Leaving husband or stay for the children?

[Mumof3confused]

I’ve NC for this.

The short story is, I have 3 kids (6, 8 and 10). Married 10 years, together 15, friends before that. Very lovely husband who pulls his weight around the house and very hands on dad.

The thing is, we are great friends but I can’t stand the thought of having sex with my husband anymore. It hasn’t been great ever since our first one was born and it has been getting progressively work. Different levels of sex drives, different wants, him asking me to do various things I don’t want (nothing awful but for example wants me to wear stockings etc occasionally even though I hate it). He has also been keeping tabs (actually keeping a record) of how often we have sex but only intercourse ‘counts’. Also keeping tabs on my cycle so he knows when he needs to have sex with me before having to wait a few days. He knows this drives me up the wall but did not actually stop keeping this record until I booked us a relationship counsellor. He also would comment about wanting sex every time he’d see me naked in the shower or walking past half dressed, only ever complimentary but actually this would make me feel a bit harassed. If he didn’t get sex for 3-4 days he’d get a bit tense/moody/struggle to sleep and even though he’d say nothing, I’d always know it’s because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. Also he does not seem to want to DIY it, it felt like a chore in the end or my responsibility. This has led to me losing all desire for him and in fact I don’t think I’ll be able to find it again, despite trying to work through things in counselling.

The other issue I have is that he leaves almost all ‘mental load’ responsibilities to me. He cannot organise, plan, fix, repair anything. When we need a new car I sort that, when something breaks at home it’s up to me to fix or get someone in to sort. Whether it’s something at home that needs fixing, finances, etc he categorically cannot do it. He’s just useless at it, so even if he takes on a task, I have to check he’s got it right. And no, it’s not just my standards being high. He actually seems incapable on so many levels, even though he has a good job with responsibilities so he clearly can do some things.

He does deal with things at home such as bins, some cleaning, a lot of the cooking and buying food, as well as the kids sporting clubs (organises, books, sometimes takes them). But in many ways he does feel like having an extra child because I can’t trust him to help me manage the mental load. I think he’s perhaps one of those people that is quite creative me very intelligent but lacks all common sense.

He also does not seem to notice me much, as in the real me. I’m independent and rarely need much emotional support but if/when I do, it’s like he doesn’t notice me or that I am struggling. He has also failed to stand up for me in situations involving certain family members of his in the past.

I realise I’m rambling but I’m writing in a rush. Basically I feel he needs to grow a bit of a back bone. Yes it’s my fault for marrying someone who I know is quite placid and laid back, certainly more of a metrosexual than manly man. But he was kind and I had not had many kind partners before him. And I knew he’d make a great dad, he’d be always faithful, and he adored me - he still does (or he adores the perfect image of me that he has created in his mind).

We have three children and people are often told on Mumsnet to stay for the sake of the children. I don’t know if that is something that is possible for us in the long run. I feel our relationship is not one of equals but I may be able to live with this. I could probably also live without sex but I don’t think he would agree to this. And even if he did, it seems like a slippery slope and the inevitable thing that would happen is one of us would eventually fall into an affair and then everything would blow up.

I am sure that I can’t fancy him again, regardless of how much therapy we have. I am repulsed by him. But he is an attractive man and I do believe that someone else would probably adore him and he does deserve that.

What would you do? Is it ok to leave a man who is kind, a good dad, pulls his weight around the house, but that you feel only friendly feelings for?

Great to hear and all the best going forward into your new life! Come back and tell us when you’re settled and living free!

That's great news OP

people are often told on Mumsnet to stay for the sake of the children

Actually, I'd say the reverse is true. Particularly by adults who have never recovered from the effect of their parents staying together when they should have split up, for whatever reason. Children will not thrive if one or both of their parents are unhappy.

Any help/advice would be appreciated.
im in a relationship with a lovely, kind, generous and romantic man. We have two very small children together. 2 and 1. Our relationship has always been based on more of a really good friendship. I guess I never fell head over heals. I can already imagine the question, well why did you continue but the simple answer was I had been single since my teens and thought it would just never happen for me.
since having children I’ve found myself in a similar situation to this with regards to the sorting. I have a third child. Incapable of making calls, sorting household repair jobs, sorting any finances or even phoning the doctors/childminders for our kids.
he’s never had to be financially responsible as I had a house when he met me. And now we have one together it’s everyone else’s job to sort out any diy jobs. My dad is a hands on man, can do pretty much everything and has tried to show him time and time again, but he said he’s just not interested in learning. But then continues asking my dad for “Favours” when things are going wrong. He will never say no because he thinks of me. Although frustrating I’ve just gotten on with this. He’s not a sex pest, he’s very emotionally present which is what drew me to him but he’s just vanilla.
when I was heavily pregnant he got sacked, I stuck by him and said I couldn’t go through it again especially with a family to provide for. Less than 2 years and 2 children down the line we are here again. He managed to get 2 disciplinarys in the space of 2 weeks in august and he’s finally now just got the boot. In the time that’s passed he’s not been proactive about sorting himself out/finding a new job. He’s now at home again and don’t get me wrong I’m not having to lift a finger. But I have 2 children who I adore, a stressful job and I’m now working longer hours to provide and missing out on my kids because of him. I’m resentful towards him and have no respect for him.
he’s a good person, a good friend and a good father but I just worry I will spend the next 20 years of my life “plodding” if I stay with someone who isn’t putting the same effort into our family life as I am.

My kids were neither up or down when I left my ex, they were 8 and 2.
The youngest is now 17 and neither have suffered as a result.

It is a daunting thought, uprooting kids and starting again but the day I left and turned the key in the door of our new home a huge weight was lifted, it was an amazing feeling.

Idk. Depends on your priorities really. It doesn’t sound great but how happy will you be only having your children every other Christmas/ birthday/ new year/ special occasion? Only seeing them 50 percent of a working week? If he gets another woman ( usually younger) how would you feel about them going on holidays and days out together? Him having more children with someone else? You might be the kind of person that doesn’t mind and quite happy to have the break from the kids but I’d hate all that far more than the stuff you’re dealing with. If you’re not fighting I’d probably just hang in there until the kids are older. People on here are very gung-ho when advising on these posts.

The prospect of him moving on and having a new family doesn’t upset me, not even having new children. But yes missing out on the special occasions in my childrens lives does. In an ideal world we would continue being friends and both be present for those occasions. But I know we don’t live in an ideal world and I know he may not be as willing to cooperate as I am. This is one of the main reasons why I’m torn. I’m scared of trading the negative of his lack of effort for the negative of not having my kids around me all the time. It’s the lesser of two evils. I guess essentially that is my question. Maybe your right @Smearywindowsagain

osed

I think it would be wise to start your very own thread.

Given what you've already written about him, potentially staying until your kids are older (how old?) would be the very worst thing you could do for them or for you. You have stood by this frankly irresponsible man and in doing so for no good reason he continues to drag both you and his children down with him. How can you call him a good friend, a good dad and a good father given what he has done?. He's done a right number on you, he really has. You got a deadbeat man who has and will continue to sponge and otherwise leech off you.

Do you also think that he would actually want to see his children half the week too; in all likelihood he would not as he sees them as your job.

"He cannot organise, plan, fix, repair anything. When we need a new car I sort that, when something breaks at home it’s up to me to fix or get someone in to sort. Whether it’s something at home that needs fixing, finances, etc he categorically cannot do it".

This was me! I divorced him, so much happier now. Nothing more put me off a man or having sex with him than all the above. Apart from all the above he was also crap in bed. I am in a relationship now with a chippie, he can hang doors, and do stuff . He is gorgeous!

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat i have set up a new thread now.

Could you live with an open relationship? It sounds like your feelings for him are more of a good friend than a wife so maybe this could be a possibility? Not something I’d enter into without counselling, and a counsellor who is experienced in this particular field. I think it’s unrealistic and inhumane to expect him to live without sex because you don’t fancy him. An open relationship may give you the answer you are seeking of whether to stay or go. It doesn’t have to be open on his side only, you could date too and it may give you the vision to decide if the grass is greener (or not).

It does something to a person when their parter doesn’t want them sexually (I know). Men’s hormones are strong drivers and this weird controlling behaviour could be because he is obsessing over something very important to him.

Perhaps you have taken on a more responsible role because he hasn’t stepped up and now it’s become a pattern, the norm. Just tell him the next time something comes up that you’d like him to take on that task, and then step back and watch what happens. If it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done and he’ll have to live with that too.

Good luck x

@luluw41 thank you so much for your post. I think this is something I could do and live with but I’m not sure about him. He’s still very much invested in our relationship and seeks to repair that rather than the root of our problems being his unwillingness to “step up”. I also worry what impact an open relationship would have on our children.
I have tried numerous times to leave him tasks to no avail. He either leaves it so close to the wire that I sort it as it’s not done or comes to me in a couple of days with should I do.
it’s a vicious cycle.
its a possibility to discuss this with him and maybe one I should I explore.

OP ignore the posters trying to convince you that your husband is coercively controlling or abusing you. Some posters would say that about literally any man but brush of the same exact thing in women.

That out the way, your husband doesn’t sound ideal with his period tracking (weird af) which makes me think he doesn’t have the greatest people skills (neurodivergent?) but my question is has he changed? If not, then the same man who Joe repulses you you once found attractive enough to have kids with.

Again not saying he’s perfect or even particularly good but often this happens to women after a period of being with a man for a long time, you have to realise that this may well happen to you with literally any man, no matter who he is.

Secondly, although you will hear all over Mumsnet that divorce is best for kids and they get to see mum happy and fully loved (because what kid doesn’t dream about seeing their mum fully loved by some man other than their father right?) this is often not the case at all. Yes they will probably manage, but thinking your divorce will make your kids happier in the long or short term is usually wishful thinking down by those who identify with the one who wants the divorce.

As far as you divorcing you father being a positive example for your kids - again it’s really not so simple. It could be, or daughters if you have any could feel they have no male figure in their lives and develop bad relationships with men in future and sons could think “well Mum fell out of love with dad and left so the same will happen to me” and get a chip on their shoulder against women.
I personally question whether women divorcing because their husband isn’t up to standard is creating a generation of better husbands - or is it creating a generation of angry young men of the type to get sucked into alt right or man centric internet thingies?

Anyway, do as you wish. But be aware that divorce isn’t this cakewalk for a lot of kids posters paint it as and you may find as another poster said about her Mom - that you are simply unable to maintain long term desire for any man in the long term. Many women can’t.

@luluw41

The man who would be happy with his wife suggesting an open relationship is probably one in a million. Why is this even suggested as a viable solution on here? It’s not real world advice

@ReeceWitherfork

Replies on this forum are written by the women who identify with you. Your son may not see it the way they do. He may resent you and think “look how Mum has treated dad by kicking him out” and may develop a negative attitude toward women but not for the reasons you think.

The “divorce is best for kids” advice is given by women on this forum to women like yourself who basically want their own decision validated. It’s hardly an impartial forum and you just know that.

If you want to know how your son would react to your divorce surely it would be better to ask teen boys or men whose mothers divorced their fathers - not Mumsnet.

@SkeetyLola

‘One in a million.’ I suggest you might very well be surprised.

Lol yes, would suggest that there are only three or four people willing to consider an open relationship in the entire country I live in haha

Lol where exactly do you live? I suggest it’s rather naive of you to imagine such arrangements don’t exist behind closed doors. The term is informed non monogamy and it really is a thing (all around the world). Even here on Mumsnet!