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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner meeting ex wife for dinner- hasn’t told me.

152 replies

coronade · 14/12/2021 04:35

Hi
I just need some perspectives on whether this situation is ok.

For background info, we’ve been seriously dating for over a year, he says he loves me and wants to marry me and move in together next year.
We were both cheated on by our ex’s after 25+ year relationships.
He has been separated 3 yrs but is not yet divorced (currently can’t afford too).
Wie both have adult children.

I have very minimal contact with my ex. Haven’t seen or spoken to him for over a year, just the odd text re kids.
He on the other hand seems to speak to his ex increasingly more. Lots of texts and weekly calls I’ve told him I don’t understand why he wants to remain ‘friendly’ with someone who cheated on him. He always says it’s for the kids, all comes from her, he only responds back etc. I told him from the start I wouldn’t be happy if they actually met up and went out with her.
I know I’m in the wrong and you will say I obviously don’t trust him, (not sure if I will ever really trust again after what my ex did) but I occasionally look at his phone. He normally deletes her messages but saw yesterday he’s arranged to take her out to dinner this week.
I’m not sure how I feel or what to do. He will ague he couldn’t tell me as I don’t understand why he still wants a friendship with her and am too jealous and insecure.

I love him but obviously this isn’t going to help with my insecurities and trust issues. He also lies about things but will never admit it (they are stupid things like saying he went to an opticians appointment when I know he didn’t ). This obviously adds to my trust issues. I’ve bought it up and he just gets stroppy and says he can’t keep defending himself and makes me feel guilty for questioning him.
I suppose I’m asking if I’m being irrational. I know I have created the situation by being so insecure. Also what do I do now? I know but can’t say anything to him without him knowing I checked his phone.

OP posts:

Original poster

coronade · 14/12/2021 14:41

He isn’t living with me. Slept on the sofa one night when we first started seeing each other.
Re the opticians he told me it was 12.30. I text him at 11.45 to remind him and he replied straight away and spoke to him at 12. ( I’m always in there ages when I’ve had an eye test not 15 mins) He said he’d made a mistake and it was 11.30. They also rang Saturday (presumably to rearrange) as he didn’t turn up) he ignored it. I also can just tell from how vague he is.

OP posts:

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 14/12/2021 14:47

He was on dating app and looking at messages when on a date with you. He regularly deletes messages. He's going to dinner with his wife, and lying about it. You are miserable and checking his phone. He wants to date and be married. What would you tell a friend to do? Prioritise yourself because this kind of man doesn't share your values and enjoys lying to you

Themummilly · 14/12/2021 14:48

@coronade did he go for a test or just to speak to someone about an eye infection etc?
He might have a very, very bad memory!

AllInTentsWithPorpoises · 14/12/2021 14:51

@coronade

I know your right. I suppose I was so happy someone else wanted me after feeling so shit about myself for so long. I know I’ve let myself down and ignored all the red flags. I suppose I just wanted to be loved and have a future to look forward too. I feel totally stupid. I know I deserve better. Starting to realise I’ve just picked a slightly more charming version of my ex. He says all the right stuff but actions speak volumes. He has left me notes both mornings this week telling me I’m his world and he loves me so much blah blah blah. But when I was waiting for the vet to come to my house to put my precious dog down, I had to phone and ask him to come round. He said he liked that if asked but I wanted him to know I’d need him and be there without me asking.

Please don't feel stupid. Life is about learning from situations. You have realised what is happening here and are quite obviously learning from it. Not only that but you've recognised it earlier than with your last relationship which is a good thing. Decide what you want to do. If you decide to end it then take some time to grieve what you hoped it would be. If you decide to continue it, make sure you do it on your terms (I wouldn't be living with him for start). But whatever you do, please know you are not stupid, you are just a nice human who hoped someone would not do wrong by them. Sadly this is not that person.

Sosoo · 14/12/2021 14:54

I think when you have had a very long marriage/relationship that people can have the tendency to fall for the wrong person next time around as you are desperately craving validation from someone. This looks like it has happened here and you are choosing to overlook clear red flags. Bring it to an end.

Skeumorph · 14/12/2021 14:56

I’ve bought it up and he just gets stroppy and says he can’t keep defending himself and makes me feel guilty for questioning him.

And I suppose just deciding not to be an untrustworthy liar is out of the question?

Seriously - just dump. No discussion, no second, fourth, tenth chance.

Of course he's going to gaslight and try and 'defend' himself - it's what shitty partners do when they cheat/lie/con.

It's reasonable to expect honesty.

If he doesn't agree with your boundaries, he 'defends' himself by making it clear to you that he doesn't agree and he will do x, y, z as he thinks it's reasonable. Then you get the chance to say sorry, not for me - and leave.

Never stay in a relationship with a liar.

Dump, just shrug when he starts carping on about how unreasonable you are, then block.

Themummilly · 14/12/2021 15:03

There must have been something about him which attracted you to him in the first place, OP? What was that?
Also, it is entirely possible that he was all-at-sea after the breakdown of his marriage. People do crazy things like joining dating sites and checking for messages from randoms when they know deep down they don't really want to date any of these people. They just temporarily need the attention or distraction.
The shock of a long relationship ending might also explain his forgetfulness and vague behaviour about going to an appointment and mixing up the time.
One thing is for sure: if you keep checking his phone you will end up going down the rabbit hole. You might be right but you might also end up creating scenarios to which there are honest answers.

Thehop · 14/12/2021 15:06

You’ll never know a minutes peace or contentment with this man. You’ll never trust him. Rightly so. Walk away.

bluebells34 · 14/12/2021 15:08

That would not sit easy with me at all. Taking her to dinner?! its one thing remaining friends but sharing a meal together ...no. I am sure if the roles were reveresed he would not be happy. Does she have a partner?

Onthedunes · 14/12/2021 15:10

Seasonal Men.

There seems to be a few posts in the run up to Christmas where partners are getting in touch with ex's and families.

Christmas brings feelings of family togetherness for men.

Don't worry by spring he'll be in single mode again, whether that will be entirely with you is debatable.

So predictable these seasonal men.
He's a liar, selfish and no different to the other circulating trash doing the rounds.

You deseve better.

Happy1982ish · 14/12/2021 15:23

Op I recall all your precious threads

You weee diabolically let down by your husband of 27 years when he had an affair

Be careful that you don’t always see shadows in dirtier relationships

A dear friend did. Her partner was lovely, he really was. In the end he left her. He’s still single. He was never having an affair. She just relentlessly accused him so

Happy1982ish · 14/12/2021 15:23

Future relationships

Gilda152 · 14/12/2021 17:28

@BeyondOurReef not blaming the woman in the slightest. Her boundaries and what she thought was acceptable with her ex weren't in line with his with his ex, that was way back before anything else even entered the mix. So this whole thing was a mistake. No blaming or at least not the women over the man. They both disregarded red flags in each other. Don't accuse.

Original poster

coronade · 14/12/2021 18:03

Well I’ve ended it. Went to his house and packed up my stuff. When he woke up I told him I knew about the meal. He said nothing. Just told me id obviously made my mind up and to go. Went to the toilet and shut the door. He obviously wasn’t that bothered about me. So much for the notes he’s left me every morning this week telling me how wonderful I am.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 18:07

He said nothing. Just told me id obviously made my mind up and to go. Went to the toilet and shut the door.

What an absolute wanker. Sounds like you've 100% made the right decision OP.

TheTrinity · 14/12/2021 18:20

Sending you hugs OP.

Maze76 · 14/12/2021 18:28

You have done the right thing and have saved yourself greater heartache.

Longdistance · 14/12/2021 18:39

I hope when he went to the toilet he shit a hedgehog.
What an awful human he is. At least you know. The little lies become big lies.

user38764345 · 14/12/2021 18:40

Thinking of you OP.
It will be the best thing for you. You've got out at the right time!

Don't communicate with him at all and let him know you don't accept lies and him putting his cheating ex first Xx

Tiredofbs123 · 14/12/2021 18:45

Awww @coronade you have your answer there, what an a*.

I’m so sorry but onwards to a relationship where you are valued, as you should be.

Shmithecat2 · 14/12/2021 18:49

@coronade

I’m actually not sure he does want her. I think he likes the fact he’s in control now. She cheated on him but now she’s the one on her own and maybe realises the grass want greener. This obviously doesn’t mean nothing wont happen. One of his children is also very vindictive and I can’t believe that she won’t revel in telling me he’s been out with mum ( I think she would have made it quite clear if they’d met up previously as the mum tells her everything).

Even if that is the case, that's not a massively attractive trait in someone - to play with someone they think they have control over.

Run, don't walk.

Redshoeblueshoe · 14/12/2021 18:51

You have absolutely done the right thing.