Are we courting, even if he’s not single?

[Olivia8484]

So...in a nutshell..I’ve fallen for a guy I work with. He’s in a long term relationship and has one child. I also have one child and currently separated from my partner.

I know it’s wrong to feel so attracted to him and to want to talk to him and casually hang out during work. I actually don’t know how he feels and whether he just enjoys the attention (although I’m subtle and he’s not yet aware I’m separated).

We have lots of deep conversations, we tease each other and talk about sex jokingly every time we meet for lunch (not sex with each other but jokes about sex and past experiences). Not as many times but we’re comfortable with each other. He mentions his partner casually and is a good dad. We’ve never kissed or touched inappropriately. We’ve hugged once and he pulled me in by the waist with one arm. Other than that, it’s all banter and none sexual flirting.

I’m a thrill seeker. I don’t know if I truly want him or just enjoy the attention. I don’t believe he would ever overstep and be suggestive, although I don’t know if I would mind. At the same time, I feel he’s like my soulmate with how much connection we have, and sometimes wonder if he’s happy in his relationship, which he is very guarded about.

I know I’m going to get a swarm of people hammering me for being naive and also assuming I’m trying to break up the relationship and steal him. I just need a pep-talk. An honest pep-talk because I’ve not talked to anybody about this.

Look, OP, you are busy making yourself important in his life with talk of a ‘special connection’, while he has a partner and child…. and is probably being shallow and callow enough to enjoy the attention.

Feeding an ego is not a ‘special connection’.

And he isn’t having deep and meaningful conversations with you if he is ‘guarded’ about his partner / relationship.

Find someone single.

@Tayegete

He’s not a good dad if he’s flirting with you at work and he’s certainly not a good partner.

I really don’t subscribe to this ‘he can’t be a good dad if he’s flirting’ shit. So if he’s a dad who cares for his child, comforts them when they’re sad, gets up in the middle of the night for them, plays with them, etc etc it automatically makes him a bad dad despite this because he flirts? Surely life isnt so black and white. As a partner, I agree, what he’s doing is shit.

Carry on emotionally abusing his wife and child OP, she doesn't know it but she's entering into an abusive relationship from now on, with both of you, because of you pursuing him, risking her future and the her child's wellbeing and security. But do carry on because you enjoy it. Monstrously casual, cruel way to behave and talk about other people for thrills. You'll love this thread, all the reactions, feeding you. Revolting.

@Yummypumpkin. I don’t mean to encourage the OP, I was trying to point out how he is probably viewing the “relationship” that the OP seems to think they have.

Can't you just be like normal people who go to work, do their job then go home? Why do you have to flirt and talk about sex with a practically married man with a child?

@Olivia8484

This is not about sex. I’m not interesting in sleeping with this person. I’m drawn to the connection we have. It all started unintentionally and most likely he is friendly and just being a dude and I need to get a grip.

you said it. Get a flaming grip woman.

Get a grip and stop chasing someone who is in a relationship, you don't even want him, you just like the thrill of the chase, don't ruin someones long term relationship just for your own thrills, they have a child and you could destroy that child's life and her mothers.
Stay well away and find yourself someone single.

I know @viques. It was actually a v good post.

Sadly though I think she will be just thrilled at this thought.

@WhoAre

What sector do you work in

I work in a law firm, so mostly surrounded by men and a handful of women.

@OakRowan

Carry on emotionally abusing his wife and child OP, she doesn't know it but she's entering into an abusive relationship from now on, with both of you, because of you pursuing him, risking her future and the her child's wellbeing and security. But do carry on because you enjoy it. Monstrously casual, cruel way to behave and talk about other people for thrills. You'll love this thread, all the reactions, feeding you. Revolting.

I’m not enjoying the posts. It’s my cry for help to snap out of this obsession I’ve got myself into! Hearing hard truths helps. I’m in my late 30s, so this is me laying my cards out on the table and taking the crap that flys my way.

You state you're a thrill seeker.

This has the potential to blow up and make you look like a big ol cunt.
There's the thrill. There's your pep talk

Get over it

I’m cringing for you OP.

My granny used courting.

@greys188

Oh god. Please don't do anything with him. My long term boyfriend cheated on me with someone he worked with and it absolutely broke me! We have a one child together also.

Please don't put someone else through that!

I’m sorry to hear this. I’ve been cheated on in the past and I don’t want to be that person.

Christ. You describe yourself as a “thrill seeker”. What you are is incredibly selfish because those thrills you are seeking come at the expense of his girlfriend and his child. I’m not really sure if he is encouraging you (because you seem overly invested in this and may well be making more of it than what’s actually there) but if he is, he’s a dick. End of. You don’t know this man at all and you are messing with other peoples happiness, for what? A cheap thrill? You’ve already said you don’t even know if you want him . Grow up, take responsibility for your actions and be a better person.

But not about married guys flirting at work.

@todaysdilemma

It's not just banter is it, if you're on here wondering if he's trying to court you. I imagine you don't spend time thinking friends are trying to court you just because they banter with you.

It's a sat night and if you're spending it alone, while he's with his partner - so no, you're not courting. You're not even friends if the interactions stop at work. You're colleagues and like you, he enjoys the attention. Unlike you, he does have someone to go back to and live his real life (and the fact he's guarded about his relationship shows he's not unhappy enough to use it to get you).

I think you should stop fantasising about him and meet someone available you can actually court (if that's what you want).

You’re right - that says it all.

This all sounds absolutely unhinged.

"Lady Margaret, you are naive!" at best.

It's interesting OP that you want hard truths and almost a telling off or mockery or abuse....as if you think you need shaking out-of your bad thoughts....

Have you tried a kinder approach?? What is it you really, really want? Not a man or sex or any of those transient things which are like jelly and ice cream...

What do you really, really want?

Because a part of your brain thinks it's him, but I'm not at all convinced.

Maybe the OP just wants a good telling off.

@SpindlesAdventWhirl

Maybe the OP just wants a good telling off.

I get that impression also....

Not the messiah ..?

You can’t be that brain dead as to think anybody is considering you “naive”? I think people have a lot of words to describe your standardless, selfless, lifewrecking, pathetic and bitchy action, but it ain’t “naive” dear. Grow up and grow some basic decency.

I don't like writing negative posts on here - or anywhere - but you got me stumped as there is absolutely nothing positive I can think of to say to you and this imaginary situation you think you're in. Find a hobby and leave him alone before it all blows up in your face.

@SpindlesAdventWhirl

Not the messiah ..?