Partner meeting ex wife for dinner- hasn’t told me.

[coronade]

Hi
I just need some perspectives on whether this situation is ok.

For background info, we’ve been seriously dating for over a year, he says he loves me and wants to marry me and move in together next year.
We were both cheated on by our ex’s after 25+ year relationships.
He has been separated 3 yrs but is not yet divorced (currently can’t afford too).
Wie both have adult children.

I have very minimal contact with my ex. Haven’t seen or spoken to him for over a year, just the odd text re kids.
He on the other hand seems to speak to his ex increasingly more. Lots of texts and weekly calls I’ve told him I don’t understand why he wants to remain ‘friendly’ with someone who cheated on him. He always says it’s for the kids, all comes from her, he only responds back etc. I told him from the start I wouldn’t be happy if they actually met up and went out with her.
I know I’m in the wrong and you will say I obviously don’t trust him, (not sure if I will ever really trust again after what my ex did) but I occasionally look at his phone. He normally deletes her messages but saw yesterday he’s arranged to take her out to dinner this week.
I’m not sure how I feel or what to do. He will ague he couldn’t tell me as I don’t understand why he still wants a friendship with her and am too jealous and insecure.

I love him but obviously this isn’t going to help with my insecurities and trust issues. He also lies about things but will never admit it (they are stupid things like saying he went to an opticians appointment when I know he didn’t ). This obviously adds to my trust issues. I’ve bought it up and he just gets stroppy and says he can’t keep defending himself and makes me feel guilty for questioning him.
I suppose I’m asking if I’m being irrational. I know I have created the situation by being so insecure. Also what do I do now? I know but can’t say anything to him without him knowing I checked his phone.

Sounds like the best decision 100% OP

@coronade How would I ever know if he was telling the truth

You would never know, and the chances are the majority of stuff which comes out of his mouth is lies - whether that's big lies or little white lies. Its just so natural to them.

My ex husband lied constantly throughout our marriage, from little lies that he'd eaten lunch when he hadn't (regular eating helped his energy levels and if he didn't eat he was so tired he slept all the time) to he had not messaged any women and had an emotional affair (even when seconds before I had just read their whole messsge conversation).

You end up living on edge constantly, checking up on them, demanding 'evidence' that what they are saying is true and its not a nice play to be because you feel controlling and abusive even when its the other way round and you've been 'forced' to act like that.

The relief when I left my husband after 17yrs marriage (19 together) was immense, no more worrying about lies and truth, no more worrying about anything. Its so refreshing not to be on edge all the time.

You have done so well to get out of this relationship now, yes there were red flags before which you ignored but you got there in the end and hopefully next time you'll leave on the first red flag...but that all comes with knowledge and confidence to walk away.