Partner meeting ex wife for dinner- hasn’t told me.

[coronade]

Hi
I just need some perspectives on whether this situation is ok.

For background info, we’ve been seriously dating for over a year, he says he loves me and wants to marry me and move in together next year.
We were both cheated on by our ex’s after 25+ year relationships.
He has been separated 3 yrs but is not yet divorced (currently can’t afford too).
Wie both have adult children.

I have very minimal contact with my ex. Haven’t seen or spoken to him for over a year, just the odd text re kids.
He on the other hand seems to speak to his ex increasingly more. Lots of texts and weekly calls I’ve told him I don’t understand why he wants to remain ‘friendly’ with someone who cheated on him. He always says it’s for the kids, all comes from her, he only responds back etc. I told him from the start I wouldn’t be happy if they actually met up and went out with her.
I know I’m in the wrong and you will say I obviously don’t trust him, (not sure if I will ever really trust again after what my ex did) but I occasionally look at his phone. He normally deletes her messages but saw yesterday he’s arranged to take her out to dinner this week.
I’m not sure how I feel or what to do. He will ague he couldn’t tell me as I don’t understand why he still wants a friendship with her and am too jealous and insecure.

I love him but obviously this isn’t going to help with my insecurities and trust issues. He also lies about things but will never admit it (they are stupid things like saying he went to an opticians appointment when I know he didn’t ). This obviously adds to my trust issues. I’ve bought it up and he just gets stroppy and says he can’t keep defending himself and makes me feel guilty for questioning him.
I suppose I’m asking if I’m being irrational. I know I have created the situation by being so insecure. Also what do I do now? I know but can’t say anything to him without him knowing I checked his phone.

Eww, yuck, glad you aren't going back.

Can you describe the grinding device, what it looked like? Were the drugs in tablet form or powder? (This isn't to help you out particularly, but to help me with a similar issue) x

Wow! You had a lucky escape! Definitely not a fool!

He also lies about things but will never admit it (they are stupid things like saying he went to an opticians appointment when I know he didn’t ).
Why do you want to marry a liar, OP?
What makes you imagine that he is worthy of you?
You CANNOT have a happy & trusting relationship with a liar. It is not possible. He will make you miserable, self-doubting, & keep you constantly on the back foot.

I’ve bought it up and he just gets stroppy and says he can’t keep defending himself and makes me feel guilty for questioning him.
A liar who knows how to manipulate you & uses gaslighting to shut you down.
So now you have to feel guilty - about him being a liar!
Can you see how utterly unreasonable this is?
How mad are you prepared to be driven, in order to have a relationship with this nasty man?

This obviously adds to my trust issues.
With courtesy & kindness, he cannot fix your trust issues. I can completely understand why you have them, given previous experience - but the place to work these out & find some form of peace with yourself about it is in a therapist's office.

I'd like to see you ditch the liar, & invest in yourself. Work with an expert relationships therapist & really get a handle on your trust, self-esteem, & self-knowledge.
But this is your life, not mine. I just feel so sad that you are throwing yourself into a relationship with a liar & manipulator.

Please have a long think about it. You have trust issues - but are dating a committed liar.
It's not going to work out for you, is it? Why not focus on yourself, instead of getting burned by another untrustworthy man?

@Themummilly

Can you describe the grinding device, what it looked like? Were the drugs in tablet form or powder? (This isn't to help you out particularly, but to help me with a similar issue) x

Google herb grinder. It's used for weed.

Yes it was a round metal grinder about 4cm wide. The weed was like dried green plant leaves.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. The main thing is now you know and the lies continue. Please be strong for yourself and remember you owe him less than nothing

@coronade

Spent the night crying, but actually feel ok. Haven’t got that churning feeling I’ve had for a while that something wasn’t quite right. He messaged me at 4.30am “I’m totally gutted and I miss you”. I bet he is. I was the meal ticket out of the trap he’s currently in and that’s obviously just dawning on him.. No sorry, no I love you. I’ve just ignored it. I don’t know how he thought it would end any other way, especially as he knows my background. Also realised I need to listen and trust myself more. I knew something wasn’t right. It was him making me feel anxious and insecure because he’s a lying cheat. I won’t go back. The trust has gone.

Well done Coronade. And how marvellous to lose that awful churning feeling - just by reclaiming your agency & independence!

Totally predictable that he's now trying to Hoover you back in -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Resist! & be aware that he might pop up at random future intervals. Blocking him now would be best.

Well done on removing your trust from him.
It's yours to award & withdraw as you see fit.
I hope, given your previous experience, that you are able to invest in yourself, & get some counselling to ensure your own wellbeing. Investing in YOU - not another man, for a few months.

When you have done that, you will be far too big & valuable a person to allow liars into your life :)

I won’t go back but just hope he doesn’t turn up at my house this weekend.

If he does - don't let him in.
Don't communicate with him, don't acknowledge texts, calls, or knocks on your door.

And if he doesn't disappear in 2 minutes flat - call the police.
It's not drama - it's sending a clear message that you are done, & he doesn't get to trample you, harass you, take up your time or toy with your feelings.

Doors & windows locked OP. I doubt he'll be dangerous - but he'll be a pain in the arse.

I have dinner with my ex sometimes, that I can't see the issue with, other things seem a bit more confusing op.

(My ex had lunch myself and dp, I've had dinner my my Dp's ex and her dp, it can work)

I've just read your full thread & just wanted to say well done for leaving the scumbag. You should be so proud of yourself. Stay strong & don't have any contact with him. Have a Merry, Peaceful, Christmas.

@Longdistance

I hope when he went to the toilet he shit a hedgehog. What an awful human he is. At least you know. The little lies become big lies.

😂Shit a hedgehog 😂

Yes but the problem is he had no intention of telling her he was having dinner with the ex, he kept it a secret.

Coronade, you’ve ended things with this pathological liar/drug user. Why are you still communicating with him and giving him more opportunities to lie to and abuse you?

Cut him off completely and don’t go to the door if he shows up.

Make 2022 the year you raise your bar op. A druggie? Fucking hell.
You are well rid op.

Block him and be glad you Ltb.

Time to block!

The drug stuff was before the dinner with the ex wife stuff?! I'm really surprised you've continued seeing him for so long tbh.

Sounds like unfinished business to me op. You say he likes being the one in control now re his exW; his relationship with you adds to this so-called position of control. And he meets with her for dinner to keep things friendly, for the sake of the kids, whilst enjoying knowing he’s in the driving seat. Games.

How are you doing now, Coronade?

How would I ever know if he was telling the truth?

Surely the drugs thing is the end OP, if he's regularly buying them (he says for a friend, obviously it's really for him but even if it was for a mate it's not he's still buying them weekly) and you say you hate drugs?

The whole dinner with the ex thing is just another reason to end it.

There are plenty of men in the world. And being single is better than being with someone who lies to you. Especially if they lie to you so easily, as he does.

@coronade

How would I ever know if he was telling the truth?

It doesn’t matter. If you feel distrust then the relationship is over regardless.

Yeah I know people like to have answers and closure etc but honestly your energy is best spent moving on from this loser and focusing on yourself rather than pondering over the details.

Yes I am. I’m not going back. I won’t lie, I’ve cried quite a bit but feel so much calmer in myself.

I know I deserve better. Yes the wife thing was just the icing on the cake. The drug thing is a big no and I definitely don’t believe his story. Also the ease at which he lies and tries to convince me white is black.
Onwards to 2022 with a fresh slate.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2022 and thank you for your support and words of wisdom x

Well done @Coronade.