Getting fed up of being a secret

[Pippitypopp]

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

I have been seeing someone now since beginning of September. We both have one child each, mine 3yrs and his 6yrs.

He is still currently married although the separated early this year. She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him.

She doesn’t know about me yet, which I am fine with as she would probably go mad and make things difficult, but the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling odd about things. Many people, including his friends and even his boss has told him that he needs to get the ball rolling with the divorce now, he was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would do it. I am getting fed up now with being a secret. I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path. He was at my house last night and she was texting him telling him their son wouldn’t settle and was going crazy at her, he was worried that she was going to take it upon herself to bring him back and would then discover his works van wasn’t there, he then said that he would just have to tell her he was out on a job.

I can understand why he is doing this at the moment but I can’t carry on like it much longer. I have spoken to him about seeking advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce, he said that he would wait until after Christmas now, so I have now said that it’s up to him what he does, but if he hasn’t made an initial call by the end of January I am gone. The problem is, he is absolutely terrified of her.

I know I have given the end of January as a deadline, but I don’t even know if I will be able to last that long. She wants them to go on holiday next year too, I don’t think I am going to be able to deal with that. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable. I am fairly sure that he will be going to her parents house for Christmas Day too because of their son. I know this sounds dodgy, but I do know that they are separated and living apart so it’s not a case of that. I also know that he has no feelings for her at all anymore so he isn’t delaying the divorce for this reason. He is just scared of her reaction as she has been violent in the past.

Do I wait until January? Bring it up now?

Not sure what to say without sounding like a crazy nutter.

OP it is disturbing that you believe expecting to be treated with respect would be ‘sounding like a crazy nutter.’

Stop trying to find the perfect words. If you don’t like being treated as Less Than, tell him it’s not working and walk away.

I’m wondering what you would advise your child if they were some weak loser’s secret — perpetually devalued and always put last. Wouldn’t you urge them to move on?

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I don’t want to stop all this (that he's doing) because I said so

It wouldn't matter if you did, OP - he deletes her messages, remember? - so he'd most likely just carry on and lie to you, just as he's almost certainly lied about her being "crazy and scary"

Anyway you said that you "don’t want to end it and shut the door completely on it" and naturally that's completely your choice to make - but you're really not helping yourself here, and if you're not ready to make changes there seems little point in moaning about the status quo

He doesn't delete her messages.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. This needs to come to a head, it either needs to change drastically or end now. I sent this in the end. Took me over and hour to write.

He replied first and said I’m the mirror image of what I was like last week.

It's not as if I have never meant anything I have said, because I did. I don't mean to be confusing. There are things I think about which I don't like and can't see that I would put up with. I said about ignoring what I said about January, because after thinking about it, it's not for me to tell you what to do or when to do it. You need to do it in your own time, and at the moment, it seems neither of you want to. If that's the case then that's fine, but it's obviously not a situation in which another relationship with someone else could work. I am dubious about things working out because of the lack of boundaries. I know I have issues with (my ex), but I'm trying to work on them and sort things out. Things your end are exactly the same as they were 4 months ago. Basically it seems because you're so scared of her reaction all the time, you're too scared to say anything and I feel that may not change. It's almost as if nothing has changed in fact since the split, she still controls you and your actions, the only difference being you no longer live under the same roof. There has been times when I told you what I would do in certain situations, and you've actually said you couldn't do that because she would go nuts. It's almost like ' wants this so I have to give it to her'. Again, like you're still together. It's almost like being the other woman in an affair situation. I am getting annoyed really with sneaking around and being kept a secret, although I understand why you do it at the moment. I wasn't impressed with being told to walk up your neighbour's path either. I'm not a tart doing the walk of shame. But then on one hand your saying you don't care if she finds out, then in the next breath panicking incase she drives to your house and sees your van isn't there. If that had happened, you said you would have lied and said you were on a job. I wouldn't even expect you to tell her where you actually were, but at the very least, 'It's none of your business' would have been better. Are you scared to tell her you even leave the house during the week? If me and you continued and got more serious, I would not be tolerant of some of what happens now. Walking into your house all the time, turning up with food with her new boyfriend who she cheated on you with, that was a complete piss take on her part and I cant believe you allowed that. I wouldn't treat someone I was with like a door mat so I definitely wouldn't stand by and let someone else do it. The phoning you crying about her miscarriage when the baby wasn't even yours. You asked me if I would be okay with you both going abroad on holiday, and I would not and to make the whole thing worse, how is she going to afford a holiday? She cant afford Christmas apparently. Obviously you'd end up paying for the lot which again, is another piss take. And not only would that be taking the piss out of you, it would be taking the piss out of me if I tolerated it. I wouldn't accept a partner of mine even paying for me so I sure as hell wouldn't accept him paying for his ex. Also, I find it odd you say you can't stand being in her company for more than 20 minutes yet you're considering going on holiday. The only one who benefits in that situation is her because she has you to take the heat off her with (son), and she gets a free holiday. If she can't handle him or he wouldn't want to be with her for such a long period without you, then she needs to work on her relationship with him. Before the trip on Sunday you pointed out you were travelling in separate vehicles, I wouldn't have an issue if you did go in the same car, but sharing a room? The other issue is that we don't do anything really, other than you coming over my house. I do want this to work out but if those things don't change it's going to cause agro all the time between me and you. I do think it could work and want it to, but in order for it to progress things do need to change significantly.

Hope I haven’t disappointed. I guess we will see what he replies with. If it’s not positive steps to change, then I have my answer and I am more than willing to walk away.

Cool.

Any thoughts on your many replies to your thread?

OP, seriously, are you taking any of this in? I don’t understand how a grown woman can be so passive. This is your life. You have agency.

X-posted,
Still pissing about with your new lovers drivel, then. Enjoy.

At least this way I got everything off my chest, and I can walk away knowing he would not have changed a thing I guess.

@Pippitypopp

Thanks for all the advice everyone. This needs to come to a head, it either needs to change drastically or end now. I sent this in the end. Took me over and hour to write.

He replied first and said I’m the mirror image of what I was like last week.

It's not as if I have never meant anything I have said, because I did. I don't mean to be confusing. There are things I think about which I don't like and can't see that I would put up with. I said about ignoring what I said about January, because after thinking about it, it's not for me to tell you what to do or when to do it. You need to do it in your own time, and at the moment, it seems neither of you want to. If that's the case then that's fine, but it's obviously not a situation in which another relationship with someone else could work. I am dubious about things working out because of the lack of boundaries. I know I have issues with (my ex), but I'm trying to work on them and sort things out. Things your end are exactly the same as they were 4 months ago. Basically it seems because you're so scared of her reaction all the time, you're too scared to say anything and I feel that may not change. It's almost as if nothing has changed in fact since the split, she still controls you and your actions, the only difference being you no longer live under the same roof. There has been times when I told you what I would do in certain situations, and you've actually said you couldn't do that because she would go nuts. It's almost like ' wants this so I have to give it to her'. Again, like you're still together. It's almost like being the other woman in an affair situation. I am getting annoyed really with sneaking around and being kept a secret, although I understand why you do it at the moment. I wasn't impressed with being told to walk up your neighbour's path either. I'm not a tart doing the walk of shame. But then on one hand your saying you don't care if she finds out, then in the next breath panicking incase she drives to your house and sees your van isn't there. If that had happened, you said you would have lied and said you were on a job. I wouldn't even expect you to tell her where you actually were, but at the very least, 'It's none of your business' would have been better. Are you scared to tell her you even leave the house during the week? If me and you continued and got more serious, I would not be tolerant of some of what happens now. Walking into your house all the time, turning up with food with her new boyfriend who she cheated on you with, that was a complete piss take on her part and I cant believe you allowed that. I wouldn't treat someone I was with like a door mat so I definitely wouldn't stand by and let someone else do it. The phoning you crying about her miscarriage when the baby wasn't even yours. You asked me if I would be okay with you both going abroad on holiday, and I would not and to make the whole thing worse, how is she going to afford a holiday? She cant afford Christmas apparently. Obviously you'd end up paying for the lot which again, is another piss take. And not only would that be taking the piss out of you, it would be taking the piss out of me if I tolerated it. I wouldn't accept a partner of mine even paying for me so I sure as hell wouldn't accept him paying for his ex. Also, I find it odd you say you can't stand being in her company for more than 20 minutes yet you're considering going on holiday. The only one who benefits in that situation is her because she has you to take the heat off her with (son), and she gets a free holiday. If she can't handle him or he wouldn't want to be with her for such a long period without you, then she needs to work on her relationship with him. Before the trip on Sunday you pointed out you were travelling in separate vehicles, I wouldn't have an issue if you did go in the same car, but sharing a room? The other issue is that we don't do anything really, other than you coming over my house. I do want this to work out but if those things don't change it's going to cause agro all the time between me and you. I do think it could work and want it to, but in order for it to progress things do need to change significantly.

Hope I haven’t disappointed. I guess we will see what he replies with. If it’s not positive steps to change, then I have my answer and I am more than willing to walk away.

Jesus Christ. Have you already sent this?!

Which I am doubtful of.

Not much to ‘walk away’ from 😄 best use the neighbours path, though.
Absolutely ridiculous.

@Sweetlikejollof

I have, is that bad?

I’m not sure how to put this. I don’t want to be unkind as you’re clearly struggling. But, you really need to think this through.

Firstly, it must now be painfully clear to you that this is a ludicrous situation. You’re three months in. Why haven’t you just walked away instead of…whatever this is?

Secondly, if you did have to have this conversation - this is an impenetrable wall of rambling text. From your posts on this thread, you are obviously capable of expressing yourself clearly and logically. So, why didn’t you?

Finally, what is it that you’re hoping to achieve? Best case scenario, full Disney, what are you hoping he’ll reply? And what’s the bare minimum you’re willing to tolerate? Because it’s probably not enough.

I just blurted everything I've been thinking out. I should have used paragraphs

Um, I am not sure. It's all well and good if he says he will do this that or the other, actually doing it is another matter.

I am not willing to tolerate any of the issues I have outlined in the message. I do have a sneaky feeling though that the holiday may already be booked, the reason I say this he mentioned it at the end of October first. He also mentioned it to mutual friend around the same time. They don't do late deals, it's always an expensive all inclusive holiday in an expensive country so it would make sense that it has already been done.

I feel like you’re getting bogged down in the detail, here.

The issue with the message wasn’t the lack of paragraphs (although it didn’t help). It’s that it was all over the place. What you wanted to say was “I do not appreciate being kept a secret, I feel disrespected and I find the nature of your relationship with your ex to be problematic. If we’re going to stay together, I need X, Y and Z to happen/stop happening.” What you sent lacked any clarity of purpose.

You’ve completely my initial question regarding why you haven’t walked away and you apparently have no idea what you’re hoping to achieve by all this. That’s not great, is it?

Sorry yes you're right. I'm not the best when it comes to communicating in relationships which is why these things have been bothering me for so long and I have barely mentioned any of it before.

It's hard to believe I know from what I have written about him and the conclusions some poster's have jumped to (I would probably think the same), but he is a decent man and he's a great father. I absolutely know this to be true, his biggest downfall is the way he deals with his ex, or doesn't deal with her. I have spoken to people who have witnessed the abuse she has thrown at him, her violent angry outbursts from nowhere, due to her bi polar, etc. The cheating etc. I know it all to be true.

I think things could work out if he were to grow a massive pair of balls. Like I said though, I am not convinced he will, or can.

I get what you're saying about the message. I just felt the need to tell him absolutely everything I have been thinking/feeling rather than just ending it and cutting it off. At least this way he knows what the actual problems are, and he can then decide if he is willing or able to do anything about them. If not I have my answer, and will walk away.

Its a good text. I mean you lay out all your points and it reflects your personality. Your meaning is clear and you sound serious. You don't attack him. It's long but as you say you had been bottling things up.

I think it's good you've challenged him and you've done it without being threatening or aggressive or vague.

@Yummypumpkin

I think it's good you've challenged him and you've done it without being threatening or aggressive or vague.

Thank you. At least if it's a begative response in anyway then I will have closure myself in knowing that I was honest and told him what the issues were. We will have to just wait and see. I just checked and he has read the message. Urgh.

I think it's good that you've told him how you feel. It doesn't matter whether it's rambling or concise or somewhere in-between. Well done for not letting it carry on without putting your point of view across.

I don't think he's of the mindset to change his behaviour towards her, which is not anything you can change. He may set up appropriate boundaries with her, he may not. But that's not based on your 'worthiness', it's totally about his ĺack of boundaries. It's not a relationship that will do you any good if it continues like this. Well done for telling him it needs to change.

To me none of this adds up.

If she was the one who left, had an affair, lives with her boyfriend, expected sympathy when miscarrying OM's child, how is he so willing and enthralled by her?

It really makes no sense for him to be walking on eggshells with her. The holidays, Christmas the get togethers with parents.

There's being a pushover and there's him.

If this is real then he deseves no explanation why you are angry, anybody with half a brain would know no one could put up with this.

Op, just forget him, block him and be properly single. He deserves no more of your time or understanding.

I understand with letter wanting to get things off your chest but really, you should have just wrote "fuck off you annoying turd".

Now that's a boundary.

It was just a lot of words for a 4 month dating relationship with a married man who was trying to keep his wife happy.

But it did send the message you wanted. That's good.

@Onthedunes

To me none of this adds up.

If she was the one who left, had an affair, lives with her boyfriend, expected sympathy when miscarrying OM's child, how is he so willing and enthralled by her?

It really makes no sense for him to be walking on eggshells with her. The holidays, Christmas the get togethers with parents.

There's being a pushover and there's him.

If this is real then he deseves no explanation why you are angry, anybody with half a brain would know no one could put up with this.

Op, just forget him, block him and be properly single. He deserves no more of your time or understanding.

I understand with letter wanting to get things off your chest but really, you should have just wrote "fuck off you annoying turd".

Now that's a boundary.

I know it is hard to make sense of. He is literally terrified of her though. The mutual friend has witnessed a lot of it. When shw finally left, he went to see him, and he told him everything, friend said he was literally shaking getting it all out. She has threatened all sorts. Suicide. Taking their child away to live if he was an arsehole, I would have walked by now.

I understand the blackmail side to her behaviour that worries him but surely that is quelled by the fact she is actively living with someone else in a sexual and emotional relationship, she has support.

She cannot demand the total devotion of two men, one being her 'separated' husband.

No one would think him callous if he chose to ignor her suicide threats.

It's not hard to make sense of, it's impossible. Everything about this situation is illogical as it's presented and it's impossible how you can even reason a defence for him.

But you love him as blindly as he loves her.

Sounds like you'd be better hooking up with her new partner, you'd have a lot in common.

Have you met this new man of hers?
Have you actual proof she had a miscarriage by him?
Has anyone else ever set eyes on this other man?

Could this man be completely made up by your partner.

The not getting the ball rolling yet on the divorce isn't the issue it's the concealment of your relationship.

She cheated;they now live apart and she's in a relationship with the affair partner;he is publicly her boyfriend.

I don't understand why he won't go public with your relationship;why would she be angry?;she has no reason or the right to be be under the circumstances.