Are we courting, even if he’s not single?

[Olivia8484]

So...in a nutshell..I’ve fallen for a guy I work with. He’s in a long term relationship and has one child. I also have one child and currently separated from my partner.

I know it’s wrong to feel so attracted to him and to want to talk to him and casually hang out during work. I actually don’t know how he feels and whether he just enjoys the attention (although I’m subtle and he’s not yet aware I’m separated).

We have lots of deep conversations, we tease each other and talk about sex jokingly every time we meet for lunch (not sex with each other but jokes about sex and past experiences). Not as many times but we’re comfortable with each other. He mentions his partner casually and is a good dad. We’ve never kissed or touched inappropriately. We’ve hugged once and he pulled me in by the waist with one arm. Other than that, it’s all banter and none sexual flirting.

I’m a thrill seeker. I don’t know if I truly want him or just enjoy the attention. I don’t believe he would ever overstep and be suggestive, although I don’t know if I would mind. At the same time, I feel he’s like my soulmate with how much connection we have, and sometimes wonder if he’s happy in his relationship, which he is very guarded about.

I know I’m going to get a swarm of people hammering me for being naive and also assuming I’m trying to break up the relationship and steal him. I just need a pep-talk. An honest pep-talk because I’ve not talked to anybody about this.

Limerence

Although I love that my phone auto corrected that to liberace !

I have to think he smells your need for a soulmate and is sowing the seed.

Just not literally. Yet.

He has you dangling. Stop dangling.

I’m sorry to hear this. I’ve been cheated on in the past and I don’t want to be that person

Then stop it.

And that includes stoking the drama by posting about him

You are not courting. You are dicing with danger with someone else's husband.

Knock it off and grow up!

Oh ffs op...just own it....you're embarking on a relationship with a man who's committed elsewhere.
This is not a good thing for many reasons and you will shortly find yourself in heartbreak territory.
There are many unattached men in the world and you could have a lot of fun sorting through them to find a good one but if you prefer to pursue this hopeless strategy then that is your choice ...but you have been warned!

[quote greys188]@Viviennemary are you joking? [/quote]
Sadly she always takes the contrary/ controversial stance

Start dating a single man instead

@Lana07

Start dating a single man instead

In a nutshell this.....so simple really....

@Yummypumpkin

One last comment...

You say in the past guys have made their interest clear. And its been their interest that's almost flattered you into liking them...or perhaps you've felt how nice for THEM it would be if you liked them back

Do you think you're almost doing this for him? The ego boost, the little guiltless fantasy he has, without ever actually doing anything nice for you...are you quite sure you are the pursuer? Or does this work very nicely for him?

I imagine if you challenged him to tell you his feelings he'd deny all knowledge of what you're talking about, say it's all on your side...

But I doubt somehow you'd have developed these feelings unless he was making clear it was welcome...not because he wants a relationship but because for him your feelings don't matter, and you're indulging in this banter and stuff because he likes it, and you call it ecstasy, but I think it is very painful you...an almost constant rejection, but covert.

@Yummypumpkin What you’ve said resonates with me and is like you’ve almost peeled back my deepest layer and revealed what nurtures my mindset.

He definitely initiated the majority of the interactions, playfulness and progressively conversations about sex (always humorous and anecdotal). I actually thought he was single until he asked me whether I was in a relationship or not and then told me he was married. I remember feeling a little confused because it came across to me that he fancied me and showed a genuine interest in my life and thoughts.

He’s not the type of guy I’m normally attracted to but the more we talked and the more I feel good, the more attached I get. Generally speaking, I am that kind of person who tends to obsesses of things that bother me.

It’s a messed up situation that I need to step back from.

Try growing up

I know the type of male colleague.

Be very careful of your feelings...he'll do just enough to enflame them, but never enough to have anything concrete that should you find yourself hurting he'll accept any responsibility.

Many men do love the attractive single woman in the office having a crush on them. I can just hear him saying later all innocence, "I told her I was married"...

Regardless of that and all the very logical posters advising you simply cease these feelings and date that lovely single man who fancies you and who isn't a figment of their imaginations...

It will take time to work through this.

Remember: care. You know what caring is. Its not banter or flirting or buying you coffee or remembering your favourite band.

It is never, ever putting your livelihood at risk, never, ever treating your feelings as a game, never, ever getting an ego boost at the expense of your heart.

Every time he pops in your head, think about this.

You deserve someone who cares. Your responses on this thread show that (lots of posters just read the first post, especially on this topic).

I'm off to sleep but wishing you all best...you will be OK x

I want someone to care deeply for me.

Your moral compass is off, so that will repel nice men and attract players.

Your professional reputation is at risk.
And how do you know this guy isn’t telling the other men in your male-dominated workplace about the past sexual experiences you are telling him about?

You also risk losing your friends.

@Yummypumpkin

I know the type of male colleague.

Be very careful of your feelings...he'll do just enough to enflame them, but never enough to have anything concrete that should you find yourself hurting he'll accept any responsibility.

Many men do love the attractive single woman in the office having a crush on them. I can just hear him saying later all innocence, "I told her I was married"...

Regardless of that and all the very logical posters advising you simply cease these feelings and date that lovely single man who fancies you and who isn't a figment of their imaginations...

It will take time to work through this.

Remember: care. You know what caring is. Its not banter or flirting or buying you coffee or remembering your favourite band.

It is never, ever putting your livelihood at risk, never, ever treating your feelings as a game, never, ever getting an ego boost at the expense of your heart.

Every time he pops in your head, think about this.

You deserve someone who cares. Your responses on this thread show that (lots of posters just read the first post, especially on this topic).

I'm off to sleep but wishing you all best...you will be OK x

@Yummypumpkin I will treasure your advice and cannot thank you enough for your consideration and kindness. You’re a compassionate person and I wish you all the best in life.

Take care and stay safe xx

@FestiveFlavours

I want someone to care deeply for me.

Your moral compass is off, so that will repel nice men and attract players.

Your professional reputation is at risk.
And how do you know this guy isn’t telling the other men in your male-dominated workplace about the past sexual experiences you are telling him about?

You also risk losing your friends.

I haven’t actually shared any past sexual experiences. I tease him for the stories he shares about his youth. It’s that kind of conversation. It’s not right though and I’ve gathered this.

Well, you're not courting, because it's not 1704. And you're also a prick, because you know he has a partner and a child.

Just to double down, not courting, but very much a prick.

I tease him for the stories he shares about his youth.

I’m embarrassed for you. You sound rather desperate.

You need to distance yourself from him immediately because this won’t end well, it’s a slippery slope of flirting at lunch then texting then before you know it your booking the hotel round the corner and you feel shit about yourself after the initial rush has worn off take it from me.

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to feel attractive and having a man give you abit of attention is great for the ego especially after a relationship break down of your own but just remember he is MARRIED don’t let it consume you, it won’t end well.

Have you opened the Christmas sherry early OP?

@VioletRose91

You need to distance yourself from him immediately because this won’t end well, it’s a slippery slope of flirting at lunch then texting then before you know it your booking the hotel round the corner and you feel shit about yourself after the initial rush has worn off take it from me.

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to feel attractive and having a man give you abit of attention is great for the ego especially after a relationship break down of your own but just remember he is MARRIED don’t let it consume you, it won’t end well.

You’re right! Thank you for your advice.

OP - you aren’t soulmates.
You have chemistry and banter. This isn’t a Romeo and Juliette’a story.
This is a story that can easily lead to disaster. Sexual curiosity and opportunity are a strong draw. And office environment can provides situations where people may end up doing things that they may regret. Especially if alcohol is added to the mix.

Stop pursuing him and fantasising about some future that isn’t likely.
You can be friendly without pushing it to become more.

If there is actually something between you two - it needs to happen organically. His relationship needs to reach it’s natural end first. But I’d not put all your hopes on that.

@MMmomDD

OP - you aren’t soulmates. You have chemistry and banter. This isn’t a Romeo and Juliette’a story. This is a story that can easily lead to disaster. Sexual curiosity and opportunity are a strong draw. And office environment can provides situations where people may end up doing things that they may regret. Especially if alcohol is added to the mix.

Stop pursuing him and fantasising about some future that isn’t likely.
You can be friendly without pushing it to become more.

If there is actually something between you two - it needs to happen organically. His relationship needs to reach it’s natural end first. But I’d not put all your hopes on that.

Thank you for your advice. I’m based in London, which is a lonely city as it is! I don’t I need any drama. Thanks for your advice and the firm has advised to work our cases from home until further notice. So the space, will be healthy.

Get a grip @Olivia8484 ! Stop this silly behaviour right away before you do something that affects you professionally or makes you a laughing stock in the firm.
Read the thread on here about the lady who enjoyed flirting with her boss, then slept with him and immediately after he practically ghosted her. That should be enough warning to distance yourself. He’s using you for an ego boost.

Every single day you obsess over him is a day further away from meeting someone you can actually have a relationship with.

So stop it.

This is not a 'soulmates' situation. You are two people who have got the horn and getting a kick out of talking about sex.

He wants to get his leg over. I guess that is wanting a connection of sorts.

How embarrassing.
Cringing for you OP.

Pathetic.