Are we courting, even if he’s not single?

[Olivia8484]

So...in a nutshell..I’ve fallen for a guy I work with. He’s in a long term relationship and has one child. I also have one child and currently separated from my partner.

I know it’s wrong to feel so attracted to him and to want to talk to him and casually hang out during work. I actually don’t know how he feels and whether he just enjoys the attention (although I’m subtle and he’s not yet aware I’m separated).

We have lots of deep conversations, we tease each other and talk about sex jokingly every time we meet for lunch (not sex with each other but jokes about sex and past experiences). Not as many times but we’re comfortable with each other. He mentions his partner casually and is a good dad. We’ve never kissed or touched inappropriately. We’ve hugged once and he pulled me in by the waist with one arm. Other than that, it’s all banter and none sexual flirting.

I’m a thrill seeker. I don’t know if I truly want him or just enjoy the attention. I don’t believe he would ever overstep and be suggestive, although I don’t know if I would mind. At the same time, I feel he’s like my soulmate with how much connection we have, and sometimes wonder if he’s happy in his relationship, which he is very guarded about.

I know I’m going to get a swarm of people hammering me for being naive and also assuming I’m trying to break up the relationship and steal him. I just need a pep-talk. An honest pep-talk because I’ve not talked to anybody about this.

I don’t know if I truly want him or just enjoy the attention

You're willing to wreck someone's life because you enjoy attention. Seriously??

Embarrassing.

@Sonaftersonafterson

OP, just let it fade out. So many of us have had these crushes. Don't let the moral police on here have you think otherwise.

It is a crush and it's fun, I get that. He however probably has this flirty banter with loads of women... I know the type. We all do... theres always one.

Feeling what you feel is not wrong! Acting on it or encouraging it would be a very very bad move. You'll get over it, but to do that you must stop feeding it. That will take discipline but trust me, this kind of thing always ends in a shitshow. Every time.

Ignore the posters calling you a prick, or a cunt, or pathetic, or cringe. These women have probably been cheated on, so their ability to add anything constructive to these conversations is limited. They are bashing the OW via you. Ignore ignore.

Now make tomorrow Day 1 of no more flirty banter. Switch up on him. Be professional and friendly but put a guard up. Avoid him wherever you can. Good luck

@Sonaftersonafterson thank you for your positivity and empathy. I’ve turned over a new slate today and moving forward. I guess I expected some heated comments. Your advice is great, thank you again.

@MsDogLady

Olivia, I am glad that you’re determined to make better choices. Developing an illicit validation dynamic with this man at the expense of his family diminishes you. And I consider the sex jokes and his regaling you/your teasing him re his youthful sexploits to be inappropriate flirting that goes beyond banter.

You didn’t elaborate on the circumstances around the hugging and his pulling you in by the waist with one arm. I would consider the waist movement to be an intimate gesture. And hugs can certainly vary. These touches may seem safe, but not when there is already a simmering current.

Now that you will be working from home, you may be tempted to ‘hang out’ with him by video calls, messaging, etc. Don’t. You need to actively break this spell. Distance yourself and channel the energy elsewhere. If you have cases with him, keep it all professional. Be prepared if he attempts to hoover you.

Good luck, Olivia.

@MsDogLady

You’re incredibly intuitive and and kind. Thank you for your genuine advice and words of wisdom. I am grateful to have received this and today I have turned over a new slate. The firm is officially working remotely and we do not engage in conversation generally over social media or other means. I guess seeing him every day in the office was hard but now that I’ve snapped out of this daydream, I realise my integrity is at stake and hurting another person is not okay at all. Thank you again for your patience and advice. Take care

No you're not courting.
You've broken up with your partner and you want to flirt with someone else to boost your ego because you're sad and lonely.

OP, ignore them all. Enjoy the thrill seeking. Christ knows, it feels so good. You're loving it, he's loving it. You both know deep down it can't be LT (or can it?) but if you snog then so be it. Go with the flow. Too many people on here are too quick to say you're breaking up a LTR but they seem to forget it takes 2 to tango.

Its not a courting thing. Its a bloody good flirt on both sides and you go and enjoy every bit of it. And if it leads to more then good on you

Everyone else needs to get off your back.

@Bathcubesfromthe80s

OP, ignore them all. Enjoy the thrill seeking. Christ knows, it feels so good. You're loving it, he's loving it. You both know deep down it can't be LT (or can it?) but if you snog then so be it. Go with the flow. Too many people on here are too quick to say you're breaking up a LTR but they seem to forget it takes 2 to tango.

Its not a courting thing. Its a bloody good flirt on both sides and you go and enjoy every bit of it. And if it leads to more then good on you

Everyone else needs to get off your back.

Am I missing a joke here, or what the fuck is wrong with you?

bathcubes It's clear that you feel people in your own life deserve to be punished. That doesn't mean you need to encourage people on the internet to hurt others in their RL. Sort out your own life.

if you snog then so be it.

@Bathcubesfromthe80s Really???

@Bathcubesfromthe80s

OP, ignore them all. Enjoy the thrill seeking. Christ knows, it feels so good. You're loving it, he's loving it. You both know deep down it can't be LT (or can it?) but if you snog then so be it. Go with the flow. Too many people on here are too quick to say you're breaking up a LTR but they seem to forget it takes 2 to tango.

Its not a courting thing. Its a bloody good flirt on both sides and you go and enjoy every bit of it. And if it leads to more then good on you

Everyone else needs to get off your back.

You're not a very good person, are you hun?

I can only think Bathcubes has had a drink and is being a wind up merchant or something.

I think bathcubes is just pointing out what a complete arse the OP is being...

I realize my integrity is at stake.

This is key, Olivia. Never trash your integrity. Let it be the foundation of all your choices and decisions.

I really feel for you OP and remember so well that office flirting stuff. You are with this bloke for hours in the day - more than your friends and family, you have a lot in common as you're in the same industry, you're both intelligent, you get to know them so well, of course it feels like you are soulmates. You know deep down that you're not and you've had amazing advice from other people here, but just to say your story resonated and reminded me of the past.

@MsDogLady

I realize my integrity is at stake.

This is key, Olivia. Never trash your integrity. Let it be the foundation of all your choices and decisions.

@MsDogLady

Absolutely, thank you very much for this reminder. I also forgot to respond about the hug. With covid people haven’t really been giving anyone hugs but we had a leaving do for one of the partner at the firm, so I’d hugged other colleagues. He was also standing and I turned to hug him too in a diagonal way (one arm over shoulder and one under the arm) i felt one of his arms near my lower back pull me in a little. But this was in front of the team and we don’t do physical contact at all, not even in the office.

@Odoreida

I really feel for you OP and remember so well that office flirting stuff. You are with this bloke for hours in the day - more than your friends and family, you have a lot in common as you're in the same industry, you're both intelligent, you get to know them so well, of course it feels like you are soulmates. You know deep down that you're not and you've had amazing advice from other people here, but just to say your story resonated and reminded me of the past.

@Odoreida

Thank you for sharing this. It’s very hard for someone to relate, unless they’ve been through it.

Soulmate Get a grip!

I want someone to care deeply about me

🎻🎻🎻🎻🎻

Don't we all? Give me a break, grow up and stop using "loneliness" as a cover for being weak, covetous and deeply, deeply selfish.

Are we courting, even if he’s not single?

Oh, give over.
The faux-naivete isn't fooling anyone.

Thrillseeker? Enjoy flirting? Want to line up a new man now your own relationship has ended?
Here's a novel idea OP - why not do all that with a man who is already single?

Why are you playing with fire & prepared to hurt yourself, this man, & certainly his partner? If you cannot answer that question, it would be a very good plan to find an expert relationship counsellor to help you work out why.

Also ... flirting with a work colleague?
There are millions of men out there who are single & not your colleague. Drop this ridiculous work flirtation, work on yourself & your issues via a counsellor, & then go & find one.