Leaving husband or stay for the children?

[Mumof3confused]

I’ve NC for this.

The short story is, I have 3 kids (6, 8 and 10). Married 10 years, together 15, friends before that. Very lovely husband who pulls his weight around the house and very hands on dad.

The thing is, we are great friends but I can’t stand the thought of having sex with my husband anymore. It hasn’t been great ever since our first one was born and it has been getting progressively work. Different levels of sex drives, different wants, him asking me to do various things I don’t want (nothing awful but for example wants me to wear stockings etc occasionally even though I hate it). He has also been keeping tabs (actually keeping a record) of how often we have sex but only intercourse ‘counts’. Also keeping tabs on my cycle so he knows when he needs to have sex with me before having to wait a few days. He knows this drives me up the wall but did not actually stop keeping this record until I booked us a relationship counsellor. He also would comment about wanting sex every time he’d see me naked in the shower or walking past half dressed, only ever complimentary but actually this would make me feel a bit harassed. If he didn’t get sex for 3-4 days he’d get a bit tense/moody/struggle to sleep and even though he’d say nothing, I’d always know it’s because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. Also he does not seem to want to DIY it, it felt like a chore in the end or my responsibility. This has led to me losing all desire for him and in fact I don’t think I’ll be able to find it again, despite trying to work through things in counselling.

The other issue I have is that he leaves almost all ‘mental load’ responsibilities to me. He cannot organise, plan, fix, repair anything. When we need a new car I sort that, when something breaks at home it’s up to me to fix or get someone in to sort. Whether it’s something at home that needs fixing, finances, etc he categorically cannot do it. He’s just useless at it, so even if he takes on a task, I have to check he’s got it right. And no, it’s not just my standards being high. He actually seems incapable on so many levels, even though he has a good job with responsibilities so he clearly can do some things.

He does deal with things at home such as bins, some cleaning, a lot of the cooking and buying food, as well as the kids sporting clubs (organises, books, sometimes takes them). But in many ways he does feel like having an extra child because I can’t trust him to help me manage the mental load. I think he’s perhaps one of those people that is quite creative me very intelligent but lacks all common sense.

He also does not seem to notice me much, as in the real me. I’m independent and rarely need much emotional support but if/when I do, it’s like he doesn’t notice me or that I am struggling. He has also failed to stand up for me in situations involving certain family members of his in the past.

I realise I’m rambling but I’m writing in a rush. Basically I feel he needs to grow a bit of a back bone. Yes it’s my fault for marrying someone who I know is quite placid and laid back, certainly more of a metrosexual than manly man. But he was kind and I had not had many kind partners before him. And I knew he’d make a great dad, he’d be always faithful, and he adored me - he still does (or he adores the perfect image of me that he has created in his mind).

We have three children and people are often told on Mumsnet to stay for the sake of the children. I don’t know if that is something that is possible for us in the long run. I feel our relationship is not one of equals but I may be able to live with this. I could probably also live without sex but I don’t think he would agree to this. And even if he did, it seems like a slippery slope and the inevitable thing that would happen is one of us would eventually fall into an affair and then everything would blow up.

I am sure that I can’t fancy him again, regardless of how much therapy we have. I am repulsed by him. But he is an attractive man and I do believe that someone else would probably adore him and he does deserve that.

What would you do? Is it ok to leave a man who is kind, a good dad, pulls his weight around the house, but that you feel only friendly feelings for?

I haven't read every reply sorry, so apologies if this has been said:

But in many ways he does feel like having an extra child because I can’t trust him to help me manage the mental load.

I know this might sound glib but it's true at a very deep level: If you genuinely feel like you are taking care of/managing for your husband in a way that is similar to caring for a child, then it is 100 percent normal and healthy to feel repulsed by the idea of having sex with him.

Adult women are sexually attracted to adult men who operate on the same level of psychological, emotional and practical capability as them. Not men who require looking after and managing like a child.

@Mumof3confused are you on any hormonal contraception? E.g pill, coil, patch. These can affect women's sex drive/desire.

The relationship doesn't sound unsalveable at all. The grass is nearly always never greener either. If you split, don't assume that it will be better if you date other men. A lot of available men after a certain age are divorced/separated and a lot of that will be due to their own behaviours that led to relationship breakdown. You might just be taking on another woman's previous problems!

@Mumof3confused thanks for asking, just trying to get on with it. Think I should make an effort to save the relationship then I can say I have tried. We've been together a long time. But to be honest I am struggling to find the will, as I feel I am a changed person. For example I used to be happy to go along with things for the sake of harmony and not rocking the boat. It probably made the relationship work better than it should. I'm much more intolerant now, and resentful of things. I'm veering between desperately wanting to leave and hoping my feelings will change and I'll be happy staying. It's not good for my mental health. Hope you are doing ok x

"I think I should make an effort to save the relationship then I can say I have tried. We've been together a long time".

But there is really nothing to rescue and or save here and besides which it takes two to make a relationship. And try for whom; your children are not going to say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him. You are further showing them that this treatment of you by him is still acceptable to you on some level. Your last sentence is no reason to be staying with him either; a bad investment is not going to suddenly come good. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs like so many people do.

Oh goodness. I literally could have written this. All of it! Did you reach a decision yet? I hope things work out for you. Its such a difficult position. Im desperate to leave but the thought of hurting my kids breaks my heart. I thought i could stick it out but forever is feeling like such a long time now. Sending you support and love and hoping we both can find a way through.

@Mumof3confused

I honestly don’t think the kids have any clue, there isn’t tension day to day. We are very good friends - for me there are no other feelings other than friendship. Obviously this could change but I genuinely don’t think the children are noticing that we don’t hug/kiss anymore.

As for role modelling a relationship of equals, that is one thing that plays on my mind. What are they learning from this.

How can you be 'good friends' with a man like that?

He's revolting

(and lazy)

@Mam2colli I’m so sorry to hear that. Yes we have decided to separate. I’ve had counselling on my own and we’ve had couples counselling too. Just like @Fluffybird it made me angrier. It has taken me a while to get my head round how f*d up some of the things he has been doing really are. I was too close to see it, I think it has become my ‘normal’ but by opening up to friends I’ve been able to see clearly now.

I have battled with myself so much about the children. I dread the impact on them. But I cannot live a lie, and asking them to live through that would be worse for them. Both of my counsellors are very clear that you should never stay together for the children, and that is based on their extensive work with young kids. The other thing that I keep coming back to is the fact that I can never have an intimate relationship with my husband again. I just can’t. I have lost all respect and desire for him. If we stay together it can only end badly, with one or both of us ending up in an affair.

Have you had any counselling? I really would recommend it.

He sounds repulsive
Your children deserve to see
Their mum be happy

How are you doing @Mumof3confused ? I have been on the periphery reading and empathising with you at every stage. I tried to separate in December but didn't do a very good job of it. H cited mental health and has started counselling, I relented and said we could cohabit & coparenting only while he gets his head together. Bitterly regretting it now. Financial implications have paralysed me really. No family here etc but I do know these are sunk costs I need to get over. DS adores his father but I am So unhappy and feel I have regressed terribly. My heart is with everyone going through this. Know I have to be my own hero, just so drained and exhausted by it all. Sending love 💕

I'm so sorry what you're going through OP. I

Have you told the DC? Do you think he will step up and be a good dad and is happy to co-parent?

I want to separate myself but too scared about impact on children. I know everyone always says you must never stay for the kids - but what if you aren't comfortable with the idea of leaving kids with ExH by himself? I see so many posts on here about years of arguing over the DC and then being used as weapons and I can't stand the thought of it

Anyway - I'm so sorry for what youre going through and your strength is amazing. You're taking your happiness into your own hands.

I’m so sorry to hear of others going through the same. We have not told the DC and I am dreading it. I keep faltering but then I always keep coming back to the fact that we all deserve to live in a happy household, my husband included. I don’t want to look back on this in 5ths future and wish I had had the courage to do what I know is best for us all. Our couples counsellor has lots of experience in working with children and she had a very strong opinion about staying for the kids - she has said that under no circumstances should you do this. I’ve also spoken to friends whose parents split but left it too long and they speak of the confusion and mental health implications of living with the unspoken. As children pick up on the energy but won’t know/understand what’s wrong, they internalise it and blame themselves or feel there’s somehow something wrong with them.

My husband is angling to stay in the house but separate which I refuse to do. He also wants to try nesting which I also would hate. I’ve my mind made up and sadly it means selling the house which is what I really didn’t want to do for the sake of stability for the children, but sadly it’s what we will have to do. Sadly, neither of us have any family nearby.

I also have no family here and financially I feel stuck but I do have a job, I don’t think it would do my mental health much good to stay for financial reasons but of course everyone’s situation is different. I am lucky that we have a large amount of equity in the house.

I also have no worries about his commitment of capabilities as a father, he is very hands on with them and he does not have one of those jobs which keeps him late at work. It would surprise me if he tried to use the children against me, he’s a very good dad. If he was not, the decision would be much harder so you have my sympathies @Cliche87 as this must be incredibly difficult.

@findthecourage your DC will be picking up on your sadness as much as you try to hide it, they are energetic creatures. You might find that it works in your husband’s favour to take a long time to get over his depression.

Where to start?
this will be a blurt it out job, apologies in advance for jumping around. It feels like a big step to me to write this and ask
for help.
Married 10 years, 2 children (9,6). 9 year okd
being assessed for ASD and anxiety and tics. adding that only as he particularly finds
change/uncertainty harder than his sister.
My husband is an alcoholic. Dry for many years but relapsed when our daughter was born. Looking back there were many signs he was struggling but he hid them well and I was naive so it came
as a huge shock. He relapsed a month before
her birth and again when she was 3
months old, this time more seriously and police got involved. He went to rehab and came home 6
months later. It wasn’t really a conscious decision as I just felt utterly broken. I had a colicky baby, confused 3 year old missing daddy and had post-partum sepsis and was physically exhausted. He came back and we sort of just made do and mend (unhealthy I know). He had a lot of therapy in rehab, I had none and just looked after the babies. I think I resent that.
fast forward to now and we have a dsyfunctional relationship I think. We don’t have sex (the thought makes me feel sick) and when we do it’s because he wants to. After the kids I put on weight and he made it clear he found it unattractive and I lost it all but the fact he found me unattractive has stayed with me and had an impact on my self esteem. I think it’s fair to say I stopped seeing him as my rock / best friend /safe place when he relapsed and have limped on since then.
we had an argument over something silly 3
weeks ago and he slapped me, not hard but he slapped me. said he feels frustrated with lack of sex and my constant focus on the kids and not on him at all. The slap is not ok ; his complaint I overfocus on the kids is fair. I’m over protective.
he has said wants to make it work. i do too but I think probably too much water has gone under the
Bridge. But I’m so scared. he is the main earner, I’m not very qualified and while I do work part time around school hours my wage isn’t much. We’d have to sell the house, I’d have to move to another area that is more
affordable, the kids would need to move
school which for
my
eldest would be so hard emotionally. I just don’t know how to make the figures add up and feel scared and Responible
for turning everything upside down with no real means to give them a good life. The opposite.,
in my lowest moments I think it would
all be easier if I wasn’t here and thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind which is so horrible.
i am quite on my own as became quite introverted after the relapse and don’t have any good friends and have no family near me.
i don’t even know what I’m asking. It felt good to share this though so thank you for reading It

I’m so sorry I meant to post
this separately after being inspired / feeling brave after reading this
thread. Didn’t mean to hijack this. Very proud of you for taking the decision to separate and wish you every best wish in your new home with your children x

Where to start? Think I need to leave but feel so trapped

this will be a blurt it out job, apologies in advance for jumping around. It feels like a big step to me to write this and ask
for help.
Married 10 years, 2 children (9,6). 9 year okd
being assessed for ASD and anxiety and tics. adding that only as he particularly finds
change/uncertainty harder than his sister.

My husband is an alcoholic. Dry for many years but relapsed when our daughter was born. Looking back there were many signs he was struggling but he hid them well and I was naive so it came
as a huge shock. He relapsed a month before
her birth and again when she was 3
months old, this time more seriously and police got involved. He went to rehab and came home 6
months later. It wasn’t really a conscious decision as I just felt utterly broken. I had a colicky baby, confused 3 year old missing daddy and had post-partum sepsis and was physically exhausted. He came back and we sort of just made do and mend (unhealthy I know). He had a lot of therapy in rehab, I had none and just looked after the babies. I think I resent that.
fast forward to now and we have a dsyfunctional relationship I think. We don’t have sex (the thought makes me feel sick) and when we do it’s because he wants to. After the kids I put on weight and he made it clear he found it unattractive and I lost it all but the fact he found me unattractive has stayed with me and had an impact on my self esteem. I think it’s fair to say I stopped seeing him as my rock / best friend /safe place when he relapsed and have limped on since then.
we had an argument over something silly 3
weeks ago and he slapped me, not hard but he slapped me. said he feels frustrated with lack of sex and my constant focus on the kids and not on him at all. The slap is not ok ; his complaint I overfocus on the kids is fair. I’m over protective.

he has said wants to make it work. i do too but I think probably too much water has gone under the
Bridge. But I’m so scared. he is the main earner, I’m not very qualified and while I do work part time around school hours my wage isn’t much. We’d have to sell the house, I’d have to move to another area that is more
affordable, the kids would need to move
school which for
my
eldest would be so hard emotionally. I just don’t know how to make the figures add up and feel scared and Responible
for turning everything upside down with no real means to give them a good life. The opposite.,

in my lowest moments I think it would
all be easier if I wasn’t here and thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind which is so horrible.
i am quite on my own as became quite introverted after the relapse and don’t have any good friends and have no family near me.
i don’t even know what I’m asking. It felt good to share this though so thank you for reading It

That is abuse, even verging on rape, guilt tripping someone to have sex against their wishes is abhorrent. Is there any time you can get hold of his phone & email yourself a copy of these notes? This can be the basis of your divorce, because you can be sure as hell that he will use them against you if you decide to leave him. Look at what an example you are being to your dc, that you have to be subservient to a man & do just what he wants. I would move in to the spare room as a start or make him sleep on the sofa & tell him if he wants sex he can look elsewhere for it & don't do anything you don't want to. If you move to the spare room of make him sleep on the sofa, get a lock for the bedroom door so he can't pester you at night. In all honesty I would end the marriage, my exh was like your dh & I began to think there something wrong with me because I didn't want sex with him, my marriage ended & I met someone else, guess what, I couldn't get enough sex, I loved it, what I didn't love was being pestered by a sex pest.

Sorry I didn't see that you have separated, well done, at least you can relax now you aren't being pestered. Don't let this stop you from thinking about another relationship, not all men are like your exh.

@wobblymum1 your situation sounds so difficult 😔I think you should re-post it under your own thread, on the Relationships board but as a new post. Hopefully more people will see it - currently it is tacked on the end of someone else's old thread and I don't think many people will read that far unless they are "watching" the thread. Good luck.

He has also been keeping tabs (actually keeping a record) of how often we have sex but only intercourse ‘counts’. Also keeping tabs on my cycle so he knows when he needs to have sex with me before having to wait a few days.

Here is just one of the reasons I ended my 20 year relationship. No children so less to be concerned about than you, but this was just horrible.

Hey @wobblymum1 I’m sorry to read that you are going through such a tough time. I would absolutely leave him. You and your children will be much happier without him around the house. I know that financially it will be difficult but if you can manage to do it, you will feel so much better. Your son with anxiety and tics will find the change unsettling but very likely your home situation is exacerbating his symptoms and might well improve once you are able to focus on him fully without also focusing your energy on managing your partner.

Please reach out to your GP and talk to them about your suicidal thoughts and also your situation at home. They can help. Also contact www.womensaid.org.uk who have experience in helping women in your situation.

Is there anyone at work that you can open up to? Or a family member or old friend?

An update on my situation, we are almost done with the divorce, sold our beautiful home, and will hopefully be moving next month. I worried about telling the kids but after the initial shock which was awful, they seem genuinely ok. I am so relieved and happy that it’s all happening. My husband turned in to a money-grabbing dick during divorce negotiations. I feel I have seen him for who he is now, and had a very lucky escape. I feel so free and really positive about the future.

Well done you

You have been so brave OP, so pleased that you are moving forward.

Glad your children are doing well too.

Not surprised that he suddenly wasn't so ditzy and was a dick about money.

I hope you have stood up to him.

Has he moved out?

He hasn’t moved out but we have sold the house and both moving out in a few weeks

Time to get the DC excited about their new homes

I think you won't know yourself OP!🥳

I am really glad to have managed to (almost) shake off the dead weight. And of course once I actually started telling friends about how he has been treating me they were quite shocked. I don’t know how I didn’t see it clearly before.