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Original poster

Paid for a date and now he’s vanished - have I been stood up?

268 replies

Agghhh · 11/12/2021 12:18

Today I had booked a trip for myself and someone i’ve been seeing for a while. I agreed to pay for most of it this time as he’s spent a lot on me the other times we’ve been out/had takeaways etc.

Anyway, train was booked for 12, we was talking about it yesterday. I told him what time to be at mine and what time the things were booked for, he said that was fine and seemed excited to go.

I’ve driven 2 hours there and back to get my DD looked after and got ready. I could see he hadn’t been online on WhatsApp so dropped him a message to confirm everything was okay… aaaand I’ve had no response. Obviously we can’t go now because we’ve missed the time slot for the train. I was really looking forward to it and spent a lot of time booking things so we could have a really nice time before Christmas.

I don’t think I’ve been blocked as I’ve called on a different phone (he doesn’t have that number) and it’s not going through either, so it seems like his phone isn’t on all together.

At the moment I feel like a bloody mug. Not only have I wasted a decent amount of money just before Christmas that I really didn’t need but I’m now at home with nothing to do, when I could have spent the weekend with DD as I don’t get to spend much time with her as it is. He’s always seemed really interested and this hasn’t happened before so I don’t really know what to think. Have I been stood up or has something else happened? Please someone help to cheer me up a bit :(

OP posts:
LifeIsTricky · 11/12/2021 17:33

For what it's worth OP, I was once arrested in similar circumstances. I was sober, I didn't even know the group! I rushed in to try and help the woman being absolutely beaten to a pulp, and the police rounded us all up. I was released without charge eventually, but spent the (worst night of my life) in a cell. So when you've had a lovely day alone and calmed down, maybe let him try to explain it. Keep your wits about you and try to work out if he's lying or not. He may be an arsehole, in which case better to get rid! But equally, he might not be.

LifeIsTricky · 11/12/2021 17:33

I'd like to add, I am entirely law abiding, never been in trouble with the police in my life bar this misunderstanding!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/12/2021 17:47

@BoredZelda
he offered to reimburse her

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 11/12/2021 17:48

Not all squaddies are lairy arseholes.

You get just as many of them on civvy street.

Yes he could have kept out of it.

Sometimes you cannot stand by and watch someone get a kicking.

I wouldn’t.

DoctorManhattan · 11/12/2021 17:54

I’m not a violent guy and have never laid a finger on a woman (nor would I) in my life. Yet I found myself in a punch up and in police trouble a few years back when I took issue with a guy I spotted in the street with his hands around a woman’s throat. It was all cleared up later, but I think you should at least let him fully explain the circumstances of what happened. A lot of people here have jumped to the conclusion that he’s an aggressive squaddie who could potentially attack you down the line, and that may not be the case at all from the limited information at present. Someone could have made the same assumption about me when the reality was that I was trying to stop violence being inflicted on a female, not encourage it.

CambsAlways · 11/12/2021 17:59

Maybe lost phone but all very bizarre

BertramLacey · 11/12/2021 18:04

Perhaps if women refused to procreate with violent men, then the world would be a better place? Just a thought.

The slight issue I take with this is that it puts the onus for preventing male violence on women rather than men. I think men need to learn to curtail their violence.

And you're damned right, I don't like male violence. What do you like about it?

I'm not sure why you are under the impression I like it. I don't tolerate it, ever. I don't celebrate it. I don't watch much of the output of Hollywood because it often celebrates a particularly poisonous kind of masculinity. I'm also pretty vocal against the kind of toxic masculinity celebrated in e.g. football culture. My own male partner is the antithesis of this kind of violence and arrogance. I seek out and praise a much gentler, respectful, co-operative form of masculinity But beyond that, I'm not sure how much else I can do. As I said above, I see male violence as a male problem. I can stand up against it, but ultimately men need to be working to solve it too.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 18:18

Perhaps if women refused to procreate with violent men, then the world would be a better place? Just a thought.

The slight issue I take with this is that it puts the onus for preventing male violence on women rather than men. I think men need to learn to curtail their violence.

No it puts the onus on women to be responsible when choosing who will father their children. I’m not sure who else the onus should be on tbh?

Nsky · 11/12/2021 18:19

He should have thought more carefully last night

whynotwhatknot · 11/12/2021 18:36

was he charged or just thrown in over night wit the rest

i wouldnt be hasty but then its completely up to you

Fireflygal · 11/12/2021 18:44

I think if you date a squaddie you've got to expect a bit of this haven't you? It's part of the culture

It's depressing as the army culture SHOULD be disciplined and respectable. Why is drunken behaviour tolerated? Squaddies could be men who are known for their higher standards of behaviour - rather than the opposite. People should feel safer if in an army town, rather than the opposite.

There is no reason aggressiveness and drunkeness has to he part of the culture but most people in the UK seem to accept it??

How old is he? If he is late 20s then I think he is a risk so dump him.

Tabbacus · 11/12/2021 18:45

@LifeIsTricky

For what it's worth OP, I was once arrested in similar circumstances. I was sober, I didn't even know the group! I rushed in to try and help the woman being absolutely beaten to a pulp, and the police rounded us all up. I was released without charge eventually, but spent the (worst night of my life) in a cell. So when you've had a lovely day alone and calmed down, maybe let him try to explain it. Keep your wits about you and try to work out if he's lying or not. He may be an arsehole, in which case better to get rid! But equally, he might not be.
Yes similar happened to my ex (I know he was telling the truth as I was there!).

We all have our lines of what we are happy to put up with and much respect if this is yours OP. Just to be devil's advocate, if he is otherwise decent and you enjoy spending time together, I'd at least get the full story, if he was honest about it in the first place which he had been, then he probably doesn't have much to hide.

USaYwHatNow · 11/12/2021 18:46

Men who hit men don't automatically hit their wives and children, jesus christ 🤦🏻‍♀️ my husband is in the military and is the softest thing I've ever seen around me and my family. Put him in a situation where we are threatened, which could well have been the case with OP's date and his friends, then of course he's going to react!

My husband has had a knife pulled on him before, would you expect him just to stand there and be stabbed?? Or if he defends himself is he automatically going to come home and beat me up?

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 11/12/2021 18:50

@Sonex

And the fact that he called you as soon as he got out says something doesn't it?

I think if you date a squaddie you've got to expect a bit of this haven't you? It's part of the culture - not justifying it, just the way it is and he's in that world and could have been dragged into something?

It’s absolutely not part of the culture. They’re not all dick heads.
Pr1mr0se · 11/12/2021 18:53

Could he be in hospital with covid. Clutching at straws here but could explain the situation and the lack of phone contact.

NynaeveSedai · 11/12/2021 18:53

@Pr1mr0se

Could he be in hospital with covid. Clutching at straws here but could explain the situation and the lack of phone contact.
Read the thread!?!?
Clymene · 11/12/2021 18:55

I literally don't know a single person who has ever got into a brawl and spent a night in a cell. Not one.

It's not normal, and nor should it be. I don't care what your job is or your background or anything.

The normalisation of male violence is a huge issue.

elbea · 11/12/2021 19:17

I’m married to a ‘squaddie’ and he’s never, ever had a fight in the street. He wouldn’t ever get into a fight in the street or put himself in that situation. I know lots of soldiers and they are all perfectly nice, family men/women. It’s doing a huge disservice to make out that all ‘squaddies’ go out fighting for fun.

Isthisit22 · 11/12/2021 19:18

Stick to your guns OP. Better to find a man who doesn't get in fights at all whilst you're not too invested. Why take a chance that he is violent? You have a child to think about
Better safe than sorry.

Kanaloa · 11/12/2021 19:30

@USaYwHatNow

Men who hit men don't automatically hit their wives and children, jesus christ 🤦🏻‍♀️ my husband is in the military and is the softest thing I've ever seen around me and my family. Put him in a situation where we are threatened, which could well have been the case with OP's date and his friends, then of course he's going to react!

My husband has had a knife pulled on him before, would you expect him just to stand there and be stabbed?? Or if he defends himself is he automatically going to come home and beat me up?

Yes that’s the same situation exactly. A random mugger pulling a knife and forcing you to defend yourself is exactly the same as a man going out to meet/collect his drunken mates and joining in a fistfight with them. No difference whatsoever.

And I’m glad your army man is so ‘soft’ and will protect your family if you’re ‘threatened’ but in my experience drunken fistfights don’t break out over serious threats. It’s about thuggish violent behaviour. If you can’t stop yourself fighting when you drink you need to not drink. If you can’t stop yourself ‘jumping in’ when your mates get in fights get better mates who don’t brawl in the streets.

The majority of us (I hope) go through life without this drama, having to ‘protect people’ and ‘defend ourselves’ to the extent we are thrown in a police cell overnight.

FreedomFaith · 11/12/2021 19:52

@Yuledo

But if his friends that he went to collect, inadvertently got him into a fight and it wasn’t his fault, don’t you think he gets a chance to explain?
Yeah that's a great way to label yourself instantly as 'mug' to another person...

Come on, the police don't take you off in handcuffs for trying to stop a fight. He got involved, he punched someone or people, he got put in the cells for it. Likely might lose his job now too if the army finds out, they don't tend to look kindly on that kind of behaviour.

So op is then left with a deadbeat thug with no job for a boyfriend. Score!

Throw him back op, after you've got his half of the money for the trip.

QueeniesCroft · 11/12/2021 20:08

It’s absolutely not part of the culture. They’re not all dick heads.

I agree with this. I am a pacifist now,(mostly as a result of being brought up in a military family and regularly beaten), but most of my wider family are or were serving soldiers, and I dated several soldiers before I married. Obviously there were always some arseholes who were always gettting into fights and arrested, but it really, truly was never the norm or acceted as such.

Every group of people has some people who are not worth your time, as well as a majority who probably are.

CPL593H · 11/12/2021 20:28

Before accepting the vilification of every member of the armed forces past present and future as irredeemable cases (complete nonsense) OR letting an aggressive idiot off the hook (very bad idea) it might be worth finding out what actually happened, as far as you can. It is possible to be arrested having done nothing wrong, if trying (for instance) to break up a fight. Maybe it was that, maybe he was an aggressive idiot. We don't know and at the moment, neither do you.

whynotwhatknot · 11/12/2021 20:42

Yes they do @FreedomFaith

Clymene · 11/12/2021 20:51

@CPL593H

Before accepting the vilification of every member of the armed forces past present and future as irredeemable cases (complete nonsense) OR letting an aggressive idiot off the hook (very bad idea) it might be worth finding out what actually happened, as far as you can. It is possible to be arrested having done nothing wrong, if trying (for instance) to break up a fight. Maybe it was that, maybe he was an aggressive idiot. We don't know and at the moment, neither do you.
Why? She doesn't owe him anything.
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