Are we courting, even if he’s not single?

[Olivia8484]

So...in a nutshell..I’ve fallen for a guy I work with. He’s in a long term relationship and has one child. I also have one child and currently separated from my partner.

I know it’s wrong to feel so attracted to him and to want to talk to him and casually hang out during work. I actually don’t know how he feels and whether he just enjoys the attention (although I’m subtle and he’s not yet aware I’m separated).

We have lots of deep conversations, we tease each other and talk about sex jokingly every time we meet for lunch (not sex with each other but jokes about sex and past experiences). Not as many times but we’re comfortable with each other. He mentions his partner casually and is a good dad. We’ve never kissed or touched inappropriately. We’ve hugged once and he pulled me in by the waist with one arm. Other than that, it’s all banter and none sexual flirting.

I’m a thrill seeker. I don’t know if I truly want him or just enjoy the attention. I don’t believe he would ever overstep and be suggestive, although I don’t know if I would mind. At the same time, I feel he’s like my soulmate with how much connection we have, and sometimes wonder if he’s happy in his relationship, which he is very guarded about.

I know I’m going to get a swarm of people hammering me for being naive and also assuming I’m trying to break up the relationship and steal him. I just need a pep-talk. An honest pep-talk because I’ve not talked to anybody about this.

@Yummypumpkin

It's interesting OP that you want hard truths and almost a telling off or mockery or abuse....as if you think you need shaking out-of your bad thoughts....

Have you tried a kinder approach?? What is it you really, really want? Not a man or sex or any of those transient things which are like jelly and ice cream...

What do you really, really want?

Because a part of your brain thinks it's him, but I'm not at all convinced.

I want someone to care deeply for me. Someone affectionate, that can be a friend but also a lover. I want that kind of love. I have been so lonely for so long. I’ve never had trouble catching a man’s attention but I have never been in the right relationship. I have so much passion to offer and at a time of great darkness, this individual showed so much care and compassion. He’s brightened my life a little and somehow living this in my head provides me comfort. If anyone saw me with him in person, they would never think I feel this way. But I feel extreme guilt for wanting him to want me and for not creating a boundary. I know most likely it’s an ego-boost for him and I like that there is still a boundary from his end. I don’t even know why I posted but had to get it off my chest some way and knew the responses would shake me out of this daydream I’m in. Thank you for being kind. It’s what I need more than anything, even though I might not deserve it

Come on, OP. Can’t you see that he’s just boosting his ego? Do you want to be a laughing stock?

Re this man’s partner and child: unlike other posters, I think that they are not your concern. If he cheats, it’s his fault. Your own reputation is what you should be worried about. Wake up. Find a proper man!

The term 'soulmate' is used most commonly on MN by people having affairs or being on the verge of doing so. It's a romanticised/dramatic take on just getting on well with someone.

I feel sexual tension around him but have never initiated inappropriate flirting.

You talk about sex with him. That's really really really far from appropriate. You're having an emotional affair. You're not courting.

Is he even married to his partner. Plenty of folk have affairs. There's worse things and you only live once.

Life’s far too short to waste time swooning over married men.

Are you a bloke trying to get a free telling off that you know you're supposed to pay for?

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

No you are the other woman.

I doubt she's even the other woman! The poor chap doesn't seem to have shown any real interest in her , it's totally all in her head daft mare!

Your reply is so interesting OP.

So I think you're sort of saying what you really want is to be loved completely and entirely and to be someone's favourite and top choice.

But at the same time, you've got these thoughts around someone who isn't doing that for you.

Did you say you've never felt loved like that? Then it must be hard to know what it really feels like....

Youve not done anything wrong. It's clear you don't want to hurt anyone.

Do you feel sometimes that you can't have what you need without someone else losing out...or the opposite, that you can only get what you need if someone else sacrifices.

Can you think of a relationship where everyone has got what they want, and no one missed out?

I'm interested because I don't reckon this bloke is that special really...he's just reminding you of something...

@Viviennemary are you joking?

You're a lonely single mum who's fallen for a version of the type of man you'd like to be with.

Your crush makes the days go quicker and for that fleeting time when your in his company you feel a little better about yourself.

You're probably more attractive to him because you know he's unattainable and thé fantasy is better than real life;you're not the one who rolls over in the middle of the night to see him drooling,snoring like a warthog and then be gassed by a huge stinking fart he's just like rip.

You don't have to wash his sweaty socks,pick up his wet towels off the bathroom floor or have to cook his dinner.

Right now he's just a cute flirty bloke with no flaws.Your close proximity breeds familiarity which feels safe.

There will be someone out there for you who's free to be with you.

“Just banter”

Ah that old chestnut, generally comes from
Someone who knows fine well what they did was wrong

@thenewduchessofhastings

You're a lonely single mum who's fallen for a version of the type of man you'd like to be with.

Your crush makes the days go quicker and for that fleeting time when your in his company you feel a little better about yourself.

You're probably more attractive to him because you know he's unattainable and thé fantasy is better than real life;you're not the one who rolls over in the middle of the night to see him drooling,snoring like a warthog and then be gassed by a huge stinking fart he's just like rip.

You don't have to wash his sweaty socks,pick up his wet towels off the bathroom floor or have to cook his dinner.

Right now he's just a cute flirty bloke with no flaws.Your close proximity breeds familiarity which feels safe.

There will be someone out there for you who's free to be with you.

Thank you very much for your response.

Olivia: get your shit together. You can do better than this. Stop messing around and wasting your time.

I'm not going to hammer you because I have been there with a work colleague (not married but had a girlfriend he was 'breaking up' with). He wasn't genuine but just liked the attention, or something, and I was broken by it in the end. For years afterwards I felt humiliation and a deep hatred towards him.

The only person worth your time is the one who is free, available and completely into you. Everything else, all this flirting, is just some bullshit man getting his ego stroked then going home to his wife. You can do better.

How can you be unsure between it maybe just the attention and I think he might be my soulmate

You are trying to make more of this and he has a family.

Soul search some self respect

@Yummypumpkin

Your reply is so interesting OP.

So I think you're sort of saying what you really want is to be loved completely and entirely and to be someone's favourite and top choice.

But at the same time, you've got these thoughts around someone who isn't doing that for you.

Did you say you've never felt loved like that? Then it must be hard to know what it really feels like....

Youve not done anything wrong. It's clear you don't want to hurt anyone.

Do you feel sometimes that you can't have what you need without someone else losing out...or the opposite, that you can only get what you need if someone else sacrifices.

Can you think of a relationship where everyone has got what they want, and no one missed out?

I'm interested because I don't reckon this bloke is that special really...he's just reminding you of something...

@Yummypumpkin thank you again for trying to understand me. It’s more than I deserve, but it’s humbling. You’re right, he isn’t that special. I have on three occasions experienced a very loving relationship where there was spark, energy and passion. In all honesty, it’s almost like I miss feeling wanted but that I don’t want to actually be in a relationship. I’ve never really “chosen” a guy pursued one based on the qualities I need. I’ve gotten wooed and fallen for a man who wants me more than I want him. Sounds utterly arrogant but it’s not my intention.

I’ve sat deeply thinking about the whole scenario. Why I’m giving it time, the guilt that consumes me and how it all feels like ecstasy. I am a grounded individual but now I’m wondering I enjoy this interaction, friendship and fantasy because I can’t actually have him.

You're not courting. Courting is just an old fashioned word for dating. You're not dating. You just work at the same place. That's it.

You're being incredibly unprofessional talking about sex with a man at work. You're kidding yourself if you think your cosy chats haven't been noticed by your colleagues.

Come on OP, you know you need to stop this emotional affair. Step away from this man. He has a partner and a child. Because when it all inevitably goes tits up (which it will) you'll be the one who loses everything. For your own self respect and your career get this man out of your head.

@IlkaDoxie

I'm not going to hammer you because I have been there with a work colleague (not married but had a girlfriend he was 'breaking up' with). He wasn't genuine but just liked the attention, or something, and I was broken by it in the end. For years afterwards I felt humiliation and a deep hatred towards him.

The only person worth your time is the one who is free, available and completely into you. Everything else, all this flirting, is just some bullshit man getting his ego stroked then going home to his wife. You can do better.

Thank you for your honest and kind advice.

@BrightonOrLancaster

Olivia: get your shit together. You can do better than this. Stop messing around and wasting your time.

You’re right :(

Nothing wrong with being a thrill seeker, just seek them away from the workplace @Olivia8484.

I feel he’s like my soulmate with how much connection we have
Load of old cobblers

For the love of god stop arsing around like this in the place where you work. There are other places to seek thrills.

One last comment...

You say in the past guys have made their interest clear. And its been their interest that's almost flattered you into liking them...or perhaps you've felt how nice for THEM it would be if you liked them back

Do you think you're almost doing this for him? The ego boost, the little guiltless fantasy he has, without ever actually doing anything nice for you...are you quite sure you are the pursuer? Or does this work very nicely for him?

I imagine if you challenged him to tell you his feelings he'd deny all knowledge of what you're talking about, say it's all on your side...

But I doubt somehow you'd have developed these feelings unless he was making clear it was welcome...not because he wants a relationship but because for him your feelings don't matter, and you're indulging in this banter and stuff because he likes it, and you call it ecstasy, but I think it is very painful you...an almost constant rejection, but covert.