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Original poster

Partner meeting ex wife for dinner- hasn’t told me.

152 replies

coronade · 14/12/2021 04:35

Hi
I just need some perspectives on whether this situation is ok.

For background info, we’ve been seriously dating for over a year, he says he loves me and wants to marry me and move in together next year.
We were both cheated on by our ex’s after 25+ year relationships.
He has been separated 3 yrs but is not yet divorced (currently can’t afford too).
Wie both have adult children.

I have very minimal contact with my ex. Haven’t seen or spoken to him for over a year, just the odd text re kids.
He on the other hand seems to speak to his ex increasingly more. Lots of texts and weekly calls I’ve told him I don’t understand why he wants to remain ‘friendly’ with someone who cheated on him. He always says it’s for the kids, all comes from her, he only responds back etc. I told him from the start I wouldn’t be happy if they actually met up and went out with her.
I know I’m in the wrong and you will say I obviously don’t trust him, (not sure if I will ever really trust again after what my ex did) but I occasionally look at his phone. He normally deletes her messages but saw yesterday he’s arranged to take her out to dinner this week.
I’m not sure how I feel or what to do. He will ague he couldn’t tell me as I don’t understand why he still wants a friendship with her and am too jealous and insecure.

I love him but obviously this isn’t going to help with my insecurities and trust issues. He also lies about things but will never admit it (they are stupid things like saying he went to an opticians appointment when I know he didn’t ). This obviously adds to my trust issues. I’ve bought it up and he just gets stroppy and says he can’t keep defending himself and makes me feel guilty for questioning him.
I suppose I’m asking if I’m being irrational. I know I have created the situation by being so insecure. Also what do I do now? I know but can’t say anything to him without him knowing I checked his phone.

OP posts:
RobertSmithsLipstick · 14/12/2021 04:39

Well, I wouldn't like it either, so I'll probably get told off, too!
As to what you can do about it, I suppose people will say without trust the relationship is dead in the water already?

Still, if I was you, I would rather know than not.

I have no advice, apart from to come clean and face the consequences.

timeisnotaline · 14/12/2021 04:49

I wouldn’t move in with someone who lies about things. Who needs that?

Monty27 · 14/12/2021 05:01

What else has he not told you I wonder.

KatherineJaneway · 14/12/2021 05:03

I couldn't continue dating a man who lies this much.

LaBellina · 14/12/2021 05:09

He lies about other stuff too.
I had a boyfriend like this when I was very young and he turned out to be a pathological liar who was still very much in a relationship with his ‘ex’. I couldn’t and wouldn’t even try to trust someone like your partner and end the relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2021 05:11

He's a liar who still wants his ex-wife. I'd be telling him to fuck off.

MissBattleaxe · 14/12/2021 05:15

Regard this as the trailer for your future together and bail out now. Lying to you about the opticians is not a small lie, it's a cover story. He's already blaming your jealousy instead of addressing his behaviour. Save yourself the heartache.

Charley50 · 14/12/2021 05:19

I agree with PPs. He's a headfuck. If they were now 'just friends' he'd include you in their friendship.

Original poster
coronade · 14/12/2021 05:21

I’m actually not sure he does want her. I think he likes the fact he’s in control now. She cheated on him but now she’s the one on her own and maybe realises the grass want greener.
This obviously doesn’t mean nothing wont happen. One of his children is also very vindictive and I can’t believe that she won’t revel in telling me he’s been out with mum ( I think she would have made it quite clear if they’d met up previously as the mum tells her everything).

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 14/12/2021 05:21

It sounds like lying is quite a habit for him. It doesn't sound like he's looking to change that. Some people think that regularly telling little lies is no big deal. Other people are not OK with it. Will you be OK with marrying someone who continues to tell little lies and maybe some medium-sized lies, for years to come?

Some people seem to have a mindset of "I'm doing this thing that my partner wouldn't like (e.g. meeting my ex) but I know that I'm not doing it in a bad way or anything, it's fine really, but my partner wouldn't understand, so I just won't tell them, I'm doing them a favour really by keeping it a secret so they don't worry about nothing." I think that this is really disrespectful. I've never lied to my wife about anything. I feel like if I've got a load of secrets from her then it's almost like I'm pretending to be a different person, which doesn't seem fair on her. She deserves to know who she's in a relationship with.

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/12/2021 05:28

Being friends with the ex wouldn’t bother me unless certain boundaries were crossed. But lying is a massive problem. You can’t trust someone who lies to you. And lying to you is completely disrespectful and you deserve respect in your relationship.

@coronade Flowers sorry you’re going through this.

Original poster
coronade · 14/12/2021 05:33

I know your all right. It’s so hard walking away from someone you love. I’ve given him loads of opportunities to confess to the “little” lies but he’s always adamant he hasn’t. He goes quite and makes me feel bad.
When we first went out, he was staying at mine on the sofa. A couple of weeks later I realised he still was on his dating apps and had actually been looking at replies while he was at mine. When I bought it up he totally denied it, said it was his sons account and some other crap. I should have known then.
He has admitted this now and said it was early days, never replied and woke up early and just looked through his emails. I should have realised then.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 14/12/2021 05:40

He is gaslighting you.
It’s a form of emotional abuse and it completely fucks up your mind in the long term. Take it from someone who knows.
Walk away. No man is worth this shit.

MsDogLady · 14/12/2021 06:33

Coronade, I vividly recall your vacation thread and the others about your lying, cheating, angry and controlling Ex-Partner. It sounds like you’ve gone from one liar to another.

Your Partner is pursuing his Ex. Their interactions have escalated, he deletes their messages, and they are now going on a secret dinner date. He is using your trust issues as a cover to cheat. He knows he can shift the blame to your insecurity to make you back off.

And the lying. Coronade, after all you previously went through, why is this guy’s lying not an absolute dealbreaker? You challenge his lies and he feels entitled to get stroppy?? Unbelievable. He is super manipulative.

You deserve a decent, honest man who values you and respects your feelings/boundaries. I would advise you to walk away.

Motheroftigers · 14/12/2021 06:43

OP, I wouldn't focus on the ,eating up with his ex ( even though I wouldn't like that either) I would focus on the fact he lies. I was with a liar for quite a long time and nothing is stable as its all built on lies. And they never change. Gas lighting comes second nature to them.

I would separate for that alone.

Original poster
coronade · 14/12/2021 06:44

I know your right. I suppose I was so happy someone else wanted me after feeling so shit about myself for so long. I know I’ve let myself down and ignored all the red flags. I suppose I just wanted to be loved and have a future to look forward too.
I feel totally stupid. I know I deserve better. Starting to realise I’ve just picked a slightly more charming version of my ex. He says all the right stuff but actions speak volumes. He has left me notes both mornings this week telling me I’m his world and he loves me so much blah blah blah. But when I was waiting for the vet to come to my house to put my precious dog down, I had to phone and ask him to come round. He said he liked that if asked but I wanted him to know I’d need him and be there without me asking.

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 14/12/2021 06:46

A liar is a liar, full stop.

You already know he lies.

He even lies about stupid stuff (But there will be a 'reason' !)

He gets 'stroppy' or 'goes quiet' (i.e ignores) you when challenged ! (Instead of truly understanding why you'd need reassurance, which, in his position as the one who was cheated on, he should totally understand)

He's taking his Ex out for a 'dinner' Hmm (He could phone/email if he needs to 'discuss the kids' etc)

You know ALL of these things for a fact, and yet, for some reason, you're blindly clinging to the 'hope' that the real 'truth' is the 'fairytale ending' he's spun you ?? Hmm

Nope, he's just a liar. The love/ marriage etc are also lies.

I'm so sorry.

GoodnightGrandma · 14/12/2021 06:52

Dump him and block him. You don’t need this in your life.

Longdistance · 14/12/2021 06:55

Hang on, his ex wife cheated on him? Are you sure it wasn’t the other way around?
He constantly lies to you, hides things from you and gaslights you. He’s untrustworthy. I smell a rat!

Tiredofbs123 · 14/12/2021 07:00

‘She cheated’… ?!? Yep, he sounds like he is the one who has all the hall markings.

This man is not a safe partner for you. I don’t care what his motivations are, he’s simply unsafe for YOU after the trauma you have suffered at the hands of your ex.

I know it will be hard but please walk away from this loser and rebuild yourself from the bottom up. I don’t know when you split with your ex but it sounds as though you still have some healing to do. Please focus on that. That will put you in a better position to recognise red flags and walk away.

It’s so sad that you came here thinking you were being irrational. I hope you feel validated and that this gives you the strength to keep yourself safe.

Flowers
Dery · 14/12/2021 07:44

What @Tiredofbs123 said - with bells on. This isn’t about your trust issues. You may have them but the real problem is that you’re with a man who behaves in an untrustworthy manner. And then accuses you of trust issues when you - perfectly reasonably - call him out on his untrustworthy behaviour. Unless he radically changes his behaviour - which seems unlikely - it doesn’t sound like you can have the future you want with this man.

MsDogLady · 14/12/2021 07:45

Don’t diminish yourself, Coronade. You certainly aren’t stupid. You were greatly traumatized by your Ex’s cruelty and infidelity. You believed that this man valued and respected you. You were still healing and overlooked the initial red flags.

The good news is that you can now spot malignant behavior. You have the tools to recognize incongruence if you encounter it in the future. If you see it, walk away immediately. There are plenty of men of integrity out there.

I’m really sorry about the loss of your dear pup. I understand only too well the sorrow you feel. And yes, a partner who truly cared and empathized would have known that you needed his presence and support when saying goodbye to your cherished pet/family member. Flowers

AnotherMansCause · 14/12/2021 07:50

If you have trust issues it's because he's not trustworthy. I'd throw this one back TBH.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 14/12/2021 07:55

I think you could try sitting him down for a conversation and explaining that you love him but you really need a relationship with no lies at all and with total transparency. If he's willing to commit to that then perhaps you could give it a try (but be ready to walk away if he doesn't do it.) If he says no then you'll have your answer.

Maybe I'm giving him too much of a chance by suggesting this, I don't know. It does sound like this is just his nature. I guess I like to believe that people can change and grow, but I don't know how likely it is.

oreo2020 · 14/12/2021 08:05

I'd normally say wouldn't bother me, however:

  • he deletes her messages
  • he lies about other things
That's definitely a red flag. Don't overthink for now but observe... he's not transparent and that's his issue, not yours.