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Original poster

Getting fed up of being a secret

235 replies

Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:14

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

I have been seeing someone now since beginning of September. We both have one child each, mine 3yrs and his 6yrs.

He is still currently married although the separated early this year. She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him.

She doesn’t know about me yet, which I am fine with as she would probably go mad and make things difficult, but the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling odd about things. Many people, including his friends and even his boss has told him that he needs to get the ball rolling with the divorce now, he was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would do it. I am getting fed up now with being a secret. I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path. He was at my house last night and she was texting him telling him their son wouldn’t settle and was going crazy at her, he was worried that she was going to take it upon herself to bring him back and would then discover his works van wasn’t there, he then said that he would just have to tell her he was out on a job.

I can understand why he is doing this at the moment but I can’t carry on like it much longer. I have spoken to him about seeking advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce, he said that he would wait until after Christmas now, so I have now said that it’s up to him what he does, but if he hasn’t made an initial call by the end of January I am gone. The problem is, he is absolutely terrified of her.

I know I have given the end of January as a deadline, but I don’t even know if I will be able to last that long. She wants them to go on holiday next year too, I don’t think I am going to be able to deal with that. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable. I am fairly sure that he will be going to her parents house for Christmas Day too because of their son. I know this sounds dodgy, but I do know that they are separated and living apart so it’s not a case of that. I also know that he has no feelings for her at all anymore so he isn’t delaying the divorce for this reason. He is just scared of her reaction as she has been violent in the past.

Do I wait until January? Bring it up now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 21:12

I would add those are week days too.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 21:14

@youvegottenminuteslynn

The trouble is, what the hell do I say about it?

He's just a bloke you've been dating, largely in secret, for a few months.

Stop giving this so much power and being passive.

"I've been thinking and this relationship isn't working for me so I think best we both focus on ourselves. Ive made my mind up so hope you can respect my decision - I think a clean break is best. All the best."

Done. And don't get into a back and forth with him where he says he'll do xyz / tell her etc. Because he would only be doing it as his hand has been forced. Which sounds like his default setting, as your mutual friend explained when she said he'd never have left if the ex hadn't, he'd have just bumbled along.

Want more for yourself. And for your child.

It's completely reasonable to just text him ending it, you're not asking a long term partner for a divorce!

Would you feel able to send a message like the one I suggested OP?

Then you could have this madness over by Christmas and enjoy it with your little one, without this hanging over you!

2bazookas · 14/12/2021 21:16

You sound very gullible :-(

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 21:18

He has just messaged asking if everything is okay because I have been distant today. I am trying to think of a response. I want space if anything, but that will offend him I think. And I don’t want to put him on the spot and make things difficult for him. I don’t want to end it and shut the door completely on it. But I can’t carry on like this either and I don’t want to force his hand and make his life difficult.

OP posts:
IgneousRock · 14/12/2021 21:19

You only see him on weekdays? Why not at the weekend?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 21:25

"To be honest I've felt a bit overwhelmed recently and have been focusing too much on what's going on with us - I would like some space to think about what I want from the next year. In the meantime I think we should both enjoy our Christmas with the kids and catch up again in the new year. I hope you have a nice one with (son), speak to you after Christmas."

Something like that?

IamGusFring · 14/12/2021 21:28

@Pippitypopp

He has just messaged asking if everything is okay because I have been distant today. I am trying to think of a response. I want space if anything, but that will offend him I think. And I don’t want to put him on the spot and make things difficult for him. I don’t want to end it and shut the door completely on it. But I can’t carry on like this either and I don’t want to force his hand and make his life difficult.
That will offend him ? You don't want to make things difficult for him ?

What on earth are you going on about ? You deserve better !

IamGusFring · 14/12/2021 21:29

@youvegottenminuteslynn

"To be honest I've felt a bit overwhelmed recently and have been focusing too much on what's going on with us - I would like some space to think about what I want from the next year. In the meantime I think we should both enjoy our Christmas with the kids and catch up again in the new year. I hope you have a nice one with (son), speak to you after Christmas."

Something like that?

This is good and let's face it @Pippitypopp that's what is more or less going to happen anyway as he is spending most of it with HIS WIFE!
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 21:37

@IgneousRock

You only see him on weekdays? Why not at the weekend?
He has his son all weekend, every weekend
OP posts:
whistleryukon · 14/12/2021 21:45

Mark my words, OP. You stay with him (despite the fact you're not even 'with him' because this is not a relationship) and I promise you that you will regret it. You will look back and feel completely embarrassed and will want to jump back through time and shake yourself. This whole situation is so demeaning. I'm embarrassed for you. Even if he were to now tell you everything that you want to hear and openly date you (read that back actually, doesn't it upset you that that's all you're going to him cap in hand for) it wouldn't be enough. It's too late. You need to pay attention to what you have learned from him so far because you are going to get more of the same.

MsDogLady · 14/12/2021 21:48

I want space if anything, but that will offend him I think. And I don’t want to put him on the spot and make things difficult for him.

Yet he doesn’t mind offending and humiliating you. This is a very unequal relationship, OP.

The thing is, even if he files for divorce, his codependence with her will not suddenly stop. His priority is pleasing her and always will be. Why on earth would you even consider a life where you are forever secondary to another woman?

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 21:56

He has replied asking what specifically. Not sure what to say without sounding like a crazy nutter.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 21:57

@Pippitypopp

He has replied asking what specifically. Not sure what to say without sounding like a crazy nutter.
What did you say to him in the original message?
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 22:00

In my original message i said that I was as the situation is getting me down to be honest. So he asked what specifically. I can’t reel off off, well the fact I’m a secret still, the fact he’s planning on going on holiday with ex, the fact that he allows her to walk into his house all the time. I don’t want to stop all this because I said so. Also I want to take back the deadline in January and make him aware it isn’t for me to give a deadline, he needs to do it in his own time.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 22:04

@Pippitypopp

In my original message i said that I was as the situation is getting me down to be honest. So he asked what specifically. I can’t reel off off, well the fact I’m a secret still, the fact he’s planning on going on holiday with ex, the fact that he allows her to walk into his house all the time. I don’t want to stop all this because I said so. Also I want to take back the deadline in January and make him aware it isn’t for me to give a deadline, he needs to do it in his own time.
You sound ever so passive OP. Someone asking you for specifics doesn't mean you have to provide them. And even if you did, it wouldn't matter if he felt they were 'acceptable' reasons or not. You're in control of your own decisions and you sound like you're a people pleaser to the extent it's really unhealthy. Even if he's asked specifics, I would still send something like:

"I've felt a bit overwhelmed in general recently and have been focusing too much on what's going on with us - I would like some space to think about what I want from the next year. In the meantime I think we should both enjoy our Christmas with the kids and catch up again in the new year. I hope you have a nice one with (son), speak to you after Christmas."

MsDogLady · 14/12/2021 22:08

So you said all of this to him? How did he respond?

MsDogLady · 14/12/2021 22:13

Ok, I understand now. He asked what specifically, but you haven’t answered him yet.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 14/12/2021 22:13

Why can't you "reel off" those points? They're valid points and are how you are feeling.

JetBlackSteed · 14/12/2021 22:22

OP, I'm in Northern Ireland so excuse me if the law is different where you live.
When a married couple split and live in separate houses, they aren't legally "separated".
Their finances are meshed together, and unless very amicable, need a solicitor or court to resolve.
Getting legally separated from a marriage, short of a divorce requires a solicitor.
Any chance your beau is keeping you secret because if not separated his ex can file for adultery which he will pay divorce costs for?

billy1966 · 14/12/2021 22:31

OP,

You are so focused on him, his needs, his ex, his life.

Kindly but you REALLY need to focus on yourself and what is going on with YOU.

Your self esteem and respect must be on the floor to be creeping around like someone's dirty.

Why would you allow this.

He sounds like a terrified, weak man who can't believe his luck that he has found someone who will put up with his bullshit.

Send the text, end it.

Do some work on yourself and find some self respect.

You deserve better than this.

You will ALWAYS be on the back foot, as he is a terrified of upsetting her.

Unbelievable that anyone would accept this treatment.Flowers

NowEvenBetter · 14/12/2021 22:41

It’s like talking to a brick wall, OP isn’t interested in replies, just dragging out her lovers little dramas.

Stepmonstera · 14/12/2021 22:52

The trouble is, what the hell do I say about it?

"This isn't working for me, i wish you well, see ya".

Sweetlikejollof · 14/12/2021 22:57

@Yummypumpkin

Healthy people don't put up with intolerable situations giving some future deadline for change.

They remove themselves from the situation.

No ultimatums. No threats. They remove themselves from a situation.

What will have changed? If you can't walk away now it will only get harder, and the chances of reconciling are blown.

If you don't like it, say so, end it.

You can't control his actions in the way you are acting now.

If you actually stop complaining g, cajoling, interrogating and threatening and act...he will know you are a woman to be taken seriously.

All of this end of January stuff...doesn't wash.

Yup. I suspect she’s not going to listen to this, though.
MountainAshley · 14/12/2021 23:34

It sounds like he's said he wants a baby with you because that's a way to keep you dangling. He probably thinks that's what you want, so it's a carrot. Meanwhile, he gets time to see if he can win her back.

A simple text saying "This non-relationship isn't making me happy. I won't be continuing with it any longer. Good luck for the future." That's all that this needs. Then ignore all the crap that will follow.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/12/2021 23:44

I don’t want to stop all this (that he's doing) because I said so

It wouldn't matter if you did, OP - he deletes her messages, remember? - so he'd most likely just carry on and lie to you, just as he's almost certainly lied about her being "crazy and scary"

Anyway you said that you "don’t want to end it and shut the door completely on it" and naturally that's completely your choice to make - but you're really not helping yourself here, and if you're not ready to make changes there seems little point in moaning about the status quo