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Original poster

Partner meeting ex wife for dinner- hasn’t told me.

152 replies

coronade · 14/12/2021 04:35

Hi
I just need some perspectives on whether this situation is ok.

For background info, we’ve been seriously dating for over a year, he says he loves me and wants to marry me and move in together next year.
We were both cheated on by our ex’s after 25+ year relationships.
He has been separated 3 yrs but is not yet divorced (currently can’t afford too).
Wie both have adult children.

I have very minimal contact with my ex. Haven’t seen or spoken to him for over a year, just the odd text re kids.
He on the other hand seems to speak to his ex increasingly more. Lots of texts and weekly calls I’ve told him I don’t understand why he wants to remain ‘friendly’ with someone who cheated on him. He always says it’s for the kids, all comes from her, he only responds back etc. I told him from the start I wouldn’t be happy if they actually met up and went out with her.
I know I’m in the wrong and you will say I obviously don’t trust him, (not sure if I will ever really trust again after what my ex did) but I occasionally look at his phone. He normally deletes her messages but saw yesterday he’s arranged to take her out to dinner this week.
I’m not sure how I feel or what to do. He will ague he couldn’t tell me as I don’t understand why he still wants a friendship with her and am too jealous and insecure.

I love him but obviously this isn’t going to help with my insecurities and trust issues. He also lies about things but will never admit it (they are stupid things like saying he went to an opticians appointment when I know he didn’t ). This obviously adds to my trust issues. I’ve bought it up and he just gets stroppy and says he can’t keep defending himself and makes me feel guilty for questioning him.
I suppose I’m asking if I’m being irrational. I know I have created the situation by being so insecure. Also what do I do now? I know but can’t say anything to him without him knowing I checked his phone.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 14/12/2021 10:55

You told him from that start you wouldnt allow him or accept him meeting up as friends with his ex - that's why he's lied to you, the two things are directly connected

Ah yes, lets blame OP for a man lying.

OR he could have, you know, had a proper adult conversation with OP and explained the reason why he needed to meet up with his ex.

Not hard.

When I need to meet up with mine, which is 100% to discuss dc stuff, it doesn't happen over a dinner out and I tell my partner that I need to need up with ex to discuss xyz.

He wants the freedom to be friends with someone who was part of his life for 25+ years.
And thats all fine if your new partner is ok with that. This is not just an old friend. its an ex wife. Entirely different. And if he truly was just friends and wanted to keep that friendship, then he wouldn't be deleting messages, he'd be open with OP and OP would also be included in that friendship, as his new partner.

Sweetlikejollof · 14/12/2021 11:02

@coronade

I know your all right. It’s so hard walking away from someone you love. I’ve given him loads of opportunities to confess to the “little” lies but he’s always adamant he hasn’t. He goes quite and makes me feel bad. When we first went out, he was staying at mine on the sofa. A couple of weeks later I realised he still was on his dating apps and had actually been looking at replies while he was at mine. When I bought it up he totally denied it, said it was his sons account and some other crap. I should have known then. He has admitted this now and said it was early days, never replied and woke up early and just looked through his emails. I should have realised then.
I’m not quite seeing how you could have found this out. Could you please explain?
GoodTid · 14/12/2021 11:08

My DP spends time at his exes house. I've no problem with that.

Being consistantly lied to would end the relationship for me.

Momijin · 14/12/2021 11:13

Two wrongs here. Him lying and him not being allowed to see his ex wife.

TheTrinity · 14/12/2021 11:15

I am really sorry you are going through this. As you have realised, it is so easy to ignore the red flags when we have love and attention. Now you know better and it is always difficult to face the inevitable. Just over a year is not that long in fact and that time has shown you exactly what he is like. Lying about small things is the worst to me. I would never be able to trust him again - let alone him going to dinner with his ex, really?! You don't want another version of your ex, do you?

IncompleteSenten · 14/12/2021 11:17

This is not going to work out. What is the point of being in a relationship with a liar who you don't trust? Just so you can be with someone? Is the price you pay for the relationship worth it to you?

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 11:17

Life's too short to waste on liars and cheats.
He's deleting her messages and that in itself speaks volumes.
If it was innocent on his part he wouldn't do that.

tsmainsqueeze · 14/12/2021 11:18

You can't trust him -that would be enough for me.

isthismylifenow · 14/12/2021 11:22

It is the lying that would be the bigger issue for me OP.

UntilBubleSings · 14/12/2021 11:22

Why can't he afford to divorce? Can't or won't?

IamGusFring · 14/12/2021 11:26

but is not yet divorced (currently can’t afford too)

Got as far as this and thought NO . As for the rest ? Dump his sorry lying arse !

RB68 · 14/12/2021 11:58

Personally I think you have effectively set him up. You set out your ground rules which means he can't meet up with her yet he has kids with her and they are not yet divorced. Friendly terms is not your call to set for him. If he is happy with friendly terms to ensure minimal impact on kids and getting the divorce settled amicable without involving too much solicitor work then you need to allow that - you can be clear about not lying etc but then you have put him in a position where he has no choice but to not tell you stuff as you go off on one.

Original poster
coronade · 14/12/2021 11:59

His kids are adults both work full time but live at home.

OP posts:
Monr0e · 14/12/2021 12:04

He tells you lies

Then he tells you it's your fault that he tells you lies.

And he has you believing this. He is not a nice man. I understand you wishing to feel wanted again. But please save yourself for someone who deserves you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 12:04

@RB68

Personally I think you have effectively set him up. You set out your ground rules which means he can't meet up with her yet he has kids with her and they are not yet divorced. Friendly terms is not your call to set for him. If he is happy with friendly terms to ensure minimal impact on kids and getting the divorce settled amicable without involving too much solicitor work then you need to allow that - you can be clear about not lying etc but then you have put him in a position where he has no choice but to not tell you stuff as you go off on one.
Well no, she said how she felt from the start so if it was something he knew he didn't want to agree to then he should have stopped seeing her not carried on seeing her but lying about what he knew she wouldn't accept.

I wouldn't be with someone who had issues from day one with me being in regular contact with my kids other parent, so if someone had an issue with it I wouldn't have continued dating them. I would carry on seeing them, do the thing they said they were uncomfortable with and lie about it.

Original poster
coronade · 14/12/2021 12:31

His kids are full time working adults. I understand the contact re his children but not taking her out for a secret dinner and picking her up so she can drink.

OP posts:
Themummilly · 14/12/2021 12:57

I'm another one who thinks that it was him who cheated, not the other way round. He probably didn't want to break up with her, just fancied a bit of change. After such a long time with her he wants to remain friends. You can't be with someone for that length of time and not be friends. It is not sexist to say that in this situation which is a very long marriage the probability of him cheating on her is greater than the probability of her cheating on him.
She left him because he refused to move (probably) but they probably feel the same about one another.
You're in a no-win situation really. Sorry.

Themummilly · 14/12/2021 12:58

What makes you think he didn't go to the opticians, OP?

MadeForThis · 14/12/2021 13:06

He's a liar. Don't waste any more time.

Gilda152 · 14/12/2021 13:07

That's true actually, he should have stopped seeing you once you told him your rules and boundaries. That was his first mistake. This relationship didn't need to happen at all.

litterbird · 14/12/2021 13:08

Oh OP so sorry you got sucked in to another unsuitable kind. You have seen the red flags, you are processing these and hopefully you will walk away pretty soon. He is telling a lot of porky pies to you. You do know you can do a really really cheap divorce on line dont you? All this nonsense about not having money to divorce is because he probably doesnt want to divorce as he cheated on his wife and I think he is taking her to dinner to try and get back with her...why else would he take her for dinner? You are being used as a mug and you should run a mile.

thesockfromtheroof · 14/12/2021 13:09

@coronade

I know your all right. It’s so hard walking away from someone you love. I’ve given him loads of opportunities to confess to the “little” lies but he’s always adamant he hasn’t. He goes quite and makes me feel bad. When we first went out, he was staying at mine on the sofa. A couple of weeks later I realised he still was on his dating apps and had actually been looking at replies while he was at mine. When I bought it up he totally denied it, said it was his sons account and some other crap. I should have known then. He has admitted this now and said it was early days, never replied and woke up early and just looked through his emails. I should have realised then.
Realise now.

The man lies to you. He's still married and essentially dating his wife.

She is NOT his ex.

Do not marry or move in with this man.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 14/12/2021 13:22

You mention that he was staying on your sofa. Did he move straight in with you from the family home? Has he ever actually lived in his own before moving in with you?

BeyondOurReef · 14/12/2021 13:22

@Gilda152

That's true actually, he should have stopped seeing you once you told him your rules and boundaries. That was his first mistake. This relationship didn't need to happen at all.
Some people will really go all out to excuse men and blame women, won’t they?
user38764345 · 14/12/2021 13:27

He's a liar, however big or small.

You will always have to question and have doubt on what he says and tells you. What kind of life is that second guessing everything he says?!

Leave him, life is easier without the stress of a liar!