Leaving husband or stay for the children?

[Mumof3confused]

I’ve NC for this.

The short story is, I have 3 kids (6, 8 and 10). Married 10 years, together 15, friends before that. Very lovely husband who pulls his weight around the house and very hands on dad.

The thing is, we are great friends but I can’t stand the thought of having sex with my husband anymore. It hasn’t been great ever since our first one was born and it has been getting progressively work. Different levels of sex drives, different wants, him asking me to do various things I don’t want (nothing awful but for example wants me to wear stockings etc occasionally even though I hate it). He has also been keeping tabs (actually keeping a record) of how often we have sex but only intercourse ‘counts’. Also keeping tabs on my cycle so he knows when he needs to have sex with me before having to wait a few days. He knows this drives me up the wall but did not actually stop keeping this record until I booked us a relationship counsellor. He also would comment about wanting sex every time he’d see me naked in the shower or walking past half dressed, only ever complimentary but actually this would make me feel a bit harassed. If he didn’t get sex for 3-4 days he’d get a bit tense/moody/struggle to sleep and even though he’d say nothing, I’d always know it’s because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. Also he does not seem to want to DIY it, it felt like a chore in the end or my responsibility. This has led to me losing all desire for him and in fact I don’t think I’ll be able to find it again, despite trying to work through things in counselling.

The other issue I have is that he leaves almost all ‘mental load’ responsibilities to me. He cannot organise, plan, fix, repair anything. When we need a new car I sort that, when something breaks at home it’s up to me to fix or get someone in to sort. Whether it’s something at home that needs fixing, finances, etc he categorically cannot do it. He’s just useless at it, so even if he takes on a task, I have to check he’s got it right. And no, it’s not just my standards being high. He actually seems incapable on so many levels, even though he has a good job with responsibilities so he clearly can do some things.

He does deal with things at home such as bins, some cleaning, a lot of the cooking and buying food, as well as the kids sporting clubs (organises, books, sometimes takes them). But in many ways he does feel like having an extra child because I can’t trust him to help me manage the mental load. I think he’s perhaps one of those people that is quite creative me very intelligent but lacks all common sense.

He also does not seem to notice me much, as in the real me. I’m independent and rarely need much emotional support but if/when I do, it’s like he doesn’t notice me or that I am struggling. He has also failed to stand up for me in situations involving certain family members of his in the past.

I realise I’m rambling but I’m writing in a rush. Basically I feel he needs to grow a bit of a back bone. Yes it’s my fault for marrying someone who I know is quite placid and laid back, certainly more of a metrosexual than manly man. But he was kind and I had not had many kind partners before him. And I knew he’d make a great dad, he’d be always faithful, and he adored me - he still does (or he adores the perfect image of me that he has created in his mind).

We have three children and people are often told on Mumsnet to stay for the sake of the children. I don’t know if that is something that is possible for us in the long run. I feel our relationship is not one of equals but I may be able to live with this. I could probably also live without sex but I don’t think he would agree to this. And even if he did, it seems like a slippery slope and the inevitable thing that would happen is one of us would eventually fall into an affair and then everything would blow up.

I am sure that I can’t fancy him again, regardless of how much therapy we have. I am repulsed by him. But he is an attractive man and I do believe that someone else would probably adore him and he does deserve that.

What would you do? Is it ok to leave a man who is kind, a good dad, pulls his weight around the house, but that you feel only friendly feelings for?

@Mumof3confused

You are so right. My parents were not good role models in that respect and I also have a history of bad/ abusive relationships so husband was very ‘safe’ and perfect on paper.

This is such a great opportunity to break that cycle. What an empowering thing to do! And a legacy to give to your kids.

Your husband is fucking horrendous. I can't believe you're still with him. He's vile.

It is not divorce that damages children, but being immersed in the toxic environment of an unhappy home and witnessing all the drama that happens just before the split.

The kids would be happier growing with two separated but happy parents, than growing up in a progressively toxic environment having their idea of relationships modelled around one that is not working.

And there is something you need to be aware of. Once that you have been “programmed” for years to keep your controlling husband happy, you will find it very difficult to come out of that dynamic even when it doesn’t make any sense. At that time you need to keep your mind in check and ensure you let your head, not your heart, rule.

Every person who has lived with a truly controlling person can tell you that no matter how far they go to put themselves first, and hurt you and the kids of the process, your first thoughts will always be about what he needs and how the things may be affecting him. At that time you need to remember to put your kids and yourself first because, simply put, nobody else will.

Oh, OP I could have written this post. I'm in a very similar situation, including the horrible keeping track of sex frequency and the passive 'hopeless at admin/organising/housework' bollocks.
Like you, I've been seeing a counsellor (though not couples counselling) and it is just making me angrier. I don't know what to suggest. I feel trapped as my eldest daughter has issues with mental health and I worry that breaking up the family will cause her to get worse and I couldn't live with that. Just sending you some solidarity as I know exactly how you feel

Oh my lord, that counting chart and needy infantile approach to sex, would make my clitoris shrivel, retract and evaporate.

How does he not get how unattractive this all makes him?!

He's sounds way too childish, basic (I'm guessing from your post you're far more intelligent than him) and unsophisticated for you.

The kids will be fine, you sound smart enough to navigate this to a good outcome for all.

@Fluffybird oh gosh it does sound like we’re living parallel lives! I did see a therapist alone before suggesting couples counselling. I actually thought it was a problem of mine before. To everyone else he looks like the perfect husband, and we are the golden couple. I think the counselling opened my eyes to the fact his behaviour is quite child like and you can’t be attracted to a child.

@LondonSouth28 I think he gets it now that I’ve spelled it out to him, well you’d hope so at least. He’s very intelligent, has a masters, well read, but lacks common sense when it comes to anything practical.

He sees the practical side of life as your job and your job alone because he is too busy and or important to do that as a Man. He’s perfectly capable of doing those things but he does not want to.

I’ve never seen anyone on here told to stay for the kids, I’ve only ever seen the opposite.
The sooner you leave the more you will hopefully get in settlement, as your children are young.
Get your ducks in a row and see a family solicitor about a divorce.

Hmmm.. You called him repulsive so I think it is divorce time.. However I read your posts and I can't see any signs of controlling behaviour whatsoever. He kept his records but he hasn't shared them with you.. He doesn't sulk when he doesn't have sex. You made an assumption (even if it is correct) that he suffers because of sex and it is your problem. There is nothing in your posts that suggests he pesters you for sex. As for looking at you admiringly after the shower.. If you haven't found him repulsive you might have taken a different view on the situation. Some women like it being admired.
Concentrate on working though divorce and Co-parenting.

Very lovely husband who pulls his weight around the house and very hands on dad

He doesn't sound very lovely or pull his weight. He sounds like a sex pest who leaves all the 'adulting' to you. Nothing more unattractive than a man who is acting like a hormonal, incompetent teenager

Sex drives often lead to tension, but keeping records and getting missy about it will never help the situation. My dh has a higher sex drive than me, but he's kind and patient and doesn't pester which leads to more intimacy than it would if he pestered me.

Op, I was in exactly the same position 18 months ago. I hadn't fancied my husband for years but we actually got on fine in the house with the kids. Lots of laughs and nice holidays. I just didn't want sex and that was a big issue for him. he wanted to go and see a councillor as he was saying it was effecting his self esteem. He had put on a lot of weight and I felt like I would be backed in to a corner.

So after a particularly heated loaded row ( which was rare) we spilt. He moved out.My parents thought I was bonkers for letting him go, mum said to me she hadn't fancied dad for over 30 years but she was happy with other aspects of her life.

My youngest missed him terribly ( and still does, cries out for him in her sleep even though she actually see him most days as he his very hands on)

I have really struggled to find balance with work, the kids and the house. The house is a mess all the time as I am just shattered all the time. Money is OK but no where near the level we had when we were together.

He started seeing some one online with in months but it fizzled out quick. I was devastated at the fact he had moved on so quick, I honestly didn't think I would care.

We still get on great and are actually spending xmas together. I often find myself driving to work thinking 'WTF have I done" "Do I want him back?' "could we work". other days I feel like I did the right thing.

I dont feel like I can move on as he is here most days either looking after the kids whilst I work or picking them up from school. I can't ever see my dc accepting me bringing in another man. My eldest would have a nervous breakdown. So it looks like this is it for me now, single till the kids are way older. I can't imagine myself in another relationship either. I took a lot of shit on the chin to make sure the kids were not effected, probably too much and I felt so damaged by the whole thing.

So whilst easy to say LTB the reality of actually taking your family though it is not so easy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think he just thinks I’m better at it, and he lacks the confidence.

@GoodnightGrandma I assumed people would jump in and say it’s better for the kids to have a stable home life and that I shouldn’t jump ship because I’m not happy with my sex life.

@Iwonder08 the thought of sex with him repulses me, looking at him objectively I actually think he’s quite attractive. Hard to explain. I’m also not sure about him being controlling. He does huff and puff when he doesn’t get sex. He told me that once he decided to ‘wait it out’ ie wait for me to initiate. He cracked after 2.5 weeks and the way he said it made it sound as though that was a completely outrageous amount of time. The thing is, I am the main earner and work way more hours than him, as well as being here for the kids every day after school. He has a really easy job and lots of time for sport etc but he does not take into account what pressure I’m under, and that this may impact my libido. I’m fact I now don’t think there’s anything wrong with my libido, I just don’t want it with him. You are right, I always felt I should be flattered by his admiring and wistful glances but it feels suffocating instead. If I go for a bath he’ll come in and sit next to the bath for a ‘chat’ but then also looks at my body longingly. I started locking the door in the end, I need my space and rest.

@flytomars thank you for sharing your story. This is what I worry about. My husband is hands on, too. I have a very busy job and no way of taking a step back if I am going to finance everything on my own where we live - very affluent area. I really want to keep as much stability as possible for the children. We have no family nearby either. I did at one point think my husband had started an emotional affair - I saw messages which were definitely overly friendly signed off with ‘xxx’ - but he maintains it’s innocent. When I found them, I felt relief. I thought that was my way out. I think that must be quite telling. Can the children not stay at your ExH’s place some of the time to give you a breather? Also, it doesn’t sound like a clean break if he’s around all of the time? I’ve considered what a new relationship might look like, and I think it would have to be on my days ‘off’ from the kids for a significant amount of time.

As a small example, we have a sick child at home at the moment who is very demanding. I am out of my mind with work related stress. Husband has gone to play sport, leaving me to deal with child while trying to get through mountain of work.

He is confident enough in himself. He sees all the mental load, childcare and housework as your roles and your roles alone because he is too important and or the Big Man to do this. And besides which he does not want to.

This man has put his sport ahead of his own child and their current ill health.

Please seriously consider obtaining legal advice asap with a view to separation and divorce. I would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme as this can be done online. I also note without much surprise that you've had a history of bad and otherwise abusive relationships too along with poor parental role models. You need to rebuild your life as well as your child's without him in it day to day.

Your boundaries, skewed as they have been by both poor parental example and prior abusive relationships, are also further being eroded by this individual whom you also describe as "hands on". How is he at all hands on when he has left you this morning to deal with your unwell child and a mountain of work?. He is not is he?. Denial is a powerful force too.

Sorry OP.

You are a MUG.

Doing it all.
Paying for it all.

Living with a sex pest that huffs and puffs.

He sounds repulsive.

A sick child and he's gone to play sport.

I'd lock the door behind him.

You are a MUG accepting such selfish, lazy bullshit.

Some men will give you as much crap as you will take.

You for some reason are allowing him to take the piss and make an awful gobshite out of you.

Get rid.

Would you want your children as adults to be in a relationship or marriage like yours?. No you would not, you would say you want better for them. I would urge you to prove that fully by both word and deed.

What do you want to teach your DC about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Kids are better coming from a broken home than living in one.

But at the end of the day it's your choice OP.

@RainbowZebraWarrior

Never 'stay' for the kids. They will pick up on the misery and it will stay with them for life.

This a thousand times over - I am the child of a couple who should have divorced but didn't

I'm surprised U have managed to stay this long. Nothing more unsexy than a sex pest and that's what he sounds like. Going all moody if he doesn't get it, making comments etc.

What would you do? Is it ok to leave a man who is kind, a good dad, pulls his weight around the house, but that you feel only friendly feelings for?

Let's break this down.

Is it ok to leave a man who is kind

He's not kind, he's sexually coercive, a bully really.

a good dad

A good dad does not bully and sexually coerce the mother of the children. A happy and healthy mother is in the best interests of the children, and sexual coercion and bullying works against that goal. Not a good dad.

pulls his weight around the house

If you have to take care of all admin and solve all problems, he isn't pulling his weight.

but that you feel only friendly feelings for?

Do you feel friendly feelings, or are you wary or even frightened of him? If an actual friend treated you like this, wouldnt you end the friendship, on the basis that they were no longer a friend, but were in fact mistreating you?

For me, i would try to work things out. Nobody is perfect. Im sure there are things about you that your husband is not happy about. Your marriage doesnt sound bad to me. People always call men "controlling" on here. In any relationship there is always some level of what can be called controlling with both parties. He likes sex and he communicates that...really what is so wrong with that?. He was keeping tabs on her periods and when she communicated that she doesnt want him to he stopped. No one is perfect.

OP have you tried maybe spendibg time together without the kids? Maybe going away for a week together to try yo find each other again.for me i would do everything possible to save this marriage. Just imagine all the things he does now , you will have to do by yourself.

I should say, child is at home self isolating but not actually sick. But he’s put sport before me for sure. It comes before everything, it seems. During lockdown he did all home schooling and cooking, I was under enormous pressure again with work. He was way more helpful than most men so I feel it’s a bit unfair to say he doesn’t pull his weight, he does.

I will look up the freedom programme, I have never heard of it.

I’ve never had a great relationship if I’m honest. I thought this was great, but I think now that it’s only ‘great’ when I bend over backwards to please him.

Is it that hard to understand why I’ve stayed this long? We have three children, a house, finances, dreams, family, friends all tangled up. And he’s a nice guy. At least I have always thought so, and that I should be so grateful to have him. It’s just this undercurrent of actually quite subtle hints that things aren’t so great.

[quote Mumof3confused]@AttilaTheMeerkat I think he just thinks I’m better at it, and he lacks the confidence.

@GoodnightGrandma I assumed people would jump in and say it’s better for the kids to have a stable home life and that I shouldn’t jump ship because I’m not happy with my sex life.

@Iwonder08 the thought of sex with him repulses me, looking at him objectively I actually think he’s quite attractive. Hard to explain. I’m also not sure about him being controlling. He does huff and puff when he doesn’t get sex. He told me that once he decided to ‘wait it out’ ie wait for me to initiate. He cracked after 2.5 weeks and the way he said it made it sound as though that was a completely outrageous amount of time. The thing is, I am the main earner and work way more hours than him, as well as being here for the kids every day after school. He has a really easy job and lots of time for sport etc but he does not take into account what pressure I’m under, and that this may impact my libido. I’m fact I now don’t think there’s anything wrong with my libido, I just don’t want it with him. You are right, I always felt I should be flattered by his admiring and wistful glances but it feels suffocating instead. If I go for a bath he’ll come in and sit next to the bath for a ‘chat’ but then also looks at my body longingly. I started locking the door in the end, I need my space and rest.

@flytomars thank you for sharing your story. This is what I worry about. My husband is hands on, too. I have a very busy job and no way of taking a step back if I am going to finance everything on my own where we live - very affluent area. I really want to keep as much stability as possible for the children. We have no family nearby either. I did at one point think my husband had started an emotional affair - I saw messages which were definitely overly friendly signed off with ‘xxx’ - but he maintains it’s innocent. When I found them, I felt relief. I thought that was my way out. I think that must be quite telling. Can the children not stay at your ExH’s place some of the time to give you a breather? Also, it doesn’t sound like a clean break if he’s around all of the time? I’ve considered what a new relationship might look like, and I think it would have to be on my days ‘off’ from the kids for a significant amount of time.[/quote]
Okk please disregard everything i said...i hadnt read the entire thread and hadnt seen this!. APOLOGIES...please do not flame me!.

Poster!. Please proceed to divorce IMMEDIATELY!