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Original poster

Partner meeting ex wife for dinner- hasn’t told me.

152 replies

coronade · 14/12/2021 04:35

Hi
I just need some perspectives on whether this situation is ok.

For background info, we’ve been seriously dating for over a year, he says he loves me and wants to marry me and move in together next year.
We were both cheated on by our ex’s after 25+ year relationships.
He has been separated 3 yrs but is not yet divorced (currently can’t afford too).
Wie both have adult children.

I have very minimal contact with my ex. Haven’t seen or spoken to him for over a year, just the odd text re kids.
He on the other hand seems to speak to his ex increasingly more. Lots of texts and weekly calls I’ve told him I don’t understand why he wants to remain ‘friendly’ with someone who cheated on him. He always says it’s for the kids, all comes from her, he only responds back etc. I told him from the start I wouldn’t be happy if they actually met up and went out with her.
I know I’m in the wrong and you will say I obviously don’t trust him, (not sure if I will ever really trust again after what my ex did) but I occasionally look at his phone. He normally deletes her messages but saw yesterday he’s arranged to take her out to dinner this week.
I’m not sure how I feel or what to do. He will ague he couldn’t tell me as I don’t understand why he still wants a friendship with her and am too jealous and insecure.

I love him but obviously this isn’t going to help with my insecurities and trust issues. He also lies about things but will never admit it (they are stupid things like saying he went to an opticians appointment when I know he didn’t ). This obviously adds to my trust issues. I’ve bought it up and he just gets stroppy and says he can’t keep defending himself and makes me feel guilty for questioning him.
I suppose I’m asking if I’m being irrational. I know I have created the situation by being so insecure. Also what do I do now? I know but can’t say anything to him without him knowing I checked his phone.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 14/12/2021 08:07

The problem isn't your insecurity or trust "issues", it's his dishonesty.

Even if someone is highly secure and trusting, if their partner is regularly lying to them, there is a problem in that relationship.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/12/2021 08:07

About he contact with his ex l think it's easier for you not to be in contact with your ex as l presume you are the main carer for your children but it's different for him as he needs to contact his children's mom. Are the whole family going for dinner or just the 2?
But the lies are the real problem. You will never know where you are with him as it sounds like he makes up things for an easier life which is no foundation for a relationship. That's the area l would focus on.

Ellen888 · 14/12/2021 08:14

The fact that he isn't divorced after 3 years would concern me. Now he is meeting exW, which doesn't bode well.

He's also "economical with the truth"

I can't see a future in this - sorry.

Please get out now before he screws with your head even more.

And sorry about your Ddoggy Flowers

ZenNudist · 14/12/2021 08:38

I'm sorry it's not working. I'd get rid before Christmas as you're better off without him.

SalonSharon · 14/12/2021 08:46

You can get divorced for around £1000. I’m surprised that he’s not been able to save anything towards that in three years.

It was a priority for me when my ex cheated. I couldn’t find that money quickly enough.

HollowTalk · 14/12/2021 08:47

It only took a few of your messages to realise that you are dating a skint liar who is still on dating sites and has secret dinners with his ex-wife.

What the hell are you thinking of?

Itsseweasy · 14/12/2021 08:48

No one deletes their messages unless they have something to hide.
Really sorry he turned out to be another scumbag, sending you love and strength to get rid and move forward with your life.

Calamitydrayne · 14/12/2021 08:50

I don't see a future here. Separated for three years but still refusing to divorce be wise he can't afford it? When will he be able to afford it? Or is that just an excuse for not doing it anyway?

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 14/12/2021 08:51

Well done on getting rid. My advice would be don't date men who aren't divorced. This one can't be bothered to get divorced but can be bothered to go on dating apps, pursue a shiny new relationship and still has the option of going back to his wife, who he most likely bombards with messages so she can't get any space to recover from him. I can guarantee he will be pursuing her, that's why he's deleting. It's not love with these specimens. You are their narcissistic supply. They don't care about lying all they care about is getting what they want

Happy1982ish · 14/12/2021 08:53

How old are his children

SunflowerTed · 14/12/2021 09:04

This relationship has red flags all over it. I know it’s hard but I would end it now as when you move in and he’s lying all the time where will that leave you?

Theunamedcat · 14/12/2021 09:06

My ex husband told everyone I was stopping the divorce the reality was that he refused the papers and them when he was unemployed and wouldn't have to pay for a divorce HE refused to file because I was his no matter what as soon as it his five years I signed on as a carer and filed literally within two months of going on benefits it was five years and I filed on that day he STILL tried to put an objection in but couldn't afford it so his ego took a hit 🤷

Thing is he was engaged to someone else at the time and she believed him when he said that I was the reason they couldn't get married and she believed every word of it

gonnabeok · 14/12/2021 09:09

As someone who has been cheated on I understand your insecurities but we need to learn our boundaries. He is already disrespecting yours, don't make the same mistake again. Sometimes the people we attract are a reflection of how we feel inside. Maybe you need to do more healing on yourself and boundaries but honestly I would throw him back, the right one will come along...

BeyondOurReef · 14/12/2021 09:09

Honestly, their children are grown up so that isn’t a reason they need to maintain contact.

They’ve been separated 3 years but haven’t initiated divorce proceedings. There’s no ‘not being able to afford it’. The expensive bit is not actually the divorce (so long as you are willing to just agree everything sensibly), it’s the leaving and setting up separate houses that costs loads.

He’s taking his wife out for dinner presumably because he’s trying to get back together with her. And hiding it from you because he wants to keep you as back up bed warmer.

Tell him she’s welcome to him and move on with your life.

Outlyingtrout · 14/12/2021 09:13

I can't see how this could go anywhere really. He is a compulsive liar, he's clearly still hung up on his ex and you don't like one of his children. It's not exactly the stuff of fairytales.

Lying about trivial things and then gaslighting you just feels like a power play somehow. He gets some kind of kick out of keeping you in the dark for no reason and knowing that you've "fallen for" his lie, however stupid it is. If he was actually over his ex he wouldn't be meeting with her. Whether it's because he still wants to be with her or because he feels powerful (sensing a pattern Hmm) being the one who moved on while she's miserable and filled with regret (I mean, is that even true?), nobody who has really got over a relationship needs to prove anything. If he was really happy and didn't have feelings for her then he wouldn't care enough to want to rub her nose in it.

He sounds like way too much drama.

Calamitydrayne · 14/12/2021 09:38

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

Well done on getting rid. My advice would be don't date men who aren't divorced. This one can't be bothered to get divorced but can be bothered to go on dating apps, pursue a shiny new relationship and still has the option of going back to his wife, who he most likely bombards with messages so she can't get any space to recover from him. I can guarantee he will be pursuing her, that's why he's deleting. It's not love with these specimens. You are their narcissistic supply. They don't care about lying all they care about is getting what they want
My advice would be to read the post. Where does it say she got rid?
Jenhen89 · 14/12/2021 09:45

You need to have an honest, frank talk with him about the lying. You can’t carry on like this, it’ll drive you insane.

mug2018 · 14/12/2021 09:50

How would you feel about suggesting that you go out with him when he meets up with her.

If he's open to it, it will help you build in your trust & you will (hopefully) have a united front together & see for yourself the dynamic between them.
If he's not open to the suggestion, I'd walk away as he's maybe got something to hide & he should be more considerate of your feelings.

Happy1982ish · 14/12/2021 09:52

* One of his children is also very vindictive and I can’t believe that she won’t revel in telling me he’s been out with mum*

Anyone who describes any of my children as “very vindictive” is not someone I’d want to have a relationship with

Whereas presumably his ex… doesn’t think that about his daughter!

irene88 · 14/12/2021 09:55

The problem is not that he wants to pursue a friendship with his ex-wife - that's up to them, although I understand that might make you uncomfortable. My husband had somewhat of a friendship with his ex when I first met him, but that fizzled out soon after. They still text very occasionally on birthdays, and not always, or if there's a big event happening in their lives (she shared the birth of her daughter). I'm not going to say this has always been easy for me, but I did have Relationship OCD and I can now see that I had a lot of anxiety and insecurities that had nothing to do with this woman or my husband's relationship with her. As far as I know he has never lied about their texting (if anything, he naturally lets me know whenever it happens).

The problem is that he has lied about that as well as other things. Why lie about going somewhere?

Bookworm20 · 14/12/2021 09:55

So he deletes her messages? And is meeting up for dinner and hiding it from you?

You say she cheated on him. Did he tell you that? Are you sure it wasn't the other way around?

I mean think about it. If you'd been cheated on and was with a new partner who had also gone through the turmoil of being cheated on. Would you be risking their fragile trust by hiding messages and meeting up with ex's?

Thats the sort of thing cheats do.

Do you know when they are meeting and where? Personally I would just happen to be at the same place. You won't have to tell him you read his messages then, will you?

Lets see how it explains it away with her sat right there. because what he says in front of her will tell you volumes. If he doesn't instantly introduce you to her as his partner and explain to you exactly why he's meeting his ex. Theres your answer.

Vapeyvapevape · 14/12/2021 10:01

How would you feel about suggesting that you go out with him when he meets up with her

I wouldn’t recommend this, hang on to your dignity and dump him.

sunshine789 · 14/12/2021 10:02

You dont have trust issues, he has honesty issues.

If he is lying to you, why are you still together? Why does he delete his chats with his ex? Why he keeps seeing her if you told him that you wont like it?

Because he doesnt care. Just simple as that.

For some people its ok if ther partners hanging with ex, for open relations are normal, for some non of that is ok. And if he on purpose doing something that might hurt you, I dont get why would you want to continue relations with him.
Its not a one time thing, its been for a while and will be like that.

wishymore · 14/12/2021 10:08

Has he had any relationships in between his separation and you because he’s treating you like a rebound

Gilda152 · 14/12/2021 10:33

You told him from that start you wouldnt allow him or accept him meeting up as friends with his ex - that's why he's lied to you, the two things are directly connected. Had you been more accepting of his friendship with his children's mother would he have lied? We'll never know - but let's be honest, probably because he's a man and men are excellent at messing things up with lies instead of having the courage to be truthful in case they upset someone and he knows you would have been upset/ditched him.

He wants the freedom to be friends with someone who was part of his life for 25+ years. You don't want to be that with your exh so you can't compute his emotions on this and you're not going to find a middle ground on this. They have a history that you probably never will have and that's tough to take. It's really your call. I don't think he's lied to you because he wants to get back with her, but it's whether you can accept their friendship or not. I don't think you can. There are still men out there who have never been married and on paper that's probably easier but having said that it comes with it's own problems when they get to a certain age, believe me, I'm married to one now. (also get on very well with my exh so my view is very biased, although my DH and exh get on really well too)