Partner meeting ex wife for dinner- hasn’t told me.

[coronade]

Hi
I just need some perspectives on whether this situation is ok.

For background info, we’ve been seriously dating for over a year, he says he loves me and wants to marry me and move in together next year.
We were both cheated on by our ex’s after 25+ year relationships.
He has been separated 3 yrs but is not yet divorced (currently can’t afford too).
Wie both have adult children.

I have very minimal contact with my ex. Haven’t seen or spoken to him for over a year, just the odd text re kids.
He on the other hand seems to speak to his ex increasingly more. Lots of texts and weekly calls I’ve told him I don’t understand why he wants to remain ‘friendly’ with someone who cheated on him. He always says it’s for the kids, all comes from her, he only responds back etc. I told him from the start I wouldn’t be happy if they actually met up and went out with her.
I know I’m in the wrong and you will say I obviously don’t trust him, (not sure if I will ever really trust again after what my ex did) but I occasionally look at his phone. He normally deletes her messages but saw yesterday he’s arranged to take her out to dinner this week.
I’m not sure how I feel or what to do. He will ague he couldn’t tell me as I don’t understand why he still wants a friendship with her and am too jealous and insecure.

I love him but obviously this isn’t going to help with my insecurities and trust issues. He also lies about things but will never admit it (they are stupid things like saying he went to an opticians appointment when I know he didn’t ). This obviously adds to my trust issues. I’ve bought it up and he just gets stroppy and says he can’t keep defending himself and makes me feel guilty for questioning him.
I suppose I’m asking if I’m being irrational. I know I have created the situation by being so insecure. Also what do I do now? I know but can’t say anything to him without him knowing I checked his phone.

Not being able to afford to get divorced makes no sense.

I do think it's good of they can remain friendly, even if children are adults. It will lake things like DC's weddings far more comfortable for everyone, but there's no need to be seeing each other outside of family occasions.

Lying is always a very bad thing.

I wish you hadn't told him you knew about the meal, you could have said he was dreadful in bed that you'd realised you didn't love him. He sounds horrible.

Coronade, kudos for refusing to tolerate his disrespect and sneaky deceit. I know you are gutted, but you couldn’t continue to sabotage yourself with this manipulative player.

Don’t despair. You will come across a decent person who enriches your life and has your
well-being at heart. 🌹

Thanks everyone. Feel relieved but very sad. Doesn’t get any easier. At least I’ve learnt I really do need to have much firmer boundaries and value my own self worth. Onwards to 2022. I’ve got lots to be thankful for.

Make sure you block him he seems like the type to try and weasel his way back in

If you decide to stay in a relationship with a known liar, don’t be surprised when he lies.

He didn't expect to be caught and hadn't planned an excuse. That's why he hid.

Honestly, well done OP for not putting up with this bullshit and knowing your worth

@MadeForThis

He didn't expect to be caught and hadn't planned an excuse. That's why he hid.

This!

Honestly laughable if it weren't so sad for you OP.

Like a toddler when you walk unexpectedly into the room, catch them doing something they shouldn't and they have no response except to roar with fury and hit you/run away as they're so annoyed and caught short!

Ridiculous man.

Never Date A Liar!

Well done OP.

@MadeForThis

He didn't expect to be caught and hadn't planned an excuse. That's why he hid.

This.

He didn't have a ready lie.

Well done OP.

You never have peace with a liar.

Spent the night crying, but actually feel ok. Haven’t got that churning feeling I’ve had for a while that something wasn’t quite right.
He messaged me at 4.30am “I’m totally gutted and I miss you”. I bet he is. I was the meal ticket out of the trap he’s currently in and that’s obviously just dawning on him.. No sorry, no I love you. I’ve just ignored it.

I don’t know how he thought it would end any other way, especially as he knows my background.
Also realised I need to listen and trust myself more. I knew something wasn’t right. It was him making me feel anxious and insecure because he’s a lying cheat.

I won’t go back. The trust has gone.

You did the right thing, however painful it is now.
My DM always says she would take a thief over a liar any day. Always wondering if they are telling the truth, even over minor things is no way to live.

He’s a dick. Be glad you don’t have to waste your holidays this year potentially feeling anxious about what he’s up to with his ex.
You have enough time to feel happy again before Christmas, knowing you’ll start the new year with a clean slate, free of this lying wanker. Well done OP. Proud of you and any other woman out there that knows what she brings to the table and isn’t afraid to eat alone if the alternative is sharing it with a dodgy liar.

You've absolutely done the right thing and his reaction says it all. Big hugs to you x

Well done OP.

You are brave and you are awesome.

That churning feeling was your gut, your second brain screaming at you to warn you that you were in danger.

However sad and upset we are when we finally act on our gut, we also feel strangely calm.

That is because your has been satisfied and knows its done its job.

You are correct, you DO need to listen to yourself more.

Your instincts were correct.

He is no loss to you.

Liars NEVER are.

I know you will feel sad for a bit.

But don't forget to feel proud of yourself too.

your gut has been satisfied

How are you feeling OP? Stay strong.

I think you are great and brave and strong. Well done for looking after you, you deserve to be treated well. X

Be strong OP 💪
Respect to you for putting the cad out of your life. His deceitfulness would have been forever. Feel proud of yourself. 💐

I do not believe for one minute he did not cheat on his wife.

I do hope you’re ok this morning OP. Stay strong and keep on moving on. You reinforced your boundaries and your worth. Well done.

My first thought was that it was the opposite, he was the cheat in his marriage. So glad you got out of there.

He’s messaged more and phoned. Doesn’t accept it was cheating !! Just a lie he is sorry for. Has phoned the wife and explained the situation and cancelled the meal - that’s so nice of him to explain it all to her - I told him he needn’t have bothered cancelling it. I also found out he was meeting a drug dealer ever week (messages on phone) (one of his daughters ex’s) he knows I hate drugs. Continues to deny he takes drugs said it was for a friend at work!!! Scary how easily he can lie and so convincing too. I won’t go back but just hope he doesn’t turn up at my house this weekend. Feel so stupid I let it go on so long - no fool like an old fool.

@coronade this might sound a bit bonkers but is it possible he knows some local working girls? The drugs might be for them.

No. He said it was for someone at work. But why are you going to risk buying a mate at work drugs every week. I also found some in his bedroom once with some sort of grinding device . He said it’s where his daughter hid hers!! It’s just all BS!!