Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are we courting, even if he’s not single?

193 replies

Olivia8484 · 11/12/2021 22:03

So...in a nutshell..I’ve fallen for a guy I work with. He’s in a long term relationship and has one child. I also have one child and currently separated from my partner.

I know it’s wrong to feel so attracted to him and to want to talk to him and casually hang out during work. I actually don’t know how he feels and whether he just enjoys the attention (although I’m subtle and he’s not yet aware I’m separated).

We have lots of deep conversations, we tease each other and talk about sex jokingly every time we meet for lunch (not sex with each other but jokes about sex and past experiences). Not as many times but we’re comfortable with each other. He mentions his partner casually and is a good dad. We’ve never kissed or touched inappropriately. We’ve hugged once and he pulled me in by the waist with one arm. Other than that, it’s all banter and none sexual flirting.

I’m a thrill seeker. I don’t know if I truly want him or just enjoy the attention. I don’t believe he would ever overstep and be suggestive, although I don’t know if I would mind. At the same time, I feel he’s like my soulmate with how much connection we have, and sometimes wonder if he’s happy in his relationship, which he is very guarded about.

I know I’m going to get a swarm of people hammering me for being naive and also assuming I’m trying to break up the relationship and steal him. I just need a pep-talk. An honest pep-talk because I’ve not talked to anybody about this.

OP posts:
viques · 11/12/2021 22:23

No you are not courting. I expect he thinks of you sometimes when he is having a secret little wank but probably not at all when he is having sex with his partner.

OnlyHereForTheClothes · 11/12/2021 22:24

Courting? No, you aren't courting as we don't live in the 1900s. Also he is in a LTR. He probably thinks you're a friend but you aren't... maybe a wee bit creepy of you?

Stop it Smile

greys188 · 11/12/2021 22:24

Oh god. Please don't do anything with him. My long term boyfriend cheated on me with someone he worked with and it absolutely broke me! We have a one child together also.

Please don't put someone else through that!

Iamkmackered1979 · 11/12/2021 22:24

Courting danger by sounds of it, how would you feel if your partner behaved like that at work.
who says courting these days?

Californiansunsets · 11/12/2021 22:25

It’s not your job to support him emotionally, that’s his wife/partners job, and it’s not his job to support you emotionally, I’m quite sure his wife/partner would not be very happy if she knew about that.

Do yourself a favour and walk away.

BrightonOrLancaster · 11/12/2021 22:25

Courting to me suggest a kind of dropped handkerchief raised eyebrow kind of frisson, not daily sex jokes down the canteen

Motheroftigers · 11/12/2021 22:27

The situation might be all in your head OP.

He is 'casually' talking about his partner because he is letting you know she exists.

you sound a bit infatuated ( and scary)

todaysdilemma · 11/12/2021 22:28

It's not just banter is it, if you're on here wondering if he's trying to court you. I imagine you don't spend time thinking friends are trying to court you just because they banter with you.

It's a sat night and if you're spending it alone, while he's with his partner - so no, you're not courting. You're not even friends if the interactions stop at work. You're colleagues and like you, he enjoys the attention. Unlike you, he does have someone to go back to and live his real life (and the fact he's guarded about his relationship shows he's not unhappy enough to use it to get you).

I think you should stop fantasising about him and meet someone available you can actually court (if that's what you want).

SpittinKitten · 11/12/2021 22:29

@Motheroftigers

The situation might be all in your head OP.

He is 'casually' talking about his partner because he is letting you know she exists.

you sound a bit infatuated ( and scary)

Quite.
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 11/12/2021 22:29

@PicsInRed

Courting is a very unusual term for a woman to use.
I thought I had got into a De Lorean and gone back to 1955.
bluebell34567 · 11/12/2021 22:30

which he is very guarded about.

that says it all.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 11/12/2021 22:31

I say courting.

This ain’t that.

lynntheyresexpeople · 11/12/2021 22:32

Courting is old fashioned for dating.
Before you made this thread, did you honestly think you were dating this man? Had you convinced yourself you were? If so, seek help.
Nothing about the op makes it sound like you are dating. It makes it sound like you are desperate to be the other woman.
He is not your soulmate - some of the things you've said, implying you think you're dating, that you think he's your soulmate, honestly make you sound mentally unwell.
You are flirting with a married father. That's all there is to it. Stop romanticising it. It's gross. Just stop it.

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 11/12/2021 22:32

Honestly, unless you’re 16 you need to pack this in. You’ll get hurt.

Yummypumpkin · 11/12/2021 22:33

@viques

No you are not courting. I expect he thinks of you sometimes when he is having a secret little wank but probably not at all when he is having sex with his partner.
Oh please don't encourage her.
Player001 · 11/12/2021 22:33

He is not your soul mate he is someone else's long term partner.

Best you get yourself some self respect and think about the innocent people in this situation.

WhoAre · 11/12/2021 22:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mammyloveswine · 11/12/2021 22:37

I think the poor bloke is unfairly getting a hard time.. op has a crush on him ( google limerence and give your head a wobble).

AnyFucker · 11/12/2021 22:38

Are you Emily Howard ?

Chachasha · 11/12/2021 22:41

No you're not courting. Where did you hear the phrase? Have you ever been courted before?

EdgeOfTheSky · 11/12/2021 22:42

Yes, you are courting.

Courting disaster.

Jojobees · 11/12/2021 22:43

You know there is every chance he goes home to his partner and regales her in tales of your creepy “banter”. My husband did until she crossed the line and inappropriately touched him. She was fired.

KaycePollard · 11/12/2021 22:44

also assuming I’m trying to break up the relationship and steal him

Well, you are, aren't you?

Maze76 · 11/12/2021 22:45

I’m guessing you’re a bit bored and this guy’s flirtatious nature is a bit of excitement for you. It’s a fantasy. Recognise it for what it is, and back off.. no good will come of this if you continue.

SD1978 · 11/12/2021 22:46

First- no, you're not courting. You're having conversations, as is he, which are inappropriate to be having, potentially, with someone who is in a relationship. He has not instigated any physical contact with you, and the conversations may well juts be banter, but if they are ones you wouldn't have in front of a partner- they're inappropriate.