively work. Different levels of sex drives, different wants, him asking me to do various things I don’t want (nothing awful but for example wants me to wear stockings etc occasionally even though I hate it). He has also been keeping tabs (actually keeping a record) of how often we have sex but only intercourse ‘counts’. Also keeping tabs on my cycle so he knows when he needs to have sex with me before having to wait a few days. He knows this drives me up the wall but did not actually stop keeping this record until I booked us a relationship counsellor. He also would comment about wanting sex every time he’d see me naked in the shower or walking past half dressed, only ever complimentary but actually this would make me feel a bit harassed. If he didn’t get sex for 3-4 days he’d get a bit tense/moody/struggle to sleep and even though he’d say nothing, I’d always know it’s because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. Also he does not seem to want to DIY it, it felt like a chore in the end or my responsibility. This has led to me losing all desire for him and in fact I don’t think I’ll be able to find it again, despite trying to work through things in counselling.

The other issue I have is that he leaves almost all ‘mental load’ responsibilities to me. He cannot organise, plan, fix, repair anything. When we need a new car I sort that, when something breaks at home it’s up to me to fix or get someone in to sort. Whether it’s something at home that needs fixing, finances, etc he categorically cannot do it. He’s just useless at it, so even if he takes on a task, I have to check he’s got it right. And no, it’s not just my standards being high. He actually seems incapable on so many levels, even though he has a good job with responsibilities so he clearly can do some things.

He does deal with things at home such as bins, some cleaning, a lot of the cooking and buying food, as well as the kids sporting clubs (organises, books, sometimes takes them). But in many ways he does feel like having an extra child because I can’t trust him to help me manage the mental load. I think he’s perhaps one of those people that is quite creative me very intelligent but lacks all common sense.

He also does not seem to notice me much, as in the real me. I’m independent and rarely need much emotional support but if/when I do, it’s like he doesn’t notice me or that I am struggling. He has also failed to stand up for me in situations involving certain family members of his in the past.

I realise I’m rambling but I’m writing in a rush. Basically I feel he needs to grow a bit of a back bone. Yes it’s my fault for marrying someone who I know is quite placid and laid back, certainly more of a metrosexual than manly man. But he was kind and I had not had many kind partners before him. And I knew he’d make a great dad, he’d be always faithful, and he adored me - he still does (or he adores the perfect image of me that he has created in his mind).

We have three children and people are often told on Mumsnet to stay for the sake of the children. I don’t know if that is something that is possible for us in the long run. I feel our relationship is not one of equals but I may be able to live with this. I could probably also live without sex but I don’t think he would agree to this. And even if he did, it seems like a slippery slope and the inevitable thing that would happen is one of us would eventually fall into an affair and then everything would blow up.

I am sure that I can’t fancy him again, regardless of how much therapy we have. I am repulsed by him. But he is an attractive man and I do believe that someone else would probably adore him and he does deserve that.

What would you do? Is it ok to leave a man who is kind, a good dad, pulls his weight around the house, but that you feel only friendly feelings for?

There is a lot of research done on children suffering after divorce but not much done on how they suffer when the parents are still together but in toxic relationships.

Personally, I think if I had stayed with my ex for the sake of my child, my child would be totally emotionally destroyed and would have a very very warped idea of what a good relationship is.
Instead he has had a healthy happy childhood, it is not perfect but the best option of two bad ones. He is not the only one in that situation, with marriages surviving only 50% of the time being a kid with divorced parents does not carry the same stigma it carried in the past.

One thing I have learned after years of being divorced is that women never stayed for the sake of the children, they stay because they are afraid of change and/or of having their disposable income reduced.

With this I am not saying you should live your nasty husband straight away but set yourself to change the situation NOW, set up a deadline and if things don’t change by then, leave.

Leave not live.

OP in my experience you cannot get the desire back once it's gone. My STBXH used to keep tabs on my tampon box and count when I took one out. As soon as I stopped taking them out he would pester me for sex. I always used to wonder how he knew as my periods are a little irregular. Then I clocked it.

@PeriodHacker wow. Did you divorce because of him being a sex pest?

@layladomino he has accepted that certain things are not ok (logging sex, overstepping mark messaging female ‘friend’) but the rest he seems to put down to being a bit useless and having low confidence/me having unreasonable expectations

@PicsInRed I knew him when he was with his ex (and the one before that). She treated him really badly and behaved very oddly around us (his friends). Extremely jealous etc.

@MizzFizz you are right, I should note over complicate this.

@AttilaTheMeerkat perhaps he did ‘target’ me, he saw how poorly I was treated in my past relationships as we were friends for years before getting together.

@GrandmasCat that makes a lot of sense about the research. I’m certainly not afraid of change but the children have been through a lot with lockdown as well as other things that have been going on (moving back and forth). I would like to create stability for them.

Looking back, I wished my dad would have divorced my awful mum. I don’t think I would have understood it as a child, and she would definitely have tried to turn me against him, but as an adult I think he would have had the chance of so much more happiness. I need to apply that to my own situation too. Although, I’d have had to live with my mum permanently due to his working hours and it would have been hell for me. Perhaps he stayed for my sake, and for that I would be very grateful.

I recognise your story, I'm a few years further down the line with it all though. Finish it, for you, for the kids and tor him too. It will be difficult but the difficulty will pass and you guys can get on with your lives. You can have peace ( and maybe find a partner who meets your needs better) and he can find someone with a similar sex drive.
Once you hit the repulsion stage, the desire never returns. End it nicely, letting him know it is in his best interests too as you will never be able to meet his needs and he deserves to be happy, as do you.
That's the line you take and don't back down no matter what he says. He will get over it too but it will be very hard for him to lose you at first.
Do it for your kids, they deserve to grow up with happy parents and good examples of adult relationships.
Good luck.

@Mumof3confused That and a myriad of other controlling behaviours that I didn't realise were abnormal as we'd been together so long I just thought that's how most marriages are. 💐

As an aside..... I tried something the other day and it bloody worked (I didn't mean what I said at all) but I said 'you know, people will think you are really noble if you can leave this marriage amicably'. It was the word 'noble' that did it. He honest to god visibly puffed up and stood up straight and said 'you're right, I AM NOBLE. And since then the process has been a little less like hell. You've got to imagine you are talking to a vindictive little child and what you would say to them to make them feel better about themselves to work in your favour.

@Mumof3confused You already have quite a few responses and I do not have anything extra to add. But I thought I should chime in anyway.

I think that deep inside you know what you need to do and that is why you are here. I always say that people with happy marriages do not come to MN to complain. The fact that you are here already says that the marriage is in crises. What you need is not for us to tell you whether or not you are right to leave your husband, you are here for support, like most of us are or were at one point in our lives.

The fact is, only you know where you are at right now. As you can see from all the responses here, people are different, and every person would react differently to the situation you are in. Some would think it is nothing, some would lose their minds over it. Only you know how this man, this marriage makes you feel and whether or not you want to stick around. Listen to your instincts, they will tell you everything you need to know. Are you happy or miserable? Are you willing to spend next 10 years of your life with this man, or 20, or 30?

I agree absolutely with this post by @AttilaTheMeerkat :
Divorce, in and of itself, need not be harmful to children. It is the adversarial and contentious process of divorce, if continued, that may wreak damage. Yet research indicates that most children adapt to their new circumstances within a few years. Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

The good divorce — one in which parents focus on the wellbeing of the children — is becoming more commonplace and is certainly a goal. Either way, for the sake of the children, we should either commit to making our marriages the best they can be. And if we can’t succeed in that endeavor, we should demonstrate lovingly to our kids that we all deserve happiness, even at the cost of divorcing

Good luck OP and keep posting. It really does help.

@SpeedRunParent thank you this gives me hope.

@PeriodHacker I think l also have been conditioned to believe some things are just normal. That is excellent advice. I will make a note of that.

@freeatlast2021 it’s the thought of 10, 20, 30 years down the line that fills me with dread. Whilst the kids are little I can keep busy and distracted but once they are gone, I can’t stand the thought of just the two of us at home together. Thank you for your kind words. It really is helping.

OP children suffer during a divorce due to a relationship breakdown. The breakdown has occurred regardless of if you go through a divorce or not. It’s a symptom, not a cause.

[quote Mumof3confused]@PicsInRed I’m not wary or frightened. He’s really harmless and actually could do with growing a back bone.

@femfemlicious he has had an app keeping track of my period for years. It then transpired that he’s also been keeping tabs of intercourse and comparing it month for month, he then brought up the fact that we didn’t have enough sex and used that info as ‘proof’. He would only log intercourse, not if I pleasured him in other ways. Made me feel like crap and it took about 3 years of me saying I hate that he logs it, until he actually stopped when I had actually gone on sex strike and booked us into couples counselling. He thought buying me more and more sex toys was the answer to the problem.

We’ve been away, we’ve brought the toys, had long sessions in bed…I can manage it if I’ve had a drink. In fact that’s what I used to end up doing, have a drink and then sex got a bit easier. I actually find him off putting. I think there’s too much water under the bridge.

I know what you are saying, though. I’d have to do lots more than I already am. But I can’t keep him just because he fulfils a role as a part time housekeeper![/quote]
These aops make money (usually) by selling data. Did you give him permission to share your medical history with a company like this? Probably not.

Have you considered that they tossing & turning in bed could be deliberate. That he will passively aggressively try to prevent you from falling asleep until he gets what he wants?

@EarthSight I think you are SPOT ON with the tossing and turning. And I know this because I had similar.

@EarthSight I’m not sure if he put my personal data in to this or a fake profile. He never asked me if it was ok to set it up.

Of course it could have been deliberate but he seemed to be quite unaware of the tension he created and the huffing and puffing as well.

Just wondering, did he used to help more with admin type tasks but you argued a lot about what was right so he gave up and left it to you? Also do you follow him around like a shadow moving cups, closing cupboard doors, remaking beds etc. I succumbed to that and it was a big mistake. Respect lost.

This is an instance where I think brutal honesty with your husband is the best thing. Just show him what you’ve written on here. Then decide between you what’s the best thing for the family.

I have been thinking similar, I’m in the same boat, thinking about leaving for a long time and now getting my head round it. I have been worried what the break up would do for DS. However, I’m now realising after reading lots of replies on this forum that carrying on a marriage with a lazy, selfish, thoughtless man who thinks of me as his maid, never mind the sexless marriage and more, is hugely damaging to my DS. I don’t want him to grow up thinking it’s OK to treat women like that. Roll on the new year and I’m leaving after almost 25 years of marriage.
I’d say you’re better off without this guy.

Sexwise though, whatever reason you have for not wanting sex is valid, but you have to make it known. Otherwise you're to blame too.

I have not followed him around and expected him to do things to my standards, I’m very wary of that and have gritted my teeth a lot to avoid having that sort of dynamic.

As for the sex he does know, I have told him, but I’m not sure he really understands where I’m coming from.

It really has been quite a nice holiday with us all enjoying Christmas at home. It feels very sad to think of how different it might be next year with the kids being split between us. We are not affectionate or intimate but day to day everything runs smoothly. It’s hard to make the break when there isn’t some ‘big’ reason and I find myself again thinking maybe the problem is me, and why can’t I just be happy with how things are. Perhaps working really hard on it is the right thing to do…in all honesty my heart has not been in it during our counselling sessions. Will I regret throwing it all away? How will I know if/when I’ve tried hard enough?

All I can add to this is.. do not leave your children. Take them with you

@Anordinarymum

All I can add to this is.. do not leave your children. Take them with you

Of course I am not leaving them. I hope to be able to stay in the family home if at all possible. I’m the one they come home to every day after school, I don’t plan for that to change.

You just don't fancy him. You cherry picked his good qualities and are now blaming him for what he's not, never was and never will be. It all sounds bad through your lense but as you say he may be suited to someone else. He'd be mortified if he saw all this about him. Strap on a pair and leave him instead of calling him repulsive to strangers. You only live once. If you don't act, this situation will turn you in to someone you don't like, bitter, resentful and spiteful. As the other person said, you can't go back from repulsive (or whatever you called him). I'm in same situation so I know. I once caught a look on my other half's face and thought she thinks I'm repulsive. After reading you lot, I was probably right.

@Soggymarshmellows

Sounds like my life... I am getting divorced. Kids are now happier we are getting it sorted. They're not stupid and they pick up on these things. Your DH is controlling you. Its subtle but there.

How are you getting on? I think I am also going to have to separate. We are having counselling but I think it’s a waste of time.

@Soggymarshmellows sorry should have tagged you above

@Fluffybird

Oh, OP I could have written this post. I'm in a very similar situation, including the horrible keeping track of sex frequency and the passive 'hopeless at admin/organising/housework' bollocks. Like you, I've been seeing a counsellor (though not couples counselling) and it is just making me angrier. I don't know what to suggest. I feel trapped as my eldest daughter has issues with mental health and I worry that breaking up the family will cause her to get worse and I couldn't live with that. Just sending you some solidarity as I know exactly how you feel

@Fluffybird how are you getting on?